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Husband with homosexual urges - 9/25/2008 10:18:48 AM
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straightwife
Posts: 1
Joined: 9/25/2008
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I found out in Feburary that my husband of 14 years had been having mostly anonymous sexual encounters with men for the past 9 years. Has anyone else gone through this who could provide insight on the road ahead of us?
We have three children (12, 9, 6). I have forgiven him, but remain extremely hurt, scared, insecure. I wonder how to restore trust in this marriage which I feel God telling me to stick it out, work it out, give it time, etc. We are both in counseling, because I demanded it. Husband thought he could just "stop it" and move on. He and I both want healing and restoration of the marriage. He is adamant that he is not homosexual, that he wants to be with me and has not acted out since August of 2007.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/25/2008 10:27:31 AM
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dianetavegia
Posts: 2034
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
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Oh how awful. I'll pray for your family, especially for you.
I can't imagine what you're going through. Have you been tested for disease? Has your husband?
Your husband IS a homosexual if he has had sex with other men. I would think he needs to admit that fact to admit he has sinned.
_____________________________
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/25/2008 1:54:03 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 787
Joined: 11/28/2005
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I'm very sorry this has happened to you and your family!
Your husband needs to be truly honest with himself... he is a homosexual.
It's one thing to have urges but he didn't flee from temptation he gave in
to the urges and pursued partners so he could engage in that lifestyle.
He betrayed you, the children and God by plotting his encounters with other men and engaged in illicit sexual activities and he did this for 9 years(according to your post.)
Until he's honest with himself and you... he's delaying getting restored/healed.
Do not engage in unprotected sex with your husband...
I encourage you and him to be tested for HIV - ASAP!
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/25/2008 2:54:20 PM
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1love1God1way
Posts: 2388
Joined: 5/16/2005
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quote:
Until he's honest with himself and you... he's delaying getting restored/healed.
Do not engage in unprotected sex with your husband...
I encourage you and him to be tested for HIV - ASAP!
Agreed.
_____________________________
love.ben
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/25/2008 3:57:37 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 70
Joined: 6/10/2008
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The closest I ever came to a situation like this was when I found out that my first love is now a gay man. We were never married and we never had children together, but I still understand what a bitter pill it is to swallow. The scriptures are clear on the homosexual issue. It is up to him to come to terms with his sin and repent. I've known several men that have chosen the homosexual way of life, and I'm sorry to say that I don't know any that have come out of it and stopped doing it. This isn't to say that there isn't hope. If your husband is truly sorry and wants to stop that behavior he can be successful. But from what you said in your post about him being in couseling "because you demanded it", it doesn't sound like this change is coming from his heart. Please be careful about your sexual activity with him. I agree with the others about getting tested for HIV. You can't restore trust if your partner hasn't made himself trustworthy. I admire your desire to keep your family in tact. Anything is possible with Christ. I wish you the best.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/25/2008 4:21:07 PM
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URForgiven
Posts: 1085
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: straightwife
I found out in Feburary that my husband of 14 years had been having mostly anonymous sexual encounters with men for the past 9 years. Has anyone else gone through this who could provide insight on the road ahead of us?
We have three children (12, 9, 6). I have forgiven him, but remain extremely hurt, scared, insecure. I wonder how to restore trust in this marriage which I feel God telling me to stick it out, work it out, give it time, etc. We are both in counseling, because I demanded it. Husband thought he could just "stop it" and move on. He and I both want healing and restoration of the marriage. He is adamant that he is not homosexual, that he wants to be with me and has not acted out since August of 2007.
Cross Ministry
This site may be of help to you. God bless you.
Peace
_____________________________
"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit,
are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" Galatians 3:3
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/26/2008 12:51:41 PM
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Row1
Posts: 249
Joined: 12/2/2005
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quote:
I wonder how to restore trust in this marriage...We are both in counseling, because I demanded it.
Your husband messes up, and violates vows and commitments he made with you and has to his family...
And it is YOUR job to determine HOW to get back to trust, and YOUR job to develop a game plan to make things get to normal?
What am I missing here?
It is HIS job.
It is your husband's task to figure out from you what will HE need to do to regain trust from you. It is your husband's task to figure out how he can avoid getting into behaviors he enjoys but has decided to avoid.
Why is this your burden, not his? And why has your counselor not shifted focus onto your husband's responsibility to live up to commitments to wife and children?
I like to drive fast. I wish I could play 18 holes of golf every day. I wish I could spend my income on fancy clothes. I wish I could run up all of my credit cards, and borrow mad money against my home equity and have some fun. But I don't.
We all have behaviors we would love to indulge in, if only there were little or no consequences. But that is not the real world. Your husband, just like the rest of us, has desires that he has to forget about because he is a family man.
