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Confused, need help - 5/3/2008 10:31:21 PM
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ajelinek
Posts: 1
Joined: 5/3/2008
Status: offline
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Other than God, I am not sure where to turn. I love my wife, and son,but it seems like I would have a more positive impact on my sons life if I were a single (or remarried parent).Maybe I am the one wrong? I don't know. I am very frustrated . Heres why..
My wife and I are constantly arguing (sleep on the couch most of the time). My wife (it appears) tries to be more of a friend to my 9 year old son, than a parent. Here are a few instantaces:
-a few months ago, my son was having nite mares after watching Harry Potter. My wife told him it was ok to leave his light on until he fell asleep. About an hour after being in bed, she would go in and turn the light off. After about a week, I told her that it was enough. (my son is 9). She replied "you fall asleep in the living room with the light on,.. you didn't make your daughter (her step daughter) do chores when she lived at home (my wife followed up with her chores). He can have his light on. After two weeks, we turned the light off. (he was crying for a few nights, but he can sleep with the light off again.
-he signed up for little league about a month ago. Today was his first game. Before the game started, he cried because he was afraid of hitting the ball. We had him sit on the bench, but my wife's reply was that he doesn't have to play ball. (I didn't when I was young, and he doesn't enjoy group activities, so he can quit.).. I agrued about this, I was called names, told I didn't arguing with my 18 yr old daughter (who lives on her own) from dropping out of Tech school for the semester, etc.
-my son was tried two days last week. My wife kept him home from school because he didn't want to attend.
When ever we disagree, she goes to bed, doesn't discuss anything, and if I try to discuss, she calls me a name, tells me what I didn't do in the past with my daughter and then igores me.
Please pray for me and my family.... I don't think there is much hope with Jesus's healing.
Thanks
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RE: Confused, need help - 5/3/2008 11:05:54 PM
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imageoftheinvisible
Posts: 16
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline
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Ajelinek,
Parenting is one of the BIG Three that couples argue and fight about...Sex and Finances are the other two. First, I do not believe that it is healthy for your marriage that you sleep on the couch most nights. I'm not sure what that is about. I would recommend that you start going to bed with your wife. Sleeping separately only keeps the distance between you.
It sounds like you and your wife have differences in parenting. What's new? Most couples have disagreements when it comes to parenting. You and your wife should focus on "What's in your son's best interest" Many parents want to make a parenting decision based on what makes sense or what seems right to him/her without considering what is in the child's best interest, i.e. you felt keeping the light on was unnecessary, but it seems like your son was scared. Did it really hurt to let him keep the light on? Or, Why not compromise and allow him to have a night light.
Underneath all of this it seems like you have a fear that by your wife nuturing your son, he will grow up to be a feminine, wussy guy. I think you need to take a step back and try not to overreact. Keeping the light on for an hour does not seem like an unreasonable thing to me and certainly not something that you should sleep on the couch over in order to show you are protesting your wife for allowing it. I do not see your wife respecting you for pouting and sleeping on the couch. It's very hard and difficult to be the leader of your home, but being the leader does not mean being a dictator. Allow your wife to show you where you need to lighten up. And laugh at yourself some, that's ok too. It's not like us parents have everything figured out. Don't take yourself so seriously and I'm sure you, with the help of your wife and the opening of your eyes, will be able to get this back on track.
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RE: Confused, need help - 5/4/2008 8:43:52 AM
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DustyLady
Posts: 84
Joined: 5/3/2008
From: Ohio
Status: offline
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I think you need to be looking into WHY your son has these fears, rather than pushing those fears aside or punishing him for having them.
Sleeping with a light on is not unusual. I'm 49 years old, and sleep with a night light so I don't bump into things when I get up at night, and in so doing wake up my husband. Did you ask your son what it was about the movie that frightened him? Did you reassure him that you're very near and won't let any harm come to him? Sometimes kids need to hear those things.
As to the little league thing, did you ask him why he signed up and then was afraid to play? Did you discuss with him what it means to be part of a team? Or are you expecting him to play because that's what boys are supposed to do? Maybe you should tell him that it's okay to change your mind about doing something if you realize that you're not suited for it. Or perhaps you should help him figure out why he's afraid of hitting the ball. It may be something as simple as needing glasses so he can see the ball, and know that it won't hit him in the face.
I would also like to know why you sleep on the couch. My husband does it because I snore loudly, and because he enjoys watching television late into the night and ends up falling asleep in the middle of the program. Personally, I'm just as glad to be able to sprawl all over the bed as I move in my sleep. And we have a deeply loving and caring relationship.
In closing, I think you and your wife need to discuss these things, and come up with a plan for parenting that you both agree on. Talk, don't fight. I know that's easier said than done, but a little prayer does wonders.
Dusty
_____________________________
"The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion." -- G.K. Chesterton
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RE: Confused, need help - 5/4/2008 8:53:51 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2828
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
I would also like to know why you sleep on the couch.
I agree. If you're doing it because you're mad, your wife knows it and it is just a further act of separation on your part.
You can't change her behavior, but you can choose not to argue. Learn to communicate rather than fight.
And consider this--if you don't like how your wife parents now, what makes you think she'll do things even better when you're out of the house and she has your son half-the time. If you divorce, you will lose your influence on your son altogether for a good portion of his life, since you will not be there with him on her days in the custody arrangement.
_____________________________
"Children are durable and don’t necessarily wilt under adversity, just as our children don’t necessarily thrive under luxury and comfort." Garrison Keillor
Shameless Self Promotion
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