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Infidelity - 11/20/2008 7:02:33 PM
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grneyedmnstr
Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2008
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I've been married for twelve years and have two wonderful children. Two years ago I decided to go back to school to get my degree and during that time my husband met a woman online. He says that at first they were just friends but eventually he had an affair with her. I found out about the affair last month and for a while he couldn't decide between his family and the other woman. Now we are in marriage counseling and he's decided he wants to make our marriage work.
I never thought this could happen to us, we were so happy. I realized that his realtionship with God had become nonexistent and that he was under the delusion that it was ok for him to have another woman. I am wondering how long it will take for me to trust him again.
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RE: Infidelity - 11/20/2008 7:26:58 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
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Welcome to CW, grneyedmnstr. I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much. I'm in a similar place - but very different, every situation is different, I guess. My dh had a physical (but not sexual) affair with one of my best friends, a friend from church. It was about nine months ago; he sat me down and told me everything a little over a month ago - even though I really knew at the time, I just chose not to know.
I've taken great comfort in the fact that it wasn't any more than it was and that no one got any crazy ideas - like destroying their families to be together or something stupid. So I know how deeply that hurts. (But this was one of my best friends so it's added a whole different dimension to turmoil in our lives - changing churches, losing other friendships) - it just stinks, I know.
God is doing an absolute miracle in my marriage. I was truly able to forgive everyone, and God told me I had to forgive completely like He forgives and He gave me the grace to be able to do that when I decided to be obedient. In our situation it was a bit of a relief because, like I said, I knew what was going on and I really cried more then (even though I was still trying to lie to myself) than I have the last month. But we are in a better place with the Lord and with each other than I think we've ever been in twelve years married! That's just to boast in what God is doing here and to hopefully encouarage you.
If he is truly turned toward you and toward his family and toward the Lord - I promise you it can not only be restored but can be better than ever! He has to make that choice and do the work that comes with it....but I'm sure he's getting that in counselling.
I'm reading Philippians 4:4-9 about 800 times /day! I have to continually choose what I let my thoughts dwell on. That's so important.
But trust is a funny thing. I was reading recently that spouses shouldn't TRUST each other - at least not the way we think. I "trusted" my dh so much I let him go into business and develop a close personal relationship with my cute, busty, 20-something blonde friend. I trusted in my dh's own strength - trusted him to be stronger than every other man on the planet - like sending a starving man into a bakery and trusting him not to eat the cake! That was just stupid! I wont do that again!! But, remarkably, I trust him more now than I think I ever have. I trust him with what I'm really thinking and feeling, with my fears, and I trust that his focus and his heart is really here with us. That's the trust God has restored to us and it's so exciting!
I hope that encourages you a little.
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RE: Infidelity - 11/20/2008 7:44:10 PM
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grneyedmnstr
Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2008
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Thanks for the encouragement! I really appreciate the kind words. I've been prayin like crazy and I'm hoping he will agree to doing couples devotions with me daily. I know i could not have gotten through this without the love of my heavenly father and the prayers of my family and friends. My mother in law especilly has been so supportive and always willing to listen. I thank God for her everyday.
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RE: Infidelity - 11/20/2008 8:53:52 PM
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becomingwhole
Posts: 28
Joined: 7/18/2005
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Yes, you can begin to trust again. For me it took time, but more then that it took trusting that God would carry me though anything. I have been where you are and even further. My family has a wonderful story. It has been three years since we remarried, and there are still days the devil will try to cause doubt in my dh, but I just run into my father's loving arms and each time God has shown him self strong on my behalf and my dh.
