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Family dilemma - 5/3/2008 7:43:30 PM
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firefly31784
Posts: 14
Joined: 4/26/2008
Status: offline
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Here is the situation:
I come from a very missionary family background. My uncles and aunts are in Japan and India. I have a non-missionary uncle and aunt in California.
My father was abusive, my parents were divorced and my mother and 2 younger siblings moved in with m grandparents. My mother also is physically and mentally disabled. We lived there for about 10 years.
I moved on to University and was preparing to go to medical school. I kept returning to the house on vacations and realized how messy and what a difficult time my family was having ( my gparents were getting weaker). I sat down and spoke with my Uncle and asked him if he thought it was a good idea for me to leave the University and take care of my family. He said it was great. So I did. A couple years later I met a wonderful christian man at the church I was attending. A year later we were engaged. I called and sent e-mails to my family to let them know that when I get married ( 6 months) I would need to focus my attention to my new family. Needless to say they never came to help. My husband and I were full-time students (graduate school and work part-time). My grandparents ended up getting so frail we had to convince them to go into long-term care. Now this left the dilemma of where my minor sister and mother would go. It would not be appropriate for my sister to live with my mother. Long story short my husband and I needed to find a place for my sister and mother, and sell the home and do the appropriate paper work for my grandparents.
During this I began looking back and realizing that my family was not their for my mother and us children during the abuse ( they knew). And now they put me into this precarious position. (being a newly wed, and trying to deal with my past) I am also 23 years old. I then struggled with whether or not I should assert myself and let them know how i felt, and then I did. I wrote them and spoke to them asking why they weren't there. The ones in India are very apologetic and understanding. I know why they weren't able to be there because of they needed to retire to acquire their pension, but the other ones were not in those sticky predicaments. Since I spoke to them about all of that, I have been getting e-mails that they are praying I get over my bitterness. Here is a quote cut and pasted
I REREAD THE "E" THAT YOU SHARED EXPLAINING YOUR FEELINGS. YOU HAVE ALOT OF DISAPPOINTMENT, ALOT OF HURT IT SEEMS. BUT IT IS NOT AGAINST YOUR UNCLES OR G`MA OR G`PA REALLY. IT IS PAIN WITH GOD. ...I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR YOU AND FOR X AND Y AS THEY MINISTER TO YOU TODAY. PROBABY THEY WILL NOTICE THE SAME THING AS I HAVE AND HAVE SIMILAR ADVICE.
I don't feel pain with God. I feel like he has been their with me all along. How do I get past this weirdness. It's like they have twisted what I wrote to make them feel better. I know they have been praying for me and trying to witness to me because of what I wrote.....? It's like they are not taking responsibility I don't get it?
They are here for a visit and the dilemma is ignore it or discuss it. To me their whole basic thinking is off so I don't know if it would be productive. I'm willing to just move on with life.
I just don't know how to deal with this
< Message edited by firefly31784 -- 5/3/2008 9:14:39 PM >
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RE: Family dilemma - 5/4/2008 9:40:42 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 813
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
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It's typical to have one family member take on certain family responsibilities while the others sit around and do nothing. They are even happy that they don't have to. Then when confronted, they get defensive and say they will pray for you and your attitude.
You should get those family members who are supportive and talk about your different options. Look for outside help if you need to. There are many resources available, just keep looking.
I will pray for all of you.
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RE: Family dilemma - 5/4/2008 9:54:20 AM
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DustyLady
Posts: 84
Joined: 5/3/2008
From: Ohio
Status: offline
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In my many years working in nursing homes, I have frequently encountered situations where one family member assumes the burden of being care-taker for a parent or spouse, while everyone else in the family sits back and does nothing. One thing I have learned is that it's pointless to try and change these people; they are the way they are, and will be until they aren't any more. Rather than frustrate yourself trying to change them, you need to accept that this is the way things are, and find other means of meeting the needs of those you care about. Pray, and trust the Lord to turn their hearts around, and then go on with your own life.
My prayers are with you,
Dusty
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RE: Family dilemma - 5/4/2008 8:55:37 PM
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delete123
Posts: 973
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
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Never back a cat in the corner, they always come out fighting! 
Do not look for forgiveness, but give forgiveness eventhough you feel slighted by this family.
I am sorry for what you have to go through as it is grievious and is a big burden.
Thank God that you can do what you can for them and move one. In my opinion God will bless you.
He made mention of this when He was talking to the pharisees about rules and tithing.
From my memory He said: Yet you have them break the law and give to the church forsake the keeping of their parents. ( in some cases when reading the bible parents also extend to grand, step, adoptive parents.)
By honoring this extended family in all the tribulation it has cost you, the Lord will surely reward you.
As far as the other part of the family who are not partakers, do not sin in your discontent, they will also receive their reward.
I know this sounds like :Yeah right and where are you coming from, but it is the truth.
I could tell you of my experience in this situation, but it is way too long.
Finish with a grateful and joyous heart
CRH
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RE: Family dilemma - 5/5/2008 7:50:06 AM
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Annie64
Posts: 926
Joined: 6/4/2007
From: Indianapolis, IN
Status: offline
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Think about this: They are praying for you. The Bible says that we don't know what to pray for as we ought, and the Spirit helps us to pray. If your relatives are praying wrong, then God will change their attitudes as they pray. And they are prayers for you after all. My pastor talks about God "fixing prayers on the way up." So, even though you are frustrated and likely you are rightly frustrated, at least there's that.
_____________________________
On Christ the solid rock I stand
ALL other ground is sinking sand.
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RE: Family dilemma - 5/9/2008 4:12:56 PM
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firefly31784
Posts: 14
Joined: 4/26/2008
Status: offline
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Thank you all
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RE: Family dilemma - 5/10/2008 1:43:05 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 779
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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That's typical responses from relations who don't help with
caring for sick or elderly family members... I went through similar situation
when I cared for my mom... my older brothers left as soon as they could and I handled taking care of mom(and providing) from age 16 until age 38... it was hard
but I did what needed to be done.
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