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Affirmation - 7/11/2008 8:03:19 PM
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SowTearsReapJoy
Posts: 2
Joined: 7/11/2008
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I recently began dating this amazing guy after meeting him off eHarmony. (For all of you that think it doesn't work... it does!). He's a mighty man of God, and just puts a smile on my face when I think of him. He's made it very clear to me of his want to be exclusive and that he wants to get to know me better. The problem is, he's in the military and he's gone a lot. I'm lucky if I get to see him a few times a month. When he is free he obviously has other obligations too (i.e., friends, family, hobbies, etc.), so sometimes I do feel like there isn't a place in his life for me, regardless of what he says.
The other day we were discussing love languages and I was told him mine, affirmation. I have a huge insecurity in relationship with needing to know that I'm wanted. He understood this, but I don't think to the extent that it really is. I know he's not intentionally ignoring me, and every sensible part of me knows he wants to see me and continue our relationship... I'm just feeling a bit insecure about it. Should I say something to him or just let it go? I realize men don't think the same way as women and the last thing I want to do is come off as needy or clingy. Am I just being "a girl" about it?
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RE: Affirmation - 7/11/2008 10:45:05 PM
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pbaribeault
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If his career is such that he can not meet your desire for close companionship to build the relationship, then you really need to think seriously about whether you want to be married to a military man. It's no easy thing. It's much harder than just dating a military man.
Bottom line, if you are not getting enough of him to build a relationship, there is very little chance of you getting enough of him to be happily married...
Unless something changes. If you get the idea that you would feel more 'secure' as a wife, so your need for time together would decrease... Or if his housing at 'home' is re-arrangeable such that you could set up a family home and see him daily, if briefly, as his wife... Or if you can picture it working out some other way...
Then there is hope and maybe you should persevere in your discomfort, and/or try to change your emotions through sound thinking.
... But you still need to think about deployment, risk of death or injury and how you might feel about managing a future family with the kind of father that a military father is able to be.
Maybe you are anxious for a real reason. Maybe not. Think it through... this is not the time to 'go with your gut' and let your emotions run your life.
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RE: Affirmation - 7/12/2008 2:19:31 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1498
Joined: 9/26/2007
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I second what Pbaribeault said - marriage is rougher than dating and this might not be a keeper situation.
It sounds like he is giving you conflicting messages: he wants a relationship but he's not willing to build it when he has other things to do.
Something I've seen is that guys and gals think differently about relationships. Guys can be best friends with someone they just watch TV with. Their minds are like file cabinets: they pull out a file and open it, and they are all there. Then they put the file away and it doesn't exist... until they pull it out again. Gals, on the other hand, are "on" all the time. We see all the contents of the file cabinet at once, and everything is current. We keep in touch with feelings and what's going on. Guys are doorbells, gals are sleighbells. So to call yourself needy may just be to say you're a woman and think like one.
If you're willing to be forgotten most of the time, or he's willing to discover and adapt to your needs, I think this relationship has a chance. If he wants to just keep on like it is, I'd explain to him how a woman works (so he knows why you're leaving), and break off the relationship. If he has second thoughts, he'll know the way back in because you explained it to him.
And pray like crazy. It may be he isn't for you. God bless, dear one.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Affirmation - 7/12/2008 10:11:01 PM
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SowTearsReapJoy
Posts: 2
Joined: 7/11/2008
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He has said that after the summer his schedule will calm down dramatically. I really want to hang in there that long, but like pbaribeault said, I don't want it to turn into a situation where I'm not getting enough of him to build a relationship. I'm trying very hard to be understanding and to listen to God.
It's good to know that I'm not completely overreacting with my feelings. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in the company of the person you're trying to build a relationship with. It's hard to do that over text messages and e-mails.
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RE: Affirmation - 7/13/2008 1:10:48 AM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 266
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
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It does take more than email and texting to build a relationship. My situation was a little different than yours (my ex went to prison not military) but the distance thing is still common. It takes being able to talk face to face, go places together, pray together, etc. to really get to know someone. I couldn't do that with my ex and it is hard to do with a military man as well. Neither of them can pack up and go whenever they want and they both have some other person controlling their days. I divorced my ex because I couldn't see us having a healthy marriage without being together. I am not saying to break it off with this person, just that you have to understand that he can not just do whatever he wants. You really have to be a certain type of person to be with a military man. I personally couldn't do it.
_____________________________
*Robin*
I am not claiming to have all the answers but I'm holding on to the one who does!
-quoted from a song by 33Miles called Come With Me
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RE: Affirmation - 7/13/2008 2:20:05 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 768
Joined: 11/28/2005
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I think you're seeing the real problems in the relationship -
a military man, romance, long distances and you don't flow smoothly.
He answers to God, Uncle Sam/country and somewhere down the list is you.
*He understands more than you think - the trouble is he's chained to the military and he's not in a position to give you the affirmation you need. It's not that he doesn't care but he's limited by what he can give you and when.
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RE: Affirmation - 7/13/2008 9:42:54 AM
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fierypumpkin
Posts: 15
Joined: 11/6/2007
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quote:
I realize men don't think the same way as women and the last thing I want to do is come off as needy or clingy.
if you don't tell him how you feel, he will never know!!!
if you don't talk to him, communicate, and disclose, it will be just like 'hiding' a part of you from him.
the very thing you do not want him to do!!!!
you told him, but you don't think he understands the full extent.... that was your practice run, NOW figure out how to say it so that he will understand for certain.
I hope this all works out for you.... us Godly men are soooo hard to find these days!!!
_____________________________
stompin' for Jesus
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RE: Affirmation - 7/13/2008 11:25:49 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1498
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SowTearsReapJoy
He has said that after the summer his schedule will calm down dramatically.
Hmmm. He could be right, or he could be stringing you along for his own selfish reasons. You'll know if it's the latter because every wait will be followed by a reason for another wait.
Real life causes waits, too, so you'll have to discern what wait is out of his control and what wait is manufactured by him.
God bless you and comfort you, dear one. Fierypumpkin is right: those godly men are hard to find, but God is your matchmaker and He knows where every one of them is!
God bless you, too, Fierypumpkin.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Affirmation - 7/13/2008 11:40:52 AM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 380
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
I think you're seeing the real problems in the relationship -
a military man, romance, long distances and you don't flow smoothly.
He answers to God, Uncle Sam/country and somewhere down the list is you.
*He understands more than you think - the trouble is he's chained to the military and he's not in a position to give you the affirmation you need. It's not that he doesn't care but he's limited by what he can give you and when.
Very well said.
_____________________________
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you
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