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Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 1:13:48 PM
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Liv4Him06
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Hello Everyone.
I'm seeking biblical wisdom and guidance from fellow Christians.
I've been married since 1994. And throughout those years it's been one long journey, but it has been a lot better for the past few years. Anyways, my heart aches and longs for a family. I've desired children ever since we've been married. At one time--during the first years of our marriage--so did my husband. Then after a few years into our marriage he changed his mind and has pretty much remained steadfast with his decision of not wanting kids, except for this past January.
It seemed as if God was starting to open up his heart to the idea. He was even considering adoption. Well, since I have PCOS (a disorder that effects fertility) and I had some weight to lose, I started eating healthy and working out to lose weight and get healthy just in case I was to get pregnant.
Now it's August and he's changed his mind again. Out of the 14 years we've been married this was the first glimpse of hope that we might be able to start our own family. His reason for not wanting kids is he doesn't want the responsibility, financial aspect and he still feels like a kid himself (almost 36 years old) -- wanting to do things that he hasn't yet done. He also told me he doesn't want to hear a crying baby.
I'm just at a loss for words. My heart is broken and I feel so empty. I'm going to be 33 years old in January and I feel like life is just slipping away. I know God has a will and plan for all of us, but I really don't know what mine is yet.
I really don't know what kind of answers I'm seeking; I'm just torn right now. I guess I want to know what others would do in this situation. I've been praying to God that His will be done. I've also been reading the book of Genesis. When God gave Eve to Adam as a helper, he also told them to be fruitful and multiply. So I'd think that children are part of God's will in a marriage.
< Message edited by Liv4Him06 -- 8/22/2008 2:11:37 PM >
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 1:31:21 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6020
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Could I just ask what his relationship was/is like with his own father and mother?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 2:06:25 PM
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bluestone
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Is your marriage healthy in other respects?
If there are other problems in your marriage, children can only put more strain on the relationship.
Is your husband normally selfish, or just in this area?
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 2:31:34 PM
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Liv4Him06
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Thanks for replying Manda and Bluestone.
Manda, my husband was abused physically by his mother when he was young. His biological parents divorced and then he was adopted by his step dad and lived with him because his mom and step dad split. I know that abuse can be a factor when deciding children, but when we were dating he definitely wanted some. Basically he changed his mind after the first few years into our marriage.
Bluestone, our marriage is a lot better than it was in the past. There was some abuse and control issues in our marriage at first but he has changed a lot. I've definitely seen God's work in him. I also know God is working in my life and heart. I am becoming more submissive and trying to be the wife God wants me to be. As for being selfish, he can be. But aren't we all at times. This is something that I know as a Christian I need to do. I need to die to my flesh and strive towards Christ.
I guess I am just confused at this point. But I also know God is Sovereign and is in control of everything. I just wonder if it isn't God's will for us to have children. But if that's is the case, why doesn't He take that desire away from my heart? I've always wanted children since I was a little girl. I also wonder why God doesn't soften my husbands heart so we can have children. I honestly thought earlier this year that's what God was doing. I was ecstatic. Now I am just crushed.
I know regardless of what happens, I need to submit my life to Christ and trust in Him that He knows best. It just can be really hard at times, KWIM?
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 2:37:03 PM
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bluestone
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The problem seems to be your husband showing love for you and concern for your desires. Not a submission issue on your part.
Have you tried counseling with a qualified counselor? This may go a long way in helping the problem.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 2:55:14 PM
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dianetavegia
Posts: 2034
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From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
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Your said your husband was abused and then abused you for a while. Could it be that he is terrified that he would abuse a child?
Pray for God's prefect will in this matter. God is mightier than birth control or POCD. God gave Sarah a child when she was 90 so He can certainly grant your wish, too.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 5:09:33 PM
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lastblast
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Liv,
I know this must be terribly difficult for you as desiring a child is a perfectly natural thing for a woman. I agree with Diane that the best thing to do is to trust in the Lord that He will do a work according to His purposes for your life.
Have you considered ministering to children in a different way............a way that will somewhat fill a desire for you to nurture as well as doing something tangible for a child in need. There are so many organizations that you can check into, but if you are in an area where this one operates, you and your husband could be an incredible blessing.........Think about it
http://www.healingthechildren.org/.
