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Husband is ruining our finances - 10/31/2008 2:51:47 PM
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ddsm
Posts: 1
Joined: 3/20/2008
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Well here it goes, me and my husband have been married for 8 years. My husband has always had a problem with finances. He never paid his bills on time, he had the money and just wouldn't pay them. It wasn't so bad for most of the time that we were married because i had told him that i would do the bills and take care of the house hold needs. At the time we were both working full time and as long as i was paying the bills we were on time and up to date with our finances. When i was pregnant for my first child, i was put on bed rest for about two months. My husband was paying the bills and i was giving him the money, come to find out, the bills never got paid. I was so angry, but yet i forgave him. I am now a stay at home mom and have been now only for about 2 years. My husband will not pay our bills on time, with me home we our actually saving money because by the time i left my job we were paying over 800 a month just for child care. Our car is paid off, and yet we have nothing to show for it. He gives me 100 a week wich i use on food, and other house hold needs. I have asked him time and time again to let me help with budgeting and doing the bills. He has opened an account that had at one time thousands of dollars in it. Now, i will be surprised if it even has 100 dollars. He says yes to my help but does not give me checks, or even put my name on the account. When we first were together i had an account, he had one, and we had a joint account. When he came into money, he emptied our joint account and opened this account that i am not part of. I was very hurt because he had this account for months before i ever found out. I only found out by accident. Every time i ask about a bill that has us sceduled for shut-off he tells me that it's not the right bill, and guesse what were shut off. I am really getting fed up. I don't know what more to do. He is a great husband but in finances he sucks. The best father a kid could have, but i just feel like he is moving us backwards instead of forwards. Please help, what should i do?
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RE: Husband is ruining our finances - 10/31/2008 6:29:26 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Go to your pastor and get good counsel. Or go to a Christian counseling service. If he won't go, you go alone. God bless you, dear one.
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RE: Husband is ruining our finances - 10/31/2008 7:11:29 PM
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kjdevlin
Posts: 8
Joined: 11/13/2005
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Sorry to hear this.
For me, I suck at keeping a check book in order and I struggle with paying bills on time. I wish I could explain why this is a problem but I can't.
What I can explain though is why its so tough to let go and let my wife do more. Thats called pride. We want to be able to take care of our families needs and even when we know we stink at it we insist because we would be admitting failure.
Another issue that you may be seeing is "control". He who controls the finances controls most everything that goes on. I have seen this before.
I agree whole heartedly that you seek help for both of you as soon as you can. Seek help from others in convincing him of this need if you must (pastor, friends).
Ken
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RE: Husband is ruining our finances - 11/1/2008 11:05:38 AM
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Auben
Posts: 1608
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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Being bad with money and forgetful about bills and taking all of your money (joint) and removing one person's access against their will are two different things.
I would insist on being on any bill-paying account because your credit is also at risk. I'm assuming his name alone is not on the bills. For me personally that would be a non-negotiable thing. It hides any abuses of the system.
Insist harder. This is worth a battle. It may be your families solvency at stake. Your husband has gotten himself into deep trouble and is trying to hide it.
Considering his past behavior I would also insist on paying the bills or paying them together.
In my opinion it's important to forgive mistakes. Some people are just not schooled in money or have difficulty with schedules. But this kind of control is not good for either partner. You need to have an open system no matter who is paying the bills.
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Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Husband is ruining our finances - 11/2/2008 11:45:19 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 8078
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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You have a personal responsibility for your finances. If your husband is withholding the means for you to be responsible for your finances, he is sinning. That is a very controlling and sinful thing to do. If you quit your job to stay home with the kids and he suddenly decided that all the money is his, you have to do something about it, if you are being responsible about your finances and your life. The two main issues here are:
- Your husband is in sin by trying to control you and take away your ability to handle your personal responsibilities.
- You have a personal responsibility and are allowing your husband to control an aspect of your life that you are accountable for.
You are not powerless in this situation. You have many options available to you. In order to see them more clearly you have to realize that this is about personal responsibility. You should not allow someone else to control you. That is not godly behavior. We are each responsible for ourselves. When we give up that responsibility to someone else, we are in sin. There is nothing wrong with sharing the responsibility, but people ought to be aware of what is going on in their realm of responsibility, because we will all be held accountable before God and possibly before a judge in a human court.
If your husband gets things so bad that he is sued, you will be sued as well. When you stand before a judge, what will be your response; “My husband did it?” That is not going to fly.
It’s not a matter of protecting yourself. It is a matter of taking personal responsibility for your life and not blaming the problems on someone else. You don’t have to allow your husband to do this to you. You really don’t. When you go to him, you need to have a plan about what you are going to do if he refuses to be in unity and to be responsible for the finances. You need a plan and you need one fast, because at the moment, you are in sin, because you have allowed this to go on. Of course, you need to confess this to the Lord, reject irresponsible behavior and begin to do what is right. It may be difficult to know what right is at the time, so you will have to get knowledge, understanding and wisdom. Seek the Lord and do not delay in making better choices and resolving this problem.
< Message edited by cynthia -- 11/2/2008 11:52:00 AM >
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Husband is ruining our finances - 11/2/2008 12:21:15 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8078
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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In my first post, I showed what the core issues are and what you should do about them, but did not discuss how to approach your husband. It is important that you do not go to him in anger or trying to assert your rights. This is not about rights. In marriage our attitude should not be asserting our rights, but about being in unity and taking personal responsibility for ourselves. When one member of the marriage decides to take over and deny the other the ability to handle their personal responsibility, it is a very serious issue and must be responded to seriously.
Responding seriously does not mean having an angry or demanding attitude. It does mean standing firm in what is right and working to come to agreement, based on truth. It also means not caving into bullying behavior, but relying on the Lord to help you stand firm in what is right and to be tenacious in resolving the problem, even if it means that you have to make decisions that go against sinful behavior that your spouse may exhibit. This is in order to meet your obligations and responsibilities.
Your husband needs lots of prayer. You say he is a good husband and father, but if he is squandering the finances, hiding things from you and trying to take away your ability to meet your person responsibilities, he is not being a good husband in this regard. It also makes me wonder if there may be something else going on that you are not aware of. Where is the money going? Why is he hiding it from you? Why is does he think it belongs only to him? Why would he try to take control and try to leave you powerless?
You stated that you have discussed this with your husband, but he didn’t follow through and it appears that he is not really serious about sharing this with you. When you speak to him in the future, you should do so on a day when you can immediately go to the bank together to take care of this situation. You should make sure that you have on-line access to all of the accounts and that you check them frequently, perhaps even daily for a while. This is not checking up on him. This is checking up on your finances and making sure you are aware of exactly what is going on. Again it is you responsibility to know what is going on with your money. You cannot let this slide.
Your husband needs to hear from you that you will not continue to be irresponsible with your money or your life. When you approach him, this is the angle I would recommend. When there are issues this serious going on, it is important to be prepared for a terrible response. There could be things going on that you had not been aware of. Your husband could become very angry. Things could seriously escalate. You should be aware of this and prepared. Perhaps you should be prepared to call the police if he becomes violent. I recall a point in my marriage when I confronted my husband and didn’t know if he might leave me. Thank God he didn’t, but he did get really angry. If he does get angry, keep focused on the truth and your responsibility and resist the urge to respond in anger.
I would also suggest marriage counseling from a reputable Christian counselor. These issues are symptoms of things that must be addressed and resolved.
< Message edited by cynthia -- 11/2/2008 12:36:38 PM >
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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