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I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/14/2008 8:47:06 PM
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delete123
Posts: 945
Joined: 6/1/2005
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to my mother.
To make a long story short, my mother suffers from parkinson's disease and had an incident yesterday with her husband. He couldn't get her up the stiars and had to drag her up after the 3rd stair. Well she got hurt and started having chest pains and refuses to go to the drs.
She stopped her medication about a year ago. Which is par for the course, it took us 2 year to gt her to take it.
Anyhow, we are not close and she betrayed me when I divuldged to her what had happened to me. She also was abusive verbally and mentally and back in my late 20s she stated (unfortunately in front of my brother) expressed that if she could start her life over, she would not have had any of us.
Growing up, my life never consisted of hugs, kisses,I love yous, or great job. I actually lost my education raising their son. (I'm a 9th grade drop out. because of it.)
But 3 days before this incident she had I plainly heard her call me and believe maybe her time is short. She has done some really aweful things to me, however she is the mother God had given me.
I was thinking of writing her a letter, but not to state the horrible things she did, but to say that I am grateful that she gave me life and irregardless f our differences that I love her. So if she has any doubts she wil at least have that peace.
I say this because one day she told my my other sister told her how she was never there for us. She look at me for an answer, so I told her, "Well you weren't, but the circumstances at that time did not allow you to be."
(Which is partly true)
I don't visit them often and with good reason (I learned of the icident from my other sister.)
So my question is, should I write her a letter? And if it were you what would you say?
I probably left out a lot of details, but no one has that much free time, lol!
Ok, thanx
CRH
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/14/2008 9:26:14 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1843
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Wow! You've covered alot of ground and I believe you when you say you left alot out. I'm sorry for all you've experienced.
Your mother did not have the love to give you that you needed. Only Jesus does.
If you know His love and have found the satisfaction only He can give, write and tell her of His love. Don't speak to her love (or lack). Speak of Jesus for He is the Love we ALL long for. And it is obvious she longs for His love as well.
She knows not what she has done and could not have done otherwise. Bless her and love her. That's what Jesus would do.  LL
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/15/2008 1:29:17 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3585
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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Always be very careful about writing letters. Never write in a letter what you can just as well say face-to-face. What you write in a letter, even with all good intentions, can come back to haunt you.
With that written, I heavily suggest that if you decide to write the letter, write it, then put it away for 3 - 7 days, then look at it again. If you still like it, maybe you should send it, but give yourself plenty of time for at least one revision.
You seem prepared to write a very nice, thoughtful letter, but I would caution you on one more thing:
quote:
but to say that I am grateful that she gave me life and irregardless f our differences that I love her
Do your best to just not say the part I colored blue. In a letter, it is truly best not said, because no matter what your intentions, it can be taken as an accusation.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/15/2008 3:03:22 AM
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Annie64
Posts: 915
Joined: 6/4/2007
From: Indianapolis, IN
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Yes. Write the letter. You'll always regret it if you don't. But the person who said to put it away for a few days and then read it over again is right. Give yourself a lot of time. But more importantly, put a lot of prayer into it. But don't let yourself get paralyzed giving yourself time for revision, and don't just keep revising and revising and wondering if it's good enough. That would be very easy to do. At some point you'll have to bite the bullet and do with the letter what is intended to do with a letter. Send it.
_____________________________
On Christ the solid rock I stand
ALL other ground is sinking sand.
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/15/2008 4:08:57 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6929
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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Write the letter. Whether or not you give it to her is something you can decide at a later date.
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/16/2008 11:35:18 AM
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preserved
Posts: 778
Joined: 6/12/2007
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What do you hope to accomplished by writing this letter?
Your mother now has parkinson's disease..I ask you what would Jesus do? Love her the best to your abilities in spite of as God would have you to do...Other wise when her time is up...you may regret words and feelings that could have been given to God to handle..
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/16/2008 5:58:50 PM
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imit8him
Posts: 230
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I'm very sorry CRH to hear about your mother's disease. I'm sure it makes it that much more difficult to communicate with her, given her condition. I really empathize with the pain you feel of being neglected and treated poorly by your mother as well, since I too had similar experiences growing up. Just the same, my own mother also suffers from illness - though not as severe as Parkinson's Disease.
