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Friends or more - 8/4/2008 9:45:27 PM
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musicfan1969
Posts: 4
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[/colorIt's been a while since I've visited the forums as work keeps me very busy. However, I have a problem and need some advice. A Christian co-worker and I started hanging out together at the end of April. We've spent quite a bit of time together. He calls me his best friend, says I'm beautifu, says he loves me and has even kissed me. But now, says he just wants to be friends. So I made a set of rules up that he was supposed to abide by, but couldn't, so I revised them. He then revised them and today announces he wants to throw them out altogether. So basically what I'm hearing him say is he wants to just be friends but with the benefits. Help! We're supposed to talk after he gets off work in two hours. Does anyone have any advice of how I can make him understand you can't play with a woman's heart like this?
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RE: Friends or more - 8/4/2008 10:31:48 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 476
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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I have to ask, why did you revise the rules you already gave him? And if he couldn't abide by those, why would he abide by new ones? It sounds to me like you need to find out if he has a romantic or friendly interest. If he wants to be romantically involved, fine. But if he doesn't, you may have to prepare yourself to cut him off, so to speak, if he's going to overstep the boundaries you've set. And be firm. The Bible says to guard your heart - as hard as it may be, I'd suggest trying that. If he's a christian, he should understand that.
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Friends or more - 8/4/2008 10:43:07 PM
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musicfan1969
Posts: 4
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Revised the rules originally because they were written out of sheer anger. Right now I don't even think he knows. He is dealing with some stuff that has nothing to do with me. I know it sounds like an excuse, but Satan is doing his best right now to bring up his past and have it haunt him. Easier said than done since we work together in the same department. Right now all I'm hoping for is that he'll understand where I'm coming from when we talk this evening.
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RE: Friends or more - 8/4/2008 10:45:38 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2204
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: online
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Julia;
First of all, what is God saying to you about the relationship? Why isn't God being consulted about how this relationship goes? If God is being sought, are you the only party seeking Him about it? If so, that's a sign that the relationship is already unequally yoked.
Secondly, obviously this fellow doesn't have the self discipline or the character to restrict the relationship to the level he himself claims he wants. Another sign that you may be unequally yoked. A man of high character would stick with the boundaries you set up in the first place when he made the request for "just friends".
Thirdly, why are you having to set up "rules"? If he chooses a "friend" level of relationship, then he should keep to that level without you having to set boundaries. The man should be the spiritual leader, but instead you are attempting to lead...and he isn't following.
If you will permit me to be quite frank, I must say that it sounds to me as if you are still hoping for more from him and therefore allowing him emotional and perhaps other liberties he is not entitled to by his own request.
The fellow himself has requested friendship only, but is unable to keep his own distance, therefore his character is in question, and very possibly you would be unequally yoked. This is already a toxic situation spiritually, and I fear it may be emotionally as well.
I recommend you seek mature Christians to counsel you both. It sounds as if it would be very helpful.
besiderself
_____________________________
SHALLBE’S BATTY BELFRY
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RE: Friends or more - 8/5/2008 12:26:22 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8015
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Julia,
Cut him off. If he says "friends" but seeks physical benefits he is a cur and a scoundrel. Please don't let him play you like this. You'll end up getting hurt and he'll end up getting "benefits" from someone else after he's tired of you.
After a while of being cut off maybe he'll realize that he really wants more than just friends. In which case go very very slowly. No physical stuff until you are sure he's the one you want to marry AND know for certain that he feels the same way.
From what I see he's tried (and somewhat succeeded) to play you. Don't give him another chance at it.
I guess that if you law down the law he'll go hunt someone else who's easier and faster. In which case you can be certain that you didn't want him anyway.
Besiderself,
Please don't be Frank. You don't look anything like a Frank!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Friends or more - 8/5/2008 10:28:23 AM
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woodwind228
Posts: 476
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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quote:
Besiderself,
Please don't be Frank. You don't look anything like a Frank!
ROFL
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Friends or more - 8/5/2008 10:55:21 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 8069
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: musicfan1969
So basically what I'm hearing him say is he wants to just be friends but with the benefits. Help! We're supposed to talk after he gets off work in two hours. Does anyone have any advice of how I can make him understand you can't play with a woman's heart like this?