Becomingwhole
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RE: Infidelity - 11/21/2008 3:01:10 AM
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cam2930
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Joined: 11/21/2008
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I'm so sorry for all of you. I've been married 29 years and found out 3 years ago about my husbands affairs for the previous 5 years. It has been so heart breaking. He was my best friend, the father I never had, and he was like Christ to me. I worshipped him (wrong I know) and his word was law in our home. We had eleven children together and I was always a stay at home mom and homeschooled them. He moved out of our home 2 years ago. He says all affairs are over and he never wants to do it again, but he is so far away from the Lord and so abusive to me and the kids still at home. He will say he is going to visit, and then doesn't show up even though he will drive the 5 hours to our home town from his new job. I welcomed him back with open arms from the start, since learning of the affairs was like the missing piece of the puzzle and I thought all his withdrawal and anger would be over with the confession. But he left repeatedly until the day he took his new job and moved away. He still tells everyone that he loves me and is devoted, and he doesn't understand why I'm "unforgiving". It is like we live two separate realities. He thinks he is good to me because we are still supported, but it feels more like a control issue, He will provide for me and the kids as long as we stay married and he can be as mean and abusive as he wishes. I don't understand what he benefits from it. Does he think the neglect will drive me to adultery too? I don't have any job skills or college degree to escape this.
Has anyone's marriage survived when the adulterer only had a superficial repentance? How did you get from where I am to a healthy marriage. I look at things in such a black and white way that when he is nice I want to be back together immediately and when he is mean I'm ready to call it quits I'm so tired of it now after 3 years of "reconcilliation".
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RE: Infidelity - 11/21/2008 5:02:52 AM
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lightbeamrider
Posts: 138
Joined: 6/6/2008
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I cannot be in the same room with my brother in law for the way he has treated my sister in the past. I know any cross word that he said would set me off. When it comes to my little sister blood is definitely thicker than water. It amazes me how men are allowed to get away with these things with relative impunity these days. Look cam u don't have to put up with any of that **** from him. Quit being so loving and forgiving and get a good lawyer. If he is abusive then get a restraining order. There is nothing wrong with making this guy pay for the injustice he has dished out to u and ur children. I have known men who had to pay for the attorney fees for their wives. It was part of the divorce settlement. After he is done paying u off and attorney fees there won't be much left over for a rainy day. He will be counting his socks. Try a little hard ball. What u got to lose?
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RE: Infidelity - 11/21/2008 6:58:58 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cam2930
He was my best friend, the father I never had, and he was like Christ to me. I worshipped him (wrong I know) and his word was law in our home.
I agree with lightbeamrider. It sounds to me, though, like the abuse started way before the affairs. And I'm not one who throws around the "abuse" word lightly. You need to let Jesus be Christ for you and learn how to walk in the freedom He died to make available to you. This guy's got you and your children in total bondage.
quote:
ORIGINAL: cam2930
Has anyone's marriage survived when the adulterer only had a superficial repentance? How did you get from where I am to a healthy marriage. I look at things in such a black and white way that when he is nice I want to be back together immediately and when he is mean I'm ready to call it quits I'm so tired of it now after 3 years of "reconcilliation".
I don't think a marriage can be rebuilt if one party, especially the major offender, is only half hearted (or worse, manipulative) about reconciliation. It would take an earth-shattering encounter with God that leaves him falling on his face before God and you, IMO. And given his tendency toward manipulation, I don't even know if I'd believe that if I saw it.
I'm so sorry but, again, lightbeamrider is right, you need to protect yourself and your children from this man. I think you said some of your children are grown - could they help you? Where are they in all of this?
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RE: Infidelity - 11/21/2008 3:17:58 PM
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grneyedmnstr
Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2008
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Our marriage counselor who is wonderful christian woman and pastor has told us that my lack of a "backbone" is in a way enabling him to keep hurting me. She says that it is not only healthy but our god given right to stand up for ourselves.It all comes down to boundaries, you need to set them and hee needs to respect them. If he can't then u need to be firm with him.
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RE: Infidelity - 11/21/2008 9:37:45 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 351
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello grneyedmnstr
I can certainly offer sympathy to you. As a man, I can say that many guys do not adapt well to domestication with one woman. We still have our adventurous streak and always notice other women. That is not to say that we are excused for infidelity by any means.
You mentioned something that I see as an issue that will have to be resolved. That is that your husband doesn't wee anyting wrong with having another woman. That would not be an indicator of off and on with the Lord but off.
