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Depression in Marriage - 4/29/2008 2:58:11 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 276
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I've spoken to a lot of people struggling with depression and how it affects their marriage in intimacy, anger, sleeping, helping, etc.
Does anyone have experience in being married to someone who is depressed (or being depressed in marriage)?
Any helpful tips or stories of encouragement to those going through this?
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 4/29/2008 3:11:14 PM
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MrsOliver
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Yes, my husband and myself have been through the fire of depression!!! all I can say is, PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY!!! IT is a spirit, in our case, that was a stronghold on us. We finally broke through it. It was devastating for several yrs. BUT GOD!! two words that will carry you through! BUT GOD!! My husband and I were healed from depression, which I was medicated for, for the better part of 10 yrs. Depression takes hold of you and it feels like you can't break free....you may know this, BUT GOD! Pray for healing and PRAISE GOD for healing!
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 4/29/2008 6:53:14 PM
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blessednw
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsOliver
Yes, my husband and myself have been through the fire of depression!!! all I can say is, PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY!!! IT is a spirit, in our case, that was a stronghold on us. We finally broke through it. It was devastating for several yrs. BUT GOD!! two words that will carry you through! BUT GOD!! My husband and I were healed from depression, which I was medicated for, for the better part of 10 yrs. Depression takes hold of you and it feels like you can't break free....you may know this, BUT GOD! Pray for healing and PRAISE GOD for healing!
Amen to this!
Depression can truly become a spiritual oppression. And usually there are physical things contributing. you may have a situation where a spouse is depressed but has a stigma to admitting it, so doesn't acknowledge or deal.
From my experience: Women often show depression through deep sadness and withdrawal
and men show it more through anger and control. Inward and outward. That being said, each one is uniquely made so can defy stereotypes.
Bless you as you seek victory in your trial.
_____________________________
This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.....
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/1/2008 12:49:02 PM
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snoops
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Accept that the other person feels what they feel.
Encourage them, but don't push them, to get the help that they need - if it's serious. (Unless a person wants help, they usually won't seek it, but you can still be supportive and love them for who they are)
Prayer is always good, but not the *magic* solution to everyone who suffers it. Not all depression is lifted by prayer alone.
My husband and I both struggle with depression. Mine has subsided through lots of therapy and medication. Had a lot of problems to work through and I'm still working through some of those.
You've also got to remember that some depression is natural - like when you are grieving the loss of something or someone. It's just when it becomes excessive that there's a problem.
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/4/2008 12:25:38 AM
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ladyingrace1979
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From: Fresno CA
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At various times both my husband and I have suffered from depression. His is triggered by his MS and as one poster said was charactorized by anger. Because his is medical in nature he does very well with antidepression medication. For me, mine is milder and I don't take medication. Mine comes out as sadness and withdrawl. I learned not to see my issues just as spiritual or just emotional or physical. We can not separate the parts of our lives into nice little compartments always.
So for us, first is accepting eachother with all the issues, loving eachother especially when we are struggling and hard to love. When we feel truly loved and accepted then we feel safe enough to express those feelings in much healthier ways. We each use different ways of coping. For my husband he takes his feelings out on his guitars or drums. I need to talk a lot. I also have learned some things that are not good for me. Isolation, I tend to just want to be left alone and that is totally the wrong thing, so dh will do stuff like pack a lunch and take me out for a picnic. If I start to sleep a lot he will talk to me about what's going on. Lot's of afferming words and compliments. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we work together to help eachother.
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/4/2008 6:17:12 AM
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maddog4god
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This is a tough situation - truly.
My spouse has been depressed for the last six years or more. In his case, I think it has a lot to do with his life choices and what not. I really truly hvae nothing left to give him actually - since he has acted out, fed his addictions, spent all of our money on himself repeatedly, etc.
I realize this does not sound posiitive, however the upside to my experience is this. He is resonsible for seeking treatment and doing something appropriate to fix his feelings. It is not my responsibility to "make him happy".
