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I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 6:13:48 AM
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Luv4self
Posts: 59
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I am posing this question because I want some Christianly advice. Putting the shame (which I am seeing still resides) to the side, I am going to ask this question...When I was 19 yro I was "dated-raped" by someone I went to school with and who lived in my neighborhood. W/O going into a lot of detail, he denied it (despite saying sorry on my vm). Anyway, his father paid for a lawyer and the judge charged him with indecent assault or indecent exposure. My DA told me the charge of rape wouldn't stick because he was only 18 yro at the time and the judge didn't want to "ruin his life." So he got 2 yrs probation and went about his merry way.
So, the other day, I was looking up a court document for a friend of mine and I happened to put my rapist's name to see what came up and I found out the guy is currently incarcerated and has been for the last 3 yrs. (Okay, I'm going to be honest, I felt like God gave me the biggest present ever). I had imagined that this guy was living in a white picket fence with his wife and 2.2 kids. I know I have given this guy so much power over the years and I have been praying not to do so over the last 15 yrs. I want to write him to say that I forgive him and to let him know that God always reapes you what you sow. I also want him to know that what he did really affected me (incl my romantic relationships...whew)but I've been resilient and I'm doing really well right now. I'm a little bored but I have a really good life. I'm seeing since I found out about his whereabouts, that the rape still does affect me...It has brought up a lot of feelings...Any advice about writing him?
If you feel like I should "just let it go" please don't respond...this is nothing that you "just let go," you really have to work through it when the issue arises. Thanks!
< Message edited by Luv4self -- 6/9/2008 6:20:57 AM >
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 6:49:57 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6052
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Are you in counselling at the moment, or have you ever had counselling over this?
I'd recommend talking this over with a counsellor BEFORE you write him, both to help you cope with the feelings this is bringing up, and so that if and when he replies you have somewhere there to support you.
(Whatever you do, don't give him your address or any idea of where you live)
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 7:00:56 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1806
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There are also alternatives such as ...journaling your thoughts about the rape..writing a letter to him expressing your feelings and then burning the letter,
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 9:48:13 AM
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Row1
Posts: 248
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i don't know the answer.
i do know that lots of people do the unsent-letter thing: write everything that comes to mind. thoughts, opinions, how it actually was a rape versus however else anyone tried to characterize it, how it has affected you, etc.
also you could write: how you have included that life event in your growth and understanding of God (whatever that has been for you).
you could also write how you understand God's view of forgiveness.
Obviously, this could be a very long letter, with lots of sobbing the whole way through.
Then, yes, simply burn it up. Maybe say a prayer, and imagine the smoke being the process of giving the whole ordeal over to God.
Then, in the future, bring up this idea to yourself of writing him. You may feel very different about it.
It is possible that it might be wiser to have no contact with this person.
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 10:29:04 AM
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JimboFletch
Posts: 6608
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quote:
...I want to write him to say that I forgive him and to let him know that God always reapes you what you sow...
I may be wrong, but it feels to me that the main reason you want to write him is to deliver the last part of that message, that God got him back. While I agree with the principle, it almost seems to contradict the idea that you have personally forgiven him. I agree with Manda, you need to talk this over with a counselor BEFORE you write directly to him.
quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
There are also alternatives such as ...journaling your thoughts about the rape..writing a letter to him expressing your feelings and then burning the letter,
I think that is probably the best advice you'll get aside from discussing it with a trained, experienced counselor.
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 11:00:16 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
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Ditto what manda59 said...
Adding to that, I think you have to be very clear about what it is you are expecting to achieve and that's where the counseling may help you. Are you looking for him to fess up and apologize? Closure? Judging from your post, you don't sound very clear yet on what you hope to gain through any type of communication with him and that may be setting you up for more undue pain.
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"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 3:05:06 PM
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StephenJ
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I can understand your desire to make him understand just how much his actions hurt you, but like everyone else I suggest that it might be a good idea to see a council before doing this. Have you talked to your pastor about it? Do you have a good group of Christian friends who can uplift and pray for you?
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 4:01:13 PM
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jaimestarcross
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What I get from your post is you want to let him know he got what he deserves and then you want to tell him how much his actions effected you and you are hoping this will make him say he's sorry etc... the trouble with that is --- what would happen to you(emotionally) if he doesn't remember you or the rape? Many such men have abused drugs and alcohol and that's messed up their memories and their bodies... not too mention they've probably repeated that type of assault on other females (rape is about them getting what they want - and getting that feeling of power.)
*Real impact is made when you are motivated by God to reach out to this man who's in prison... (reaching out to him can also be done by someone else that's experienced in prison ministries/counseling) - If you aren't really being lead by the Lord to do that, then it's time to work on getting yourself free from this rape's hold that it has in your life(I do recommend counseling.) Real freedom is found when the Lord sets you free and then you are free indeed!
