|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 12:20:10 AM
|
|
|
Sonrise
Posts: 150
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
|
Hi all,
I'm at my wits end. Let me start with the most recent anecdote first; about 5 minutes ago actually. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed and my wife, who was in the living room watching tv asked me what I was doing. I replied, "brushing my teeth", to which she responded, "how can you brush your teeth and talk at the same time?". I walked out into the living room, toothbrush in hand and she said, "you're flossing, not brushing, can you turn off the kitchen light", to which I responded, "sure as soon as I'm done" and I walked back into the bathroom. My wife asked me again and I said that she had two options; turn them off herself or wait two minutes until I'm done. I jokingly mentioned that it was an opportunity for her to work on her patience, since that's her struggle. She again asked, "are you going to turn out the light?" I again replied, "Uh huh" with a mouth full of toothpaste. Within 10 seconds I hear the tv turn off and she stormed out of the living room and turned off the light. I followed her into the bedroom and she proceeded to call me by my pet name, "Selfish Jerk", for about the 3rd time today; today was a good day however, usually I'm given that title 4-5 x's a day. I asked her what happened and she told me that she was really tired and shouldn't have to wait. Now mind you a few hours earlier I had just finished mowing the yard, a very large yard at that and I was equally tired, however 10 minutes prior to her blow-up, she asked me for a massage and I willingly obliged.
I'm so sorry for that long winded story but I wanted to set a baseline. This happens on a daily basis. My wife mentally and verbally abuses me, calling me, "jerk" and "idiot" and tells me how annoying I am about 10 times a day. Most of the time it's because I put the wrong battery plug into the wrong computer or forgot to turn off a particular light or took a surface road instead of a freeway or used a whole paper towel instead of ripping it in two. I often remind her that that isn't an acceptable or Godly way to talk to a spouse and her pat answer is, "well, I'm tired and you're so annoying". I respond that many people, including myself are tired but they still don't talk to their spouse that way, and she usually says, "oh well,".
I'm getting really depressed over this and the only thing that's keeping me happy is my 10 month old daughter, she brings me so much joy. I half jokingly say, "well at least one person in my house loves me". The ironic thing is in public I'm the most outgoing, friendly person, the life of the party, but inside I'm dying. I pray for her, but it just kills me. I feel so unloved and am ashamed that as a guy I feel this way. I'm a man who loves God and honors my wedding vows and know that God hates divorce. I can't talk to my wife because when I do she starts yelling at me telling me that I'm making her feel bad and what kind of a husband would do that? It kills me when she holds our little baby in her arms and then proceeds to call me a "jerk". I pray over my daughter every night and I know that not being with her would destroy me and hurt her so bad, even though she's young; not to mention the extra burden on my wife.
As far as intimacy goes, we are that way, maybe 5-8 times a year and when she's mad at me, she says, "and that's why you don't get sex". I'm a good provider for my family and try and put them first in all that I do, but I'm ready to mail it in. We went to marriage counseling for a few months and when we'd drive home she'd yell at me that we wouldn't have to be wasting money on it if I'd just do what the counselor said.
That's the Cliff Notes version, I have a War and Peace one, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. lol Basically I feel dead inside but I know my hope rests in Christ; Praise God for that!. My wife doesn't love me, but this world is temporary and I could handle it, I just hate the fact that she's abusive to me in front of our daughter. Thanks to all for listening. Sonrise
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 12:29:57 AM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2696
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
Yikes...you are being verbally abused...and yes, men can be on the receiving end of verbal abuse.
NOT to give her an excuse, but does any of this have to do with post partum depression or being exhausted from mothering..or was she like this anyway?
I strongly suggest getting some good Biblical counseling.
You also did a good job articulating how you feel here. Rewrite what you said in this post in first person in a letter form to her, and give it to her, putting Dear (wife's name), at the beginning, and Love, Sonrise at the end Our family has found that when we hit a brick wall in verbal communication, written communication really helps.
Also, does your wife work or stay home? Either way is she feeling overwhelmed with childcare plus house duties, and plus work, if she does work? Are you pitching in around the house. I don't know what your financial circumstances are, but if they are good, I would strongly suggest hiring someone to come and clean once a week, or to do whatever job is most crucial once again..over the years, I have become convinced that that is one of the smartest ways for couples to spend money. Now, some people genuinely can't afford that, and I understand..but if you can afford it, spend $ on household help and family trips rather than a 1,000 video games or 3 extra cars.