He needs to figure out how to manage this, with input from you.
Otherwise your relation to him is like parent to child. For my children, because they are younger than 18 (legal age to be adult), I am in charge of supervising bedtime, how to treat others, not eating too much candy, etc. I lay down rules and hand out consequencs. But I do not do that stuff with my wife - we discuss and negotiate things. I don't run up credit card bills and expect her to bail me out. I don't get arrested for drunk driving and expect her to bail me out, then for her to find me an AA meeting, and fill out my attendance form, so the judge and probation officer are happy.
I would seriously consider the degree that you are in role of wife versus role of parent / 'codependent.' If you are in role of parent, to some degree, that may have kept 'husband' in child role to the extent that he reached adulthood chronologically but does not recognize and take on adult responsibility - leaving him free like a kid to follow desires without much restraint.
"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways." From 1st Corinthians - I believe this is a deliberate giving-up that many of us men need to purposely do in order to fulfill our roles and commitments as men, not boys.
The same-sex desire is part of the problem you are in, but consider that there are husbands having affairs outside of marraige with females. Some issues are different, but some are the same - a guy who chooses to not restrain himself in the face of desires - like a child, not a man. So, don't get too focused on the same-sex desire aspect because you and he also have a problem with his overall ability to delay and avoid satisfying desires when that interferes with adult commitments and obligations.
Does that make sense?
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/29/2008 10:40:21 AM
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Simway
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I know someone who had to deal with this same thing. It sounds like you husband is in denial that he has a problem. He does.
One thing he needs to do is to admitt the problem, then dug into his own life to get some understanding as to " Why ", I expect it will go back to his childhood and the relatioship with his father, more importantly the lack of one. There was some need, support or whatever that was not met, and he is seeking ways to meet that need or needs as his case maybe. Once this is done he will be much better able to handle the confussions that go along with being gay. Not to say he will not be tempted he will,,but he will be better able to cope with the temptations.
About the couceling , is he going to satify you or is he going of his own free will? If he is going to please you it isn't going to do much to change the situation. He can change if he wants, I think his intentsions are good, many who are gay do want to change but don't know how, like any other addition, it takes time to heal, and alot of time. Pray for him. as well as yourself. Having a family to think about makes things harder to handle, the children have to be considered here, and how all this plays our is going to have it's effect on them. Don't think they don't sense something is going on, they do.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/29/2008 10:51:47 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6018
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Simway
One thing he needs to do is to admitt the problem, then dug into his own life to get some understanding as to " Why ", I expect it will go back to his childhood and the relatioship with his father, more importantly the lack of one.
Or he may have been molested as a child.
This might explain his sexual confusion.
straightwife,
Hoping that you both continue in counselling and that it helps both of you work through this.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/30/2008 3:50:30 PM
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Simway
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Yes he could have been molested as a child, and that would expain much of what is going on here. And whatever the reason (s) he has to be honest witih himself and with the coucelor. He has also got to allow God to come into his life, and bring the healing that only he can bring. It isn't easy while it's going on, but well worth it in thelong run. He will be a much person and better husband and father as well. Simway
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 9/30/2008 11:17:28 PM
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4evaFaithful
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline
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http://www.exodus-international.org/
From their website:
For 30 years, Exodus has served men and women who are affected by homosexuality. Freedom is possible through Jesus Christ! Our member ministries provide support not only for those leaving homosexuality, but for affected family and friends.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/2/2008 4:08:10 PM
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DuckTalk
Posts: 221
Joined: 9/16/2008
From: A Duck Hole in Tennessee
Status: offline
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Has the direct question been asked of him, "If you do not consider yourself a homesexual, then why would you have sex with a man?" or "Then, are you bisexual?".
Very direct questions that require a basic explanation.
I would think that if he enjoyed sex with men, that he is homosexual or bisexual & it is your decision to go throught the rest of your life fighting this sickness with him.
_____________________________
Sufferin' sassafrass. The nerve of some people, profitting from other people's miseries.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/6/2008 11:16:32 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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quote:
Until he's honest with himself and you... he's delaying getting restored/healed.
Do not engage in unprotected sex with your husband...
I encourage you and him to be tested for HIV - ASAP!
I agree with this, and I think the AIDS testing is a good idea.
I would like to just ask, however, why people are stressing the AIDS testing here? Just because of the homosexual intercourse? I'm wondering because I've seen other threads where wives/husbands have engaged in extra-marital affairs and I don't see this brought up.