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 6/9/2008 4:08:16 PM >
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 4:35:16 PM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 200
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quote:
I want to write him to say that I forgive him and to let him know that God always reapes you what you sow. I also want him to know that what he did really affected me (incl my romantic relationships...whew)but I've been resilient and I'm doing really well right now.
As a rape survivor, I understand the emotional roller coaster. I have a question though. You say you have forgiven him but then add that God reaps what you sow. I'm sorry but to me it doesn't sound as if you have completely forgiven him. It almost sounds as if you are pointing out that he has gotten what he deserves:punishment. Examine what you truly are saying, not just the words but the underlying meaning. Are you wanting to rub his face in the fact that he is currently incarcerated or are you reaching out to him in true spirit of forgivness and love as Christ forgave those who were crucifying him? What message are you trying to send?
If you are not able yet to reach out in complete forgiveness and in the love of Christ, be able to pray for him and lift him up to the Lord, mailing any letter is a bad idea. It sounds like gloating. Not a Christ-like characteristic.
Just remember, we as Christians are forgiven our sins, all of them. And even though we may consider some sins as being worse, sin is sin in God's eyes. Examine your heart before considering whether to write or not. If you allow hurt and emotion to guide you then seek counseling first.
Blessings to you!
< Message edited by allisonbrett -- 6/9/2008 4:42:21 PM >
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 9:39:33 PM
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delete123
Posts: 969
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Luv4self
(Okay, I'm going to be honest, I felt like God gave me the biggest present ever). I had imagined that this guy was living in a white picket fence with his wife and 2.2 kids. I know I have given this guy so much power over the years and I have been praying not to do so over the last 15 yrs. I want to write him to say that I forgive him and to let him know that God always reapes you what you sow. I also want him to know that what he did really affected me (incl my romantic relationships...whew)but I've been resilient and I'm doing really well right now. I'm a little bored but I have a really good life. I'm seeing since I found out about his whereabouts, that the rape still does affect me...It has brought up a lot of feelings...Any advice about writing him?
Luv4self~
I have a question? What if you didn't know who your rapist was/is? How would you handle your feelings or emotions then?
Anyhow I also question if you really have forgiven him, by your statement. I will tell him you reap what you sow!
That does not sound like a forgiving spirit. It sounds more like, well you didn't get convicted with my case, but haha! you got caught and so now I want you to know how much you have hurt me and affected my life.
IMHO if you are sincere in writing this offender, you would want to address the issue of forgiveness in a manner that reveals Christ in you.
It saddened me to learn that you are incarcerated from harming another person again as you did me. However I want you to know that I have forgiven the hurts you have bestilled upon me that I endured for a while.
It was my trust in Jesus christ that allowed me to heal and write you.
I pray you allow Him to heal from the obvious hurt you have been enduring that led to you being your present situation. Blah blah blah
the one you are proposing to write almost sounds like you are gloating over the fact that he got caught and doesn't need or have a prayer.
We are to pray for our enemies and those that despitefully curse or use us.
As a Christian we are commanded to forgive to receive forgiveness. Read the parable of the Servant who was forgiven much and received mercy from the king(I believe in Luke) Yet when he became unmericful to his servant, he lost the king's mercy.
If you truly forgive this man you will be merciful towards him as our Lord has been merciful towards you.
We are all sinners and you should write that in your letter that he (being sick and a sinner) needs a Savior. Jesus did not come for the righteous, he came for people just like your offender.
Just a thought
CRH
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/9/2008 11:20:20 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1919
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quote:
Any advice about writing him?
From listening to your thoughts, the things you are feeling and wanting to communicate, it sounds to me as if you really need to just work through these things for yourself. And writing it down as a way of clarifying what you are feeling, thinking, experiencing, etc is sometimes very helpful in coming to a greater understanding of how this event has changed/affected you.
And I think you need to be your priority. I doubt that a letter to him would change him or the situation in any positive way. But a letter written for you, for your benefit, for your healing and help and wholeness might be a wonderful thing for you to do. But I would not send it. I would lay it before the Lord as Hezekiah did and ask the Lord to deal with all that the letter speaks of. The Lord can bring about the positive changes that you are desiring. Believe and trust Him. Bless ya! 
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 1:33:30 AM
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loveleee
Posts: 79
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Is it a healing moment for you to want to do this?
I was molested by a family member starting a age 6. It went on for a few years. I never told anyone just because I was scared. Him doing that affected EVERYTHING I was. I prayed that God would help me to heal. One of the steps I felt I needed to do was to face him face to face. I had to show him that I was doing fine and that I was happy with my life now. Because I have forgiven him and I have finally after 16 years moved on and started living.
Have you forgiven him?