I'm not sure what kind of benefits you are referring to. What kind of kissing have you been doing with him?
You cannot "make" anyone think or do anything short of force. You can try to help him understand, but you cannot make him understand. It doesn't sound like he needs understanding anyway. It really looks like he's playing with your emotions. The only way to make him stop is to end the relationship. He obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart, but is working from his emotions. This is an indication of poor character.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Friends or more - 8/5/2008 1:50:23 PM
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Bridgitt
Posts: 237
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline
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It sounds like this person cannot abide by rules and doesn't seem to care if he hurts your feelings. I would not pursue a relationship with him at all, unless, as it was mentioned above, he is willing to go to counseling with you - if that is what you'd like.
Be careful.
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RE: Friends or more - 8/5/2008 3:22:14 PM
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offtheisland
Posts: 479
Joined: 7/17/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: musicfan1969
[/colorIt's been a while since I've visited the forums as work keeps me very busy. However, I have a problem and need some advice. A Christian co-worker and I started hanging out together at the end of April. We've spent quite a bit of time together. He calls me his best friend, says I'm beautifu, says he loves me and has even kissed me. But now, says he just wants to be friends. So I made a set of rules up that he was supposed to abide by, but couldn't, so I revised them. He then revised them and today announces he wants to throw them out altogether. So basically what I'm hearing him say is he wants to just be friends but with the benefits. Help! We're supposed to talk after he gets off work in two hours. Does anyone have any advice of how I can make him understand you can't play with a woman's heart like this?
How did your talk go?
_____________________________
My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.
Psalm 108:1
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RE: Friends or more - 8/6/2008 7:09:26 PM
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musicfan1969
Posts: 4
Status: offline
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Disaster. He admitted he was wrong, but I still ended up hurt. Now, we're not even talking at work, which is hard since our desks aren't that far apart. He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is. I did tell him to leave me alone until I've had time to process everything. He's not liking it and neither am I.
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RE: Friends or more - 8/6/2008 10:24:23 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8069
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: musicfan1969
He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is.
That is really unhealthy for both of you. If you really want him to leave you alone, block him from your myspace.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Friends or more - 8/7/2008 8:18:01 AM
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offtheisland
Posts: 479
Joined: 7/17/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: musicfan1969
Disaster. He admitted he was wrong, but I still ended up hurt. Now, we're not even talking at work, which is hard since our desks aren't that far apart. He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is. I did tell him to leave me alone until I've had time to process everything. He's not liking it and neither am I.
I know exactly what you are going through. My best friend worked in the same building as I,but his office was above mine. We worked on same productions and had weekly meetings. When I "fired" him as a best friend he got so depressed. I told him that we have to have a professional relationship from now on and not be the friends we used to be. We had lunch everyday together, watched ball games together, cooked dinner together. But, he wanted to just have "fun". I wanted more. After a month of just seeing each other passing the hall or sitting in the weekly meetings, we became friends again, but not like before. It takes a while for the "heat" to subside. I forgave him and he forgave me. We are still friends after four years.
_____________________________
My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.
Psalm 108:1
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RE: Friends or more - 8/10/2008 1:54:38 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17805
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
Status: offline
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Hi Julia, I know I have mentioned this to you already however it sounds like this guy wants his cake and eat it too! Let him know in no uncertain terms that it has to be either all or nothing!
_____________________________
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RE: Friends or more - 8/10/2008 3:59:30 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 1077
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
I know I have mentioned this to you already however it sounds like this guy wants his cake and eat it too!
I agree with humbleinspirit - this guy wanted the best of both worlds. So, I think that you did the right thing by letting him know that you were not in favour of that. I've never been in a situation like this before, but offtheisland gave you some good advice:
quote:
ORIGINAL: offtheisland
It takes a while for the "heat" to subside. I forgave him and he forgave me.
It will take a while for him to see the wisdom of your words. Give him some time.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Friends or more - 8/10/2008 1:18:21 PM
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Psalms274
Posts: 2243
Joined: 8/13/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: musicfan1969
He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is.
That is really unhealthy for both of you. If you really want him to leave you alone, block him from your myspace.
I agree.
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
Linus, my dog, little Kaleigh and Sally!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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