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13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 3:20:14 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 411
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
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Hi there,
Do any of you have girls in their early teens that struggle with self image? My dd does. We spent about an hour last night talking about how she feels fat and ugly. She is neither, but a really average girl, with big beautiful blue eyes and a cute little figure. I know that a lot of it is peer pressure, we can't afford to dress her in designer clothes and a lot of it is inappropriate anyway. It's not just looks either, she is convinced she is stupid. She gets A's and B's and this is with a mild learning disability. She scored advanced in English and proficient in math on the state testing and the district wants to test her for gifted programs.
So how do I help her see all the good in herself? It breaks my heart to hear her talk so badly about herself. Any thoughts?
Kim Q
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 5:38:33 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 89
Joined: 6/10/2008
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Usually if someone truly feels down on themself it is because someone important to them is saying cruel and negative things. Is there someone else in her life that is making negative comments to her? I would suggest trying to find out why she feels this way about herself and who is being negative in her life. If you can discredit that person's opinion, she might change her thinking. I would suggest that you make honest compliments about her to others, and keep her in a positive environment as much as possible. This in my opinion will be more convincing than telling her over and over that she's wrong about how she feels.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 9:02:33 PM
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Bowies_in_Space
Posts: 3
Joined: 9/17/2008
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quote:
...She is neither, but a really average girl...
Hmm. Well, judging from this, I have a sneaking suspicion that you don't give her the biggest self-esteem boost yourself. Why don't you think about what you just said and come back later.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 10:09:22 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2945
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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Well, I dunno if I agree with Bowies. Hard to judge from just that one statement that was totally out of context since she added that she has big beautiful eyes and cute little figure.
Deedee, I think sometimes that's the case, but that's not what was going on with me when I was a teenager. My mom used to rave about how pretty and smart I was to me and in front of me. But, she was so down on herself that I picked up the attitide.
Kim, are you ever down on yourself, like complain about your [insert body part name], etc. Does your hubby compliment your daughter often enough? I read somewhere that a lot of times when girls don't have a father, or if the father is distant or never is positive that it can affect the girl's self esteem. I know that was true for me since I didn't have a dad until I was 11.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 10:22:23 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3908
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bowies_in_Space
quote:
...She is neither, but a really average girl...
Hmm. Well, judging from this, I have a sneaking suspicion that you don't give her the biggest self-esteem boost yourself. Why don't you think about what you just said and come back later.
I come from an engineering background, which means I tend to take things literally. And just because a parent isn't deluded enough to think their child is the greatest, most beautiful human being ever to walk God's green Earth, doesn't mean that the parent isn't incredibly loving and supportive. Not every child is "gifted", not every child could get a top modeling contract. We still love our children beyond measure.
That being said, teenagers are sensitive types, so it could be any number of things that set this girl off. Stina had some really good advice about looking at how you view yourself and the role the father plays with this girl. But friends play a huge role, too, at 13. How do her friends dress? What sort of things do her friends say about themselves or about her?
At some level you may just have to ride this out, with all the prayer, love and support you can possibly give her.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 10:55:30 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 411
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deedeeowens
Usually if someone truly feels down on themself it is because someone important to them is saying cruel and negative things. Is there someone else in her life that is making negative comments to her? I would suggest trying to find out why she feels this way about herself and who is being negative in her life. If you can discredit that person's opinion, she might change her thinking. I would suggest that you make honest compliments about her to others, and keep her in a positive environment as much as possible. This in my opinion will be more convincing than telling her over and over that she's wrong about how she feels.
I think a lot of it comes from school, because I don't know of anyone outside of that environment that is negative with her. I'm not really sure how to combat the pressure to be perfect.
Kim Q
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 11:02:09 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 411
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
quote:
ORIGINAL: Bowies_in_Space
quote:
...She is neither, but a really average girl...
Hmm. Well, judging from this, I have a sneaking suspicion that you don't give her the biggest self-esteem boost yourself. Why don't you think about what you just said and come back later.
I come from an engineering background, which means I tend to take things literally. And just because a parent isn't deluded enough to think their child is the greatest, most beautiful human being ever to walk God's green Earth, doesn't mean that the parent isn't incredibly loving and supportive. Not every child is "gifted", not every child could get a top modeling contract. We still love our children beyond measure.
That being said, teenagers are sensitive types, so it could be any number of things that set this girl off. Stina had some really good advice about looking at how you view yourself and the role the father plays with this girl. But friends play a huge role, too, at 13. How do her friends dress? What sort of things do her friends say about themselves or about her?
At some level you may just have to ride this out, with all the prayer, love and support you can possibly give her.
Thank you for understanding my meaning. I love my child but I am realistic about her physical looks. She's never going to be a runway model. She's very bright, caring and kind person. She's the kind of kid I would like to be around even if she wasn't mine, as do other adults.
Both her dad and I give her lots of praise both for looks and even more so for who she is as a person. So I do think it is coming from school, and a particular group of girls that has decided to pick on her. She's been at that school since 1st. grade and these girls have been on her case since the beginning.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 11:04:57 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 411
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bowies_in_Space
quote:
...She is neither, but a really average girl...