I have been putting the burden of responsibility bck on him for some time. We went to family counseling where I was chastized for not supporting him taking meds. When we returned home I pointed out to him that as we were in that session he neglected to mention that he lied to me, abused me, led a secret life and what not as well and made it sound as though I am just mean and not supportive.
:(
You have to focus on who you are in christ and God. Anything else will fail.
_____________________________
Fifty Two Weeks to change the world!
http://www.50-two-weeks.com/
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/4/2008 5:11:47 PM
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evryknee
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Thanks for sharing maddog. There is a lot of self-focus in depression - whether it is guilt, purposelessness, shame, low-self-image, etc.
I sometimes struggle with depression, too. I notice that when I'm feeling down (not clinical depression) - I take rejection by my wife very hard, am feeling like a failure, and simply do not care about others.
I thank God that he supplies answers to these things - That I have been created by Him, chosen by Him, to be a child of His. When I get into those cycles and after confessing any sin, concentrating on these things helps an awful lot.
Kudos to all above who shared their stories. Has anyone read the books on depression "Depression: A Stubborn Darkness" by Ed Welch or "Overcoming the Blues" by Leslie Vernick? These are great books that help us understand depression and combat it.
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/6/2008 3:15:27 PM
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GenXer
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From: Broomfield, Colorado
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My husband is prone to depression and the last major depression that he had almost ruined our marriage. He was suicidal and coming home every night and crying, and not talking to me. It was really, really awful. This was about five to six years ago.
To make a long story short, what ended up happening was that I had tried many different things to try and help--trying to talk with him, trying to be empathetic, asking him to see the doctor, everything you can think of. Nothing worked. I even had to tell him that I was considering ending the marriage.
What I finally did was this: I started contacting psychiatrists on my own. I called them, spoke to them, and ultimately made an appointment with one for him and told him he had to go and if he didn't I would put him in the car and drive him there. He wasn't capable of doing any of this on his own. I could have asked him a million times and it wouldn't have happened. He started going regularly and was put on medication. We basically had to rebuild our marriage from scratch but we are in a MUCH better place now.
In a nutshell you have to be loving but firm. People with depression don't have ANY enthusiasm to do what they need to get help; it's part of the disease.
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/6/2008 8:10:35 PM
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UBarW
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I am feeling it now...
wont go into the details here, it feels whiney to do so. I am questioning my purpose though. I pray and ask "what am I here for?"
I cant think of anything to look forward to but going to see my Daddy...
I will be ok, though, sometime.
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/6/2008 8:32:11 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 276
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Good for you GenXer!!
UBarW- I am sorry to hear about your suffering. That's what depression is, a form of suffering. Purposeless, meaning, esteem, are all a part of it. I have found hope through a deeper understanding of Him, His love, & His purposes - though I have to work hard at believing them. Feel free to pm me and we can chat about the struggle. I won't think you're being whiny 
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/6/2008 9:02:51 PM
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UBarW
Posts: 40
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I am trying...
Prayer, study, sleep.
I have my up days, and some days I dont feel so well. I had a thread below called Mr. Sadman here...
I love my wife with all my heart. She says she loves me, but she is just not able to show affection. Its been this way for years. In 04 we nearly divorced, she promised it would be different if I stayed, but it really hasnt been. I am tired of begging, and realize that I cannot do this myself. I pray for the wall around her heart to come at least part way down.
I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even though its me taking the steps, I know its Him thats guiding me. I just need to trust...
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/16/2008 7:56:47 AM
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AussieMum
Posts: 75
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: East Coast, Australia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GenXer
My husband is prone to depression and the last major depression that he had almost ruined our marriage. He was suicidal and coming home every night and crying, and not talking to me. It was really, really awful. This was about five to six years ago.
To make a long story short, what ended up happening was that I had tried many different things to try and help--trying to talk with him, trying to be empathetic, asking him to see the doctor, everything you can think of. Nothing worked. I even had to tell him that I was considering ending the marriage.
