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Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 6:08:16 PM
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cmlsjp
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Joined: 4/15/2008
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I know there may be lots of questions, so I will do my best to get as much info up front as I can.
Going way back... In high school I dated the love of my life, we became best friends, we did everything together, and I trusted him with everything. I can say, the only reason I did not stay with him, is because he is LDS. I wanted to go to school, away from home, and do my thing. We broke up and he was devestated. a couple years past, and after I knew he was gone, I met my husband. I was not very attracted to my husband, but he had other qualities that I prayed for, an education, the same faith, values, good family etc. So it was just the next step in life. We have been married for 3 years, and I am miserable. I can not remember a time that I enjoyed making love to him. We have gone to seminar after seminar, (Love and Respect, 5 Love Languages, etc.) we pray together and do everything I have learned to do. I have prayed for 3 years for God to change me to be attracted to him and see in him what He sees. I choose to love him, I show him love, but I can't stand it when he touches me, and every day gets harder and harder. I don't connect with him in any way. He is starting to notice, as it gets harder to pretend. Last night, he asked why I have been so distant, and basically pushed it out of me that I am not attracted to him. He was hurt, but said he's willing to work on it. Also, I have never stopped thinking about my high school boyfriend, and I am still very much in love with him, and I'm sure I always will be. We have kept in touch here and there, and recently have talked about the fact that we are very much in love with each other. I told him things about me when we dated that I havent even told my dh and I am realizing, I felt comfortable with him, and I dont with my dh. My ex has also recently told me that he would go to church with me and believes we were meant to be together. Right now, my desire is to seperate and hope I will truley miss my dh and be able to enjoy what God intended for in marriage. It will take a miracle. I do regret getting married, and we have a 15 month old. I don't know what to do. Has anyone happily divorced for something like this?
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 6:28:09 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 620
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quote:
We have kept in touch here and there, and recently have talked about the fact that we are very much in love with each other. I told him things about me when we dated that I havent even told my dh and I am realizing, I felt comfortable with him, and I dont with my dh. My ex has also recently told me that he would go to church with me and believes we were meant to be together.
First of all, you need to stop this. Marriage isn't happy, happy all the time...but you've been to all the seminars so there's nothing I could really say you've not heard before. You will not find happiness by walking away from a marriage to persue the past. He's not the great love that you let get away, he's probably a huge mistake you narrowly missed (being LDS and being HS students in love) and he's definitely a distraction that's a cancer in your marriage.
You're not in HS anymore. You're a wife and mother. That's not going to be fun everyday. But you've not given anything close to a rational (much less moral or scriptural) reason to abandon your husband.
Erase the "D" word from your vocabulary and erase the boyfriend from your mind and live your life - make it what you want it to be if it's not but just get on with it. How many women would give up a limb to have what you have??!??!?
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 6:44:31 PM
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GraceAbounds
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Sounds to me like you are trusting 'feelings' which we know are not to be trusted. Feelings are cues to reality, but they are not reality. Change your thinking to a more biblical view. Trust in God's truth, instead of the way you are feeling which is ruining your marriage. Know that your marriage will never be 'happy' when your focus is not truly on your marriage.
I'll be happy when....
I'll be happy when....
I'll be happy when....
Learn to be happy now with what the Lord has blessed you with.
_____________________________
http://www.cryofthespirit.com/interview.html
http://www.air1.com/
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 6:46:40 PM
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scottmcc1
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cmlsjp,
I agree with csl7037 .
What about your 15 month kid? If you don't love your husband you don't love your kid. Are you going to rip up your child's home? How could you do such a thing?
Get that guy out of your mind now. Don't ever talk or communicate with him again.
_____________________________
(My Bible study web page)
http://www.freewebs.com/wftr/index.htm
(comments on nature)
http://www.verde33.blogspot.com
Thoughts on my Christan walk
http://www.verde34.blogspot.com
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 6:56:35 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 620
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quote:
We have been married for 3 years, and I am miserable.
I can not remember a time that I enjoyed making love to him.
...but I can't stand it when he touches me, and every day gets harder and harder.
I don't connect with him in any way.
He is starting to notice, as it gets harder to pretend.
...and basically pushed it out of me that I am not attracted to him. He was hurt, but said he's willing to work on it.
