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Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/10/2008 9:14:25 PM
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Lady_of_Faith
Posts: 81
Joined: 9/18/2008
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About a year or so ago, I found some envelopes from some porn company in the drawer where we keep cookbooks and other stuff. When I questioned my husband, he said that they sent it to him by accident (yeah right). I didn't just fall out of the sky and I was hurt that he even said something like that. If it was an accident, why did you keep it?
He works graveyard as a dept manager at a grocery store. One day while putting some things away in the linen closet I found a brand new DVD portable layer still in the box. I was like 'cool' I could take this with me when I go to dialysis and watch movies. When I brought it to his attention, he wasn't happy I found it. To make this short, one night I walked in on him in our living with the blanket over his head and the DVD player, when he heard me, he quickly shut the monitor down. I knew what was up, but didn't say anything.
The porn junk still comes in the mail, even after buying a house this past July, I know he updated that with the company. Being a Christian, this bothers me. I want to confront this problem, but he gets on the defense about everything. This is even more disturbing because we hardly talk anymore or sleep in the same bed on his nights off. I know he has a lot of pressure on him because I'm sickly and we have a 10 yeard old to take care of. I don't work and the SSI money I received is nothing compared to the salary I use to earn, but still.....porn shouldn't be the answer or used as an outlet.
Please advise, I'm at the end of my rope. Sometimes I feel like a single parent.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/10/2008 9:19:12 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2550
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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I'm very sorry to hear you are sick and going through this. That is very sad.
I really don't have much advice, but I will repeat something that one of our mods said to another poster going through this. The mod herself is happily married, and her husband has never used porn, but she said that IF he did he could have ONE of TWO choices..her OR the porn..not both.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/10/2008 9:54:53 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 787
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Would you both try counseling?
Both of you are dealing with some very stressful issues
and from what I'm getting out of your post - the marital
bed is suffering due to his porn addiction and your illness?
Both of you need someone to talk with about the changes
your marriage is going through - your husband needs to address
his porn usage ASAP - your child needs both parents to make
his/her home a place of peace, love and security. Children are sensitive
to tension/stress going on inside the home.
Have you made your needs known to other family members or church members?
Let others know you could use some assistance and lots
of prayer.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/10/2008 10:20:25 PM
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Lady_of_Faith
Posts: 81
Joined: 9/18/2008
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I've brought up the option of counseling and he agreed to go, but whenever I plan on making an appointment, he always has an excuse as to why he can't go.
The thing is, I prefer being counseled by my pastor as he's a wonderful preacher/teacher. My husband was raised as a JW, which is another thorn in our marriage. I knew what I was getting into when I married him, but I prayed and kept the faith that my Christianity would shine. I'd seen it happen with my grandparents. He doesn't go to the "Hall" anymore, but that is how he was raised. So it's kind of a sticky situation.
So, I mentioned that Kaiser has maritial counseling services, but he complains that it conflicts with his off-days. The last thing I want to think about is divorce, because I stood before God and promised to love, honor my marriage til death. Funny, whenever we argue, he throws that in my face "so, you're giving up, those vows we spoke didn't mean anything to you?" -- well, his way of mocking me.
I've been miserable and depressed for quite some time. When we bought the house, I was still in a funk about the whole thing. Usually people are excited and happy, I was like 'whatever'. Since my family just about disowned me after finding out I was a Republican (another story), they don't have too much to say, since I'm a traitor to my race. 
So I really don't have much support from family, well, I do from my mother-in-law who says I should leave him because his father was the same way and that's the reason why she left. But my situation is different. When I have lupus flare ups and need to rush to the hospital, who's going to watch my son? He's only 10. I really can't live on my own right now. Despite everything, my husband has some good traits: he brings home the groceries, he'll keep the house spotless and make sure I'm comfortable, he'll cook and pays the bills, but there's more to marriage than that. I appreciate the help, but that's not enough. He reminds me of Dr. Jekell and Hyde. Nice one day, mean the next. He's been decent this week, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thanks for the replies and reading. Your concern really means a lot to me.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/10/2008 11:34:16 PM
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Kellgaste
Posts: 410
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Wyoming
Status: offline
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Hello my Lady of Faith,
Just want to ask a question of you: Have you tried the Birthday suit approach, when verbal is failing/failed?
<hugs>
-Kell
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/12/2008 11:27:59 AM
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netten1962
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline
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Lady_of_Faith
Please read my PM and let me know what I can do for you and your husband.
Not only your husband is guilty so asking him what he wants is not what you should do cause Jesus said about the punisment of a sinner, he who is without sins(nobody is) should throw the first rock.
So inspite of what all the people tell you to do it's God's Will to fight for your marriage and fight against the evil(pornography) by standing by his side and fighting together cause God made the woman out of the rib of the man, not from his backbones(backside) not from the front(frontside) but from the side of the man so next to man stands the woman and together they should unite against the evil that lives in this world.
May God's Grace and Blessing be upon you and your family.