Hmm. Well, judging from this, I have a sneaking suspicion that you don't give her the biggest self-esteem boost yourself. Why don't you think about what you just said and come back later.
How dare you judge my comment like that! The fact is my daughter is never going to be a runway model, nor is most of her classmates or peers. If you can't say something helpful don't post!
Maybe you should come back later, when you can help
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 11:07:38 PM
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stellaluna
Posts: 4398
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Girls are mean.
Does your daughter have things she excels at, like something athletic or a hobby?
And when you say average, what exactly does that mean? She doesn't have to wear the latest and greatest, but is her hairstyle up to date, etc?
_____________________________
Who should be allowed to attend church?
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 11:08:50 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 411
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mrs.X
Well, I dunno if I agree with Bowies. Hard to judge from just that one statement that was totally out of context since she added that she has big beautiful eyes and cute little figure.
Deedee, I think sometimes that's the case, but that's not what was going on with me when I was a teenager. My mom used to rave about how pretty and smart I was to me and in front of me. But, she was so down on herself that I picked up the attitide.
Kim, are you ever down on yourself, like complain about your [insert body part name], etc. Does your hubby compliment your daughter often enough? I read somewhere that a lot of times when girls don't have a father, or if the father is distant or never is positive that it can affect the girl's self esteem. I know that was true for me since I didn't have a dad until I was 11.
I think some of it does come from me. But my husband is really good about telling dd how beautiful he thinks she is and other things too. If we have one issue it's that he doesn't know when to be serious and when to play. I think that is why she pulls away from him emotionally. I don't think she feels that he takes her seriously. I have tried to get him to settle down on that but what can I do.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/17/2008 11:25:13 PM
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Zhi
Posts: 1498
Joined: 7/31/2007
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I had girls torture me when I was that age too.
One of the things that got me through it was looking to the future.
Junior high and high school only SEEM like they last forever. She has her whole life in front of her, and the immature little brats will not be around all her life. Encourage her to dream about what she wants to do, where she wants to go to college, where she wants to live someday, etc.
What she needs right now is hope that better days are coming, and reassurance that she's good enough to reach for what she dreams of. As she gains confidence in that, other things will come along eventually.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 1:02:30 AM
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Bowies_in_Space
Posts: 3
Joined: 9/17/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladyingrace1979
quote:
ORIGINAL: Bowies_in_Space
quote:
...She is neither, but a really average girl...
Hmm. Well, judging from this, I have a sneaking suspicion that you don't give her the biggest self-esteem boost yourself. Why don't you think about what you just said and come back later.
How dare you judge my comment like that! The fact is my daughter is never going to be a runway model, nor is most of her classmates or peers. If you can't say something helpful don't post!
Maybe you should come back later, when you can help
If I felt any more acerbic right now I'd judge that as sidestepping the issue.
Because if you're not behind your daughter 100%, she won't be.
(P.S. There's a difference between being a 'runway model' and being 'really average'. A big one.)
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 7:32:40 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3908
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bowies_in_Space
If I felt any more acerbic right now I'd judge that as sidestepping the issue.
Because if you're not behind your daughter 100%, she won't be.
(P.S. There's a difference between being a 'runway model' and being 'really average'. A big one.)
She isn't sidestepping anything; you're just not listening to what the OP and others are saying. Average is just that, average. It means she isn't ugly nor exceptionally beautiful. Some kids have average brains, but that doesn't make them stupid, it just makes them normal.
Zhi made a good point. Junior High is probably the worst time some young girls will every face in their lives. It was during Junior High that I seriously considered suicide for probably the only time in my life. My parents loved me, but they didn't really understand how bad it got. But, it did get better. Do work harder on getting your husband to take his child more seriously. The demons she is facing right now are very real, and the dangers she is facing are very ugly and very real.
I second the idea to look for areas where she really does excel, and work on ways to deal with these girls (they aren't her "friends" are they?).
This won't solve anything, but have you thought about taking her on a "girly" day out? A day when the two of you could get a new hairstyle and maybe a manicure/pedicure? Not only will she feel a bit more spify about her looks, but maybe it would be an opening, a time when she'd feel more comfortable talking to you about her feelings.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 11:01:45 AM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 139
Joined: 11/21/2007
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One of my worst nightmares is that I would have to relive the teenage experience. It is such a hard time. You get blasted from every angle that to be pretty you must be this airbrushed unrealistic creature that no one, not even the original model, could every live up to in real life. Teenage girls are mean, mean, mean. They are catty and cliquish. They tear each other down in a way that would stun and horrify a professional assassin. Emotionally you are unsure of yourself and your changing body.
Even though I am now 36, I remember the pain of that age. Because I did not have the maturity and perspective to balance it out, the pain was so much harder. I mean that literally. I have dealt with situations far more tragic and painful as an adult but none of them hurt as bad as the pain of bring ripped up by your peers.