Also, I have never stopped thinking about my high school boyfriend,
I am still very much in love with him, and I'm sure I always will be.
We have kept in touch here and there, and recently have talked about the fact that we are very much in love with each other.
My ex has also recently told me that he would go to church with me and believes we were meant to be together.
Right now, my desire is to seperate...
I do regret getting married, and we have a 15 month old.
You say you chose to love your husban but none of these sound like statements from a loving wife - especially the contact with the old boyfriend. There's that whole "forsaking all others" thing. In all those seminars I know you heard that wives need to HONOR their husbands. Do you really think you've done that??
And you ask if anyone has "happily divorced" under such circumstances. Whatever the circumstances, and I'd say the vast majority of divorces are from much much worse circumstances than yours, no one "happily divorces" - divorce rips two people apart who were joined as one. It's not easy, it's not the answer.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 7:06:40 PM
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ChoirDJ
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I agree with all of the previous posts although they were fairly blunt. Sometimes that's necessary. You are praying for God's help on one hand but you are clearly involved in an emotional affair on the other one. Believe it or not, you need to play an active role in God answering your prayers but "forsaking all others" as you vowed to do when you got married. You need to make a conscious decision to get rid of anything in your life that is not conducive to strengthening your marriage starting with the old flame. God will not bless your decision to leave your husband under such circumstances and it would be so unfair for your child to do so unless absolutely necessary. As the previous posters stated, your feelings are far from valid enough reasons. It doesn't sound like you were emotionally ready to be in a committed relationship at the time you married your husband because you clearly had feelings for the high school flame. Nonetheless, you made the vows and you need to see them through to the very end if you want God's blessing.
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 8:07:48 PM
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lastblast
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
Nonetheless, you made the vows and you need to see them through to the very end if you want God's blessing.
Amen, great advice.
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 8:56:20 PM
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relady
Posts: 975
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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CMLSJP, may I ask....have you EVER been happy during your marriage? I ask because I was married in another life to a man whom I knew when I went down the aisle that I shouldn't marry - or at least I had grave doubts. But I was definitely "in love" at the time so I thought it would work. He turned out to be a very emotionally and verbally abusive man (not at all like your husband) and in the end, we divorced. I have never looked back and I have never regretted leaving him. NEVER. NOT ONCE. I am not encouraging you to leave your husband, you are the only one who can decide what's right for you, but it sounds like you have a great guy who really loves you.....have you tried actual counseling instead of just seminars? Seminars don't work for me. I would try that before I would even consider a separation.
I will say this though.....sometimes love can develop from a relationship where there is little to none in the beginning. Sometimes not. I feel for you, truly I do.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 9:19:10 PM
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jaimestarcross
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Emotionally affairs are just as destructive as physical ones.
You chose to marry the man you found suitable - now it's time to cease all contact with the former boyfriend whom you chose to break up with and you went on to do your own thing.
Praying is good but what about renewing your mind upon the Word of God when your thoughts stray to the old boyfriend? It takes work and effort on your part to submit your mind and body to your husband. You pray for strength - use that strength to get rid of the fantasizing about what could of been or could be if you could just divorce your husband and marry the former boyfriend. God strengthens us to stand up to temptation but when you put yourself right in the line of fire (so to speak) you are just asking for trouble!
It is of little wonder that you are turned off by your husband when you are thinking of the ex-bf, planning, keeping in contact with the ex boyfriend and sharing intimate personal things about yourself with him; you have systematically kept your affection from your husband by continually feeding the emotional attachment to the former boyfriend.
It is disrespectful to have such a relationship/attachment with another man - not to mention this kind of thing grieves our Lord. Remember your vows and honor them by recommitting yourself to your husband - body, mind and spirit. Your husband deserves all your affection and in the vows you promised to forsake all others and cleave to him. That starts with being completely faithful, sharing your intimate secrets with him, casting down those thoughts that are of the ex boyfriend.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/15/2008 10:02:57 PM
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TMeeks
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Toxic thinking ends in poisoned lives.
You think the problem is with your husband. But, it's not. It's about your letting thoughts control you rather than you controlling your thoughts.
