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A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 12:06:39 AM
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purplepixie87
Posts: 87
Joined: 5/29/2008
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Hello everybody. :) I'm here with quite a few questions, so please please please bear with me. I will mark the questions with numbers, and anything referring to the question with dashes, so that I don't accidentally confuse anybody.
1) Discipline. I am looking for ways to discipline my children without resorting to spanking, because I do not believe in spanking. Long story behind that, won't really go into it much, but long story short, in my family we tend to have short tempers, and for us spanking almost always leads to abuse. That and I don't feel as if intentionally hurting a child is truly in Christ's will. I'm not trying to spark debate here, I am just point out my reasoning for being against spanking. Ways that really work for stubborn children, but aren't corporal punishment. I'm going to try to bullet point everything that I feel needs to be corrected. If it helps, my children that I will be disciplining are 2 & 3. My youngest is not yet old enough to be disciplined, but when he is I will use the same discipline tactics. I'm putting what I feel needs to be corrected in case there would be different punishments for different things. I have tried time out for ALL of these but they refuse to stop with any of them.
----Both of my older children have a habit of climbing onto things and jumping off. I've tried stopping them and explaining to them that they shouldn't do that since they can get hurt, but it doesn't really seem to help.
----My eldest uses foul language quite a bit. Is there any way to stop her from this that somebody her age would understand? I've never really told her to stop using the foul language before, there are only certain things I will not permit (such as using the Lord's name in vain with swearing). I myself use foul language quite a bit, even though I've cut back a little bit in the past 2 weeks since becoming Christian, I still use it a lot. So I'm sure that doesn't set good examples for her, but it is a hard habit to break. :) I am not against using a bit of soap, however I am against using anything that will literally burn and/or sting. Like fireballs, tabasco sauce, etc.
----Fighting. I mean fighting where they are hitting, pushing, pulling hair, etc. Just being outright mean to each other.
----Getting food/drink by themselves, even though they know they are not allowed to do so.
----Not eating when told it's dinner time.
----When told they cannot have a piece of candy/popsicle/soda/etc. they go and get it, or they will whine and cry.
----Attempting to put a DVD in by themselves when they were told they could not watch a movie, or attempting to change the channel on the TV when they were told not to.
----If they are told not to change the channel, and you refuse to put them in another room to watch it, they whine and cry and scream until you are going crazy and you do it anyways.
----Getting into other people's things, they both know that the toys are for them to play with. Not the fishtanks, not mommy's purse, not anything else but their toys.
----Not going to bed/taking a nap when told.
----Name-calling.
----Taking things away from siblings without asking nicely first.
Okay, now I'm moving onto other things that I have problems with. Sorry for the really long post guys. :)
2) Bottles. My eldest still wants a bottle, and she refuses to give it up. I've tried everything to coax her away from it, nothing really works. :(
3) I see this mentioned a lot on the boards, to only let your children watch God-honoring TV. But, what exactly is required of something for it to be God-honoring? I pretty much let my kids watch anything they want, but I'm sort of interested in hearing more about this.
4) Does anybody have any ideas for some rules to put up, along with punishment if they break said rules? I've seen this mentioned here as well, so I'm looking for some ideas.
5) Getting children to keep their clothes on, and in the same way keep their panties/diaper on!
Hrm, I think that's about it! Thanks in advance everyone, just in case I don't get back to respond soon. :) I'm posting this here, mainly because all the disciplinary methods I have tried do not work for me, but I also want to run a more Christian-minded household.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 12:16:48 AM
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thisistheday
Posts: 10829
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how old are your kids PurplePixie?
Welcome to forums!
Dee
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 12:36:46 AM
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purplepixie87
Posts: 87
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My kids are 3, 2, and 1. I will only be disciplining the 3 year old and the 2 year old, however. My 1 year old has just started walking recently, and he isn't really old enough to understand discipline yet.
Thank you. :)
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 12:44:49 AM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 11418
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LOL...sounds like you have a fun house some days 
ok...here are some tips that I can think of (I am tired, so if I ramble I am sorry).
we try to have rules that are based on scripture...more importantly based on principles in scripture. That makes it cover more bases....that way we don't have to list "Don't hit, bite, punch, etc"...we just simply say "treat others as you would want them to treat you". It covers more bases then listing everything and can easily be tweaked to include all the struggles each individual child may have in certain areas.
