|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/27/2008 11:01:19 PM
|
|
|
wlb03
Posts: 4
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
|
I do not know where else to turn. My marriage is at a very bad point that I want out. My husband and I started going to our Pastor for marriage advise. This did not last, we cancelled an appointment months ago and have not gone back. I just found crosswalk on our church website and here I am. My husband and I are at the point that we are no longer nice to each other much. He has faults on all my actions and I know I am negative towards him. I feel like we can't get back to good at this point.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/27/2008 11:23:54 PM
|
|
|
huckfinn327
Posts: 305
Joined: 1/30/2007
Status: offline
|
Dear Wendy8.
1Co 13:4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
1Co 13:5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
1Co 13:6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
1Co 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Co 13:8 Love never ends.
Will pray for you.
Huckfinn
_____________________________
NO-REMARRIAGE-THIS-SIDE-OF-DEATH .... JESUS TAUGHT CREATION MARRIAGE
www.jesusremarriagekeller.com
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/27/2008 11:30:35 PM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1026
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
|
You can't get "back to good" ... at least not "at this point."
If you want to get a little better each day, gather your strength in the LORD, because it is not easy to bring grace into a household.
(1) Forgive (him for all the hurts.)
(2) Forget (about him. Let him mind his own issues. Let him be responsible for his own feelings and actions. Decide to focus solely on your own behaviour.)
(3) Give (Be nice. Always. No matter what. Keep drawing kindness from the love of God and spewing it on him.)
(4) Tell the truth (from your heart. But ONLY about you, not about him, or what he does to you. Just about you. Be vulnerable.)
(5) Repeat (When he hurts you, start again at step 1. When he stops hurting you all the time, you'll only have to start again at step 3.)
*** Disclaimer: Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviour in which one partner intentionally tries to gain control over the other by hurting and belittling them. I don't mean words of anger in a fight, but a calculated desire to drive the other person down and dominate them. If this is your case, ignore everything I've written. Do NOT stay with an abusive man. ***
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/28/2008 6:18:31 AM
|
|
|
3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2509
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
1) Forgive (him for all the hurts.)
(2) Forget (about him. Let him mind his own issues. Let him be responsible for his own feelings and actions. Decide to focus solely on your own behaviour.)
(3) Give (Be nice. Always. No matter what. Keep drawing kindness from the love of God and spewing it on him.)
(4) Tell the truth (from your heart. But ONLY about you, not about him, or what he does to you. Just about you. Be vulnerable.)
(5) Repeat (When he hurts you, start again at step 1. When he stops hurting you all the time, you'll only have to start again at step 3.)
^ This!
If you take responsibility for your own behavior, and change it, then there is hope. It is easy to get into that nasty cycle, and it is easy to expect the other person to change first. The harder thing is to say "I've been wrong" and be the first one to step up and do the right thing, but ultimately that has a greater reward than "standing on your rights" and returning every slight with your own nastiness. If you want your marriage to be repaired, you be the one to step up and break the cycle.
Here's another thing: even if your marriage still fails, you will still take *your* faults into the next marriage. So whether or not it saves your current marriage, becoming a better wife and learning to take responsibility for your actions is in your best interests. 
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/28/2008 6:48:47 AM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1642
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
If you take responsibility for your own behavior, and change it, then there is hope. It is easy to get into that nasty cycle, and it is easy to expect the other person to change first. The harder thing is to say "I've been wrong" and be the first one to step up and do the right thing, but ultimately that has a greater reward than "standing on your rights" and returning every slight with your own nastiness. If you want your marriage to be repaired, you be the one to step up and break the cycle.
Here's another thing: even if your marriage still fails, you will still take *your* faults into the next marriage. So whether or not it saves your current marriage, becoming a better wife and learning to take responsibility for your actions is in your best interests.
Exactly right. But it's not just to learn for the next marriage, it's what God calls us to do. You're only responsible for you and being the wife God called you to be. You're not responsible for him, for what he does or doesn't do. If you spend your time and energy focusing on being the best wife you can be, as unto the Lord, stop wasting time and energy and emotion on what he's doing or not doing, you'll see things start to change.
Living with someone walking with the Lord and in love and grace (supernatural if necessary) toward you, a person has to respond one way or another. He may respond in kind, turning his heart toward you and toward the Lord. Or he may harden his heart toward both you and the Lord - it's his choice. God wont make him get in line. But He'll keep you and protect and guide you and you'll walk in His blessing whatever direction your marriage takes.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/28/2008 8:11:16 AM
|
|
|
Eliza08
Posts: 1
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
|
Wendy8 I don't know how long you've been married, but I can share my current marriage failings to you. I have been married (second & last time) for 13 yrs. Neither of my marriages were with Christ's blessings, I was born again 8 yrs ago. I have stayed in an abusive marriage because when God came in to my life I learned to not give up, and I believed as a Christian divorce was just wrong. But I've learned so much in the last few years. I've learned my inner voice IS God and he wants me to follow him. God actually has for years but I've been controlling my life. As pbaribeault stated to you abuse is calculated and done with purpose to control another person. Two years ago I had the police put my husband out of the house for physical abuse, he had refused up to that point to get help. Now I'm not talking about a ignorant un-churched husband here. He is an extremely intelligent, successful 'white collar' man. I suppose that's part of the problem for me. I have not recognized how skilled someone could be at this kind of behavior. He'll say I'm exaggerating his behavior, or puts it on me, that I cause his outbursts. So against my friends/co-workers wishes I took him back. He stopped the physical abuse but has turned it more as verbal abuse. He has outbursts that are very hateful and my 18 year old daughter moved out two weeks ago because of it. My house is like death. I didn't leave with her two years ago so now I lost her. Do you have children? It is not a good environment for children to be in, without love. He can still tell me I have him all wrong, he's not manipulative and controlling. Now two years later I have a new set of friends, co-workers and doctors and they can see it so clearly. I have a host of physical problems that seem to be coming from all the stress in my marriage. I won't go in to all the horrid details for the past 13 years, but I can say there's a point where God does not want this kind of physical pain for wives and children. I hate the idea of divorce, but this is where we are heading. I think my situation is much different that yours, I will pray for you and your husband. I welcome any comments anyone would like to post for me, this is a very difficult time....