Also, a weekly date night where you can discuss these things help.
I am in NO WAY trying to put all the blame on you. Wives and husbands are BOTH responsible for the atmosphere of the home, and she especially should never put you down in front of the baby..kids need to see their parents work as a team.
Beyond what I've said, I'm not sure what to do, because it's really impossible to change someone else..only God can do that.....
and with that I'll sign off and leave further suggestions for someone who's actually been married  . But hey, my father is a pastor and well known counselor, and I've picked up some things over the years.
Oh, and to answer your question, no, I don't think this is a reason for divorce, but it may be a reason for a time to live separately for a period while you clear your heads and think through the issue, but with the goal of living together again in harmony.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 9/15/2008 12:41:00 AM >
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 1:09:33 AM
|
|
|
Sonrise
Posts: 150
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Yikes...you are being verbally abused...and yes, men can be on the receiving end of verbal abuse.
NOT to give her an excuse, but does any of this have to do with post partum depression or being exhausted from mothering..or was she like this anyway?
I strongly suggest getting some good Biblical counseling.
You also did a good job articulating how you feel here. Rewrite what you said in this post in first person in a letter form to her, and give it to her, putting Dear (wife's name), at the beginning, and Love, Sonrise at the end Our family has found that when we hit a brick wall in verbal communication, written communication really helps.
Also, does your wife work or stay home? Either way is she feeling overwhelmed with childcare plus house duties, and plus work, if she does work? Are you pitching in around the house. I don't know what your financial circumstances are, but if they are good, I would strongly suggest hiring someone to come and clean once a week, or to do whatever job is most crucial once again..over the years, I have become convinced that that is one of the smartest ways for couples to spend money. Now, some people genuinely can't afford that, and I understand..but if you can afford it, spend $ on household help and family trips rather than a 1,000 video games or 3 extra cars.
Also, a weekly date night where you can discuss these things help.
I am in NO WAY trying to put all the blame on you. Wives and husbands are BOTH responsible for the atmosphere of the home, and she especially should never put you down in front of the baby..kids need to see their parents work as a team.
Beyond what I've said, I'm not sure what to do, because it's really impossible to change someone else..only God can do that.....
and with that I'll sign off and leave further suggestions for someone who's actually been married . But hey, my father is a pastor and well known counselor, and I've picked up some things over the years.
Oh, and to answer your question, no, I don't think this is a reason for divorce, but it may be a reason for a time to live separately for a period while you clear your heads and think through the issue, but with the goal of living together again in harmony.
Thank you for your thoughtful and caring response. Our daughter is 10 months old, we're almost on our 6th wedding anniversary and things have been like this since about half way through the first year. I have written things down on paer before and she's thrown it at me in a crumpled ball either preceded with or followed by the prerequisite, "jerk" comment telling me how bad I'm making her feel. Our counselors suggested a date night and to allow me some "fun money" (she has very serious issues with money) and despite the fact that we're debt free, save for a mortgage and have a decent amount of savings she'll have none of that. My wife stays at home with our little one, which we both thank God for and I vacuum and do the dishes but I do know that she's tired from our daughter. It's really late so I'm off to bed, in the guest room again.  Thanks again. Sonrise
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 1:23:18 AM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2696
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
Ok, if you been married six years, and she's been like this since the first year, it is definitely NOT because of the baby or ppd.
I would suggest her getting a full physical exam. I went through a long illness, and before I was diagnosed, I acted like some of the things you described..thankfully I was single throughout the illness so at least a husband and a marriage were spared. Of course, that was of God, none of my own doing.
I have more thoughts on this, but I need to go take care of some duties here at my house, so I'll be back.
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 4:07:37 AM
|
|
|
divorcingmyself
Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline
|
Wow, this is going to be a painful reply for me to write but I'll keep it short.
I recently completed divorcing my wife of 8 years (no need to get into the details). What you are describing is very similar to my experience. First let me say that though God hates divorce, He loves His Children. You will need to hang onto His Grace and assurance of love, no matter what path you decide to take.