Maybe I'm just missing this, or are we stereotyping simply because these were homosexual encounters rather than ones we deem as "normal"? I'm not justifying what he did (its wrong on a number of levels), but this intrigued me.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/6/2008 11:25:13 AM
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ChelaW
Posts: 115
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline
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TorchHeart,
Regarding people bringing up HIV testing, it's not a homosexual stereotype. It's just that HIV (and other STDs for that matter) are more easily passed and contracted by a certain type of sex many homosexual men participate in (if you know what I mean). That type of sex is higher-risk for anyone, but I think more homosexual men participate in it than heterosexual couples. That's why people always bring that up.
But in ANY extramarital affair, and STD & HIV test is in order immediately!
Hope this clears it up!
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/6/2008 11:53:04 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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I understand that. I just thought it was going through the stereotype that "all homosexuals have AIDS" or something like that, rather than anal sex causing people to be more prone to contracting HIV.
I do agree with the idea of STD testing after ANY extra-marital affair. Especially if the person involved in the infidelity has had multiple partners (regardless of gender).
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/7/2008 9:46:56 AM
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frazzledmom
Posts: 179
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline
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Hey Straightwife,
My heart goes out to you. What a difficult situation. I second the suggestion to check out the resources available at the exodus website. If you don't find what fits your needs there, you might check out www.sexaddict.com. There are excellent resources for partners that deal with the many emotions-betrayal, anger, depression.....These are primarily targeted at partners who are affected by the fallout of pornography addiction, but many of the emotions and issues are the same when dealing with extra-marital affairs of any sort.
Hang on to the fact that God is bigger than our circumstances and problems.
Best Wishes to you
Frazzledmom
_____________________________
I hear, I forget.
I see, I remember.
I do, I understand.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/7/2008 9:03:03 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8053
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dianetavegia
Your husband IS a homosexual if he has had sex with other men. I would think he needs to admit that fact to admit he has sinned.
Sorry but this is untrue. No one is a homosexual. It is not a characteristic, it is a mental disease caused by trauma. Simway and Manda mentioned two of the top three causes, 1) an absent or insufficent relationship withone's father, 2) being molested or otherwise abused as a child. (The third, but much lesser, is relentless teasing by ones peers during the formative years.
Since it is not a characteristic it is curable. 100% of the time, IF the person wants to be cured.
He needs to be in treatment. National Association for the Reparative Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) does secular treatment. Exodus International does religious based treatment. Both are about as successful as Treatment for alcoholism.
One thing that you both need to remember is that it is both a sickness and an addiction. Sometimes it takes a couple tries to get free of it.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/14/2008 4:46:45 PM
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momma07
Posts: 65
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline
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I'd also like to add, that aside from the battle he is facing with homosexual tendancies...clearly it is a battle of faithfulness. It doesn't make it any better or worse that his infidelity was with the same sex. He also needs to repent for breaking the vows and commitment he made with you. It isn't just a matter of if he is homosexual or not. His fidelity is in question. Say he gets over these tendancies, which I believe are strongly tied to lust. Whats to stop him from continuing in this lustful behavior with other women? I am not trying to give you more to worry about, but just to point that there is more at issue than his sexuality. His faithfulness and vows to you have been broken.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/14/2008 8:48:51 PM
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casalys
Posts: 11
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The Florida Space Coast
Status: offline
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I would like to say that I have been through this with my husband and my brother. My husband never claimed to be homosexual and clearly isn't. He cheated with men and women, but when you have a sex addiction, men are easier to come by. He is quite ashamed of that. My brother lived as a proud homosexual Christian for about 4 years before conviction came, and he changed. He has been free for about 4 years now and got married this summer to a girl who has known him since right before the change of heart. There is hope and I will write more later.
Christa
Edited to add: BTW, I have been a member for over 3 years and have made more than 50 posts, if not a lot more, so I don't know why it says that.
_____________________________
Christa
Wife to Jack, Mother to Alyssa, Cassandra, Brian, and Lydia
Freedom is knowing I can't be good enough for God.
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RE: Husband with homosexual urges - 10/15/2008 12:48:01 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1635
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
quote:
Until he's honest with himself and you... he's delaying getting restored/healed.
Do not engage in unprotected sex with your husband...
I encourage you and him to be tested for HIV - ASAP!
I agree with this, and I think the AIDS testing is a good idea.
I would like to just ask, however, why people are stressing the AIDS testing here? Just because of the homosexual intercourse? I'm wondering because I've seen other threads where wives/husbands have engaged in extra-marital affairs and I don't see this brought up.
Maybe I'm just missing this, or are we stereotyping simply because these were homosexual encounters rather than ones we deem as "normal"? I'm not justifying what he did (its wrong on a number of levels), but this intrigued me.
I always recommend testing for STDs anytime there has been infidelity.
But homosexual sex is more likely to break the body's natural barriers resulting in bleeding and as you know, HIV needs fluid to blood contact to transmit. Homosexual activity in men is the double-score to the underline of infidelity.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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