One of the reasons that the seminars didn't make any impact on your thinking is that they assume that people truly desire to change. But, when a person holds on to high school fairy tale dreams they will trump reality every time. High school dreams are perfect. High school dreams are affirming and endearing. But, marriage can't always be perfect, affirming and endearing. There are bills to pay, babies to feed, differences to work out.
Reality will always lose to a dream... and, a dream can never fulfill its promise when we act on it and try to turn it into reality. The end is even more bitter than what we left to follow that dream.
Obviously, you can do whatever you want to do. But, my suggestion is that you get serious about taking your thoughts captive. You have an addiction... to the false promise of a fantasy world that can never be, for when you act on it it will fade. And, you need to see it as an addiction and THAT, I'm willing to wager is why you have never let yourself bond to your husband. And, that is why you and your old boyfriend have kept in touch... keeping alive the bonds that should have been broken.
All the sessions that you have attended have been good. But, I doubt that they came at this problem at a deep enough level... your gut level thought life and the stronghold of a bond that has yet to be broken. They worked on your current marriage... not the old bonds that hold you hostage.
These bonds are physical, molecular structures in your brain. And, perhaps, because they have never been torn down, they remain... confusing the brain's normal bond building. Another possibility is that you have a genuine problem in a area of the brain that is normally used to help us switch gears and let go of things when they should be dropped. I don't know exactly what it is; but, if you are interested in a book or DVD series that gets at this deeper level then just ask and I will provide a link.
In the meantime, I would like to suggest that you pray this simple prayer every day.
Lord, I long to be in the very center of your will for me. I know you love me. I know you love my husband. And, I know you love our child. Draw all of us toward you more and more each and every day.
< Message edited by TMeeks -- 4/15/2008 10:09:05 PM >
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/16/2008 10:10:03 AM
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cmlsjp
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Thank you all so much for your advice. A couple things that have stuck out to me, that I want to address... scottmcc1 says "What about your 15 month kid? If you don't love your husband you don't love your kid." This is wrong, both in that I never said I don't love my husband, I choose to love him, and I love my baby more than life, I am am not heartless and evil, though it may seem that way, I am human, and confused and I know that is not from God, and the reason I am seeking help.
CMLSJP, may I ask....have you EVER been happy during your marriage? I ask because I was married in another life to a man whom I knew when I went down the aisle that I shouldn't marry - or at least I had grave doubts. But I was definitely "in love" at the time so I thought it would work. He turned out to be a very emotionally and verbally abusive man (not at all like your husband) and in the end, we divorced. I have never looked back and I have never regretted leaving him. NEVER. NOT ONCE. I am not encouraging you to leave your husband, you are the only one who can decide what's right for you, but it sounds like you have a great guy who really loves you.....have you tried actual counseling instead of just seminars? Seminars don't work for me. I would try that before I would even consider a separation.
relady: I have not ever been happy in my marriage. My husband is a good man, though at times struggles with anger and control, he is aware and has been good to work on it. I am in the process of getting set up with a couselor.
I believe love is a not just a feeling, it's a choice, and I have chosen to love, and be happy with what God has blessed me with. I know that the problem is NOT with my husband, it is with me. I have also tried to renew my thinking, take those thoughts captive, etc. What I ask myself is, will I still be struggeling with this 3 years from now? I know I made choices, and need to live with them, and God will bless me for it. I just can't get out of my mind that I want to be happy, and wonder how that will take shape.
BTW, I did not have ANY contact with my ex boyfriend since being married until a month ago. Before that, I was just as miserable in my marriage. Doesnt make any of this right, but you all think I have just been hanging out having an affair all the time being married to my husband. Not true, for 3 years I have been working on my marriage, and myself. I will stop talkting to my ex, and still want to be away from my dh. It's very sad, and not from God, but it's also not a snap of the finger, and it goes away.
You all have been helpful, but for the most part, not kind =) I needed that harshness, but I also needed to know God still loves me, which I do, and will remind you all off that as well. Bless you.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/16/2008 11:42:38 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2102
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
Emotionally affairs are just as destructive as physical ones.
You chose to marry the man you found suitable - now it's time to cease all contact with the former boyfriend whom you chose to break up with and you went on to do your own thing.
i see your latest post in that contact is new but even so ... if you want to avoid an affair and avoid devasting your daughter and spouse, you need to institute no contact. any resistence you feel about doing this will affirm the emotional attachment you have with your ex and how it can be harmful. unfortunately, i truly understand your feelings and what you are going through. through your many seminars and studies, have you read his needs, her needs by dr harley and actually implemented the advice to regain feelings of romantic love to your spouse. is the best case that you become madly in love with your daughter's father?