I like things like natural consequences for breaking rules or not acting appropriately. If someone is hitting then they need to be isolated by themselves so that they don't hurt others. If someone wants to scream, they can do it in their room where others ears don't have to hear it. If someone can't sit on the couch properly then they lose the privilege of sitting on the couch. Things like that.
You mentioned a few things.....so I will try to address what we would do in those situations.....
----Fighting. I mean fighting where they are hitting, pushing, pulling hair, etc. Just being outright mean to each other.
we would separate them...if they can't play nicely together then they can't play together at all.
----Getting food/drink by themselves, even though they know they are not allowed to do so.
I would put child locks on things if possible...if they can still get in then I would lock the door. If there is not a door to lock then the child can't be trusted out of my sight, so they will stay in my sight at all times....period.
----Not eating when told it's dinner time.
We don't make issues out of meals...I don't fight with them about food and we don't require that they eat certain amounts. They will however eat whatever the meal is or they won't eat. We fix things that they like and know how to cook things the way they like them cooked. We give them options for toppings (such as who wants cheese who doesn't, etc)...but the basics are going to be what they are. If they choose to not eat at a meal then that's their decision, but they won't eat again until the next designated time to eat (for us it is about every three hours that we either have a meal time or a snack time).
----When told they cannot have a piece of candy/popsicle/soda/etc. they go and get it, or they will whine and cry.
we don't typically have this problem because we have one allergic to corn syrup, so we just don't keep things like this around. However, theoretically speaking, it would be taken away and be put where they can't reach it.
----Attempting to put a DVD in by themselves when they were told they could not watch a movie, or attempting to change the channel on the TV when they were told not to.
for this one, that's why there is a plug...unplug it and lock the cabinet if they can't leave it alone when told to. Being grounded from the tv for a few days or a week or two isn't going to kill them....and they can earn that right back by not messing with things they aren't allowed to mess with.
----If they are told not to change the channel, and you refuse to put them in another room to watch it, they whine and cry and scream until you are going crazy and you do it anyways.
whining, screaming, and crying are not options...if you choose to act like that then you are in another room away from us until you stop. IMO you are the one setting them up to fail if you are giving in to their demands just because you can't take it anymore...that's exactly what they want. Why even try to get rules and boundaries set if you aren't going to follow through with them when push comes to shove...there's no point...might as well just give in in the beginning because it's all the same result. We don't allow our kids to ever "win" or feel they have beat us in anything. We don't allow them to manipulate us in any way with whining, crying, pitching a fit, etc. It just isn't going to happen. I know they can be stubborn, but I also know I can be too..and I WILL win.
----Getting into other people's things, they both know that the toys are for them to play with. Not the fishtanks, not mommy's purse, not anything else but their toys.
my kids have areas that are safe areas for them to play without constant supervision...if they prove to not be trustworthy in other areas of the house then they get put in the baby proof areas..where only baby toys are. Act like a baby and you will play like a baby does..in a confined space.
----Not going to bed/taking a nap when told.
again it's not an option...we have rest time every day. You don't have to go to sleep, but you must rest. I have never let mine get into the habit of ruling the roost in this one, so it has never really been a problem. We consistently lay down every day after lunch.
----Name-calling.
if you can't act appropriately then you will not be around others...isolate them to their bed until they can be nice.
----Taking things away from siblings without asking nicely first.
if a toy can't be shared then it goes to time out around here. We constantly have the "I had it first" fight...and if I can't determine who actually DID have it first (as in I saw this child playing with it and the other take it) then the toy can't share itself so it goes to time out. If it is a constant struggle with one particular child then they can be by themselves.
Bottles.
how old is she? I had one that wouldn't give it up til she turned 3yo...different reasons (lots of upset in her short life from daddy being deployed to moving around the world and things like that, and she needed the security). Once things settled down though we gave her a date..her birthday...and on that date we packed them all up (with her help) and she never saw them again. She cried a little, but we didn't give in and get them back out...and she transitioned nicely after a few days.
I don't have any advice for kids not staying dressed....depending on the age, it's a phase.
btw...what ages are we talking here for your kids?