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 6:20:29 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 1774
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JimboFletch
I may be wrong, but it feels to me that the main reason you want to write him is to deliver the last part of that message, that God got him back. While I agree with the principle, it almost seems to contradict the idea that you have personally forgiven him. I agree with Manda, you need to talk this over with a counselor BEFORE you write directly to him.
I agree with this, and the others, who said there's no forgiveness expressed in your post. I just don't think a letter will accompish anything.
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 6:23:16 AM
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Luv4self
Posts: 59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: loveleee
Is it a healing moment for you to want to do this?
Him doing that affected EVERYTHING I was. I prayed that God would help me to heal. One of the steps I felt I needed to do was to face him face to face. I had to show him that I was doing fine and that I was happy with my life now.
YES, this is what I feel. I think this is a good summary of how I feel. I do forgive him. I think the conflict that I feel as well is that I can't help but feel happy that he's in jail. If God doesn't get you one way, he'll get you another! I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling some kind of joy.
I was in counseling re: the rape when it first happened, but that was 15 yrs ago. Haven't really talked about it lately. Before I found this out, I felt as thought I had dealt with any feelings that really impacted my life. I not a big fan of writing letters and burning them....it doesn't work for me. I want him to KNOW how I feel.
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Don't just live... be alive!
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 8:47:20 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6052
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Luv4self
I was in counseling re: the rape when it first happened, but that was 15 yrs ago. Haven't really talked about it lately. Before I found this out, I felt as thought I had dealt with any feelings that really impacted my life. I not a big fan of writing letters and burning them....it doesn't work for me. I want him to KNOW how I feel.
I suggest you get back into counselling before you do anything. Maybe there is some kind of Victim Support charity who can support you.
Let's say that you write him and tell him how you feel. Will that be enough for you, or are you wanting/expecting anything from him? Will it be a letter with no return address, or are you wanting him to write back? Why do you want him to know how you feel?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 10:05:03 AM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1919
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quote:
I want him to KNOW how I feel.
Luv,
And what do you think this would accomplish? If this man cared about your feelings, he would not have committed this violent act against you in the first place. This man needs a new heart---and only God can give him that.
I do not know the pain that you know. I have not experienced rape. But I do know other experiences at the hands of violent men. And I know they take a long time to heal from.
But it is God who is our Healer. This man will not lead you to greater healing. This man needs his own healing.
Begin to pray for him. Pray that God would show His love to this man in great and powerful ways. It is God's love and kindness that leads to our repentance (Romans 2:4). It is only Love that will break this man's heart. Not your words, your thoughts, a letter or how you feel. Love (Jesus) longs to break this man's heart. Pray that he falls on Jesus and is broken in pieces. (Matthew 21:44) Then and only then will he be set free from the bondage he is in.
And as you pray for him, let Love surround you and do His healing work in you. You are loved greatly by God. Give yourself to His love and allow Him to bring the healing you long for. That is my prayer for you, precious one. LL
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 11:36:24 AM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4290
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I am so sorry this has happened to you.
And, I know you want him to feel what you feel. But, nobody feels the same way. We all feel thiings differently, some better, some worse. The way I taste potatoes is not the same as you.
As another woman with rape in her past, I can tell you that this is no longer about him. This is about you wanting him to know that he did not get the upper hand, that he did not control your life, that he did not make you a lifetime victim.
I get it - I realy really do. And you forgiving him does not mean he got away with something. He will face a judge mightier than all of us in time. He may already have reaped some of the consequences while in jail.
God loves you. God wants to take this horrible thing and turn it into something that you can use to comfort and support other women who may be alone in their suffering.
Satans wants you to dwell on this, but God wants you to use this to serve others in the same place. Other women who might need someone who understands and can help them out of their own pit of despair.
You might be God's vessel to help the woman on the rape crisis hotline right now.
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 11:38:57 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
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From: So Cal
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quote:
And what do you think this would accomplish? If this man cared about your feelings, he would not have committed this violent act against you in the first place. This man needs a new heart---and only God can give him that.
Liveloved...Bingo...You hit the nail on the head with this response. I think there's a false sense of hope that he is going to fall on his knees, break down in tears, and beg for forgiveness if he "understood how she felt."
I think you would be taking a major step backwards in the healing process as you would be giving this man the power to continue to torment you. You can never change what happened in the past but you can decide that you are not going to let this traumatic event define you and ruin your future. The Bible teaches that God will avenge if we trust in Him and he knows how to avenge the wrongs that are being committed far better thatn we could.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 11:53:42 AM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 200
Joined: 5/29/2008
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quote:
YES, this is what I feel. I think this is a good summary of how I feel. I do forgive him. I think the conflict that I feel as well is that I can't help but feel happy that he's in jail. If God doesn't get you one way, he'll get you another! I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling some kind of joy.
I was in counseling re: the rape when it first happened, but that was 15 yrs ago. Haven't really talked about it lately. Before I found this out, I felt as thought I had dealt with any feelings that really impacted my life. I not a big fan of writing letters and burning them....it doesn't work for me. I want him to KNOW how I feel.
