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Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 10:39:23 AM
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all4aremine
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Okay not debating if hunting is good or not.
My 9 year old stepson came home yesterday with a F for his reading grade. Now mind you this weekend we had planned as a family to go hunting and staying the weekend at the deer lease. I told my DH that stepson shouldn't go because he failed his reading. My DH agreed that he shouldn't be able to hunt this weekend, but since he wasn't allowed to go hunting that all of us should stay home this weekend.
Now mind you my mother-in-law lives with us and will be home this weekend to take care of stepson while we go hunting.
Do you think we should all stay home this weekend or just stepson? And is this double punishment by making him stay home while we all go hunting? 
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 12:49:54 PM
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all4aremine
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He is basically trying to treat him like he is a buddy and not a kid
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 1:29:52 PM
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Karaboo2
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My thought is that you should go hunting (I'm not weighing in on the taking/leaving end -- as we have never tied rewards to grades in our house) ... BUT while you are there, spend an evening with your hubby (after the day's hunting is done) and have a good long talk about your goals for your children, and get on the same page for everything from discipline to rewards to clothes to whatever. Standing together as a united front shows the kids that one parent isn't going to give in when the other says no. It makes for a lot fewer arguments down the road.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 1:32:52 PM
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buckifn
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I think it is unfair if you didn't discuss grades- expectations- and clear consequences beforehand.
To suddenly take away an activity with the family is not wise imo.
I don't think it is the best choice of discipline for that sort of problem period. If reading is the problem why not give him a discispline that will actually help improve his reading. After all, isn't that the goal? Making the punishment fit the crime so to speak ...instead of just making a child angry and bitter because he has to stay home while the rest of the family is out having fun together.
Maybe he could be assigned x amt. of minutes per day to read with someone...or read x amt. of pages and give a report about it...have you thought of alternate disciplines along those lines?
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 1:36:44 PM
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RamiRedeemed
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I guess I'm the odd one out- I think he should go.
It's a family trip, not just an activity for the boy. To me it seems as though his punishment is his being excluded from family time.
If I were you I'd choose a different punishment. Ground him from television or something, but I'd still use the weekend trip as a family bonding experience.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 1:46:16 PM
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laura...
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Why did he get an F on his reading? Is it because he has difficulty reading or because he didn't complete assignments that he is capable of completing?
If he has difficulty reading then not going hunting isn't going to improve his reading skills. A better consequence would be something designed to improve his reading skills. Perhaps some extra book reading.
If the problem is that he didn't complete assignments that he is capable of completing then the consequence should be something that will encourage him or help him to complete assignments. Perhaps instead of watching a favorite show each night that time slot is dedicated to reading homework.
In my opinion, a "punishment should fit the crime." The family hunting trip has nothing to do with reading and all missing it will accomplish is less family time together. Don't withhold something that important and beneficial as a consequence. Rather choose a consequence that will develop better reading and scholastic skills.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 2:11:57 PM
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all4aremine
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He got a F in reading because he didn't finish his work- not because he can't read. We had told him before this happened that if his grades weren't good that he would not be hunting. If we grounded him from other things, it doesn't matter to him. The only thing he cares about is hunting. WE have tried other alternatives and they have not worked.
edited to add-that most of the time we are on the same page with disciplining the kids, we don't argue about those things normally and this arguement didn't happen in front of the kids.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 2:20:22 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: all4aremine
He got a F in reading because he didn't finish his work-
Why didn't he finish his work?
When my two were 9, I considered it my responsibility to make sure they did their work.
Btw, I agree with the others that punishments should relate to the "crime" and be constructive.
I can't see how excluding him and isolating him from the family could help in any way whatsoever.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 2:25:18 PM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: all4aremine
He got a F in reading because he didn't finish his work-
Why didn't he finish his work?
When my two were 9, I considered it my responsibility to make sure they did their work.
Btw, I agree with the others that punishments should relate to the "crime" and be constructive.
I can't see how excluding him and isolating him from the family could help in any way whatsoever.
Well, it all depends on a kid's "currency". If he really cares about hunting, then taking away TV privileges won't help. If he was warned that not doing his work would result in a lost hunting trip, then the parents don't follow through, he'll have no respect for them. Why would he care to do his work when he will still get a chance to do what he loves the most?
I know when my brother brought home bad grades, his punishment was to sit at the kitchen table for two hours minimum every evening. He first had to do all his homework (even if it took more then 2 hours), but if he finished early, then he could read an approved book. But his behind was at that table for 2 hours at least every night.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 2:28:14 PM
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all4aremine
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Manda- he didn't finish his work because his words to us was I read at school and at his 3 week progress he was making all A's. We go over their homework every day when they get home. They are required by the teachers to write down their homework- he wasn't writing that he had reading. We were not getting any reports that he wasn't finishing his work in school.
It is my duty and responsibility to go over all 3 childrens' homework. That is the first thing I do when I get home from work is check their folders and homework assignments.
