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Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/7/2008 9:25:37 PM
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TheNextBillGates
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Hello everyone!
Allow me to introduce to you a few of my friends. Their names are Ally, Brad, and Jack.
Brad and Ally have a relationship that go back several months. They have much in common and go to the same college, so they have spent a whole lot of time together. Initially, Ally was quite interested in Brad. However, Ally began to realize that although she and Brad shared a special bond, a major aspect needed in a relationship – a spiritual connection – was missing.
As Ally began to share her concerns about Brad to Jack, Jack began to catch a glimpse of Ally’s heart. Through several more spiritual encounters, Jack soon realized that Ally’s heart was pure, and she had a desire to serve her God that he had seen in very few people. Jack already knew that Ally’s personality was exactly what he was looking for, and Jack surely had noticed how absolutely gorgeous she was. But Jack had held back because he hadn’t seen her spirit. Now that he had, and now that he was assured by Ally that she was no longer interested in Brad, and now that he had spoken with Brad and received assurance from him that he was not seeking anything more than a friendship with Ally, Jack decided to allow himself to open up to Ally on a new level.
Ally and Jack hit it off quickly at this new level of friendship. They spend a lot of quality time together that almost always ended up centered on God’s Word. Jack and Ally both grew together, closer to their God, not for the sake of each other, but for the sake of their God.
If the story ended here, it would appear that God was writing another one of His miraculous love stories. However, problems begin to occur as man tries to make decisions and act outside of the will of God.
Ally finds herself in a pickle. While her relationship with Brad is so incredibly different than her new relationship with Jack, she is still unwilling to let go of Brad in favor of Jack. When Jack finds out, it breaks his heart into a million pieces. Ally tells Jack that their new relationship must stop because she is not willing to give up her allegiance to Brad, and that simply must happen to continue where her and Jack were heading. Jack is in tears, wondering why all this is happening.
Several days later, Ally realizes that she has made a huge mistake. She realizes that she cannot picture going on in life without Jack. She asks for his forgiveness, and Jack gives it to her. She tells Jack that she now realizes that her and Brad share a brother-sister type relationship, and that what she desires with Jack is completely different. She wants to continue in a biblically-based friendship focused on service.
Brad soon realizes that he is losing Ally, and begins to be more open about his feelings, feelings that no one thought were there. He continues to try to pull Ally away from the group settings to be with him alone, even to the point of inviting her to an apartment with him alone. Ally realizes that this must stop, and that she can only enjoy the friendship she has with Brad in the bounds of a group setting. So, she tells Brad that they can no longer do things together, but rather in a group. Brad accepts, saying that he only wants Ally to be happy.
Throughout this time, Ally and Jack grow closer yet, stretching the bounds of a friendship by the physical bond they share…not that they have sinned, but their lingering hugs and holding of each other’s hands go beyond just a friendship. Ally and Jack both realize they desire to be with each other. They look for ways to serve together and ask their Pastor for an opportunity to learn more about each other in a new way: by serving God in the church. Each time they are together they learn more and more about who they are, and are pleased by all that they see.
However, Ally is not finished throwing curve balls. One night Ally admits to Jack that although she has drawn the line with Brad about one-on-one time, she still desires to spend time with him, and that her friendship with him is one that she would hold on to for dear life and never let go. Ally has a very close bond with Brad’s mother. They talk often, but their friendship has nothing to do with Brad, they are truly friends. So, Ally is unsure what to do when Brad’s father asks if she’s coming to the State Fair with them, or if Brad invites her over to play the guitar and sit on the porch and drink smoothies, or if Brad’s mom invites her over to bake a cake. She still wants to spend that time with them, and is unwilling to give it all up for Jack.
Jack is broken yet again. Ally promises that her friendship with Brad is just that, and never has gone beyond a genuine friendship, and that they have never shared what her and Jack share. Yet when Jack said, “If Brad suddenly opened up his spiritual side, and you liked what you saw, you would go back.” Ally responded in silence. Jack fears he is setting himself up to be hurt yet again. Jack is willing to give up all others that he must to have Ally, because he knows that she is all that he wants and needs, but Ally refuses to share the same commitment to Jack, unwilling to release her friendship with Brad.
