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How much time do you spend together? - 11/19/2008 11:34:36 AM
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bella05
Posts: 36
Joined: 4/22/2008
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Hello all,
My husband and I have been married for one year. We love to spend time together! However, we do spend time apart with our friends. Maybe about once or twice a month? Time moves by so fast. My husband works 11 hour days and our priority is to make time for each other.
One of my close friends who is newly married doesn't spend a lot of time with her husband. He loves to spend time with his male buddies and plays a lot of sports... about 4 different sports per year, not professionally or anything. She slips sometimes and says things like "unfortunately, we don't spend time together." But then seems to cover-up for him saying that's it's healthy for her husband to have "guy time." If they're not spending time apart, they're weekends are always packed with hanging out with friends, sometimes family. Plus she also travels once a month for work.
This friend made a comment to me saying that "spending too much time with your spouse is unhealthy". But my husband and I feel that we have a good balance and we're each other's best friend. I wasn't offended because I know it's not true, but wondering if she's becoming insecure in her relationship with her husband? Why would she feel the need to make a comment about our relationship when I never made a comment about hers? I feel like I have to help her see that their time apart from each other might harm their marriage. Maybe she knows but is in denial? But I don't want to impose.
How much time is a healthy amount to spend with your spouse? What words of wisdom do you have about spending quality time together? Any insightful stories or phrases?
Sorry if this is pretty basic but I'm newly married also and still learning about how to have a healthy, happy marriage.
Thank you!
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/19/2008 11:55:25 AM
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elastic
Posts: 2457
Joined: 4/15/2005
From: NYC
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quote:
How much time is a healthy amount to spend with your spouse?
there is no one answer that can answer this. it is just whatever is right for the couple.
i feel as if i spend a lot of time with my dh, but there are times when he travels for work and he is away from home for weeks at a time, or times when i spend time out with my friends and he'll spend time out with his. i think it's fine for our marriage to have different interests and different sets of friends. for us, we don't have to spend every waking moment of the day together to know that we have a good marriage. when we are together, it's usually quality time that we are spending....doing things like going on dates, holding hands, watching movies, visiting museums.
there are some times when we are just home together, but hanging out in separate rooms...him doing whatever it is he does when he's not with me, and me doing whatever it is that i do when i'm not with him. i think it's great if couples feel they have to be with each other all the time, but i also think it's just as great if they don't feel that way.
at this point in our marriage, we don't feel that we have to be together all of the time. if he wants a night out with the guys, i encourage that. the same with me, if i want to do something with the girls, it is encouraged. i love that about our relationship. he never demands that i be home with him or that i spend time with him, and that makes the time we do spend together that much sweeter, because we choose to be together and we are not forcing each other.
hope this rambling post made some sense.. we have been married just over 6 years.
_____________________________
"Let's get something straight, kid. The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you. " Jack Bauer
 I Stand with Israel!
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/19/2008 11:59:46 AM
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all4aremine
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/24/2008
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Honestly, I think it is different for every couple. My husband and I spend a lot of time together except for work. We do Bible study Tuesday nights, teach children's church on Wednesday nights, Thursday's we just hang around the house taking care of the kids and all house chores. Friday-Sunday is spent either hunting or getting ready for hunting season or fishing. Rarely does my husband go out anywhere with his friends unless I am with him. The only place he does go with buddies is hunting.
This is good for us. We enjoy each other's company and are best friends. I wouldn't mind if he went somewhere with his buddies just as I like to go shopping with my friends, but most our time is together.
If both people in the marriage are happy about the time being spent together, then that is the healthy part, but if one is not getting enough or feels like they are around too much then that is when it gets unhealthy. That is when the couple needs to sit down and talk about a compromise that makes both happy.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/19/2008 12:05:37 PM
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kidV1
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spending time together to me is great but there are different levels with different people. My wife and I don't get much time together because I work a lot and she stays home and takes care of our 3 girls so if we do get time together it's mostly late night about midnight when i get off work or during the weekends i'm off and were both so wore out we can't do anything that amounts to much. I'd say that having time with your spouse is really important so that you don't fall into a rutt. I would be glad you get that time to spend together and wouldn't let anything come between it. Hope you have a nice day. God bless! 
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/19/2008 12:23:26 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
This friend made a comment to me saying that "spending too much time with your spouse is unhealthy". But my husband and I feel that we have a good balance and we're each other's best friend.
Balance is the key. and your friend's comment is wrong. It gets harder when you have kids too - that many more directions to be pulled. You just have to be mindful of what you might be neglecting. And it's not good to neglect friendships either but priorities have to be solid.
