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Daughter and stepfather - 9/2/2008 10:38:44 PM
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saninbham
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline
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My daughter, who is 15 "dated" a guy at her school who was 18 and we didn't know about it. He was a very nice Christian boy who treated her with respect. My husband, her stepfather, hit the roof when he found out and forbade them not to "date". Now when I say date this only means that they talked on the phone, not going out or anything. They started talking as friends and she started "dating" other guys. These guys were always asking her for sex because I would read the text they sent her. However, my husband had no problem with these relationships because they were closer to her age. Also, my daughter was a cutter until she started talking to this guy. Since then, along with counseling she has stopped. My husband found out they were talking and forbade it completely, threatening to place a restraining order on the boy. She has threatened to kill herself (the suicide thoughts also stopped when she was talking with this young man because he really stressed God's love to her). I am so confused about what to do. I can't condone the relationship because my husband forbids it, but it was such a positive relationship in her life. I don't want to go back to the hell I was in with the cutting and thoughts of suicide. My husband thinks that cutting is not serious and feels that we can't be held "hostage" by a childs threats of suicide. Oh, by the way, he is a Police Officer. We have no other parenting problems (we have 2 other kids) with neither my oldest child or any of the other kids but this problem is so over the top. Any suggestions??
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RE: Daughter and stepfather - 9/3/2008 2:48:20 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4478
Joined: 4/12/2005
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My suggestion is that you and your husband visit with a family counselor.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: Daughter and stepfather - 9/3/2008 9:23:20 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
Joined: 4/29/2005
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I don't think this is a parenting problem.
The problem is between you and your husband.
When a husband and wife disagree about parenting, they should consider each other's point of view, come up with a plan that they both agree to try (even if they don't in fact agree with the idea), then they implement and evaluate the plan together, adapting as necessary, or changing to another plan at some point.
Instead, both you and your husband seem to think that he gets to make the rules without consulting you or securing your agreement. In reaction against that, you have taken your daughter's side completely and very nearly sainted a fairly average Christian boy. This is accentuated by the fact that your daughter is not his biological child (how old was she when you-two married?) and the fact that she is emotionally troubled.
Your husband has some valid concerns, and you have an important point of view with significant insights to offer. Imagine how smart you two would be if you worked as a team, rather than a 'ruler' and an 'official opposition'.
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RE: Daughter and stepfather - 9/3/2008 9:55:43 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16424
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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ANY time a child has a history of cutting and is threatening suicide, it needs to be taken seriously. I would have my daughter in counseling ASAP, even if my husband didn't agree. While I think united parenting is best, the life of a child comes first. If you truly think she is a danger to herself, she needs intervention immediately.
I also agree with what pbaribeault said. The main issue isn't a parenting one. Anytime one spouse isn't taking the concern of the other seriously, and there is no real working together on plans of action, even if the topic is parenting, it's really a marriage issue.
_____________________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf~
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