As far as rules and punishments...we have a chart we use..it's a rainbow chart with each color having certain things you have the privilege of doing if you stay on or above that color. HERE is a picture of it. We have large popsicles sticks with their pics on it and they can be moved down the chart for bad behavior. We sat down and figured out the things we felt were good things to have on the chart of things they could do (with permission) on the different colors...and here is what we came up with....
Red...
Play Outside
Swim
Do Gardening
Yellow...
Watch TV or Video
Computer Games
Video games
Green...
Draw
Color
Play games
Blue...
Read a Book
Play with toys in room
Purple...
Do Chores
Schoolwork
Clean
Spend time thinking
The object is to stay in red where you can do anything on the chart in the red or any color below that...so basically anything. However as you go down you lose things and can no longer do them until the chart is reset (we reset ours every weekend, so they stay where they are until then, even if that means going all the way down for the whole week). Unless it is a major thing, we only drop them one rung at a time. The only exception we have so far had to make for this is when our oldest was playing with matches...he immediately went to the bottom color for the rest of the week. Our kids are 8yo, 7yo, 3yo, and not quite 2yo....the older two do very well on this kind of chart...the younger two not so much, but they will grow into it. So the ages really will determine how well something like that would work. One of the ladies around here has a longer chart kind of like this for her crew...they are older so she has other things on hers. We tweaked hers down to fit our lifestyle more easily...but I got most of the ideas for it from her chart. Maybe she can post hers too...it's a little different then ours cause her kids are older.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 1:25:59 AM
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mayfly
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peculiar_lady2, I love that chart! I'm saving it to my hard drive (I hope you don't mind) to remind myself when I have kids (in a few years, God willing).
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I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 1:26:53 AM
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thisistheday
Posts: 10829
Joined: 4/11/2005
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At the ages of your kids, especially the younger ones, I'd do a lot of redirecting. "Close the fridge now, go play with your blocks." Also, "you changed the channel, so now the TV is being turned off." (If the kiddos were watching.)
If they are in your purse when you are out and about, you could make sure they have their own bag of things that they can play with.
The one year old is old enough to understand the meaning of the word "no." Say "no candy, as you take it away." Or "no purse" as you redirect him. Same with "no hit" or "no pull hair." I'd say those words as I held their hand. Don't think your one year old is too young for discipline. I mean discipline in the sense of teaching them how to act.
At those ages for whining and crying and screaming I would either ignore, or send them to their rooms, depending on the length, intensity, age of child, etc.
For meals I would make sure they hadn't had a recent snack. Then I'd physically take them to the table at mealtime. I wouldn't make them eat though. If they didn't sit there nicely they'd go to their rooms.
Dee
< Message edited by thisistheday -- 5/30/2008 1:32:53 AM >
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 7:09:52 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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I think your biggest allies in this are going to be calmness and consistency. Once you decide on a consequence, make sure they get it every time they disobey. Every. Single. Time. And you cannot let them see their behavior getting to you in anyway. If you fly off the handle, they've got you. And honestly, if you fly off the handle and scream at them, I think that's worse than a calm, restrained spanking. So, I understand you not wanting to spank, but be sure you aren't using verbal correction to ventilate anger either. Words can hurt just as much.
----Both of my older children have a habit of climbing onto things and jumping off. I've tried stopping them and explaining to them that they shouldn't do that since they can get hurt, but it doesn't really seem to help.
What kind of heights are you talking about? If it's off a coffee table or something, I'd let them do it and ignore it. If they bump their little heads, they'll learn. If they're jumping from the table or countertop, I'd physically lift them off every single time I catch them and apply whatever consequence I decided upon (make them sit on the couch for 5 minutes, no books or toys, whatever)
quote:
----My eldest uses foul language quite a bit. Is there any way to stop her from this that somebody her age would understand? I myself use foul language quite a bit...
Here you have a problem. You are expecting a 3 year old to control herself when you chose not to. She is *imitating you*. She has no clue what "foul language" is, or how bad it is. All she knows is that *you* seem to think it's OK to use.  In this case I would sit down with her, and explain simply that *you* are wrong to use that language, and that you and she are going to work together to clean up your speech. Tell her you will help her by correcting her when she uses bad language, and give her the "power" to remind you about your language if she hears you cussing.