Luv,
I believe you feel as though you have forgiven him but your post doesn't reveal that you've let go of that accompanied resentment and bitterness toward him. Forgiveness is something beyond a feeling, its a decsion to let go of all the pain associated with the offense. Something I have learned is that we often have to forgive over and over and over until God can soften our hearts into letting go of all the negative emotions that go with being so hurt. The addage, "time heals all wounds" may sound good but it's not true. Even though you may have sought counseling 15 years ago doesn't mean that you couldn't benefit from some additional counseling now.
Without going into details I have suffered tremendous amounts of abuse over my lifetime and not by just one person. Even though all of it occured many years ago the pain, hurt, issues with self-esteem, etc. all appear from time to time. I have worked exceptionally hard and have FINALLY forgiven my offenders to the point where I would finally be able to reach out to them in love and forgiveness not rejoicing in any negative consequences they may have found themselves in at a later time in their lives. Notice I said "able" and not willing? I may be able to reach out in a loving manner but at this point I don't feel God prompting me to do so. One of these offenders is now dead so he must stand before God with what he did to me. The others, I don't know what happened to them but I can say that I pray that they have found salvation and forgiveness from sin as I have. Christ has forgiven me and wiped the slate clean so for me to wish harm upon them doesn't show that same loving forgiveness that I have found.
Learning to release any hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. that you may still have will be the final step in complete forgiveness. It's a long journey, one that I highly recommend. Please, I urge you to being that journey and really let all of those painful emotions go. A good Christian counselor that has a lot of experience with sexual abuse may be the first step.
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 6:30:16 PM
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vixir
Posts: 140
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I agree with everyone here as well. Your comment about God, doesn't sound like it is coming from someone who has forgiven another. I can sense anger in that statement. And of course, you have every right to be angry and every right to feel all kinds of things towards this man. But I kind of wonder if you just want to convince him that what he did to you in the past, didn't break you down. To give him the illusion that this event doesn't hold any power over you anymore. It takes a long time to get over something like this, if you can ever get over it at all. It really changes the shape of your being. I think you should pray about it and seek professional help to rid yourself of these negative feelings. Because I think that if you truly did forgive this guy, then there wouldn't be any animosity towards him. And then your letter will be viewed as becoming and true.
< Message edited by vixir -- 6/10/2008 6:42:01 PM >
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/10/2008 6:53:27 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5404
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quote:
Ditto what manda59 said... Agreed (both her posts)...
Sometimes we experience trauma and think we've dealt with it, but years later old feelings resurface and we realise exactly how much the trauma is affecting us.
I would strongly suggest you seek some more counselling for this rape. I do believe that writing letters (but not necessarily sending them) can help up ~ but I also feel that we need to have support if we're going to do this, because of the emotions it may release.
You say that you want this man to know how the rape has affected you. As I read your posts, it sounded as though you wanted him to acknowledge what he had done to you and apologise for it. This may never happen.
Again, I think before you do anything you need to seek some counselling so that should you decide to do something, you have a support system in place to help you work through things.
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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: I want to write my Rapist.... - 6/11/2008 11:59:10 AM
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preserved
Posts: 752
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quote:
ORIGINAL: allisonbrett
quote:
I want to write him to say that I forgive him and to let him know that God always reapes you what you sow. I also want him to know that what he did really affected me (incl my romantic relationships...whew)but I've been resilient and I'm doing really well right now.
As a rape survivor, I understand the emotional roller coaster. I have a question though. You say you have forgiven him but then add that God reaps what you sow. I'm sorry but to me it doesn't sound as if you have completely forgiven him. It almost sounds as if you are pointing out that he has gotten what he deserves:punishment. Examine what you truly are saying, not just the words but the underlying meaning. Are you wanting to rub his face in the fact that he is currently incarcerated or are you reaching out to him in true spirit of forgivness and love as Christ forgave those who were crucifying him? What message are you trying to send?
If you are not able yet to reach out in complete forgiveness and in the love of Christ, be able to pray for him and lift him up to the Lord, mailing any letter is a bad idea. It sounds like gloating. Not a Christ-like characteristic.
Just remember, we as Christians are forgiven our sins, all of them. And even though we may consider some sins as being worse, sin is sin in God's eyes. Examine your heart before considering whether to write or not. If you allow hurt and emotion to guide you then seek counseling first.
Blessings to you!
I agree with allisonbrett comments...If you felt this way...the letter should have been written to him at the time after the incident...Besides, he may or maynot remember since this happened quite some time ago...I think you need more healing over this and sending him a letter to gloat over that he is incarcertaed is not going to help you heal...That is not what jesus would do..Jesus heals forgives and forgets...This man has an illness in which he needs prayers for...
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