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Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 11:22:49 AM
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idahospudboy
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Joined: 9/17/2008
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I am recently divorced and now have my 3 children every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. They are 17, 15, and 13 (boy, boy, girl). Understandably they are not excited about sleeping in two locations as they would not have access to all their "stuff" when at my house. They have computers, *thousands* of Legos, books, etc. I think they may warm up to the idea but it might take a little time.
My quandary is how hard to push. Do I require them to spend the entire time with me including overnight or do I ease into it and not force it? I am not required to take them the entire time and my ex-wife is ok with me not using the entire weekend. I do want to see them as much as possible so I'm not looking to get out of any time.
My divorce was very ugly. I had the full support of my elder board but my wife turned very ugly and tried to turn the kids against me. My brother, who is a pastor, believes I should require my kids to stay with me. He sees it as my Biblical responsibility and doesn't believe I should be sensitive to their feelings. Other people have told me it may cause long-term resentment if I push too hard.
I do love my children and want to be with them but I don't want to make a tough situation even tougher.
Anyone been there and have any advice?
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 11:57:40 AM
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csl7037
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This is hard but your kids are teenagers and, even living with them full time, you could really start counting the days until you wont have them with you anymore! You need to make the most of the time you have and the years you have left. If sleeping in two different places is stressful for them, why not just get them during the day, all day, and take them to their home at night? Maybe do something fun Friday night - like movie night late into the night at your place. Then do something Saturday and take them home; pick them up Sunday morning for church. This has to be a tough adjustment. I'd suggest spending as much time as you can with them but letting them sleep in their own beds most of the time.
(BTW, aren't they kinda old for Legos? I'd say buy a Wii!)
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 12:15:38 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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You are NEVER too old for Legos! Bite your tongue! I'll bet my brother still plays with them and he's getting his PhD.
Well, I don't see what computers and toys have to do with where they sleep. After all, you don't play in your sleep, do you? It sounds like an excuse to me.
What kind of setup do you have at your place? I mean, bedrooms and such.
I would encourage you not to give up. If you do, your relationship will suffer and later on they will be angry at you for not caring. Dumb, but true.
I would also encourage you NOT to try and buy their affection with the Wii or anything else. One main problem in this type of situation is that kids think Dad's house is a playground or resort hotel, and Mom's house is a prison. Do spend time doing things together, of course, but don't fall into the Disney Dad trap. And don't put things in your home that will keep you guys from interacting while they are there.
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Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 1:42:11 PM
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idahospudboy
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I agree on not making my home a playground. My kids aren't that interested in Wii which I think is great. I'd rather they read or exercise and not get addicted to games. Games can be ok if used in moderation and not mature in theme but they can also be addictive and become a big waste of time.
Church is a touchy issue as my wife takes them to a different church than I go to. It is a Christian church despite her own lack of faith. My daughter has friends there and is pretty plugged in. My sons not so much. My oldest though has been very influenced by my wife to believe my church must not be Christian if they let me get a divorce.
I just don't want to get into a situation where I'm running them back and forth all weekend long between my place and my ex-wife's.
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 1:59:54 PM
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hotsaucygma
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It's kind of a tough line to walk spudboy. As teenagers they will want to be doing a lot of things with friends and going to school activities, dances and ballgames etc. Those types of things I think you should try to be very flexible on- they would be happening even if you all lived in the same household. I do think you should try very hard to have them with you during the times you have been "given" "visitation". Especially at first. Teenagers often don't really like a lot of change, some will balk at it and not do things if they can get by with it. Once they get in the routine though, they may not mind as much as they think they will. If they have a really good reason to want to stay at their other home on a weekend that is "yours", I would be flexible and let them do so. If it is just all the time because it's easier for them, I wouldn't agree. Having a good relationship with both parents is so important to kids. Relationships take time. If you aren't spending time together, the relationship will probably suffer.
Is your schedule only for every other weekend? Do you have any time during the week that they should be with you?
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 2:01:04 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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You shouldn't have to. Visitation issues are never pretty, but you all need to find a solution you can agree on. And letting them have the attitude that you are there to make them happy is not going to help.
Did you see my question about how your house is set up?
