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Dear friend with sad circumstances - 6/18/2008 2:01:11 PM
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Stronger2day
Posts: 106
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
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Hi All,
So I need some advice on how to continue being loving yet discerning with a dear friend. I tell you the following details so that you can fully understand the severity of this situation.
In short, this friend comes from multiple generations of mental disorder, drug abuse, physical/sexual abuse and crime. She had few (if any) Godly role models in her life. She grew up stealing for mom/dad, being exposed to mom’s Internet porn/prostitution business, and the list goes on. She herself has been recently dx with the following: bi-polar with severe depression, post-traumatic stress syndrome and borderline personality disorder.
As far as I know for being a Believer, she invited Christ into her heart last year, tries to read the Bible nightly and prays daily. Her difficulty comes in living the life of a Christian. This DF still steals for the rush, watches demonic moves (fascination with ghosts/gargoyles/dead), sneaks into free movies, etc, etc.etc. She claims she can’t ‘feel’ God. I have asked her to consider that sin may be clogging up the communication lines (as well as her disorders).
I have tried to show her unconditional love, yet point out when actions against God are taken and try to show her verses to back it up. It is always like walking on eggshells not knowing what mood she’ll be in (manic shopping or depressive isolation). I don’t want to be her shadow telling her when she’s doing wrong- but sometimes she doesn’t seem to realize that something is against God. Her feelings are her moral compass. I do try to point out and praise her good choices.
She is seeking counseling and so is her child who in his first 5 years was exposed to 'heck' during her addictions. She refuses to take meds. I think I am looking for support and advice- this literally drains me at times (I have to take a breather for a couple of days and re-group). Am I overstepping? Knowing there are no/few Believers helping right now- do I continue as I have or change somehow? I love her so much and want the best for her life, I just get tired. Thanks in advance for your help.
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RE: Dear friend with sad circumstances - 6/18/2008 2:11:38 PM
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daisies4u
Posts: 160
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline
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Your friend is so blessed to have you in her life. Even if she doesn't realize it. Can the two of start a bible study ? Maybe you could study together how to be Christ-like.
Hers is a diffucult lifestyle to overcome. Mainly due to the fact that she was brought up in. She doesn't know any different. You can be the "light" for her. Don't cut off contact. Even if you have to eventually take a step away from her, leave that door open. You never know what kind of influence you have in someone's life. She needs you. Don't give up on her.
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RE: Dear friend with sad circumstances - 6/18/2008 2:12:55 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 464
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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Unfortunately, the mental illness/mood disorder she is dealing with does not lend itself to reason and your friend has to want the help before she will be ready to receive it. I was married to a person with bipolar for several years and it really is like being married to someone who was a drug addict. There are moments of sanity and hope but then comes the cycle of self-destructive thinking and behavior that puts a strain on the best of relationships. You are so right in that the feelings (and very distorted one at that) become the basis for decisions so reasoning with her will prove to be a frustrating and losing endeavor each time.
All I can do is advise you to not get sucked into the trap of "mothering" her because it may be that hitting rock bottom is the only way she will become desperate enough to seek and receive help from a professional. You chould call Child Protective Services if she ever does anything to endagner the child.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Dear friend with sad circumstances - 6/18/2008 2:26:36 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3038
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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As a Biblical Counselor for Women, I have to say, at worst, your friend is not showing any of the fruit of a true Christian. At best she is straddling the fence...one leg on the world side and one leg on God's side, and God will not put up with that for very long. She is also making very poor choices for her life, but, she and only she can "choose this day who she will serve."
While I understand that she has mental illness, if she is choosing not to take her meds, you are likely to see most of these behaviors continue.
While you can support her in her right decisions, you have to be sure that you, in your love for her, are not enabling her to continue her bad behaviors. You cannot walk her walk for her...you cannot drag her to the Lord. It is up to her. You can lead and guide her...but you can't make her want God more than she wants sin...only He can change her heart and only she can respond to that.
I am currently in a counseling situation with someone with some very severe past issues. Someone who has made some very wrong decisions for her life, however, she recently accepted the Lord and I have to pray for wisdom constantly in my dealings with her...that I would be "wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove." She was doing well, but has recently had someone from her past trying to pull her back into her old life and I have had to let out the leash a bit to see what she will do. The ball is in her court. I can only pray that she passes this test.
I pray for wisdom for you and encourage you to pray, pray, pray in your dealings with this woman... That everything you do would be of the Lord and not be done out of guilt or because you feel sorry for her. Sometimes, with certain people, the best love we can give is tough love.
I pray God's best for you in this and I pray your friend would start making the right choices.
Blessings!
< Message edited by Kat_D -- 6/18/2008 2:33:33 PM >
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Dear friend with sad circumstances - 6/18/2008 2:44:27 PM
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Stronger2day
Posts: 106
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
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I feel that she is trying. She is changing counselors because the other one (whom she really likes) hasn't seemed to help her conquer these issues 'quick' enough. She is seeking intensive group therapy (on her own!). As for the meds, she tried them and they gave her really bad headaches and didn't want to try anymore. Another problem is that a women in the complex who says she's a Christian (I don't know her well), says she beat mental illness withour counselors and meds but with God alone. So she has taken that to heart. While I believe God can do anything- I also believe that we are given commen sense to see doctors/take meds (only when necessary). She has turned from all drugs and alcohol (2years now, yeah!) and wants NO drugs in the house- even over the counter. She gives God all of the glory for beating her addiction.
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RE: Dear friend with sad circumstances - 6/18/2008 2:50:58 PM
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Stronger2day
Posts: 106
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
All I can do is advise you to not get sucked into the trap of "mothering" her because it may be that hitting rock bottom is the only way she will become desperate enough to seek and receive help from a professional.
I have noticed that I slip into this sometimes. She is almost a 13 year old mentally because that's when she began using. Her drug years are a blur. She calls me to help her read over difficult documents, help her attend meetings with her child's educators, and basically help her through things she has difficulty with (like budgeting- the compulsive spending we are working on). It's not all of the time, and I don't mind because she is trying- she is learning how to cope with some of these things for the first time in her life. While I won't do everything for her- if she is willing to learn- I am there.
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