----Fighting.
Immediate separation and consequences.
----Getting food/drink by themselves, even though they know they are not allowed to do so.
Put a lock on the fridge/cupboards. Consequences when you catch them trying.
----Not eating when told it's dinner time.
Present them with the food, and if they don't want it, do not cave and give them snacks later. They won't starve if they miss a meal, and they will learn quickly.
----When told they cannot have a piece of candy/popsicle/soda/etc. they go and get it, or they will whine and cry.
No means no means no.
You're just going to have to block your ears to their crying until they get the message that you mean what you say.
----Attempting to put a DVD in by themselves when they were told they could not watch a movie, or attempting to change the channel on the TV when they were told not to.
Me personally, I would unplug the TV, and take it and the dvds into the basement until their other behavior was under control. That will give you more time to concentrate on them and work on their behavior anyway. 
----Getting into other people's things, they both know that the toys are for them to play with. Not the fishtanks, not mommy's purse, not anything else but their toys.
Physical removal from whatever they're into, immediate consequence.
----Not going to bed/taking a nap when told.
Physically put them in bed. Every time they get up. If you have to sit by their beds until they fall asleep for a week and put them back in bed 10 times each night, do it.
----Name-calling.
Immediate consequence. Every time.
----Taking things away from siblings without asking nicely first.
Immediate removal of the object, return it to sibling and consequence for the snatching child.
2) Bottles. My eldest still wants a bottle, and she refuses to give it up. I've tried everything to coax her away from it, nothing really works. :(
Throw it away. Or, if you want to be "nice" about it, help her pack her bottles to send to the "Bottle Fairy" and maybe let her choose a new cup just for her. 
3) I see this mentioned a lot on the boards, to only let your children watch God-honoring TV. But, what exactly is required of something for it to be God-honoring? I pretty much let my kids watch anything they want, but I'm sort of interested in hearing more about this.
I really do think putting away the TV for a while would be a good idea.  If you're unsure yourself about what honors God, then maybe you need a little distance to get some perspective. Or, you could start with TV that is specifically *only* for toddlers. There are certain channels with only kids programs.
Basic rules--toddlers don't need to see sex, violence, hear foul language.
I like Sarah's chart for rules and consequences!
I've never had a problem with clothes, so I will leave that one.
To be perfectly honest, I think you are going to have to really focus on this for a few weeks or even months. It sounds like things are pretty much out of control at this point. The suggestions given aren't going to work immediately, and your kids aren't going to like the changes at first. You are going to have to be persistent and consistent and not let them cry and whine you into submission. You are the mom. You are the boss. All the changes you want to make are for their benefit, and you have to remember than when you are in the middle of outlasting a screaming toddler. Take two weeks and consider it "boot camp" for you and for them. 
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 7:24:04 AM
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BlessedMamaofmany
Posts: 1830
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awesome advice so far
You're going to have to remember, these behaviors weren't learned over night and they won't be fixed overnight.
It's very likely that as soon as you start putting your foot down and requiring obedience, their behavior will get worse. They'll push and push and push, thinking that if they push hard enough, you'll give up and let them have their own way.
DO NOT GIVE UP. You are going to have to commit to win this battle, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times you have to discipline. Even if you have to repeat it 20 times a day for a week, I can promise you, one day your efforts will pay off, if you're willing to invest the time and effort now...and the reward will be obedient, loving blessings.
Sandy
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DustySgt
I  my soldier!
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
MOO
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 8:06:04 AM
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lexie
Posts: 3052
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From: Toronto
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quote:
I really do think putting away the TV for a while would be a good idea. If you're unsure yourself about what honors God, then maybe you need a little distance to get some perspective. Or, you could start with TV that is specifically *only* for toddlers. There are certain channels with only kids programs.
Basic rules--toddlers don't need to see sex, violence, hear foul language
For your kids age and situation, I would also suggest switching to videos only for your kids. They don't need to be watching specific shows or at certain times, and with videos you can monitor what they are watching.