What I finally did was this: I started contacting psychiatrists on my own. I called them, spoke to them, and ultimately made an appointment with one for him and told him he had to go and if he didn't I would put him in the car and drive him there. He wasn't capable of doing any of this on his own. I could have asked him a million times and it wouldn't have happened. He started going regularly and was put on medication. We basically had to rebuild our marriage from scratch but we are in a MUCH better place now.
In a nutshell you have to be loving but firm. People with depression don't have ANY enthusiasm to do what they need to get help; it's part of the disease.
Good on you GenXer, I am sure your husband's inability to do anything for himself was part of his problem. Unfortunately I have too often heard it said that the person who is suffering has to make the move to get help otherwise the help will not be any good to them. My argument has been that if we have a loved one who is suffering a heart attack would we wait for them to get themselves to a hospital? I know that a lot of the time a person suffering depression does not feel that 'help' will be there for them or if it is, it won't work. I think having a partner who cares enough to actually do something to get them help would give the sufferer great encouragement to work on a solution or treatment plan.
I wish you all the best in your marriage and for your husband's full recovery. With you supporting him in the way you have already, I am sure all will be well.
_____________________________
Julie in Australia
Prov 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight"
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/16/2008 1:01:41 PM
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Itooamcalled
Posts: 16
Joined: 5/11/2008
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I know all too well what it is like to have a spouse live in depression. My husband lived that way for years but "I" was too busy complaining about what I thought and what he wasn't doing to make me happy that I didn't see it. My mom finally said to me one day, "Do you think he is depressed?" I was shocked by these words but started asking God for direction.......Yes, he was but was hiding it by trying to fix it himself.
We finally worked through that and for years everything was great..............
Then about two years ago.........(we are pastor's by the way)..........there was some very stressful things happening and I thought we were dealing with them just fine but now I know different.
One year ago my husband stood in front of a group of people at a couples retreat we were hosting and had a totally break down.................After talking to and seeing doctors, counselors and the leadership of our church, I know understand that depression is a physical problem. It is when the chemicals in your brain become unbalanced. Meds. can and will help................AND..............As JESUS IS THE best doctor we have, yes pray, pray, pray. But with that said...........it will be the longest and loneliest journey you will ever walk. It will teach you what you are made of and take you to the deepest place you have ever been with Jesus if you let it.
Don't give up........Press in...............But..........you must take care of yourself. If you don't you will never be able to help your spouse or anyone else in any situation because you will have nothing to give.
I will be praying for you and feel free to write me anytime you need that extra bit of prayer that others don't understand. I know what it's like to feel as if you are alone in this and no one else cares what you are going through.............YES, Jesus cares and we know that....but sometimes we just need to be able to talk to someone that has walked the path we are walking.
God Bless you and my prayers are with you.
PS I am headed out of town for 2 weeks and will be in a place that does not have Internet reception. So if you don't see me on here that is why...........I haven't forgotten you.................
_____________________________
Itooamcalled
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RE: Depression in Marriage - 5/16/2008 1:53:39 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 276
Joined: 3/9/2008
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quote:
After talking to and seeing doctors, counselors and the leadership of our church, I know understand that depression is a physical problem.
I'm going to disagree with that - to some extent. I think there are a lot of physical components (which is why medication can be very helpful), but we "do" depression too. There is very much a spiritual, mental component, as well. There are choices involved in staying depressed, thinking different thoughts, choosing not to sleep, choosing to love others, etc. So, at times, meds can help us up to a point, but if the thinking does not change, then you will be on meds for the rest of your life (if you're depressed). But since we're body, spirit, mind - it is all connected. "Physical training has some value, but godliness has value in all things."
But as you said, prayer & faith do play a huge role. It's great to see how the Lord has worked through your lives and brought you through these things. Take a look at Depression: A Banquet in the Grave by Ed Welch.
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