Your description sounds very similar to what my situation was. I struggled for 6.5 years trying to do everything that I could to be certain that I was being sensitive/communicative/supportive/etc. and in the end, it took her insisting that I leave for a visit to a friend and her immediate claim that I abandoned her so she could feel justified in divorcing me. I lived under nearly constant ridicule, commentary, criticism for my tone of voice when talking to her, my need to earn more money during the last 4 years that we were living together. It was only after I moved into a separate residence that I realized that I was being abused (partly from my own analysis after I was out of the stress but mainly from observations from others who I found out had been praying for me and her and her abusive nature). We spent two years trying to reconcile but her idea of reconciliation was my returning into the same abusive context. So much for my story. I'm only writing this so that you can understand that I probably do understand what you are going through.
The idea of abuse as a Biblical basis for divorce is a pretty controversial notion. It seems that those that accept it, accept almost anything as abuse (unless the abused is a guy and then you are just supposed to live with it as Christ suffered for the Church - actually had an elder try to make that case). If they don't accept abuse as a valid grounds, then they don't tend to accept divorce except for adultery. There are those in the center that would add abandonment as the only other valid grounds for Christian divorce. Some add a third case and that is sexual withholding.
But really, in any case the Scripture is clear that the man is the one who should initiate any action (not to upset the feminists, but that really is the only direct situation that in explicitly stated in Scripture) and the only action mentioned directly is for him to put away (that is separate from) his wife. If she is a non-Believer and wants the divorce, he is to grant her wishes and divorce. Note that adultery is a clearly acceptable basis for directly divorcing your wife. Keep in mind that Our Lord indicated that though His Father hates divorce, He allows it. Ultimately, from a Scriptural basis, you are the one with the responsibility to make the decision and will be the one to bear the spiritual ramifications. So do what you know before the Creator are actions from a pure heart and "clean hands", knowing that His Grace is sufficient to cover all of our sin. Remember that our actions don't determine what is sin, but the thoughts and motivations behind the actions ("meat sacrificed to idols").
What I have written is a quick overview and there are many points that are debated. But ultimately, the real person that must decide is you. Divorce in incredibly painful. You mention the fact that you would miss your child, I can tell you that you will miss your wife. But if you have done all that you can do, given her multiple chances to change, changed yourself, had counseling, prayed, mediated, and fasted about your marriage and you still see no change and you are still sick about being in the marriage, then there is little else that you can do but separate.
What stands out in your post is that she is using denial of sex as a control over you. This is simply not right and she clearly doesn't understand the role of sexual intercourse in the Christian marriage. Her actions would be one diagnostic criterion for several psychological disorders. Would she agree to talking to a professional counselor? Now the tricky thing is to talk to her in a manner that clearly indicates that you love her and it is out of concern for her that would are suggesting this.
Her desire to control you shows that she is not and does not understand the proper roles and power division in the marriage. And unfortunately there is little support in the American Church these days for the man who finds himself in the situation that you are in (I know this from personal experience and from the reports that I have received from other divorced men - one of the reasons I started divorcingmyself.com).
I will be praying for you. I'd suggest finding a DivorceCare group that has at least one man facilitating it (the others tend to be men-bashing). The materials are really pretty good and you can get a clear picture of what is in store for you if you choose to divorce (the data support a picture that isn't pretty for men who divorce). The key is to find someone (watch out for women who troll for guys in your situation) who you can talk to in person.
"Father, I pray that You take this brother in Your Hands and support him in this time of trial. Open both his and his wife's hearts to the leading of Your Holy Spirit. Help him to understand that he is loved as Your Child and help his wife rediscover a Christian love for him. Grant him insight and wisdom as he makes decisions about his marriage. These things I ask in Your Son's Name. Amen"
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 4:15:13 AM
|
|
|
divorcingmyself
Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline
|
BTW - if you want to converse in a more private way than posting in an open forum, send me a message.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 4:25:09 AM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2696
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
quote:
Our counselors suggested a date night and to allow me some "fun money" (she has very serious issues with money) and despite the fact that we're debt free, save for a mortgage and have a decent amount of savings she'll have none of that
Ok, a couple things here....
1. I don't get the "allow you some fun money." Once you're married a couple is to discuss and decide together how the money is spent...granted in every marriage I know, whichever "half" is better at math balances the checkbook..but they still sit down together and divide the pie chart together, as it were...it sounds like she has a control issue here. It also seem strange that she doesn't want a date night...most women want that so much..I'm wondering if she has a fear of being in public.
