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Best way to help ex boyfriend - 5/3/2008 1:03:36 PM
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Kylie14
Posts: 90
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline
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I recently ended a relationship with this guy.We both fell into a lot of sin and there was bad feelings on both our parts when it ended.I have forgiven him and moved on.I'm now working on myself and finding God again and am trying to clean up my life.I have a lot to work on,but I'm trying.I'm excited about my new faith and beliefs and would like to share them with him.We work together and things are somewhat better between us now.The problem is he tends to blow off God and religion.He told me that his mother has been trying to save him his whole life and she's failed so don't bother trying.He drinks a lot everyday usually,cusses like crazy and is pretty set in his ways.I really would like to help him but don't know how to approach him about this.He is very arrogant and proud.He tends to be self centered. He lives in his own world and is resistant to change unless it is sexual.I would like to help him but don't know how.In you guy's opinion what is the best way to approach him about this and help him without turning him off?
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RE: Best way to help ex boyfriend - 5/3/2008 1:12:32 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 129
Joined: 6/15/2006
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You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped Kylie. It sounds like you need to cut your losses and move on as hard as that might be to do...And I might add the age-proven wisdom in not getting physically involved with someone you are not married to. It only clouds your judgement and it only leaves you emotionally wounded in the end, baggage that will hurt your chances at having a positive relationship with a man in the future.
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 5/3/2008 1:19:48 PM >
_____________________________
Live each day as thought it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Best way to help ex boyfriend - 5/3/2008 2:16:28 PM
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Kylie14
Posts: 90
Joined: 9/20/2007
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Choir I have thought about that to.About him not wanting to change.That's why I'm asking for input.You give good advice about not getting physically involved with someone your not married to.I have always known this to be true,but I made a bad decision and choice.I was hurt but I have come out of it and it has made me stronger in the long run.I just hate to think that he is hopeless even though I know that that is a possibility and in the end I might have to do exactly what you said and cut my losses and let things be the way they are.
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RE: Best way to help ex boyfriend - 5/3/2008 2:34:15 PM
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sylvan
Posts: 12
Joined: 5/2/2008
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I agree with the above comment and think you're still to close to this person and/or situation.
Also, we often want to help certain people out of our own desire instead of in the true spirit of giving. Look for the source of this within yourself. I'm sure there are reasons you want to help this prideful, self-centered alcoholic - but, you are no longer in a relationship with him. A self-centered alcoholic will never give you validation, respect, or anything else you might still be trying to gain.
Stop empowering him - he loves the attention. God wants us to help others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves and be let astray. You may not realize it (or maybe you do), but this is an abusive relationship. God can reach this man if God wants to reach him. You have done your part, so I would truly end this relationship.
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RE: Best way to help ex boyfriend - 5/4/2008 9:44:15 AM
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TQ_Fan_4_Life
Posts: 3264
Joined: 5/8/2007
From: somewhere cold at foot of a mountain
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if you have doubts now, they will most likely get stronger if you try to pursue a relationship. we don't decide our relationships, God does. and even then when God is the center of them, if both don't pursue him first and work together in all things((and lots of times when they do,sadly))) the relationships fail.
_____________________________
Fired up believer of Christ, Bible-totin, Pro-NRA, Anti-Peta, football-lovin, apple-pie eatin, Anti-Starbucks, huntin and fishin, pro-military, republican
can u say Politically Correct?
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RE: Best way to help ex boyfriend - 5/4/2008 11:09:08 AM
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aldrmctchr
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/26/2008
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I had to respond to this....quote]ORIGINAL: sylvan
I agree with the above comment and think you're still to close to this person and/or situation. (just like me)
I'm sure there are reasons you want to help this prideful, self-centered alcoholic - (mine was just mean, self-centered, yelled at me cursed all the time, irresponsible, even hit me a few times, etc.) but, you are no longer in a relationship with him. (even though those things occured it is still hard, its like a death)
A self-centered alcoholic (person) will never give you validation, respect, or anything else you might still be trying to gain. (I stayed for over 15 years hoping to get these things and finally woke up and knew that unless he wanted to change himself there was nothing i could say or do that was going to have any impact - he too was resistant to church and to God)
Stop empowering him - he loves the attention. (exactly what my counselor told me about my exhusband!)
God wants us to help others, but he doesn't want us to lose ourselves and be let astray. You may not realize it (or maybe you do - I did but didn't act on it for years, I was afraid of many things), but this is an abusive relationship. (AMEN AMEN AMEN - please let go of this and continue to do God's will by working on the only person you can change who is yourself)
God can reach this man if God wants to reach him. You have done your part, so I would truly end this relationship. (I just pray for him a lot and a group of his not so good friends)
I know it is very hard to let go...believe you me I know...I am in it right now. It is almost like a tough love kind of situation. We have both signed divorce papers and are just waiting on the judge to sign them, but it has been over for quite some time. He is already going out 3-4 nights a week to the casinos or bars and talking about his exploits, it really is so sad - I am just going to continue forward with the strength and grace that God gave me, and that he also freely gives to you. I wish you the very best wishes in this matter.
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RE: Best way to help ex boyfriend - 5/4/2008 11:48:55 AM
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Kylie14
Posts: 90
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline
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Thank you all for the advice.I have thought a lot about what you have all said and I believe I need to step back and leave well enough alone.Maybe I am still looking for respect or something from this man.I believe you all right I will never get that or anything else from him.I guess I still care about him and just want to help him.You all have opened my eyes and I thank you for that.I have been and will continue to pray for him,but sylvan you are right if God wants to reach him then he will find away.I do believe after thinking about it it is best to cut my loses and let him go and move on.Thanks again !! So much wisdom here!!
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