Blessings in Him,
Cindy
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 6:48:07 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Liv4Him06
Manda, my husband was abused physically by his mother when he was young. His biological parents divorced and then he was adopted by his step dad and lived with him because his mom and step dad split. I know that abuse can be a factor when deciding children, but when we were dating he definitely wanted some. Basically he changed his mind after the first few years into our marriage.
It may well be that he does want children, but is terrified that he'd be a bad father and not able to relate to them. He might also be concerned that he would be jealous of the attention his children would receive from you.
We have a mutual friend for whom this was true. Thankfully, his issues were resolved with counselling, and he now, though somewhat later in life, has two daughters.
Has your husband ever had counselling for the abuse?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 7:26:43 PM
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Liv4Him06
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Thank you all for the replies!
Bluestone, I have been in counseling before, and so has he, but it wasn't issues pertaining to children. I definitely wouldn't mind going to counseling again, but I know he won't go. He thinks there's nothing wrong with not wanting children.
Diane, I thought for the longest time that him being abused might be a factor; but he's said that the reason why he doesn't want chidren is he doesn't want the responsibility of raising a kid and the financial aspect of it and the fact that he still hasn't done all the things he wants to do. Yesterday he told me that he still feels like a kid himself and wants to do things without the burden of a kid.
LastBlast, I'd love to be able to bring a child into my home -- even if it was just to foster them or help them out in some way. I've asked about doing something of that nature and his answer was still a solid no. He just doesn't want the obligation.
Manda, you're right. He could have fears about being a parent. Even though he doesn't really say that's the reason, it could still be why. My dad had also mentioned that same thing you said about him being jealous over the attention I might give to the kids instead of him. I honestly don't know. Only God and he knows the truth. Btw- I'm glad to hear that your friend had some help in counseling and now they're blessed with two daughters. That is extremely wonderful news.
Again, thank you everyone for the support and encouragement. Last week and this week has been a horrible struggle -- as I just found out that he had changed his mind again. I know that our Lord is Sovereign and everything will work out according to His good will; it's just hard when I'm not able to see God's reasons. Please keep me in your prayers. (((HUGS)))
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 7:55:44 PM
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MC4JC
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IMO unless both of you agree to children, its really not right or right to bring a child into the world that will not be loved by a mom and dad.
This is a tricky situation. He knows your desire to have them, but you know his desire is to not have them. IF you wind up getting pregnant, then what happens? Have you asked him? What would he want to do?
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 9:25:02 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 288
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From: Virginia
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Well, if he doesn't want kids and you do, I think attempting to "trick" him into a pregnancy would NOT be a good idea
It seems like you have 2 choices...continue in your marriage and live childless
OR..find a reason to divorce and quick find another husband and get pregnant.
So, now you have to decide what you're willing to live with...
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 10:30:28 PM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 459
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You see this is the kind of stuff that makes me upset.
Did you guys discuss this before getting married?
Was this something you knew about him before marrying him?
If he knew beforehand that he didn't want children and didn't let you know that he has defrauded you.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 10:39:32 PM
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deermousie
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I'm not sure who does this... maybe the Catholics (any Catholics here who can shed light on this?), that a marriage where one partner decides they don't want children, the marriage is considered fraudulent. They've got a point about children. God says He wants godly offspring from us married folk:
Malachi 2:15
But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
Yeah, the responsibility of having children weighs heavy on men, because they get a lot of their selfimage from their jobs and ability to support their families. Let's face it, kids are expensive. They change everything.
This is tough, and it would be really good to get some counseling from your pastor or a mature Christian. I am praying for you two tonight. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/22/2008 11:36:40 PM
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TorchHeart
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
I'm not sure who does this... maybe the Catholics (any Catholics here who can shed light on this?), that a marriage where one partner decides they don't want children, the marriage is considered fraudulent. They've got a point about children. God says He wants godly offspring from us married folk:
I'm Catholic, but I don't remember anything like that, personally. Though I'll admit, that doesn't necessarily mean it isn't the case. it might be something old that the Catholic church has since done away with, too.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/23/2008 12:38:20 AM
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Christian30
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I am so sorry about this, but I can't relate personally because I always wanted kids. (My kids are grown and I babysit little ones for fun.)
Even though he says his decision is unrelated to being abused, it still could be a factor. Just because he does not perceive himself like that doesn't mean it is not a factor... deep inside of him.
He said that there's nothing wrong with not wanting children, but you should ask him to pray to change his heart/mind. You want children, which is a good thing. The Bible is clear that the desire for a child is a positive thing and it is not depicted as negative.