2. Did she grow up with meager means? It seems like she is afraid of spending anything, which of course, is better than when a wife maxes out the credit cards..but still.
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 4:28:09 AM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2696
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
quote:
I vacuum and do the dishes
Ok, it sounds like you're definitely doing your part around the house, as well as providing for the family.
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 4:31:17 AM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2696
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
quote:
I would strongly suggest hiring someone to come and clean once a week, or to do whatever job is most crucial once again..
Where I said "once again," I meant to say that day.
Could this be worked into the budget at all, to help BOTH of you not be worn out?
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 4:42:45 AM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2696
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
|
As to your original question.....I was always brought up that continuous adultery and abandonment were the only two reasons for divorce. I personally also believe physical abuse is cause (my dad and I have gone round on that one..for many years, he has believed, it is cause to separate but not divorce---although after counseling a lot of abused women, I think his view is changing)..
I agree that adultery and abandonment are the only two cause for divorce, HOWEVER, I also believe that abandonment can be more than just a spouse leaving the family...it can be physical abuse and emotional abuse and abandonment...however, I am not saying that to encourage you to divorce.
If you were a woman, my first instinct would be to live separately for a while until there was enough counseling for the relationship to be restored..however, the factor of the baby, and the way your wife is make me lean away from that a little...simply because if you say you simply want to live apart for a while to clear your head, she may take it the wrong way and want to file for divorce, and these days it seems like the moms tend to get custody even if the father is a more fit parent.
I really feel bad for you. So many women would love to have someone like you, and instead of having a sweet wife you have a wife that is more like the husband of an abused wife.
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 7:02:25 AM
|
|
|
3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2532
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
I think things are a little complicated by the fact that you have a baby in the middle of this. And I'm really curious to see how many people are willing to tell a man that he needs to get out and leave right away because his wife is verbally abusive. 
Personally, the way you've laid it out here, I don't think she has any excuse. The whole kitchen light thing is bizarre, and if that's the norm for her, she has real problems.
I'm wondering what would happen if you simply refuse to play along? I don't mean being sullen or silent, but just being non-reactive when the situation calls for it. For instance, the light issue. What if you didn't let it continue past "I'll be glad to turn the light off when I'm done here, Sweetie"? Say it with a smile, and don't let her needle you into any further discussion. It might be an interesting and possibly worthwhile experiment to see what happens if you stop trying to defend yourself or argue with her. Remember that there is something wrong inside *her*, something weak inside *her*. Honestly, it might help you to keep in mind how pitiful and miserable it must be, to be her, living with so much anger and such a need to control everything. How sad. 
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 7:39:37 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6052
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sonrise
things have been like this since about half way through the first year.
Was anything else in particular happening around that time?
Could I ask what kind of relationship she has with, say, her parents?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 8:05:44 AM
|
|
|
Sideways
Posts: 3722
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
If you were a woman, my first instinct would be to live separately for a while until there was enough counseling for the relationship to be restored..however, the factor of the baby, and the way your wife is make me lean away from that a little...simply because if you say you simply want to live apart for a while to clear your head, she may take it the wrong way and want to file for divorce, and these days it seems like the moms tend to get custody even if the father is a more fit parent.
I hadn't thought about the custody issue. I would also lean towards giving a man the same advice I'd give a woman: 1.) Adjust his own behavior as Maggie suggested 2.) Seek counseling, even if she refuses 3.) Seek help from someone his wife would listen to 4.) Separate for a period of time, but not divorce.
However, I would hate to see this turn into a custody battle should the wife decide to divorce him over this issue. I think it's getting better in the courts, but the men still do not get equal consideration for custody of minor children, unless the children are old enough to state their own wishes.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 10:42:29 AM
|
|
|
Sonrise
Posts: 150
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
|
Thanks again for all of your Biblical responses, I really appreciate them. Truth be told, I'm pretty proactive in trying to make our home life "Biblically sound". I've done the not let her go one with her rant treatment but it invariably winds up in her getting really mad and storming out.
I do want to let it be known that shes awesome at cooking and cleaning and I try and let her know how much I appreciate it through validation and affirmation; the problem is that whenever I complain about the way she emotionally and mentally treats me she falls back on, "I cook and clean for you and take care of the baby, I do everything here, I'm so tired" and I feel guilty, because she does do all of these things, very well. I tell her how I appreciate that but it doesn't justify the way she talks to me.