Jack believes that Ally has two relationships that go beyond the realm of a friendship, and Jack believes that is just wrong. He knows Ally will begin to look like she’s dating two men at once and that it will hurt her testimony. Jack believes that Ally must put her relationship with Brad in its place, both on the outside, and in her heart.
So I have two questions:
1. What is the right thing for Jack to do?
2. What is the right thing for Ally to do?
Examples: Should Jack stop the relationship he has with Ally because it’s inappropriate given her unwillingness to let go of Brad? Or should he continue their friendship as it is and wait for her friendship with Brad to naturally fade as her and Jack grow closer? Is Jack setting himself up for failure? Is Ally under any obligation to give up her friendship with Brad? Should she continue both close relationships with both men, or should she give up the one for the other?
Please, I’m looking for Biblical wisdom here, not emotional responses. Thank you all for reading!
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RE: Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/7/2008 10:40:07 PM
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StraightAhead
Posts: 88
Joined: 4/23/2005
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Jack should define his boundary and what he expects. She should not have one on one times with Brad if he has no one on one times with other women.
Ally should realize she is essentially emotionally cheating on Jack. If Brad became a Christian, she'd potentially become even MORE divided and maybe even dump Jack. She should realize that emotionally she should be giving herself to Jack and no other man. If she doesn't, it does not leave Jack any other choice because he is setting himself up for heartbreak if he stays with her.
Situations like these are reasons I stay away from men with too many female friends. They seem to stay single and ultimately pay the price ending up empty handed as they get older.....people should be compatible in this area (views on the place of opposite sex friends in a relationship).
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RE: Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/8/2008 7:26:15 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4161
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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So what is Brad's take on her 2 timing him?
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RE: Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/8/2008 8:58:08 AM
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TheNextBillGates
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Thanks for the comments, SA.
Dave, no one is really sure how Brad feels. I don't know that I think Ally has been two-timing him...she also asked him how he felt before anything began with Jack. At that point, Brad indicated he wanted only a friendship. It wasn't until things began with Jack that Brad came back and told her differently.
Any other comments?
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RE: Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/8/2008 10:02:50 AM
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Auben
Posts: 1607
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
Status: online
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In my opinion, it is okay for Jack to have a specific dating standard (no other close male friendships) but it is also okay for Ally to refuse.
They are only dating...not married. I understand that Jack wants to feel completely safe here but in dating there is no completely safe. Personally I think he needs to let go a little and trust what he has with Ally. I think it's completely reasonable that he ask her to let Brad's parents know they (Brad & Ally) are not dating and she is seeing someone else (for the sake of honesty and clarity..it may change how they react), but she should not be forced to forgo their friendship completely or that of Brad in a group.
If Jack can not accept that he needs to move on to someone who can comply with his wishes.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/8/2008 10:27:54 AM
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preserved
Posts: 616
Joined: 6/12/2007
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This issue is not in relations bibilical. Seems that all needs to seek the Lord for direction here...If Alley was really interested in Brad but did not see the spiritual connection...She should have sat down with Brad and shared her thoughts and interests. In fairness from what I see Alley never really shared her thoughts and feelings to Brad...So she did not allow God to show her Brad...So then here comes Jack...and Alley is what Jack has been looking for...Reality is Jack never really had a chance..Alley's heart was still tied to Brad...Alley is also not sure of herself.. because I am Not sure why she has not seen the spritual side of Brad in all of this time that she has known him....
Jack should just remain as friends for now.
Alley needs to remain as friends with both..
The three has not truly seek God's guidance...there is to much going back and forth in this....Feelings are getting hurt...God is not the author of confusion...
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RE: Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/8/2008 1:52:29 PM
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TheNextBillGates
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Thanks for your opinion, Auben.
Preserved, I certainly agree that God is not the author of confusion, and I agree that what is happening is not the way God intends. The problem is that both Ally and Jack are having trouble knowing what to do to get back to the place where they are supposed to be...in the will of God so that all is bringing glory to Him.
Please, any other comments? I'm looking for opinions across the board.
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RE: Friends becoming more: What would you do? - 7/9/2008 10:05:47 AM
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NoShow
Posts: 454
Joined: 5/10/2005
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To me it appears that Ally and Jack are both letting thier emotions (and wants\desires) lead them or at least get them off track.
I'd say that they each need to spend much time, seeking the Lord's guidance on the matter.
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