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Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 12:25:56 PM
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saraibaba
Posts: 6
Joined: 4/28/2008
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My husband know this girl thru a mutual friend.They become really good friend and take care of each other,for "prevention" my hubby, included me in the relationship, he invited her to visit our church and then she came to my house and spent time with us, she is married and currently going thru a hard time with her husband.She started seeking advise from us, mostly from my husband as i am always travelling for my work. She told my husband that she has a liking for him and respect him like a brother, because of God,she said that although she has the thought but she should not and will not put her thought into action. Each time, i am away, she will ask my husband out, when i am in town, she will only text him as she claimed that she does not wanted to interfer with our family time. My husband had assured me that both of them are just really good friend and had no intention of anything more or any initimate relationship. I should trust the God and the God in both of them. Somehow, or for some reason, i have no peace in my heart. She text my husband everyday, and asked him for advise on every decisions she wanted to make.My husband have many good friends of opposite sex and i know all of them but i just feel very different and uncomfortable with this girl. I do not wanted to stop my husband for making any friends and by do so he felt that i did not trust him or the God in him. My hubby find it easier to open up and feel safe to talk to her compared to me. Is there a problem with me? or i am jelous or too sensitive? Pls Help.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 1:04:25 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 214
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Is there a large age spread between your husband and this young lady? I ask because it almost looks like she is looking for father figure but isn't really clear on boundries. So I suspect she has a crush on a fatherly or big brother type person. I'm more concerned that your husband feels more comfortable with someone other than you. I would be looking at what is causing this and having some dialogue with him about this. Also, I would be trying to find a way not to travel so much.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 1:23:19 PM
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fist.sensei
Posts: 126
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I agree with ladyingrace, however there is an additional danger about this, and that is the fact that the girl is going through a hard time in her marriage.
It is very easy to "fall in crush" with someone who is being kind to you after you've been going through a seperation/divorce. It is a normal thing to do.
I'm sure she has the nicest of intentions, but most divorcee's don't realize just how much mental and emotional stress they're under.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 1:30:05 PM
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saraibaba
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How should i talk to my husband about my frustration and feeling? What if he does not want to cut the friendship? Each time i talk to him, we had a big flight. He claimed that i did not trust him or God. What should i do if these happen?
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 1:53:27 PM
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jubee
Posts: 13
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quote:
How should i talk to my husband about my frustration and feeling? What if he does not want to cut the friendship? Each time i talk to him, we had a big flight. He claimed that i did not trust him or God. What should i do if these happen?
Prayer changes things. I don't want to sound super-spiritual but it is true. Before we were married, I had similar issues with my husband. We too, had countless heated arguments. When I felt as though my thoughts and concerns weren't heard or respected, I just gave it over to the Lord on my knees. I prayed that God would remove ANYTHING or ANYONE who was a hinderance to our relationship with Him or each other...No more yelling, screaming, worrying...And He did. When we get to that point now, I still do the same thing.
If this is something you feel passionate about and could perhaps be a threat to your marriage, trust in the Lord and fight on your knees in prayer. Remember, women can spot a woman who is attracted to their spouse more quickly than a man will notice himself. You may want to throw a tomato for this comment but pray for his friend as well that God would meet her need.
My dad used to always tell me...I trust you but I don't trust that stinking-conniving-devil! The enemy only comes but to steal, kill and destroy and although filled with good intentions what seems innocent could really be deadly. It's an open door, a foothole...that's all the enemy needs to have an "accident", or an oops moment. I am not at all trying to be cynical but we always have to make sure our marriages are sealed. There must be boundaries set and honoring one another in times like this is crucial.
Jubee 
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 2:39:22 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 248
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Have you tried to set up a meeting with the pastor or asked him to sit down to speak to the pastor (with you too) to discuss the situation? If not, then perhaps telling him that you obviously have disagreements and that this has caused fights between you and that it is time to ask another person's opinion (one that he trusts) and advice for how to get through this.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 4:06:21 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2356
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From: upstate NY
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i agree with JYGUY ... this other woman has come between you and your husband. there are lots and lots of threads and post on this board about spouses having a very close opposite sex friends. being a Christian doesn't mean affairs don't happen in fact perhaps it could faciliate them with sometimes naive thinking that everyone loves God and puts him first so nothing will happen. the problem with this thinking is that affairs are like addictions and so many people are willing to turn their back on everything to get their fix. an emotional affair at the minimum has already begun - she txts everyday, they make extra attempts to see each other when you are away, by the fact your husband finds "it easier to open up and feel safe to talk to her compared to me.", and that you've already had big fights about her. You definately should spent a lot of time in prayer (if not already) but you have a chance to intervene before things get really out of hand - people have free will - and this needs to be exposed to your pastor. the other woman already admits to having "a liking for him" but because of God "will not put her thought into action." THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND YOU ARE NOT BEING JEALOUS OR TOO SENSITIVE (as you asked).
< Message edited by iwillfearnoevil -- 4/28/2008 4:13:30 PM >
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 6:06:12 PM
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bride48
Posts: 4819
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Near Boston
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I see red flags all over this one!
