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I need help with 11 yr old girl, I am discouraged - 8/25/2008 1:39:02 AM
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crystarose24
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/25/2008
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My husband and I live with a friend from college and his 11 yr old niece. She seems way older than 11. She is with us and her uncle because he needs help raising her and her mom and dad are not fit. There are a few problems I'd like to see discussed and the first is that because her uncle works at night/sleeps all day, my husband and I are essential raising her. My husband cares about her and her future, but she is rude to him (and often her uncle too) and seems to only be comfortable or nice to me. It's hurting my husband because we give so much for her, but she's mean to him. It seems to be somewhat of a male/female thing, since she's fine w/ me. Before she came here, she was living with her mom and grandmother, knows her dad, but does not like him and didn't live with him. Is there a way to get her to open up and to treat my husband respectfully and like him??? He's great with her, but she hates his attention, concern, etc. The other thing I'm having a problem with is that we are caring for this girl and giving up so much of our own "life" to take care of her, but she idolizes her mom and I won't get into it, but her mom doesn't seem to care half as much as we do. Her mom says she loves her all the time, but when it came to raising her in a decent home, she chose her own lifestyle over this little girl! It hurts me sometimes because things like this happens: Her room was being used for storage while she was away. I spent days cleaning it, getting things for her room, etc...she LOVED it. I had stickers on the wall that said love you and her name. She loved the room, but when I was in her room last, she'd taken the stickers off because she wanted to put up a poster with a poem about how wonderful her mom is!!!!!!!! WHAT is going on here???? HELP!!!! To add, we've never said anything bad about her mom to her, but I do wish she could be able to recognize the difference between her mom and the people who are sacrificing to take care of her and raise her. Also, she has no understanding of Christianity, God, etc, but has no intrest, how do we help with that? Any ideas on any of these things? suggestions?
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RE: I need help with 11 yr old girl, I am discouraged - 8/25/2008 6:17:03 AM
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bzirk
Posts: 2909
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
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Welcome!
Two things are very helpful to remember. The first is that she's just an eleven year old girl who has gone through something no kid should. What a horrible thing to have a mother who chose something else over you. I think it's normal for this girl to want to hang on to this idea that her mother is a great person. To think otherwise about a mother would be difficult for an adult much less a kid this age.
The second and really the most important is for you to be praying for the Lord to give you and your husband wisdom. If you're already doing that, then keep it up. But it cannot be stressed enough that you need wisdom to understand where this little girl is coming from, need to have realistic expectations, which includes setting good boundaries for what you will do and won't do, as well as needing to be patient and understanding of how difficult it can be to deal with a kid in a tough situation.
Most important is to seek the Lord's desire for the situation, so when I find myself in situations like these, I usually pray, "Okay, Lord, I'm here. Now what do you want of me?" Then I wait on the Lord. He is always faithful to make it clear what I'm to do. While I'm waiting, I know I'm to pray for the situation and the people involved, and that is a great pleasure and privilege. It's a wonderful thing to look at these situations as opportunities to serve and reflect the Lord. When you read Paul's words in the New Testament, it becomes clear that's how he felt about the situations he found himself in. When we begin to look at things like this as opportunities and not drudgery, life is a lot more joyful and more productive.
One of the verses that ministered to me in beginning to and continuing to come to an understanding of joy in serving the Lord (no matter where I found myself) is this one:
quote:
Romans 15
13Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
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may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: I need help with 11 yr old girl, I am discouraged - 8/25/2008 7:40:59 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3740
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: online
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You may need to be the one that stands up and insist that everyone in the home is respectful to each other since she is relating to you. It really doesn't matter if she really likes your hubby or her uncle (although that is something we want), but she needs to be respectful. After she learns to be respectful, then the relationships will start to grow on their own.
As far as her mom goes...