The last several years, dh and I had developed some really bad habits and part of that was definitely not spending enough time together. We also realized we were spending way too much time "entertaining". We got to the place where we sort of needed other people around because we hardly knew each other or had so much built up between us that we avoided being really alone together. We've reprioritized everything and our marriage has done a completely 180. But, still, he was invited somewhere by a coworker last weekend and he gladly went (this is a new job so it was exciting that he's breaking through with these guys). We turned down something later that weekend, though, because we're trying to be mindful of too many commitments that cut into family time.
Especially being newly married, though, I think you might be reading your friend correctly, though. I also sense some frustration or disappointment in her comments (as you've quoted her here). There's nothing you can say or do, though. And, truthfully, what would never work for some people really seems to work for others so who knows.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/19/2008 3:36:19 PM
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sudden
Posts: 167
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From: Toronto
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Hello bella-05.
How much time is healthy? There is no right or wrong answer. I would say that the answer is "whatever works for a given couple". Some will want more exclusive together time, others less.
One of my girlfriend's had her 25th Wedding Anniversary this fall. When asked to what she attributes their marital success, this is the advice she gave "Go out lots and do your own thing." Partly a joke....partly true. It works for them.
If you are happier with more time with your spouse there is nothing wrong with that. If your friend and her spouse are happier with little time - nothing wrong with that either. Sometimes one's position on such things changes over time.
As to your friend's comments...I think we all like to share what we think is "good". I think it is natural to do so. If you find her comments really annoying...just tell her - gently, of course.
Yours for doing what works for you,
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/20/2008 11:10:06 AM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Auben
I've been told we're co-dependent for wanting to be in the same room together even when we're doing separate things.  Basically you have to get to the point where you realize 'who cares if we're co-dependent or not? We're happy.
How can you "become one" without being somewhat "co-dependent"? (I hate psychobabble buzz words.)
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/20/2008 11:56:24 AM
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bella05
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Great. Thank you! I agree with all of your responses, especially csl7037. Balance is key!
I wasn't offended by my friends comment at all. Her comment surprised me but our friendship is fine. My husband and I have a good understanding of spending time together and apart. He always comes first though... before friends and family.
It's the opposite with my friend's marriage. Her husband does choose his friends/hobbies over her majority of the time. She does tell me that he and his friends hang out all of the time. It's been happening since they met. They used to get in huge arguments about it (and other things) and she married him anyway knowing this is the way it is. So, I'm not sure if it's a mutual decision between them. Because I hear about marriages becoming strained or even fall apart over this, I was hoping and wondering that maybe it won't. Some of your responses answered that.
My question too: csl7037, How can you "become one" without being somewhat "co-dependent"?
Our pastor always told us that spending time together(obviously not ever single minute) is the only way that your marriage can grow. How can it become fruitful if the majority of the time you're apart?
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/20/2008 4:51:53 PM
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sudden
Posts: 167
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From: Toronto
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Dear Calea 37:
As one old broad to another, there are a lot of lonesome single people out there - young folks and elderly as well. . THere is in all likelihood plenty of them in your church. It would be nice if you and your husband could include some single people in things you do together. You needn't do them apart - a simple lunch invitation after church for instance.
My husband and I have single friends who we entertain, as a couple, regularly. I was greatful when I was single that my married friends did not abandon me.
Just a thought,
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/20/2008 5:21:15 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
My question too: csl7037, How can you "become one" without being somewhat "co-dependent"?
Our pastor always told us that spending time together(obviously not ever single minute) is the only way that your marriage can grow. How can it become fruitful if the majority of the time you're apart?
I think some people make it work. I have a friend who's husband travels about half the time as his job. It's a very cool job on the one hand but they have three kids and I just know I couldn't do it. Then, of course, there are military families who live apart for months on end but I think that's a little different. The ones that truly seem to thrive spending little or no time together, I do think, are the exception rather than the rule. I'm an only child myself so I admit I like my alone time. But the longer I'm married, and the more I learn, the less and less I feel like I need that.
It's not just time that you need to spend together, though, it is what you do with that time as well. That's just where it comes down to balance, I guess. And part of marriage is about getting to know your spouse and their needs and then committing to meet those needs! If your friend had some big exciting job or other commitment in her life that made it just practical for them to spend a lot of time apart it might be one thing - but when it's a husband's play time that keeps them apart, I think it's a problem.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/20/2008 6:35:35 PM
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1957Hedgehog
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Bella05, I think you are absolutely on the right track, and I pray for your friend to experience the same love, joy, friendship, and companionship you do with your husband.
I've been married to my best friend (next to Jesus of course) for 14 years. We both live very busy lives with work, family, household requirements, etc., but except for church and church related events/classes we are home together in the evenings and on weekends.
Now don't misunderstand...we don't stay constantly next to each other gazing lovingly into each other's eyes (ok, well sometimes...). But here's what works for us...if she's in the house I know it and feel unexplainably secure. We don't have to be physically together. I can be downstairs or out in the yard/garage and she upstairs, but we're connected via our home. When she's not here, like tonight (dinner with a close friend), well a small piece of that security is absent.