Watch out for the channels for toddlers though. On ours here, there is a program which I find inappropriate for toddlers (while it is aimed at them, there are two male cartoon characters doing things such as kissing frogs looking for "their prince", wearing lipstick etc.) I've gotten comments from other parents that I'm being silly about not letting my child watch it because she is young, but I don't want my children to learn that something like that is the norm from such a young age.
Purplepixie - are you a stay at home mom? If there are other people watching your children make sure they know your new rules and the consequences of breaking a rule, so that your children have stability in their behaviour and in rules no matter where they are or who they are with.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 10:00:36 AM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 11418
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From: Between Hither and Yon
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mayfly
peculiar_lady2, I love that chart! I'm saving it to my hard drive (I hope you don't mind) to remind myself when I have kids (in a few years, God willing).
no I don't mind at all!!! I love it too!!!! Like I said I got it from a larger one that Lisa (Ellie-Mae) put that she uses....then just tweaked it to fit our life and ages of kids.
quote:
P.S. Sarah, thank you for that nice post on the privilege chart. I knew I could count on you to bring that up.
I love that chart!!!! It has really helped keep things more consistent around here!!!!!
I definitely love what Lisa said too about discipline being from the word disciple!!! That is a great post Lisa...if I could star you I would!!!
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 10:32:15 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1119
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The first thing that strikes me reading your list is that you want your 2 and 3 year old to stop doing a lot of things that I don't mind at all in my (very self directed) 3 year old. That's fair enough. Parents have different standards of behaviour, based on their personal preferences, and I'm not trying to tell you that you are wrong to want to put a stop to whatever it is that you choose.
But, when you choose to have high standards for young children you are going to be doing a lot of enforcing, and if the enforcing is difficult or if it's not working well, you might consider focusing on just the essentials until you get a workable strategy and kids who have learned to respect your authority and follow your instructions.
I also think that toddlers long to do things for themselves and have some degree of control and decision making. I consider this healthy - and when I tried to control everything, I got resistance on everything. When I decided not to bother myself so much, my dd more readily obeyed the instructions that I did choose to give her.
Plus, when you try to enforce too much, you end up giving in from time to time, then the kids learn to keep on pressing and pressing you. If you enforce less, you can hold your ground better, and they will learn that you mean what you say every time.
So, I'm going to give you my reasoning, and maybe it will help you decide which behaviours to work on first of all, and which can wait a while.
I do not think a 2 or 3 year old will be badly hurt by a fall from a couch, chair or anything about that high... I'd start drawing my line at counter-top height.
I'm not sure that a child who does not understand foul words is actually using them in a 'foul' way... but I might work on this one just for my own comfort as a parent.
Fighting is a real problem. See my post >>click here<< for very detailed advice. This is what I would work on first of all.
2 and 3 year olds might be permitted to get food for themselves, as long as you are able to limit which things they may get (fruit, yogurt, a little bag of chereeos - that kind of thing)
Nobody should be required to eat if they are not hungry... Have them come to table and serve them a reasonable plate full (no more than 3 toddler-size bites of each item) and make them stay at table for a reasonable time. When supper is done, put it away in case they get hungry later. This is not a punishment, this is just a normal way to eat.
It's normal to be upset when you don't get something you were looking forward to. You can express sympathy if they are sad, and/or ignore them and/or put them in a place where they can fuss loudly without you having to hear it (depending how loud the reaction is).
But, direct disobedience (getting the popsicle, putting the DVD in etc.) is a big problem that should also be at the top of your list. You should deal with this swiftly by saying calmly but firmly, "I said no." firmly grabbing away the item, turning the TV off or taking them away from the TV room (which will probably cause a fuss) then moving them to the loud-fuss location.
It's good to have some things off limits, but toddlers love to be involved in the real world. Your purse is private, but the fishtank can be fun. My 3 year old feeds the fish every morning. Can they have their own purses? (Are they girls?) Can they help you with adult things like dishes and laundry and stuff?
Draw a line about going to bed - they need to go, they need to be in bed and they need to be quiet. If they do this, you can leave their door open. If they disobey, you close their door, and if they persist, I've seen an effective technique involving putting them in a high chair for a minute or two before telling them again to stay in bed. However, keep in mind that you can not make them sleep. If you give them some quiet but a little bit fun sort of things to do in bed, they will probably drift off or amuse themselves alone -- both good things. (TV interferes with these skills though -- how much screen time do they get daily?)