See if he will go to counseling over this... can't remember if addressed in previous post.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/23/2008 2:18:07 AM
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Liv4Him06
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Thank you all very much for your replies, and especially for your prayers!
MC4JC: I definitely agree with you that a husband and wife should agree on bringing children into the world. It would be selfish otherwise. As for what happens if I got pregnant... I'd think that it was part of the Lord's plan and we'd deal with it. Of course I'd be happy. But I also know that everything is in God's control.
NotDoneYet: You are correct. I'd never want to "trick" my husband into having children with me. I'd want him to desire to have children on his own -- without any deception on my part. As far as having only two choices, I am going to be obedient to the Lord. I can't find anywhere in the Bible where it says that divorce is okay if a person wants children and the other doesn't. As much as it brings turmoil and pain, if it's the Lord's will for me not to have children, I must abide in Him and trust His will.
Child4Jesus: Yes, we discussed having children before marriage. He was in agreement and desired them as much as I did. In fact, we had planned on having children for the first couple years in our marriage; we just wanted to be finanically better off as we were young getting married (I was 18 - he was 21).
Deermousie: I completely understand how having kids could be a "burden" on a husband, especially since he has a lot of responsibility on his plate. On the same token, as you pointed out, God wants His children to be fruitful and multiply. It is in His will that we procreate. God also tells us in the Bible not to worry about what we will wear or eat, as He will take care of all of His childrens needs. Btw- I also wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading your posts. I usually lurk on this forum and have found your posts to be full of wisdom, compassion and love. Thanks for the prayers. They're much appreciated.
Christian30: Yes, I agree that being abused can be a factor in his decision. He doesn't talk about it, but you're right it can have an effect on his decision. I would love it if he'd pray to God about wanting to have kids but he won't. He told me not to even talk about having kids again. If I want to remain in this relationship, it's better if I keep my mouth closed on this subject. He also won't go to counseling over this. He feels like this decision is final and I should respect it.
Again, thanks for the replies and for the prayers. I just want God's will to be done. And if God doesn't want me to have kids, I just ask that He would take this desire away from me--as it's been extremely difficult lately.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/23/2008 9:48:50 AM
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MC4JC
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Sad that he won't go to counseling - not for the children part, but for himself to deal with the past abuse.
My husband was abused as a child (physically/verbally). He never talked about it with his ex-wife. They had 3 kids before divorce. Anyway, after we got married it was a few months and hubby talked for the first time about all the abuse he suffered (and I was also verbally abused by my ex-husband). I cried so much - not for myself, but for him (hubby) and couldn't imagine all he went thru. He never trusted his first wife to tell the story.
But since he has, he's been able to retell it to others and has healed from the abuse.
I would see if there is another person (male) who might have been thru abuse to tell their story and maybe your husband can open up and get counseling.
If so, that may get him to change his mind regarding abuse and children.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/23/2008 12:31:34 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6020
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Liv4Him06
I have been in counseling before, and so has he, but it wasn't issues pertaining to children. I definitely wouldn't mind going to counseling again, but I know he won't go. He thinks there's nothing wrong with not wanting children.
Well there isn't - if he'd told you up front. As it is, there IS something wrong with not wanting children.
Does he realise just how much you want them, or have you been afraid to tell him?
His reasons for not wanting children now just don't wash. I am concerned that what he may actually be doing is waiting until you're too old to have them.
I personally suggest you consider confronting him and giving him an ultimatum: to tell you the real reason, or go to counselling with you to find out the reason.
There is no way, 20 years from now, that, if you had children, he would look back and wish he hadn't had them. I am sure that both he and you will be far more likely to look back and wish you had had children.
Your husband needs to grow up and face his responsibilities to *you*. And you need to let him, rather than pandering to him.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 8/23/2008 12:49:55 PM
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Kerryannism
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Although he is your husband, having children is a huge life decision for anyone else to be making for you. You should be his main concern, your wants and needs. Since you married him with the understanding that he wanted a family and he cannot abide by that, its a deal breaker. If he has issues with his unfortunate upbringing, then he should seek help to resolve those issues as they are obviously interferring with his and your life.
This is a tough one for sure. You undoubtedly love him as you are together. The need for having children is inate in most women and to deprive you of that will be life altering for you and selfish of him. You will resent him and regret not having children. YOU may be in therapy for the decision HE has made for you.