One thing in listening to others talk and even going through a lot of similar pains myself, I have seen that our natural reaction to loving someone is often in direct relationship to how much we feel they love us back. At the very least, it makes it easier to love someone who loves us back. That often seems to be human nature. And when the person(s) who is supposed to be our caretaker or guardian (whether biological or not) does not and/or cannot give us what we are expected to receive - mostly in terms of love - it is that much harder to love them back. It hurts the most. The expectations are much higher in our hearts for our parents than with others, because that's what parents are supposed to offer. That's why I have always felt the deepest hurt in broken relationships with my parents than with other people. There's a greater expectation that was not fulfilled. And consequently, that's why it is also harder to mend that relationship.
I wonder if this has also been the same for you?
In my case, I realize there are too few ways that my mother can actually make up for her wrongs to me, because of all the damage that has taken place for years. Part of me wants to demand it, as if it were a money debt to be repaid. And I often feel both anger and hurt over such disappointment in life. Though now I see that as long as I am still angry and even rightfully hurt that I also cannot truly love my mother or even others or myself as much. In focusing on what is missing, I cannot often make the best of what I do have, nor move healthily forward to something better. ...This is a matter of the heart I speak of. But it can also affect other areas of life as well.
I greatly hope you can allow God to heal your heart through closeness with Christ and let Him fill your wounds with His perfect Love.  In allowing God to enter into your heart in those deepest places of hurt, you will be made whole in love. This is my prayer for you.
I do hope and pray that you have the chance to love your mother in ways she never showed you growing up. It may begin with writing a letter or doing small chores to help take care of her needs. But with each act of love, it heals the heart and makes possible an opening to restore a relationship once broken between the two of you.
I've often been told in my own situation (from relatives) that my mother, in fact, knows her neglect and hurts she has caused me, but struggles with guilt and regret and does not know how to fix things. Sometimes this may be the case with others as well....It may also be possible your mother is longing deep in her heart to hear from you and to also restore a relationship. If that is the case, your letter or actions of love will merge with her heart goals as well and this may be God's beginning of something new.
Seek God's presence and love. Ask Him to guide you through all of this. I think this may be something that He wants to work and help you with.
I would be more than happy to also pray for you and talk.
In Christ, 
-Imit
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/17/2008 9:33:42 PM
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delete123
Posts: 945
Joined: 6/1/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
What do you hope to accomplished by writing this letter?
Your mother now has parkinson's disease..I ask you what would Jesus do? Love her the best to your abilities in spite of as God would have you to do...Other wise when her time is up...you may regret words and feelings that could have been given to God to handle..
The only thing I was thinking of accomplishing was giving her warm fuzzies and nothing else. I am not looking to write anything about my childhood and what I saw, what she did, or what she allowed.
Just a simple I was thinking of you today and want you to know I love you. I will probably add from what Liveloved wrote that I know someone who loves you more than me and for her to trust in Him.
Nothing less and nothing more. I have not walked in her shoes so I have no clue why she was or what made her to be the person she was. I am just accepting that is who she is.
I expect to gain nothing, but maybe she will gain something. Maybe I care too much who are sick and dying. After all I worked in that field for many years.
But thanx for asking
CRH
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/17/2008 9:43:41 PM
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delete123
Posts: 945
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imit8him
I'm very sorry CRH to hear about your mother's disease. I'm sure it makes it that much more difficult to communicate with her, given her condition. I really empathize with the pain you feel of being neglected and treated poorly by your mother as well, since I too had similar experiences growing up. Just the same, my own mother also suffers from illness - though not as severe as Parkinson's Disease.
One thing in listening to others talk and even going through a lot of similar pains myself, I have seen that our natural reaction to loving someone is often in direct relationship to how much we feel they love us back. At the very least, it makes it easier to love someone who loves us back. That often seems to be human nature. And when the person(s) who is supposed to be our caretaker or guardian (whether biological or not) does not and/or cannot give us what we are expected to receive - mostly in terms of love - it is that much harder to love them back. It hurts the most. The expectations are much higher in our hearts for our parents than with others, because that's what parents are supposed to offer. That's why I have always felt the deepest hurt in broken relationships with my parents than with other people. There's a greater expectation that was not fulfilled. And consequently, that's why it is also harder to mend that relationship.