Name calling and grabbing go in with fighting... they are pre-fight behaviors.
(2) You don't need to coax a 3 year old off a bottle. Just don't give her one, tell her no, and follow the popsicle procedure if she gets one for herself. Her crying will not hurt you. You are not a bad mom just because she is unhappy.
(3) As a new Christian it will be hard for you to figure the TV thing out. Basically you think about, what is the lesson being learned. If the lesson learned is that friends are nice and you should be friendly, that kind of thing is fine and so are showing that people get in trouble for doing bad things. Problem shows are the ones that seem to say that kids can get away with doing bad things, or show kids doing things that Christian kids don't do, like pretending to cast spells or honouring nature spirits.
(4) At 2 and 3, the 2 basic rules are (1) "Do as Mommy says" and (2) "Be nice"
(5) Tell them that they can be naked in their own bedrooms and in the bathroom. If they undress, put them there and let them stay there until they call for you to help them dress again.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 11:04:54 AM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 1648
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From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lexie
Watch out for the channels for toddlers though. On ours here, there is a program which I find inappropriate for toddlers (while it is aimed at them, there are two male cartoon characters doing things such as kissing frogs looking for "their prince", wearing lipstick etc.) I've gotten comments from other parents that I'm being silly about not letting my child watch it because she is young, but I don't want my children to learn that something like that is the norm from such a young age.
You have found Toopy & Binou on Treehouse TV!!! I get comments all the time about the shows I won't allow the kids to watch ... I just let them know that if they have a problem with my rules, they don't have to come over to the house!!
Nw, back to the OP ... it has been suggested in several other threads to read the book "Boundaries With Kids" by Cloud and Townsend ... it is a really good book. But, as has been previously mentioned, you need to make sure YOUR behaviour is in check before getting on the kids about theirs.
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Kara
I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I'd thought. So then I thought when I think a think, I'll write it down in pen and ink.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 11:41:29 AM
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SouthernBelleGrits
Posts: 31
Joined: 5/29/2008
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Purplepixie,
I'm new to the crosswalk forum too so I'll start by saying, "Hi!"
As I was reading your first post it spoke to my heart because I could have written much of that 14 years ago. I have three children ages 17,16, and 11. My first two were 15 months apart and I wanted so desperately to be a great Mom. There were things I definitely wanted to do differently for my own children. I was spanked as a child and I knew that it only made me angry and fearful. I was a very good child but I behaved out of fear. I made an agreement when I was thirteen that I never wanted to spank my child. My father spanked me for kicking my younger brother and I remember thinking, "He is such a hypocrit. I hit my brother then he hits me." It didn't make sense to me. I was never spanked a lot as a child but I remember the times I was and it brought out the appropriate behavior ...... BUT I was a wreck on the inside because I knew that only acceptable behavior would get my parents attention. I equated that with their love so I didn't know what to do with all the negative feelings and emotions. I learned to bury them. I've told you this to give you a glimpse of me and my wound in the area of spanking and not being able to express negative feelings and emotions around my parents. I did things totally different with my own children.
First, I want to tell you that God has given you three beautiful children so God knows you have what it takes to do a wonderful job of raising them. He will guide you in the way that he wants you to raise them. Your family is unique so look at each of your children differently and recognize their talents and gifts God has woven into them.
Second, try to get on the same page of discipline with the children's Father. My husband worked a lot when my children were younger, and we didn't really get on the same page with discipline. He and I disagreed in the area of spanking so that caused a lot of mixed messages being sent to the children. However, because he wasn't around much the discipline fell to me. Looking back this is a big regret for my husband and me. I don't know what we could have done differently though so we don't dwell on it. However, when my son( now 16 ) hit puberty and became rebellious my husband suddenly wanted to be able to discipline him. Lets just say it wasn't easy to suddenly begin telling a 13 year old what to do and how to do it. After 3 years, my husband is finally getting my son's respect back for not engaging fully with him when he was younger.