She is a lot like a foster child. She is grieving the loss of her dream mother. Denial is a part of the grieving process. Eventually the other stages will hit and you need to prepare for it. In the mean time you need to work with her so she doesn't grow bitter and resentful of her mother. Help her make a scrapbook about her "old life" and her mom. She may need that when reality finally strikes. For her to say at 11 that her mother doesn't love her as much as non-relatives do is going to be an awful pill to swallow and may tear her apart. Let her work it out slowly. She desperately wants her mom to come through for her; Every child (and adult child) does. She doesn't want a bunch of well meaning adults to come to her rescue... she wants her mom... her dream mom.
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Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
292 more miles t
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RE: I need help with 11 yr old girl, I am discouraged - 8/26/2008 10:13:48 AM
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staceynms
Posts: 13
Joined: 8/14/2008
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First the 11 y.o. girl is lucky to have you and her husband in her life. Secondly, children love their parents regardless of what their parents do. There is a bond there that no one understands. Trying to understand why she wants her mom, loves her mom even if her mom treats her badly? Her mom is just that, her mom. Nothing is ever going to change that and the love she has for her mom will never change. When she gets to be an adult and has an adult mind, her view of her mom will change. But right now she has a child's mind.
Is she in counseling? If not, she needs to be. The shunning of men in her life appears that she's been hurt badly by men. And a counselor can get to the bottom of that. Was she molested? That's the first thing that I thought of.
Puberty is coming soon and some of these issues would be better trying to be resolved before it hits.
She's dealing with:
rejection, anger, loss, hurts, and lots more. It's a lot for an 11 y.o. to handle. She needs to be given the tools on how to handle these. And a professional is the likely candidate.
Do you attend church? Is there someone your pastor can recommend her to see.
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RE: I need help with 11 yr old girl, I am discouraged - 8/26/2008 3:07:04 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1056
Joined: 4/29/2005
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An 11 year old foster child should have VERY minimal expectations. Very basic civilized behaviour is all that you should be working towards at this point... if you want more than that, you will need to decide what is really important (as far as her behaviour and spirit) and work on those individual goals one at a time.
She is NOT going to be grateful to you or acknowledge your sacrifices on her behalf... until she is about 23 years old. You don't need that affirmation. It is not the job of an injured and abused child to provide affirmation to adults. You know you are doing a good thing. You know that it is costing you time, energy & heartache. That was the plan. That was the sacrifice you felt called to make. Seek your affirmation among peers, family and from the God that called you and blesses you and comforts you.
She will ALWAYS reject you in favour of her mom. Like another poster said, her 'dream mom'. She really believes that 'dream mom' exists, loves her, will come some day and rescue her from these well meaning strangers. Please let her keep this!!! It is much easier for you to care for and get close to a girl with this fantasy than to try to get close to a girl who had gone through the heartbreak of figuring out for real how little regard her own mother has for her. God gave her this emotional armor of fantasy for a reason. Don't make her face that pain before she can cope with it. You can play second-fiddle to an imaginary friend, can't you? I know the rejection hurts... but you are grown and strong --- and being rejected by a small girl that you are not even related to, not your own mom. You can cope.
Respect is important in any household. Some respectful behaviour falls into 'basic civilized behaviour' -- this you need to make a firm and clear expectation, teaching the phrases and skills from scratch as if you were teaching her how to swim if she's never been in the water. Tell her what you expect, teach her until she understands, remind her, and use consequences (both positive & negative, both minor & major, both momentary & longer term) to motivate that behaviour to become permanent. Some respectful behaviour is just nice to see. You can work on that later when her sense of security in your household is stronger.
So, basic respectful behaviour means not mouthing off, not disregarding instructions.... maybe a bit more. You will have to come up with the specifics. But if she's uncomfortable with him when he displays kindly-ness, respect for her dictates that he should express himself in another way... or even refrain from attempting an unwanted degree of closeness with her.... at least for now. Having her like him and be open to him are her personal decisions and they must NOT be manipulated.
As far as faith, her relationship with God will grow as she sees it. You can show her the joy of knowing God's love. You can teach her if it's a positive experience for her, and you can take her to Church with you, as long as that is not a negative experince. You can help her to ask questions and ponder religious things. You can pray for her -- where she can hear you (unless that makes her uncomfortable -- then just let her know that she is part of your prayers).