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/16/2008 11:50:55 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 620
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cmlsjp
... I am am not heartless and evil, though it may seem that way, I am human, and confused and I know that is not from God, and the reason I am seeking help.
We do also realize you were laying it all on the table here and venting somewhat. Sometimes when people do they don't really check back or respond back - a lot of people just want validation or to be made to feel better and don't like honest feedback. Maybe that's part of why responses can be brutally honest sometimes. But I'm glad to see you didn't just vent and run but you're here, taking it in.
quote:
ORIGINAL: cmlsjp
I will stop talkting to my ex, and still want to be away from my dh. It's very sad, and not from God, but it's also not a snap of the finger, and it goes away.
It's also reassuring to know that you recognize the danger of the contact with the ex. I don't really think separations are helpful the vast majority of the time. See what the counsellor says (is it a Pastor or biblical setting?) but be careful with that.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/16/2008 1:28:29 PM
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janidhiro
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For every problem that divorce seemingly "solves" about a thousand more are created. This is why God hates divorce. It hurts you. I hope, for your sake, that you are very young because your thinking seems to indicate that. You ask if you will be in the same boat 3 years from now. Not one of us here knows the answer to that question. What is clear is that no one is in a better position to change things in this relationship than you are. From what you have posted, your husband seems like a reasonable man. Learn contentment. Work on tomorrow. And then work on the next day.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/16/2008 3:45:00 PM
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csl7037
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This thread reminds me of a story my aunt tells all the time. One of her high school friends married soon after high school and had a couple of kids. A few years down the road she was just not happy, they divorced. She married again and within a year they were in a car accident; she was banged up but OK, her new husband was basically a vegetable. I think she remarried if I remember right. But she and my aunt are in their early 50's and she looks back now and can't remember what exactly it was she was so unhappy or discontent with in her first marriage. Unless abuse or infedelity or something drastic makes a divorce downright imperative, I just think it's to be avoided. Nothing "good" comes of divorce. It can really only be justified if it's to end something really bad...seeking something better - "greener pastures" leaves so many people and lives empty in the end.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/17/2008 3:36:35 PM
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blue1914
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All I can do is tell a story-hope it helps.
I know someone who "felt" miserable for many years - over 30 to be exact. To ask her, she felt much like you describe-she told her husband that she didn't know if she loved him when she married him and much more.
Her case was a little more advanced than your own in that she felt that her husband was the cause of over 30 years of "misery" on her part. Now her husband was not perfect by any means-in fact, there is a LOT that he could have done differently than he did over those years. Yes, he cared for the basics-he kept a roof over their heads (hers and her kids) , he kept food in the house and he did what he felt he could but he was distant and aloof and not much help at ALL on the emotional side of things. He claimed a strong faith in God and lived it out to the best of his ability, but his understanding was little skewed and it permeated out to all aspects of his life.
Enter from stage left - her old boyfriend from high school no less. Wow, what a catch-the years had been kind to him financially and he had multiple millions of dollars to lavish upon her. He too regretted the fact that they never got married-his grief was so intense that he made up for it by marrying anything he could get his hands on, running through 4 marriages over the years and more than a few illegitmate children (please note the sarcasm), several of whom were born while he was married to someone other than their mothers. She was in love again! Oh, the stories he told her about how beautiful she was, how he wished it had been her all those years, how he wanted to turn back the hands of time. She listened eagerly because it was ALL that her horrible husband had never given her. I mean this guy LOVED her-he wanted to take her on expensive trips, he wanted to lavish money on her, he wanted to believe in her. Here was the HAPPINESS she had always wanted-all wrapped up in a multi-millionaire bow!
Funny thing about that there happiness, it can be pretty fleeting-sin has it's joy for a season (in this case, her sin of course was adultery) and after the "honeymoon" of good times with this "catch", she had to face reality. In running after this "prize", she had lost everything else in her life that she held dear in any way.