I wonder if this has also been the same for you? Yes I agree and I do not plan on mending the relationship as I have tried once, only for her and her husband to burn me again. I can not expend myself like that again. I just thinking that maybe she should know that I love her (because she is my mother) and that she may need to hear it, even though she never gave me those words.
In my case, I realize there are too few ways that my mother can actually make up for her wrongs to me, because of all the damage that has taken place for years. Part of me wants to demand it, as if it were a money debt to be repaid. And I often feel both anger and hurt over such disappointment in life. Though now I see that as long as I am still angry and even rightfully hurt that I also cannot truly love my mother or even others or myself as much. In focusing on what is missing, I cannot often make the best of what I do have, nor move healthily forward to something better. ...This is a matter of the heart I speak of. But it can also affect other areas of life as well.
I greatly hope you can allow God to heal your heart through closeness with Christ and let Him fill your wounds with His perfect Love. In allowing God to enter into your heart in those deepest places of hurt, you will be made whole in love. This is my prayer for you.
I do hope and pray that you have the chance to love your mother in ways she never showed you growing up. It may begin with writing a letter or doing small chores to help take care of her needs. But with each act of love, it heals the heart and makes possible an opening to restore a relationship once broken between the two of you. I put on Christ about a month ago when her husband had surgery. They had to put a stent in his brain. I had to "Babysit her for 3 days. The first day was difficult, but I prayed that night, because I really didn't want to be there. The Lord had me humble myself and I brought my MaryKay silky hand kit and washed her feet as I had her wash her hands. I did her hair and put make up on her ect.. Believe me, it was Him.
I've often been told in my own situation (from relatives) that my mother, in fact, knows her neglect and hurts she has caused me, but struggles with guilt and regret and does not know how to fix things. Sometimes this may be the case with others as well....It may also be possible your mother is longing deep in her heart to hear from you and to also restore a relationship. If that is the case, your letter or actions of love will merge with her heart goals as well and this may be God's beginning of something new.
Yeah to others my mother painted her self as a saintly mother and claims not to remember calling us or doing the things she did. Denial I suppose, but the dreams she has had speak otherwise.
Seek God's presence and love. Ask Him to guide you through all of this. I think this may be something that He wants to work and help you with.
I would be more than happy to also pray for you and talk.
I would love to talk with you and I will pray for you as well. Thank you so much for a very heartfelt and thoughtful post. Hoping He blesses you abundantly.
In Christ,
-Imit
Colleen
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 6/18/2008 1:15:45 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3585
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
Status: offline
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In that case, I would write the letter. It would give her something dear to hold onto when the echo of your voice, saying the words, has gone away. Sweet words linger just as much as bitter or misunderstood words, except that the sweet words are those that become sweeter with every turn in the memory.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: I Want to write a letter, I think.... - 7/2/2008 8:38:14 AM
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preserved
Posts: 778
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crh737
quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
What do you hope to accomplished by writing this letter?
Your mother now has parkinson's disease..I ask you what would Jesus do? Love her the best to your abilities in spite of as God would have you to do...Other wise when her time is up...you may regret words and feelings that could have been given to God to handle..
The only thing I was thinking of accomplishing was giving her warm fuzzies and nothing else. I am not looking to write anything about my childhood and what I saw, what she did, or what she allowed.
Just a simple I was thinking of you today and want you to know I love you. I will probably add from what Liveloved wrote that I know someone who loves you more than me and for her to trust in Him.
Nothing less and nothing more. I have not walked in her shoes so I have no clue why she was or what made her to be the person she was. I am just accepting that is who she is.
I expect to gain nothing, but maybe she will gain something. Maybe I care too much who are sick and dying. After all I worked in that field for many years.
But thanx for asking
CRH
Ok...if writing this letter will give you comfort and provide you with peace...then by all means do it:)
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