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How do you know when you are ready... - 8/16/2008 4:36:27 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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How do/did you know when you are/were ready to start dating again? For the purposes of this discussion, we'll define dating as going out with the opposite sex with the goal of eventually finding Mr/Ms Right. Perhaps you are divorced/widowed and you reached a point at which you evaluated yourself and said "Okay, I'm ready to start dating again." If you've never been married, you may have stood by the side of someone in the above situation while they went through the healing process and saw some sure fire signs that they were well enought to date again. I'm editing this post to add the converse situation. Perhaps you have seen signs in your self (or someone else in the above situation) that indicate you (or he/she) is not ready to start dating again. Feel free to speak from this perspective as well.
I understand some believe in formulas such as 3/1 or 4/1 meaning you'll possibly be ready when you have remained single one year for every 3-4 years you've been married. Personally, I can see how that's a good guideline to start from but I do think there are a number of factors that contribute to how quickly (or slowly) a person heals from a break-up. What say ye?
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 8/16/2008 4:52:28 PM >
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: How do you know when you are ready... - 8/16/2008 5:32:05 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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Joined: 5/2/2005
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Well, I haven't been married, but I have been in relationships and can understand that healing takes time. Personally, I don't believe in using formulas or timelines, but here's what I think of them. I think they are a tool that help keep people from jumping too quickly into a relationship after a break-up. Some people need time-lines, or else they will jump in too quickly. Unfortunately, some people can be no closer to being ready at 3 years or even 5 years if they haven't done the work to get themselves ready.
Imagine a wound that has been infected. You don't want an ugly wound, so you try to get it to close up as quickly as possible... but you don't clean it out. On the outside, it looks fine... the healing is coming along well. But on the inside, the infection goes deeper and deeper until the whole body is infected. You won't know the depth of the infection until you re-open the wound.
None of us are perfect, we all have things that need to be "cleaned-out" so that we're ready to enter into a new relationship. We need to clean-out all the hurt, anger, bitterness, and so on that we can carry from one relationship to the next.
So how do we know when we're ready? I suppose it's when we have dealt with our negative emotions to the point that we won't bring them into the next relationship. When we are able to be in an honest and open relationship with another, accept feedback, express our feelings, etc.
As Christians, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us and to convict us of things that need to happen before we're ready... if we ask Him. Through all of our healing, we need to be in constant prayer.
Just my 2 cents.
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RE: How do you know when you are ready... - 8/16/2008 6:16:53 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2124
Joined: 12/11/2007
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My short answer would be when you're can finally care about another person without being controlled by your fear/bitterness/anger/ or whatever it is that you have to deal with because of your past relationship. If you can do that, and truly care about the other person without compromising your new found self respect, then you are truly ready to date or look for someone to bring into your life.
And no, there's no formula. Too soon is too soon, and too long, means you're not trying to do what you should do to heal. It's really when you can view the people around you positively, that is a good indication that you're ready.
_____________________________
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint....Isaiah 40: 31
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RE: How do you know when you are ready... - 8/17/2008 7:59:31 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 911
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
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But the pains of the past will always affect your future actions. Be careful not to misinterpret this as not being ready.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: How do you know when you are ready... - 8/17/2008 4:20:57 PM
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GrowinBaptist
Posts: 28
Joined: 7/17/2008
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I think Grace-N-Mercy put it very well. I also don't agree with formulas for deciding who's ready to start dating again. Someone who was divorced 10 years ago may still have anger and bitterness festering inside. That person is definitely not ready to date again although much time has passed.
A good way to "clean house" for another relationship is to pray and ask God to reveal YOUR part in past relationships. This is not easy because we always want to point the finger. Although you may not have done anything to deserve divorce/breakup, your own motives and behaviors may have been less than Godly. In my own divorce, there was nothing that time and learning couldn't have helped, but he wanted out because he wanted his own way. HOWEVER, I have also been shown that I was very selfish. My motives for "teaching" my ex about the Lord were more about changing him into becoming the man I wanted him to be rather than winning him for the Lord...which I didn't really know how to do at the time. So if we can be honest with ourselves having our true motives revealed can be a big step towards being ready for another relationship. In this process, also ask the Lord to reveal to you the KIND of people you've always been attracted to in the past, especially if you have a string of broken relationships (not necessarily divorce). I found I had a fear of commitment myself since I was always finding men who had no intention of committing to me. Yet I desired true commitment, so this pattern of thinking had to be broken.
Bear in mind this doesn't always happen overnight. And be prepared to see those issues arise you thought were gone if you start seeing someone again. But don't see it as a bad thing...it's just old patterns of thinking popping up because that's how you're used to doing things. But as long as you can identify these "ghosts" and hand them to the Lord, you'll find them vanishing for good. The Lord tested me with someone here recently. He wanted to see if I was going to be discerning enough not to fly into yet another relationship. (It's been nearly 6 years since my divorce and over 2 years since my last relationship). I didn't want to see the red flags at first, but they were there from the get-go. Finally he made an off-color remark that I thought was way out of line and told him I had issues with that. I have not heard from him since and am not disappointed because I knew where his mind was going (sexual innuendos). So just because the Lord may send someone your way after you've reached a certain point doesn't mean that he/she is the person for you. The Lord may just be testing you to see how far you've really come, to see if you are really willing to do things HIS way for a change in regards to a relationship. I wouldn't say I passed mine with flying colors, because I didn't. But I did learn that I am no longer willing to compromise myself and am now offended instead of flattered when someone makes suggestive comments to me. I have also learned that I am not going to throw myself into a relationship again. In fact, it helped me define how I would do things now. I would much prefer to observe someone (probably in church or church activities) and get to know him as a friend first in a group setting. I would prefer it also if this is how HE would like to get to know me instead of asking me out right off the bat.
_____________________________
I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.
Phil. 4:13
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