I think we are who we are because we're soulmates, and God has brought us together just as He said he would in Genesis, as "one flesh". So there's a little discomfort when we're apart, but the discomfort completely disappears once we're back together.
For your friend, I recommend the book Boundaries. Our church even sponsors a class called New Beginnings which covers this book and Safe People, both by Christian Counselors. Sounds to me like your friend may need to establish some better boundaries for her marriage.
God's grace and peace be with you, congratulations on marrying your best friend, and best wishes for continued happiness!
_____________________________
Better together <><
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/20/2008 6:55:22 PM
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1957Hedgehog
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...oh, yeah, and I forgot to mention every Saturday night is "date night" (yay, 2 more days!), and we also celebrate "date weekends" every so often and get away together somewhere to take a break from the "rat race". Those weekends are always a HUGE blessing from God for our marriage, for each of us independently, and for us spiritually. I highly recommend it for everyone!
_____________________________
Better together <><
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/20/2008 7:04:17 PM
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heavencomedown
Posts: 65
Joined: 11/7/2008
From: Seattle, Wa.
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I think it depends on the couple and or how long you have been married. Once your married for a while, Imo, you feel like its okay to not think you have to spend all the time doing something together, also after kids arrive there is less time. We both work and have 3 children. I work par time and he works more than full time but we spend weekends doing quality things and have most the same interets, so when there is a project going on at home we both work on it and it seems like we are together.He calls me 2 or 3 times a day to see how Im doing, I like that.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/27/2008 1:18:30 AM
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cheeky_monkey
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My husband and I spend virtually no time together. He's into gaming and before that was into other things that took his time away from me. I can tell you from experience that it's NOT healthy at all for a relationship. I feel that we barely know each other, and because we spend no time together we very easily get on each others' nerves. The more time we spend apart, the more time it seems we want to just do our own thing. We have a very difficult time having a conversation that lasts longer than a few minutes. I spent years trying to change this, but nothing worked. When our kids are grown up and it's just the two of us, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm lonely enough as it is. When the kids are gone I can only assume it's going to be much worse.
I don't post this as a "poor me" kind of thing. It is what is it, and really all I can do is pray that someday things get better since this is where I'm "stuck" (for lack of a better word). My advice to your friend is if she and her husband don't make time together a priority now, they may end up in the situation I'm in several years down the road. DH used to tell me that things would be better when the kids are grown and we have more time for each other. He's delusional. If he can't make the time for me now, he certainly isn't going to want to put in the effort in 16 years when our youngest is grown. It's not going to happen. By then, we'll be strangers.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 11/27/2008 6:08:24 AM
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MisterTR
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I'd like to add a bit to what Cheeky-Monkey said. She has some good points.
It's not just the quality of time, but you also need some quantity, too. Balance, yes, but if someone's feeling neglected or ignored something is not right.
In the ups and downs of my marriage, when we are most connected, we WANT to be with each other a lot. When we were disconnected, we just didn't enjoy each other's company all that much. It was more of a business relationship to take care of the house and kids.
So, if you keep a high level of intimacy, openness and connectedness, the time issue might take care of itself. You'll both want to spend lots of time together, right?
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 12/1/2008 1:12:22 PM
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grneyedmnstr
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Joined: 11/20/2008
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My husband and I are very close. I think it's healthy to want to be with your spouse. The key that many have mentioned is balance. Sometimes we need time apart and other times we need to be together. The most important thing is to communicate your needs to your spouse because they can's read your mind. Personally I feel incomplete when he's not with me so i make sure that when he's home I'm there too.
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 12/1/2008 3:49:02 PM
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journeyman7
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Joined: 11/11/2007
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My wife and I spend almost all of our time together other than work. We have a three year old little girl, thus much of the time is spent with her, but it is all good, quality time all the same. This works for us and always has. We are the type of people who just like being around each other all the time, which would probably not work for everyone. Like so many people have said on the post, the right amount of time is very dependent on the relationship and the people. We are talking about married couples and being married is being like one, thus significant time should be spent, but everyone is different.
I often say to my wife I would whether be arguing with you (although that is not much at all) than be anywhere else.
God bless,
_____________________________
Mt 16:24 -
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me
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RE: How much time do you spend together? - 12/3/2008 11:38:36 AM
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bella05
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Cheeky_Monkey, thank you so much for sharing. Also, thank you for being open and honest. I will definitely say a prayer for you and your husband. God Bless.
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Maybe, also, she has seen that weird kind of exclusive dependency that sometimes appears in relationships and that colors her view of your marriage. 
PRAISE THE LORD -- MY HUSBAND IS BACK FROM IRAQ 