_____________________________
Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
See my photographic evidence that my wheelchair was fixed at Joyfully Christian Lady's Museum
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 8:48:28 PM
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firefly31784
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I'm not sure if this is what your doing, but one thing I've learned is that If my husband understands how something makes me feel he tries to be more understanding.
Reframe: from I think this girl likes you, what's going on?
To: Beginning with: The situation is hurting me...and ask him how he would feel if you were in his shoes.
That way instead of it sounding like your pointing fingers accusing him of a potential affair, your being honest and letting him know what is happening is hurting you.
That usually works the best for communicating with my husband... it just makes it so he isn't on the defense.
I would be seeing red flags if I were you too.. I'm sorry your going through all of this it must be difficult for you right now
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/28/2008 9:28:39 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1634
Joined: 9/20/2005
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Sara,
As I said in the relationship folder, this relationship is NOT ok. This woman is clearly wanting MORE from your husband, hence her sharing her "thoughts" with him. If he is truly following the Lord, he will honor you by breaking off this unhealthy relationship.
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/29/2008 12:56:58 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 214
Joined: 3/14/2008
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The suggestion to have the pastor talk to your husband is a good one, I would also suggest that the pastor talk to this young lady as well. She needs an older lady to come along side and help her through this time not your husband. For the sake of everyone envolved this relationship needs to change.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/29/2008 5:30:58 PM
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bride48
Posts: 4819
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Near Boston
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladyingrace1979
The suggestion to have the pastor talk to your husband is a good one, I would also suggest that the pastor talk to this young lady as well. She needs an older lady to come along side and help her through this time not your husband. For the sake of everyone envolved this relationship needs to change.
Excellent suggestion.
_____________________________
Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
See my photographic evidence that my wheelchair was fixed at Joyfully Christian Lady's Museum
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/29/2008 7:21:27 PM
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Peachi
Posts: 5
Joined: 2/12/2008
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you say this young lady is married? Where is her husband in all this? Express your feelings to your husband and suggest you only communicate as COUPLES.
Having you pastor talk to him is an excellent idea. If your husband hears how inappropriate and unhealthy for your marriage this "friendship" is from a third party he will open his eyes and stop.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 4/30/2008 4:51:36 PM
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Brooke313
Posts: 116
Joined: 10/24/2006
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RED FLAGS!!! Better to find out for sure what is going on now than to let it go. This is a tough situation, and although it could be harmless, the fact that you have no peace makes it not so harmless. Talk to him and if need be go for counseling. Help him to understand that this is not a situation that you are comfortable with. If he won't go for counsel, go alone and learn how to handle this in a Christlike manner.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 5/1/2008 9:03:41 AM
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LoyalFriend
Posts: 133
Joined: 9/29/2007
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Major RED FLAG ALERT!!!!!!!This is totally inappropiate for them to be meeting together while you are gone. It is very important to guard your marriage, so don't think your feelings are wrong at all. I would talk to your husband more about this and if the two of you can't resolve this on your own, seek counseling from a pastor or another christian ASAP.
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 5/1/2008 1:40:24 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 810
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Make it very clear to your husband the relationship became
inappropriate when the lady shared her feelings for him and then
it preceded to go out of bounds when they are going out together (which is called dating) when you are away on business.
And it is still heading the wrong way because he's not wanting to
rectify the situation and now he's made this friendship with the hurting married lady
a stumbling block. The married lady should be seeing a qualified marriage counselor - not someone else's husband! Your husband's blind trust will get him into trouble if he doesn't open his eyes!
This "friend" has clearly transferred her allegiance to your husband(seeking his advice in her personal matters/family matters) - and the texting everyday is uncalled for! Your husband has developed an allegiance to this hurting woman --- he should be reminded that it's not his job to become so involved in her marriage problems or to share too much confidences. He can pray for this woman and her marriage problems - but he must keep proper boundaries in place!
If your husband won't protect his marriage from danger - then it's up to you to take
necessary precautions.
*If your marriage is important to you - take time off from work and be at home - so you and him can work on the marriage and establish proper boundaries with his lady friend. No other woman or man on Earth should have more of his allegiance than you!
(This goes both ways!)
If he's choosing her friendship over you - there's a big problem!
Marriage counseling is in order - seek help ASAP!
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RE: Hubby best friend. - 5/5/2008 11:33:57 AM
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RichNay
Posts: 30
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline
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this is extremely inappropriate. members of the opposite sex should not be sharing confidences about hurts (well unless they are married, brother/sister or getting married  ) sharing these types of emotions makes you feel artificially closer, opening yourself, and them to an affair.  head to the nursery.... you need to find the BIGGEST hedges you see, and plant them around your marriage! 
also, when you do talk to him about this. be RESPECTFUL, most men will shut down if they feel they are not being respected. men spell love
R-E-S-P-E-C-T (kind of like Aretha Franklin) respect could look like this. "George, I have some concerns about your relationship with Ethel, it seems like she is going through such a hard time, and you are such a compassionate person you want to help, which I think is wonderful. However, i really worry that the relationship will go into wrong territory. Do you think we could ask Lucy from church to help Ethel? It would make me feel much happier, and more secure." and then LISTEN to what he says.
Edited to change a word I put in the wrong place 
< Message edited by RichNay -- 5/5/2008 11:40:56 AM >
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