Third, You have a lot of questions about specific areas which I will address if you want but for now I just want to tell you that the two biggest things that worked with my children:
1)Give them lots of praise and affirmation. Tell them what to do instead of what not to do. For example: " You are such a big girl for drinking from a cup. I'm going to tell Daddy you drank from your cup all day today." Instead of "No, you can't have your bottle." The key is to draw attention to the positive things and make them attractive. We bought a mini trampoline for our two when they were 2 and 3 and put it in the middle of the living room. They loved it! Jumping off the couch wasn't as interesting anymore.
2) Give them the words to express their feelings. I bought a chart from a school supply store which had faces displaying a variety of emotions and the feeling word was underneath each expression. I used the chart for my own feelings too, and it opened up a world of communication between us. I have a different view about isolating a child who is expressing negative emotion. I didn't leave my children or isolate them when they were expressing negative emotion because I wanted them to have a safe place to share "all" of themselves. I've shared my wound in this area earlier in my post. As a result I have three children who readily tell me the good, the bad and the ugly. They know I love "all" of them and I won't leave them if they are ever in a bad place or have made a bad choice. They know that everyone makes mistakes and they aren't afraid to take responsibility for their bad choices. I believe if parents aren't a safe haven for children then children will find a safe haven for what they are feeling and thinking outside of the home or through addictions.
You have your hands full with three little ones. I'm so glad you posted and I hope you find some strategies here to deal with the discipline in you home. It can be exhausting so give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. Also, try to find a group of other Moms to share your heart with. I started a Moms and Tots group when my children were younger. We met as a group then we would trade off babysitting which gave my children some playtime with friends and me a break one day a week. We would also have "moms night out" one night a month when the Dads would stay home with the kids. My eldest is going off to college in August and I would give anything to have her jumping on that mini trampoline again. However, I fully believe that she is ready to go out into the world. She received a scholarship to her dream school several states away. I like to think that God is happy he entrusted her to me. I feel so very blessed for God to have allowed me to be her Mother.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 1:48:14 PM
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lexie
Posts: 3052
Joined: 6/27/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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quote:
You have found Toopy & Binou on Treehouse TV!!!
LOL...I was wondering if anyone else was going to recognize it!
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 4:30:47 PM
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purplepixie87
Posts: 87
Joined: 5/29/2008
Status: offline
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First off: To everyone thank you. This is all great advice and I deeply appreciate it. :)
quote:
ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits
Second, try to get on the same page of discipline with the children's Father. My husband worked a lot when my children were younger, and we didn't really get on the same page with discipline. He and I disagreed in the area of spanking so that caused a lot of mixed messages being sent to the children. However, because he wasn't around much the discipline fell to me. Looking back this is a big regret for my husband and me. I don't know what we could have done differently though so we don't dwell on it. However, when my son( now 16 ) hit puberty and became rebellious my husband suddenly wanted to be able to discipline him. Lets just say it wasn't easy to suddenly begin telling a 13 year old what to do and how to do it. After 3 years, my husband is finally getting my son's respect back for not engaging fully with him when he was younger.
I wouldn't be able to talk to the childrens' fathers about discipline because they aren't in the picture. However, my fiance is on the same page I am about discipline, so I know he would never try to spank them or anything once I move overseas to live with him. Regardless, thank you for all your advice. :) I like what you said about the emotions chart, I think I may see about getting one of those. I have an emotions magnet that I use often to try to get out my feelings, it's one big magnet with a little magnet that you move around on it to your emotion.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 8:22:36 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1647
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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ALL behavior has meaning. Find out what your children are really looking for and go from there. It sounds like a lot of it may be attention getting mechanisms.
To the question about getting your child to stop having his/her bottle...I think there has to come a day when you say once and for all that's it no more and take every bottle out of the house...period. A child cannot get something that is no longer there. You may be surprised at how soon they adapt.
If your children are never spending time with their dad/dads I would highly recommend you try to find a way for them to do so. Moving them to another country to be with another man who is not their Dad may not be the best move for them.
Have you given this longggggggggggggggggg consideration?
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 9:28:44 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 1648
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
To the question about getting your child to stop having his/her bottle...I think there has to come a day when you say once and for all that's it no more and take every bottle out of the house...period. A child cannot get something that is no longer there. You may be surprised at how soon they adapt.
The OP also made reference to a one year old, so removing all bottles may not be practical at this time ...