You see, her husband wasn't all that keen on her striking up an active dating life in his house-and he told her so (not as forcefully as some might, but he did express his displeasue). Because she didn't want to feel "judged", she decided to strike out on her own and leave his house. Of course this is when we would expect the multimilionaire knight in shining armour to swoop in with a golden checkbook to save the day-but it didn't happen that way. Instead, she was basically left to her own devices (though the husband, to his credit did much more than he had to, helping her get set up in an apartment away from him and helping her get transportation when she could not afford to do so, etc. etc.).
Now she continued to pursue the shining knight-and now he had his cake and was eating it too-over 2000 miles away, he saw this woman when he chose to-sending her tickets to his home when he felt ready to be bothered, etc. Each time, she came running-each time, throwing her family (her adult children, etc.) further and further in turmoil as they imagined where their mother was-but she was havin' fun! As they became more and more disilluioned by the way she was treating them and their father, they prayed for her but started to limit contact with her. Finally, she had lost it all-her home (she was in a tiny hole of an apartment) her shining knight (he was a little tarnished-imagine that) and even the one thing she counted as her life acheivement - her children.
In the end, she now is trying to mend as many fences as she can and start over again. To be honest, she is now having to confront the reality of the fact that her feelings cost her much more than she ever imagined they would.
As I'm sure you can tell by the tenor of the writing, I am one of those adult children. Watching this unfold has been nothing short of the most tragic thing I have ever experienced in my life.
The apple looks great today-give it a little time and pray that the Holy Spirit gives true perspective so that you can understand clearly what to do.
Yesterday, I was taught something that fits this situation so well-you see, if you look at the words Happiness and Holiness from a distance, they may look similar enough that you can't distinguish them (start with H, end with s, have a similar number of letters). It's only when you get close enough to see them CLEARLY that you can know what to do. Happiness seems like a good goal-but it's only through true Holiness that you get TRUE Happiness.
I hope this helps with perspective, if not, just chalk it up to another nut on the internet  !
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/18/2008 6:38:55 PM
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itsnotwhatuthink
Posts: 111
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Nope - don't divorce him. And start praying that God would sever the ties between yourself and this high school perfection specimen that would not be perfect if you were actually with him. Christianity is hard work.
Marriage is hard work. Real love is hard work. The grass is greener etc
and you probably don't like the above but it is the truth. Been there done that etc.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/19/2008 11:26:10 PM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
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I am currently facing the same situation with my wife. Only thing is, we have been married for over 30 years. She is having the same "feelings", that she is not sure if she is or has ever been in love with me. She moved out last month but is unable to make it on her own financially. She wants to get a legal separation but I am not for it. I would say you need to focus on your relationship with God. You are in a covenant with Him that He administers. God is not as concerned with how happy you are right now as to how obedient you are to Him. If you were to take the time and study God's word about His outlook on marriage and commitment, you would have a better outlook on what you have got in your marriage. You are correct in that love is a choice. That is not something my wife can understand and only by prayer and faith will she ever understand.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/20/2008 12:54:37 AM
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2Timothy3_16
Posts: 11
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God will not sever the ties with this person with whom you are having an inappropriate entanglement - YOU HAVE TO SEVER THE TIES through obedience to God. How can you expect to be turned on by your husband when your mind is on something Satan has cooked up for you? After hearing what some pastors have advised in situations like this, I'm afraid to say that you need to go talk to your pastor. There is a difference in looking for permission to sin and in looking for help to not sin. You need to decide which it is you're looking for.
I'm praying for you.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 4/20/2008 12:26:05 PM
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deermousie
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I agree with the posts here: you are flirting with poison. In an attempt to satisfy yourself you can destroy your husband (it would be easier on him to lose you to death than to adultery. But don't kill yourself, I'm not suggesting that; I'm just sayin') and I don't know how you could avoid hurting your child for life to leave her father and the secure center of her vunerable world.
You can fall in love with the man you married, and I salute you for the seminars. Good for you, you're really trying. Have you gotten any Christian counseling? Townsend and company might be a great choice for you. Every marriage brings problems, and this is an uncomfortable one, to be sure. Keep in the Bible, get some good counseling (if what you get doesn't help, look elsewhere. Not all counselors are the same). Talk to your pastor. And pray like crazy (I'm sure you already are).