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/28/2008 9:53:10 AM
|
|
|
restinginHim
Posts: 432
Status: offline
|
Heavenly Father in the name of your Son Jesus the Messiah please shine Your face upon these troubled women and their lives. Protect them under Your wings and grant them the wisdom and counsel and guidance by Your Holy Spirit.
My 1st marriage was abusive and ended in divorce. It was during the troubles of my current marriage that i was born again.
I agree with all the advice given above. Certainly you have to forgive and focus on your relationship with the LORD. Because the enemy will certainly try to infiltrate your thoughts and your speech. So put on the armor of GOD!
Therefore take up the whole armor of God,
that you may be able to withstand in the evil day,
and having done all, to stand.
Ephesians 6:13
_____________________________
"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love." John 15:9
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/28/2008 10:37:50 AM
|
|
|
dianetavegia
Posts: 2034
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
Status: offline
|
Do you believe God is all powerful? Then don't fall for Satan's lie that this marriage cannot be saved.
Please, begin treating your husband as if you love him with all your heart and as if he is the nicest man in the world. Be kind and supportive. Speak only uplifting words. Do not respond to unkind remarks.
PRAY for your husband every time he crosses your mind.... not that God will change him, but that God will bless him, keep him well and guide him.
Don't give up!
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: IS MY MARRIAGE TOO FAR GONE? - 8/30/2008 11:48:57 AM
|
|
|
scarlet812
Posts: 1
Joined: 8/30/2008
Status: offline
|
Your marriage is not too far gone if you have not given up on making it work, and since you asked for help, I think you still want to try. That being said, I do not think it is God's will that anyone be in a home where they are being abused, but you didn't phrase it that way, so I hope that is not the case; if it is, get to a safe place and try to work on your marriage from a distance. Will it ever be hearts & flowers like in the beginning? Probably not, but that is not a real state of being anyway, so perhaps you can just focus on making your daily lives a little more pleasant, as a starting point. Sometimes "Fake it 'till you make it" can be a helpful way to start - even if you don't feel like being nice to him, slap a smile on your face and do it anyway. It may become a habit and start to feel completely natural, and it may rub off on him - you never know. Isn't it funny how we can pull off being nice to folks in the outside world even when we don't feel like it, but we forget to do that at home?
I don't know what has happened between the two of you to get you to this point, but I read somewhere that forgiveness is best done all at once - it's a decision, and it has to be just like gathering up all the trash in the house and putting it all out on the curb to go. I try to remind myself that if Jesus could forgive the people who nailed him to the cross, surely we can find it within ourselves to forgive another person for what they've done. I have been struggling for many months to forgive the person who unfairly fired me, and I am not saying it's easy, because it's not, but it is possible. I continually have to ask God's help to keep me from negative thoughts about that situation and person.
I am also a firm believer in getting help from professionals if you need it. If going to counseling as a couple isn't working, or you just don't want to, or whatever, that doesn't mean you can't go yourself - it is helpful just to have someone to talk to. If you don't have a good rapport with your pastor, perhaps you can find another faith based counselor, or any counselor at all. I came across the Christian Blue Pages at the grocery - that is like the Yellow Pages but for Christian businesses...maybe you can find someone through something like that?
Since I am in amateur counselor mode here, I wonder if you would benefit from making a list of the things that made you want to be with him in the first place, as well as his overall good qualities. I heard Joel Osteen's wife quoted as saying "I just don't focus on his shortcomings" when asked what they were. Often the things that attract us to someone are qualities that we subconsciously feel we lack, but then it seems those very things drive us nuts later on - aren't we funny creatures? I try to be very honest with myself about my own shortcomings, just so I can try not to give in to them, and I remind myself to appreciate my husband putting up with that stuff. It's also helpful to me to remember that God gives me a choice...I remember once telling myself "Okay, I can choose to be mad all the time about him [doing whatever it is that really bugs me] , or I can choose not to be mad." Not being mad feels a lot better.
For me personally, being married is hard because I am naturally a loner, I struggle with mood swings & depression, and I get easily bogged down in life's daily nonsense, distracting me from what's really important. Most of the time, I really have to work at being affectionate, being friendly, etc. to my spouse, and sometimes I am not so good at it. Most of the time, I'd just rather be by myself reading a book, whereas he is just the opposite - he does not enjoy being alone at all. He's a non-believer, so I feel strongly that I must be an example of the peace Christ can provide, as that is the only way I can "minister" to him. If it weren't for our little girl, I may have given up, but I think that's just one of the many ways in which she is gift from God.
God bless you and give you the fortitude to press on and through.
Sincerely,
TA
Live as if everything you do will be known.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