Greetings,
Henk
a true follower of Jesus and Lord God
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/18/2008 1:12:10 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 787
Joined: 11/28/2005
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As for him mocking you - the same is true of your husband -
did the marriage vows mean anything to him? He stood before God
and made those same vows - both parties are responsible to honor them!
You don't have to divorce - many people separate and work on
their own issues... I've also known couples who lived under the same roof but had their own space.
Perhaps your counseling sessions can be done when your husband is at
work and your son is in school. Try to see if some kind of flexibility is possible due to your circumstances.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/24/2008 12:48:49 PM
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Lady_of_Faith
Posts: 81
Joined: 9/18/2008
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Here's an update:
On Monday 10/20, I was in the process of vacuuming my bedroom and the outlet is about ten inches from the opening of the door. Behind the door was the portable DVD player which I haven't seen in a while. Something told me that my good ole hubby was up to no good again so I opened the player and lo and behold it was a movie of the X-rated nature. I won't go into the gory details of the picture that was on the DVD, but I couldn't help thinking what if my son found it? Hiding it behind a door isn't a good place to put something knowing how your wife feels about porn.
So, I took the DVD and hid it but left the player open onto of the bed. All week long I didn't say a word and he's been ULTRA nice to me, making sure my every need is met. I had thoughts of taking that garbage and placing it under his tire so when he backs out of the driveway, it'll be destroyed.
I can't continue to live like this. Harboring secrets isn't good in any marriage and he obviously has a problem, but he has to be the one to admit it and if he really cares for and loves me like he claims to, he would get help. I can't force him to do so. All I can do is pray for him.
Well, the DVD is still hidden and I was smart to NOT hide it behind a door! Part of me wants to confront him about it, the other part, that's really beginning not to care anymore, wants to give it back to him and ask him to leave.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/24/2008 1:44:15 PM
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MisterTR
Posts: 41
Joined: 5/23/2008
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When I saw the movie Fireproof, when the wife said that she feels so humiliated when her husband looks at porn, it was an emotional revelation for me. Porn isn't a problem in my marriage, but it helped me understand why it's so wrong.
I suppose it would be too heavy-handed to take him to that movie. It's an emotional movie with a "on spot" message to your situation, however.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/25/2008 3:48:52 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
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You have a 10 year old son who needs to be protected. If he finds your husband's porn it will have an impact on him (in a negative way). IMO it's way past time to speak with your husband about this and let him know that his behavior is not acceptable. Set some boundaries and let him know what they are and what the consequences will be if he crosses them.
Sometimes people need to be made uncomfortable before they will change. You can't make him stop but you can strongly influence his decision.
Is your husband a Christian?
ETA: My husband and I (btw, dh is an ex-porn user) loved Fireproof. I don't think it would be "heavy handed" to take your husband to see it. IMO that would be one of the more gentle, subtle approaches.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/25/2008 10:03:06 PM
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Lady_of_Faith
Posts: 81
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Is your husband a Christian?
ETA: My husband and I (btw, dh is an ex-porn user) loved Fireproof. I don't think it would be "heavy handed" to take your husband to see it. IMO that would be one of the more gentle, subtle approaches.
No, he was raised as a JW, though he's not a practicing one now. I actually know more about JW's than he does, being I researched as to why that sect is so bizarre. ( I can just picture if he was a devoted JW and they learned of his porn addiction, he'll probably be oust  )
Someone sent me an PM and in my response I stated that I did want to see Fireproof with my husband, but when he heard that Kirk Cameron was staring, he refuses to see it. He knows Cameron is Christian and only works in Christian films.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/25/2008 10:53:35 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 787
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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He's being nice to you since he knows you
found his porn but being nice isn't the same as him
going for help.
If you're going to confront him about his porn be
prepared to back up any ultimatums that you issue.
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RE: Husband enjoys watching porn..... - 10/27/2008 5:03:37 AM
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MisterTR
Posts: 41
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline
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Another idea...
I had a similar issue with my wife. When I discovered her infidelities, I wanted to just lay down the law and say it had to stop. But I heard multiple sermons on the radio that day, and they all seemed to have the same message. Take the log out of your own eye before taking the speck out of your brother's eye. I was convicted.
I focused on myself before even raising the issue directly with her. I reflected and tearfully admitted my failings to her (being controlling, being judgmental, etc.) and repented and asked for forgiveness and changed my ways. I was much more loving and affirming. She warmed up to me and felt less lonely and more connected to me. THEN, gradually, my wife's heart softened and she began to change her ways and admit her failings and seek forgiveness.
I didn't do this perfectly, and we still have work to do, but with God's help, it's working. I never could have done it without letting Jesus work through me, and this has strengthened my faith. It was really hard to admit all my failings and realize that her sins were really not worse than mine in the big scheme of things.
Of course, there is the risk of getting hurt more. There's no guarantee on how a person will react when we admit our failings to them. It puts us in a vulnerable position. But, even if the response is not what we hope for, reflecting on our brokenness in a humble way brings us closer to God. It's at least an option worth considering.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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