We take vows at the wedding because sometimes it's the only visible thing holding the marriage together. Life is often hard. Keep hanging in there, and cry out to God for help. Feelings can come and go so easily; I am praying the feeling of love will come soon to you as you work hard to be a godly wife. Talk to your husband so he can pray and work on being good to you, too. May God bless you guys and make your life a trophy to God's grace. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 5/21/2008 11:08:16 PM
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Emaleth
Posts: 8
Joined: 5/18/2008
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I came across your most recent post in a new thread:
"I have posted here once before...
I have been married 3 years. My husband is a good man, but I am miserable for many reasons. We are both Christians, and very involved in ministry at our church. The problem is me, I am not attracted to my husband, and wasnt on our wedding day. I married him becuase he was well educated, close to his family, same values, and faith, etc.... We have been going to counseling, but it is not helping, and all I want is to seperate, but my counselor does not reccomend it. I have been praying and doing everything I have known to do, for a long time. I have been trained in marriage mentoring, and believe we have great marriage skills! BUT, I am finding myself taking more and more time getting home after work, and crying on the way, wishing I had somewhere else to go. I don't know what to do. My husband is very attracted to me, and tries to be intimate, and I have not wanted to be anywhere near him. We sleep in the same bed, only because, if I go anywhere, he consistantly gets angry, and finds ways to keep me awake, thinking I will go back to bed. If I have sex with him, I feel violated and, strangly enough, I feel like I am being raped. I feel like I have made up my mind, and I want a divrorce, and I hate it, and I know God hates it, I just don't know what else to do, I want to say I have tried everything, what am I missing?"
After reading the posts in this thread, I have to say that I agree with the majority of the others here. Divorce is not the road to happiness. I think all too often people seek happiness outside themselves, through other people or in material possessions ... in your case it seems to be "if only I had married the HS guy, then I would be happy." Happiness is not found in other people or in things ... happiness is found within, with obedience to our Heavenly Father. That is the ONLY true and real road to happiness, IMO.
If only you had not married your husband ... really think about that ... you would not have your child, the child you said you love more than life. Can you look at your child and truly regret that you married your husband? If you divorce, can you truly be happy? Even if you end up with HS guy, can you lie beside him each night feeling you have done the right thing, knowing your child went to bed without her daddy there to tuck her in and tell her he loves her? Is that happiness?
I'm sure at some point we have all suffered from "the grass is greener" concerning some situation in our lives. The advice offered here seems to come from those who have learned that the grass has just as many weeds no matter where you are or who you're with. But when you live in obedience to God's Word, the beautiful flowers begin to spring up and choke out the weeds.
God bless you and guide you.
_____________________________
Luke 6:37
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 5/21/2008 11:39:28 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 579
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
If I have sex with him, I feel violated and, strangly enough, I feel like I am being raped.
Have you ever been sexually abused, molested, attacked and/or raped? If so that changes everything. In that case it could be that intimacy with your husband is serving as a trigger to how you felt when being abused/raped. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. But the way you say you felt when being intimate made me wonder.
Or when some husband's are involved in pornography/lustful thoughts the wife will many times end up feeling used when she's intimate with her husband, even if she doesn't know about the porn.
I think it's very important to be honest with your husband about all of this. Hopefully he will react with Christlike love. And counseling can be very helpful.
When my husband and I first got remarried I was not at all physically attracted to him. During our first marriage and dating period I had been somewhat attracted to him but not as much as most other men I'd dated. I married him because I felt a special connection that I didn't feel with anyone else. I liked how much he loved me and how protective he was. So when we remarried after being divorced for about 7 yrs. I wasn't physically attracted to him at all. In fact, I was often repulsed by him. I despaired of ever having a special physical connection with him, something that I wanted badly. I also daydreamed of guys I'd dated. I couldn't understand the lack of attraction on my part. I didn't think it would ever get better.
BUT IT DID. I am now more attracted to him than ever before. Looking back, I see that it was his heart I wasn't attracted to. He was emotionally distant, an alcoholic, into porn, angry and at times physically abusive. That's why I wasn't attracted to him. But in the moment I couldn't see that. I believe that for us women, if we are emotionally fulfilled (not sure that's the right word but it's the best I can do in the moment  ) in our relationships then the physical attraction will naturally follow. (Unless we've been sexually abused.)