Please take your daughter seriously and try to get your husband to see how important it is as well. My parents had no clue the pain I was in at that age. I was a vivacious cheerleader with great grades and involved in a whole slew of activities. Inside I was contemplating suicide to make the pain go away. There were days I honestly would have rather died than face what was waiting for me at school. There were other factors in my life but the pain from my peer group was a major factor. My mother would tell me, "Just wait to get older, then you will know how hard life can be." Well, I am older and I still say that time was a lot harder.
Karen
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 11:10:31 AM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2945
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
My mother would tell me, "Just wait to get older, then you will know how hard life can be." Well, I am older and I still say that time was a lot harder.
Karen
Totally agree. Going to work everyday and paying bills is a lot easier than middle school.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 11:16:46 AM
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Zhi
Posts: 1498
Joined: 7/31/2007
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I agree. I cannot stress how dangerous these years can be. I also considered suicide, and only the support of my parents, my religious beliefs, and the hope of a better day literally saved my life. Those years are hard enough, but schools, especially public schools, turn them into a nightmarish jungle, and if you aren't in the "in" crowd of predators, you're the prey.
I have talked several kids in that age group out of suicide by telling them that they DO matter, they ARE worth something, and that things WILL get better.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 3:23:40 PM
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SuccessinTruth
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Joined: 9/3/2008
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I hated that age and the pain she is feeling is so real. I think one of the huge problems is the image that teenagers think they have to live up to. The models on the fronts of all the magazines. It might help her to know that the models have their pictures airbrushed, they don't look like that either.
Another problem is the kids at school. Oh, they can be so cruel. The girls in the cliques have such ugly insides. Ask her if she really, truly wants to be in with them? Does she want to be that superficial, without values that matter?
Does she have friends, or at least one good friend? They can support each other.
A church youth group can be a great social setting as well. Not that they're perfect, but they will usually have some in them who will see her for what she is and help uplift her. If not, change churches.
Unfortunately, what Mom and Dad say often doesn't count for much at her age. Peer opinion is what counts. But don't stop. Keep on with what you're doing, she's hearing you on some level, even though she doesn't admit it. Let her know you understand how she feels, and believe it or not, it will get better. Those people worth knowing will see her, and appreciate her, for who she is and all of her wonderful qualities.
And let her know that God made her exactly the way He wants her. She is perfect in His eyes!
She's already blessed for having a mother who cares so much, hang in there. Pray for His guidance and God bless you both.
_____________________________
May we Glorify the Lord in all that we say and do
SuccessinTruth
www.mybenefitsplus.com/40623337
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 4:32:36 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 411
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
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Hi there,
Thank you all for the comments and understanding how my dd is feeling. I was just like her at that age and went through the torment. I was not a believer and actually attempted suicide. So that is why this is such a concern for me. She is much stronger than I was, she is a believer and is serious about her faith. I talked with her again last night and she is feeling better. I think I will speak privately with our youth pastor so that he can speak to the other youth leaders so they are aware of the issue. There is a high school girl that assists with the Jr. high class and she is wonderful with my girl. I may speak to her also, she's sort of a mentor to many of the girls.
As far as talent, besides being very good in English and quite the writer, she is a very good singer. She is also learning to drum. Dh is teaching her and she has a good natural since of rhythm. I think I just really have to be more proactive about this issue. I can't change the girls at school but I can support my girl and help her.
"She's already blessed for having a mother who cares so much, hang in there. Pray for His guidance and God bless you both. " Successin Truth..thank you for that. I am the one who is blessed to be her mom.
Kim Q
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 11:42:53 PM
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stellaluna
Posts: 4398
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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Swimming? Gymnastics or trampoline? I'm just brainstorming here.
She may not be interested in doing anything like that, but it might also be worth it to encourage her to at least try something new. Exercise is just a good habit to get into, but it also is a great stress reliever! I ran track in middle school and absolutely loved the release of it.
_____________________________
Who should be allowed to attend church?
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/18/2008 11:48:50 PM
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stellaluna
Posts: 4398
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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And one more thing...(I know you're probably tired of me)
You said she was a good writer. National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is coming up in November. They have a young writers program that might give her something to look forward to now and something to concentrate on in November. The website is shut down as of today, but it will be back up on October 1. You should check it out. www.nanawrimo.org
_____________________________
Who should be allowed to attend church?
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RE: 13yo and self image - 9/19/2008 12:01:51 AM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 411
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
Status: offline
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No Stellaluna I'm not getting tired of you. We are actually thinking about gymnastics for all three. There is a group here that teaches classes to both "normal" and disabled kids. My twins would be able to be with kids that are developmentally like them and Jessica could take classes with the typical kids. They have scholarships so that might be the way we go. Probably not till after the 1st of the year though. She has so much school work right now and with DH in school we are a busy family.
I will check out that writer month. She tends to prefer short stories and poetry.
Thanks for putting so much thought into my question and giving me such good suggestions.
Kim Q
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