_____________________________
Kara
I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I'd thought. So then I thought when I think a think, I'll write it down in pen and ink.
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RE: A lot of parenting questions. - 5/30/2008 10:18:28 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 4303
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: offline
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More on discipline...
You have gotten some really good stuff. I am going to add to it with discipleship in mind.
Think of our children as your little disciples (after all, that is what they are).
----Fighting.
Your aim is to teach them to make good decisions and to figure out how to work these things out on their own. At this age, you would walk them through the steps of working it out and deciding who should have the toy or which game to play. You walk them through the steps:
Suzie I know that you would like to play your game. Tammy is littler, so let's play her game first and then you both can play your game. If you come and ask me, I will set the timer for 15 minutes and when it goes off then you can play your game with Tammy. We want to make sure that you both get to have fun. Remember, You are each other's best friend.
When they are not fighting, you can read stories about sharing and talk about how they love each other and that it pleases God when we treat each other with respect. We are each very special and we need to treat each other like they are special. Then encourage them to do something nice for the other sometime during the day.
Climbing:
Teach them how to get on and off the furniture. Have them do it several times in a row. If they refuse to use it properly then I wouldn't allow them to use it and they would have to sit on the floor for the rest of the day. I would start having discussions about how God has blessed us with so many wonderful things, and that we should take care of them. That is one way to show God that we are thankful for our belongings. It is also a good time to teach them that God expects us to honor and obey our parents. Obeying our parent is one way that God protects children. My kids have often seen the connection with disobedience and getting hurt.
These talks should happen when before they choose to misbehave. You can then remind of the lesson that you were discussing with them. This is a pro-active way to deal with issues before they become issues... it also helps children to make good choices, making bad choices less frequent. Having a prior discussion to point them back to helps correction to go much quicker.
Foul Language:
The thing about discipleship is that what you do speaks louder than what you tell them. The tighter grip that you get on yourself, the faster the habit will go away. Pray for God's help with this as it is important.
At our house, we call foul language or "toilet talk" Ugly talk. Words can be very ugly. Ugly talk includes swearing (we will call that swearing too), taking God's name in vain (we will let them know what they are doing), name calling, cussing, discussing bodily functions in an inappropriate manner (toilet talk), putting down another person or just being mean.
We really stress specialness of each other and the importance of treating them that way, speaking to uplift and build each other up, being respectful and loving. They are each other's best friends.
Food and Drink:
I would teach them about healthy eating. I use the four food groups, especially for kids that small. Make a poster board with places for the four food groups on it. cut out pics from magazines and help them figure out what group they belong to. Let them help do some of the dinners and see if they can figure out which group the food belong in. Add raisins... My kids love having a bit of sweet in everything from salads to pasta. Get rid of the sweets in your house and have baby carrots and such in the fridge for when they need a snack. Put everything else out of reach. I have even bought alarms for our fridge to alert me when someone opens a door. Give them a sticker when they make healthy choices.
We have a special water container with a spiggot on it so they can have water when ever they want some.
These are your little disciples; have fun teaching them!
Well, I would post more, but I need to get some sleep. I think that you probably get the idea. I often refer to our home as "boot camp" because every situation is chance to learn. We keep going over stuff until they get it. They do start to take to heart what is being taught and will eventually run with it. Don't loose heart. Take everything to God in prayer. Read your Bible, Read the Bible accounts to your children. Help them to glean from the events.Even if they seem too young right now, do it any way. You will be amazed at what they do get. It will also give you special time with your kids and a chance to instruct them on how to live.
Oh, another thing... One thing that might help the bottle is to refuse (and you have to stick to it 100% of the time) to put anything other than water in it. If she doesn't drop it after a couple of weeks, you will just have to not give it to her. If she throws a fit, let her do it in her bed where she is not disturbing the rest of the household. My kids are allowed to be upset. I make sure that they know that I understand why they are upset. They are allowed a short time of (maybe one minute) of being angry loudly in their room, but after that they have to tone it down. I let my kids choose when to come out of their room as long as they are really done with their fit.
< Message edited by Ellie-Mae -- 5/31/2008 8:04:52 AM >
_____________________________
Isaiah 40:29
He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
W2D1
292 more miles to go!
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