Let me tell you that the daydreaming and having contact with an old flame is a BAD idea. It will only lead to your own unhappiness. It could lead to your daughter growing up in a broken home. Her legacy will be that of deceit and brokeness (sp?). I know that's not what you want for her.
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 5/22/2008 6:15:51 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2828
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I agree with the other posts, especially this one particular comment:
quote:
Toxic thinking ends in poisoned lives.
You think the problem is with your husband. But, it's not. It's about your letting thoughts control you rather than you controlling your thoughts.
Stop thinking about that former boyfriend. Stop contact. Stop imagining the grass is greener. Stop fantasizing about what does not belong to you. (And if you need help with that, consider the chaos and confusion you will put your daughter through, that she will have a fractured relationship with her father, that she will be visiting him for the rest of her life instead of living with her daddy, and whether you really, truly want her raised as LDS)
Stop, stop, stop imagining your husband's physical love as rape and violation. 
Get rid of that old tape and start playing a new one--make a long mental list of all the good things about your husband, and play that loop over and over again. Think about the fact that this good man loves you, is attracted to you, wants to love you, wants to be with you. Think about your child and her daddy. Think about the *privilaged* life you have, married to a good, faithful man, raising a child with him. Think about God's goodness and the abundance and blessings he's given you.
If you are "choosing love" you cannot simultaneously be choosing misery, because that won't work. Obviously doesn't work--your husband knows, and you have hurt him by deciding to be unhappy with him. Read the "love chapter" (1 Cor. 13) in your Bible again and see if it says "Love complains...love wishes for something better than it has...love tells others they're not good enough...love is not satisfied...love is distant...love pines for what is wrong..." 
You are also hurting yourself, and if you do not choose, right now, at this point in your life to be a happy, content person, divorce will not make you happy.
How is it that Christian martyrs can suffer torture and death smiling and singing praise to God while we who live such comfortable lives are so prone to sit around studying our bellybuttons and bemoaning our "awful" fate of having to live with a good (though imperfect) man? I am not picking on you. It's a temptation I myself have. But in the last few years I am realizing that being happy is also a choice. If a persecuted Christian can be joyful, and yet someone who has everything they ever wanted (say, a lottery winner) can be a miserable wretch, then there is a huge element of choice in what attitude we live our lives.
I believe that you have tried to choose love and that you want to do the right thing.  As harsh as some of our posts may seem to you, understand that many of us have been where you are, and that many others have been in your husband's position. Study what love really means and then throw yourself wholeheartedly into loving your husband, without saying "I'm choosing to love you, but it sure is hard!". Love him so that he never again knows that you are "choosing". 
_____________________________
"Children are durable and don’t necessarily wilt under adversity, just as our children don’t necessarily thrive under luxury and comfort." Garrison Keillor
Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: Contemplating Divorce... HELP - 5/22/2008 12:16:21 PM
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BibleBased
Posts: 67
Joined: 4/29/2008
Status: offline
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I watched my parents divorce, my dad's a lay preacher. Over 20 years later they both live alone, but attend different churches - live miles apart. They hated eachother at the end and for quite a few years before seperating. Us 4 children grew up with their hate for eachother and the alcohol abuse.
What puzzles me, 10 years after coming to faith, is how can a Christian hate? Especially their wife/ husband? I don't hate anyone on this earth. I have strong feelings about certain people's sin, towards me, and generally - but of course i sin all day/ every day, it's my nature.
I am totally against divorce - because it is my understanding that Jesus/ the bible teaches us such. But perhaps people, all of us in marriages (mine to a non christian), should remember that we are called to love everyone - even our enemies and pray for them. If we are striving to live Christian lives, do God's work daily, - marriage is just one part of this.
Are you reading the bible daily? Do you know what it teaches? I ask this in love. Stop having contact with this other man - being a man myself, my 'nature' tells me he is sweet talking you, to get you into bed. Bottom line. If he held any type of religion/ faith he'd have no contact with you.
And yes i have been where you are. I was seperated from my wife for 3 years. Not one date for her or me. She a non believer lived the correct way while seperated. God brought us back together.
You need to draw a line here. Say i want, no NEED, to know God's will in my life and do it. I am not familiar with the courses you mention, niether do i have knowledge obviously of t | | |
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