It seems to me that as long as he maintains this attitude, that it just may not be safe to trust him again. Some close friends of mine, the man had an affair. But both of them are Christians and he knew full well that he was wrong and sinned against the Lord. The Lord took them through that successfully. But I'm not sure it will work if your husband does not come in repentance to the Lord.
So, I would need a real sure fire gaurantee that he would be faithful to you in the future. It seems that a change of heart is needed here and only the Lord can do that.
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RE: Infidelity - 11/23/2008 1:03:55 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 769
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Welcome to the forum!
Don't make excuses for him - the man made bad choices!
Slowing stepping back from his walk with the Lord and then
he decided to have an affair instead of fleeing from temptation.
How long does it take for you to trust him again?
That depends upon how honest he's being with you
about making the decision to have the affair... the real issue
is why he backed off from his walk with the Lord?
It isn't unusual for a person to go from spiritual adultery to {fleshly}
adultery.
It's wonderful to do couple devotions but he also needs to work on
his own personal faith walk with the Lord - because we don't always get tested/tempted as a team. The enemy loves to use the old divide and
conquer routine - he's been doing that since way back in Genesis!
*You also have to work on your own personal faith walk.
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RE: Infidelity - 11/23/2008 7:25:12 AM
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MisterTR
Posts: 65
Joined: 5/23/2008
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I was studying post-traumatic stress syndrome and read that it takes anywhere from 6-24 months (or even longer) to recover from a traumatic event. Not so say that you have post-traumatic stress from a clinical standpoint, but I know that when I found out about similar unfaithfulness on the part of my spouse I couldn't focus or think straight, had physical and emotional turmoil. It was a traumatic event that hit me hard.
My spouse also was impatient for me to forgive and forget and move on. Even after you forgive, it takes time to "forget" and "move on."
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Infidelity - 12/1/2008 10:45:46 AM
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Lyrach
Posts: 24
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Can I just ask csl7037 how you knew that he was having an affair? I don't like to speculate, but, I know women tend to know these things. I don't like speculating either about my husband, but I feel like something is wrong or out of whack. The only thing I can think of is that something is happening close to home.
Thanks!
LC
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RE: Infidelity - 12/1/2008 11:46:24 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lyrach
Can I just ask csl7037 how you knew that he was having an affair? I don't like to speculate, but, I know women tend to know these things. I don't like speculating either about my husband, but I feel like something is wrong or out of whack. The only thing I can think of is that something is happening close to home.
Thanks!
LC
Well. I'm pretty sure I knew before either of them that it was an emotional attachment/affair. Frankly, it was going on right under my nose - they were lying to themselves as much as to us. He sat here it the kitchen on the phone with her one night (supposedly business related - it wasn't what whas said by how) and when he hung up I said "when you're on the phone like that, it sounds like you're dating" He got really offended that I would say that. This was very early on too. But it was my little passive-aggressive way of saying "I don't like this" and it was really the last thing I ever said. I really struggled with feeling like a complete idiot because what kind of woman sits and listens to that?!?!? That certainly wasn't the only time. I sat by the pool on one of our "weekends away" while he spent most of the time in the room "working" and on the phone with her. There are more examples. It's not like they were clever about anything - didn't even try to be! I'm not in one of these situations now where I wonder where he is all the time or need him to account for every minute - he really always has done that! Every time they were together (when it turned physical), I knew exactly where he was. Of course there was always a good reason. I think I knew it was going to take crossing a line to "scare him straight" and make them both realize they were playing with fire. Unfortunately it took a little more than I thought to "scare him". So I don't know if that makes any sense at all. PM me if you'd like.
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RE: Infidelity - 12/1/2008 12:40:48 PM
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grneyedmnstr
Posts: 15
Joined: 11/20/2008
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I knew that there was something going on by the way he was acting. He was usually very loving and attentive but when he started seeing her he became distant. He would never admit to anything so I did a little investigative work of my own. I checked email, cell phone records, hacked ino his personal myspace acount and just about anything I could think of. I even searched his truck one day and found an onther cell phone that he got so he could talk to her without me knowing.
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