I wish you all the best.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 9/4/2008 9:05:15 PM
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JMurray123
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Reading your story is like reading my own situation from someone else. I feel like you have looked into my heart and written what you have seen there.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. I am 25 and he is 26. Before we married we both wanted at least 4 children and had also talked about adoption on top of that. We also agreed that we would wait 3 to 4 years before doing anything so that we could build our marriage and grow together.
About 2 years after we were married my husband told me he had changed his mind about having children. When I got upset he told me it didn't mean forever, he just wanted to wait longer. Since then he has gone farther and farther away from wanting children. I can not even mention anything about having a child or even wanting one with out him completely loosing it. He gets so angry. I have become afraid to talk about it for the last 2 years. I have prayed and fasted and begged God to change his heart but he hasn't. I have also prayed for God to take away my desire but hasn't done that either. I am dying inside from misery and I don't know what to do.
My husband grew up in a Christian family, he has a good relationship with his parents. His dad didn't want children either, his mom got pregnant on birth control. And that scares me cause I know his dad was the same way. He wont even let me hold a baby at church cause he knows how bad I want one.
I deeply love my husband, but I have to admit I have allowed satan to put ideas into my head about leaving him lately. I know Gods will is for me to stay with my husband.
Please please please pray for me! I will pray for you as well. I know how you feel. I know exactly the kind of pain, brokenness and emptiness you have deep inside yourself. Maybe together, in some way, we will find victory together.
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 9/5/2008 3:41:23 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6006
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Liv4Him06, I don't have anything to add other than what's already been presented, but I wanted to share that I can sympathize with you. My ex and I discussed having children before we got married, and then he changed his mind! In fact, we discussed all kinds of things that he changed his mind about AFTER we were married.  I felt so incredibly betrayed. Defrauded as another poster stated. When I did find out that I was pregnant, I can assure you it was a huge surprise to both of us. Years later I learned that while he was "happy" about the pregnancy around me, behind my back he did nothing but complain about it. And about our son even after he was born. The feelings of betrayal still sting. 
Trust is a very precious thing between a husband and wife, and without it you have nothing. If he doesn't want children, do not trick him into it. Sad to say, but I tend to agree with NotDoneYet ... continue the marriage childless (and risk resentment towards your husband) or divorce him (in which case, you will have many other emotions to contend with).
All I can do is lift you and your marriage up to the Lord in prayer.
_____________________________
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 9/5/2008 11:44:25 PM
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KnowJesus
Posts: 264
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Liv4Him06 and JMurray123...Don't give up praying for your husbands desires to change.
God could bless you with a child, even without your husband's permission. God is still in control, and many babies have been conceived, even with birth control. Keep loving your husband and don't deny his desires, the more you are active in the marriage bed, your chances very well may increase. This isn't tricking him...this is loving him. And if God sees fit, he will bless both of you with a child. Children are a gift from God...I pray husbands as well, as wives would know this.
God bless
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 9/6/2008 10:55:14 AM
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sharonjef2007
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Well, I'll start off by saying that the situation with my husband and I is reversed.....he wants biological children and I do not. We do agree on adoption however.
Just remember this.....your responsibility is to love him, and his responsibility is to love you. And, it may be that he is also feeling pressured to buck up and have a family too. I know you are not doing it on purpose, probably just making your desires known. But, is there any way he is feeling backed into a corner, which is why his mind keeps changing?
I agree, keep loving him. Keep praying for Gods will in your marriage and family. But, drop the subject. Then the pressure may subside and he may come around on his own. Or, you may come around to not wanting children. He knows your desires, you have made them very clear. But, you know his deisres too. Pray about it and let God change the partner whose heart is not following His will.
_____________________________
my blog......Finally, a new last name!.......
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RE: Husband Doesn't Want Children - 9/6/2008 1:25:47 PM
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SuccessinTruth
Posts: 76
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KnowJesus gives some very good advice. Don't forget that God is in control, not you or your husband. Nothing is as powerful as prayer. As for fulfilling your own needs, even though you can't become a foster parent, there are still many children out there who need your love. You can do something as simple as baby-sitting or become a big sister. There are still institutions with orphans or abandoned children that you could volunteer at. There are hospitals who take volunteers to come in and just hold the sick babies that are there. None of this is like having your own child, but it can give you a fulfillment that you didn't know existed. Give that great love that you have to some of the children who so desperately need it and trust God with the rest that His will be done.
God bless you and comfort you.
_____________________________
May we Glorify the Lord in all that we say and do
SuccessinTruth
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