In the area of how to relate to men and if they can be trusted, and how to relate to God and if He can be trusted... you are KEY in the example you set more than anything else you will do with or for this child. Make your faith and your marriage relationship a priority and make an effort to make them sort of obvious in front of her. That's the greatest gift you can give her.
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RE: I need help with 11 yr old girl, I am discouraged - 8/26/2008 10:51:31 PM
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sen10tious
Posts: 348
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crystarose24
I had stickers on the wall that said love you and her name. She loved the room, but when I was in her room last, she'd taken the stickers off because she wanted to put up a poster with a poem about how wonderful her mom is!!!!!!!! WHAT is going on here???? HELP!!!!
What is going on? Well, to me, it sounds like you are getting offended when focusing on third-string stuff. So, she took down stickers… you are not in a popularity contest with her mom. Let that stuff go.
The other two things you mentioned are truly important though. On one thing you need to be a leader and on the other, a servant.
You need to be a leader when it comes to her rude character. Don't tolerate it. Let her know ahead of time what the consequences for being rude are and then enforce them.
Be a servant when it comes to her interest and understanding of God. It takes prayer for protection and direction; and it takes tolerance of the frou-frou things like wall décor—as long as the posters are not promoting rudeness, of course. This is something that grows in God's timing. You are the servant with the watering can, but remember that the #1 cause of houseplant death is overwatering. The #2 cause is no water.
< Message edited by sen10tious -- 8/26/2008 10:59:53 PM >
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RE: I need help with 11 yr old girl, I am discouraged - 8/26/2008 11:27:50 PM
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locomom
Posts: 215
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
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Don't expect this girl to have her feelings and behavior straightened out. There is a lot of hurt and conflict there in her relationships with her parents and you, your husband, and your uncle. It sounds like your husband is bearing the brunt of her anger, but I doubt it's much related to him. She's also got a lot of confusion inside. She is very very young to be bearing the burdens her adult world has placed on her. It should be a foundation that she can build on. Instead it's tearing her down.
She needs to know that it's OK with you to love her mother and father, even if her feelings are very hurt by them. Get her a photo frame with multiple openings for pictures of her, her with her Mom, just her mom, and her Dad, and any others that she wants.
It's true she will eventually be grateful for what you three have done for her, but she's too young to have that perspective and there is too much turmoil for her to sort out. Spend much time in prayer for this girl, keep rules to what is necessary, be careful about too heavy a discipline for a child with a broken spirit. Keep letting her know all of you care for her, and don't give up because of her angry behavior. Consider whether she needs some good quality Christian counseling.
My heart goes out to this child. Although my family situation was different, it changed dramatically when I was 7 yo. My 3 brothers and I moved in with my father's brother and his wife (my aunt and uncle). I regard them as my parents, albeit my second set. I love them dearly for what they have done. I also remember being Daddy's girl with my father. About 7 years ago, my oldest brother told me that he was hit and beaten by my father until he grew big enough to tell my father to his face that it would stop. He also told me that my father hit and beat my mother. I was too young to know about the abuse although I'm not surprised by it. My mother died of cancer when I was 6, having been ill since I was four. So I'm guessing some of my father's abusive behavior stopped before I was really aware of it. At 41, it hurt to be told that, and for quite a while I didn't know how to combine the sadness that I feel knowing about my father's abusiveness and my memories of being Daddy's girl and the affection and good that came from that. In the end, I accept that both were part of my father, and I still feel both ways; it just doesn't divide me inside anymore. Note: Two years after my mother mother died of cancer, my father died of lung cancer.
This little girl will have to work through this kind of mix of feelings. She may seem more mature than her, but most likely she is not. Her emotional maturity is quite likely to be behind. She needs room to handle this mess and to grow in the love that she has from you three who are her new home.
< Message edited by locomom -- 8/26/2008 11:43:09 PM >
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