I am very much dedicated to education.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 5:58:18 PM
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deedeeowens
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You told him that if his grades weren't good; no hunting. It would be inconsistent if you didn't follow through on it. If you don't go hunting either, then he isn't missing out on hunting at all (which was the point, right?) I think you should go hunting and leave him at home with his grandma. Then he'll know that you mean what you say and he better stay more focused on his studies.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 6:00:26 PM
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RamiRedeemed
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If you told him the punishment would be no hunting then I would take him along anyway and just not allow him to participate. While the others are out hunting he could stay behind and catch up on his reading assignments and such.
_____________________________
Some people talk because they have something to say.
Others talk because they have to say something.
-------------------------------
ramireconciled.blogspot.com
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 6:12:56 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: all4aremine
Manda- he didn't finish his work because his words to us was I read at school and at his 3 week progress he was making all A's.
Could I just ask if he got a reward for getting the A's?
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mvic, January 2009
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 9:18:19 PM
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Sideways
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Is there a chance your son has been bullied or abused in any way? If he was making straight A's and now has an F, there could be something really bad going on behind the scenes. I'm not accusing you; I'm asking if there's any chance that your son is dealing with some sort of trauma, and he's acting out.
Has he suddenly dropped his grades ever before in previous years? What are his normal grades like (looking at the past couple of years)?
I only ask because my father suffered a severe trauma in High School and his good grades went through the basement.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 9:45:49 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
Has he suddenly dropped his grades ever before in previous years? What are his normal grades like (looking at the past couple of years)?
The OP has only been married to the children's father for 6 weeks, so she may not know.
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mvic, January 2009
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/24/2008 10:14:40 PM
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flyboy2610
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If he was told no hunting for bad grades, then he shouldn't go. It won't permanently harm him. He will know you mean what you say. Make sure you explain to him exactly why he can't go, and remind him that he was warned. Have you considered the possibility he may have flunked on purpose, just to see if you meant what you said? In his eyes, you are still an "outsider", bursting into his world of him, dad, and grandma. He may feel that way only subconsciously, but I'm sure he does feel that way. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you, however.
Have a good long talk with your hubby about this. He may need to spend a 'guys day' with his son to help the boy hash all this out.
Plan a nice family trip for the end of the next school quarter, and tell him if he wants to go, he needs to get that grade up.
When my kids lose a privilege for bad grades or misbehavior, they may fuss about it a bit, but they both know that Dad isn't going to change his mind, so they accept it. Your step son neds to learn to accept it, as well.
Sounds like hubby does, too.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/26/2008 12:03:07 AM
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42servehymn
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If you indeed have been married only 6 weeks you might benefit more relationship wise by bringing him along and save the discipline battle for another time. I do think you are right but being the new member of this family you might want to back down on this one. The fact that you just came into this family might account for his acting out. That is a big change for a teenager. In the future when your husband suggests a punishment you might want to ask if that is something he is truly willing to follow through on.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/26/2008 2:40:42 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 42servehymn
That is a big change for a teenager.
Let alone for a 9 yr old!
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mvic, January 2009
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/26/2008 6:48:43 PM
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ladyingrace1979
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If the punishment was to not go hunting then he stays home with MIL. It should not be a debate. Why punish the whole family for one child's disobedience? Also if DH is not going to back you in discipline you will never have authority in the home.
Kim Q
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/26/2008 7:35:18 PM
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nicole6598
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I would be talking to his teacher also, finding out why there was a drop. Also at my school, all children have to show the teacher their diaries are filled in before they can go out to play at lunch time.
I agree with Ruth, checking into why there was a drastic decline would be good.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 10/27/2008 2:45:33 PM
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42servehymn
Posts: 387
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quote:
Let alone for a 9 yr old!
Ooops!
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 11/4/2008 11:19:00 AM
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all4aremine
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Sorry I went on vacation so didn't get time to respond.
First of all Manda- yes he was very much rewarded for his all A's. We bought him a lego set that he wanted plus more arrows.
He is ADD and before we put him on meds his grades were always failing grades. After that he has been doing pretty well mainly A's and B's.
I have only been married to father for 6 weeks but have been in these kids lives for over 2 years and have been in a big part of their lives.
We ended up actually letting him go hunting with us. His duty is to read 20 minutes a day after school at least. Since then his reading grades have been all A's. The day we all went hunting he got to see his dad shoot a deer so that has really helped with him wanting to do his homework.
Thanks for the advice all. I appreciate it and after I wrote this and saw the responses I went back to DH and we talked further and made our decision. I think my initial feeling was that he was treating him like his buddy instead of his child, but that has been cleared up.
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RE: Frustrated with DH over discipline - 11/11/2008 6:27:03 PM
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intenets_user
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I know this isn't a timely response...you all have either gone hunting or not by now. But I still wanted to weigh in.
How I would have handled this is to have the child do more reading. I'd assign him x amount of reading minutes per day. On top of that I'd probably take him hunting but prior to the trip we'd go to the library and find a book on hunting which he'd be responsible to read before the trip (or if it was long before and after the trip). Additionally, I'd have him write a little report based on what he learned both from the book and from the actual hunting experience.
He'd continue with the required reading minutes per day until the grades improved.
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