Oh, and if they are involved in sports or anything, do be sure to make a point of being there to watch.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 2:09:47 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: idahospudboy
I agree on not making my home a playground. My kids aren't that interested in Wii which I think is great. I'd rather they read or exercise and not get addicted to games. Games can be ok if used in moderation and not mature in theme but they can also be addictive and become a big waste of time.
Without being a playground it should be kid/teen friendly. Expecting teenagers to read and play legos all weekend is probably not going to happen.
quote:
ORIGINAL: idahospudboyI just don't want to get into a situation where I'm running them back and forth all weekend long between my place and my ex-wife's.
This situation might be a little inconvenient. Life's hard enough being a teenager. You can't expect these guys to just take it and adapt easily. Kids being resilient is a fairy tale.
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 2:14:06 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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On the other hand, it is very easy to fall into the trap of trying to please the kids at every turn, which will cause them to take advantage of him and NOT see him as their father.
The more I think about this, the more I think a good family counselor might help get this sorted out. There are just so many boundary issues and stuff that I think it would really do you all good.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 2:49:05 PM
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idahospudboy
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I also get my children every other Wednesday night.
I currently live in a 2 bedroom "patio home" of roughly 1700 sq feet. It is fairly new and nice but not the 5 bedroom house they are currently living in. Since I have a 13 year old daughter and then a 15 and 17 year old son, I need to provide her with her own bedroom. So my thought there was to set her up in the second bedroom. There is a bathroom right next to it which has a shower. For the boys, and I've discussed this with them, I have a living room that is rather isolated from the rest of the house and could be turned into a bedroom for them although it would not be as private as a bedroom with a door. I could do something like get a bunk bed or get two futon sofa/beds that could be beds at night and couches by day. It would only be 4 nights a month normally so I think those arrangements would work. I can provide computers for them to use, I have a TV, etc.
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/17/2008 3:01:54 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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Yeah, not having it set up for them yet is probably part of their resistance to staying with you. Please make sure they feel they belong in your home.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/18/2008 12:22:12 AM
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MrsTracy72
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Well, I can speak from the mom's perspective. I have my son all of the time and he visits his dad every other weekend and once a week for a few hours a night. We went through an ugly divorce and an even uglier custody issue a few years later. It was not fun. But we have been divorced ever since he was 1.
I can say that my ex does seem to try to buy his affection and show off the things they have or can do. Now I am not trying to put him down, but that just seems to be how he handles things. My son sees that and did go through a period of time where he didn't want to go by his dad's house. But the main reason he doesn't want to be there according to him is his step mother.
My ex does do some pretty cool things with him though and that is great. The material things used to draw my son to him, but now that he is getting older and seeing life in a different light, it is the cool things that they do together that draws my son to his dad. They are going charter fishing next week and one time my ex even set up the kitchen with cameras and stuff like that and let my son record his own cooking show. He thought that was the coolest. Now he knows that it isn't about the stuff that he has and I think a big part of that is because we do stress the time spent together and the value of family.
We do have to tell him that sometimes though because he can at time get caught up in the "stuff" like he has a WII over at his dad's house so we need one here, or he has this playstation game at his dad's house so we need one here. You get what I mean.
Your kids are not totally going to want to be with you all of the time, but I do think it is important that they spend time with you so that they don't get out of touch. The more time they spend with you, the less they will see what kind of damage their mother is trying to do to your relationship. That is how it seems to be working on our end. My son does see that there is an element of hatred that oozes out of one of the people at his dad's house and just writes it off and even jokes about it now.
Good luck and I will pray for you.
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/18/2008 6:58:48 PM
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Mrs.X
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From: Newberg, OR
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Maybe see if they wanna invite their friends over? I know that was always nice about going to my dad's on the weekend. He always let me bring friends to spend the night or just visit for a few hours. Sometimes he let me go out with my friends for a couple hours after dinner too.
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-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Divorce and Visitation - 9/18/2008 8:13:38 PM
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SuccessinTruth
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I think letting children rule the house is a bad idea. Dad is the head of the household whether the household is together or not. And they need you, whether they know it or not. No one else can give them what you do. Of course, you're going to need to let them do most of what you would normally let your teenagers do on the weekend, but otherwise, spend as much time as possible with them. None of you will regret it.
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), but be a little bit firm about it especially at first. Like Jenny said earlier (at least I think it was Jenny) if you don't they'll be angry at you for not caring enough! I think she said "dumb, but true", lol, she's right.