The sad thing is that I feel responsible, during the first year of our marriage I wasn't as uplifting as I could have been, and I hurt her. As I grew in my relationship with the Lord I asked God to make me a better husband, the one he wants me to be and Praise be to Him, I've changed a lot.
As far as her money issue, she's gone hours and very rarely a day or two without talking to me because she's so mad about a decision that I made financially, such as tipping a waitress 20% instead of 15%. Sometimes she will get mad at me if I get an iced tea at Panera Bread instead of water because it'll add $1.50 to our bill. Now, keep in mind we have a good amount of financial savings and no debt other then our mortgage. When I tell her how silly she's being about money, she responds that at least she doesn't spend like crazy and max out the credit cards. I really do appreciate that though and if given the option I'd rather have a wife like mine then someone who can't control their spending. I just wish she'd be more balanced. The truth is she grew up in pretty meager surroundings in Los Angeles and I believe that fear is a major factor here, but I usually leave it alone.
My family is very important to me and I am responsible for being a Godly husband and father. I just wish she was nice to me and loved me. Sonrise
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 10:45:23 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6052
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
Sonrise,
Maybe you didn't see my questions?
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sonrise
things have been like this since about half way through the first year.
Was anything else in particular happening around that time?
Could I ask what kind of relationship she has with, say, her parents?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 11:04:34 AM
|
|
|
Hislittleone
Posts: 613
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
|
Manda, this could have been his answer to at least one of your questions.......
quote:
The sad thing is that I feel responsible, during the first year of our marriage I wasn't as uplifting as I could have been, and I hurt her. As I grew in my relationship with the Lord I asked God to make me a better husband, the one he wants me to be and Praise be to Him, I've changed a lot.
Sonrise, are you referring to the temper problem (that you used to have) that you had referred to in one of your older threads? (Forgive me if my memory is failing and that wasn't you.)
If you've had a temper/anger problem and she has been hurt by that in the past it could be that part of what's going on is that she is still angry/hurt over it. Do you think that could be a possibility?
Also, are you saying that you went to marriage counseling but didn't follow the counselor's advice?
quote:
We went to marriage counseling for a few months and when we'd drive home she'd yell at me that we wouldn't have to be wasting money on it if I'd just do what the counselor said.
You say that she calls you names. How do interact with her during arguments? Do you call her names as well? Sorry for the questions, just trying to get a better picture of what's going on in your situation.
To answer your question I do think there is some non-physical abuse that would permit separation or divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 11:47:32 AM
|
|
|
dianetavegia
Posts: 2031
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
Status: offline
|
quote:
Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce?
No. There is no scripture allowing divorce for anything except adultery and / or abandonment.
Are you baiting her with the remark about working on patience? 'In a minute' would have answered her just as well. If you were near the kitchen it would have been much easier to say, 'Sure Sweetie'.
I agree she is rude and certainly not being the wife scripture commands her to be but you can only fix yourself and answer for yourself.
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 11:47:47 AM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1774
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sonrise
The sad thing is that I feel responsible, during the first year of our marriage I wasn't as uplifting as I could have been, and I hurt her. As I grew in my relationship with the Lord I asked God to make me a better husband, the one he wants me to be and Praise be to Him, I've changed a lot.
I'm convinced the only way to change a marriage is to start by changing the only person you can change - yourself! If that's what you've been doing, stay on that track. Continue to seek the Lord about what He has called YOU to be and do in this situation and let Him deal with her. If that's what's happening, one possibility is that that's what's happening! When one spouse draws closer to the Lord and begins to walk in love, the other will have to respond one way or another. She's got free will and can choose to let Him work in her as well and soften her heart or continue to harden her heart toward Him and toward you. This may be her resistence. If so, she's probably on the verge of either "breaking" or bolting. Keep praying.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 6:39:20 PM
|
|
|
Knolt
Posts: 143
Joined: 2/13/2007
Status: offline
|
you may want to consider a separation if it becomes intolerable. she sounds rather petty and rather touchy. and yes, her witholding sex the way she does sounds like a form of abuse to me. you need to put her in her place the next time she calls you a "selfish jerk" or a "jerk", especially if she says it in front of the baby. This may sound unchristlike but get mad at her next time she calls you that. you are perfectly justified in getting angry. to start off, say "excuse me honey, i've had it with your ridicule and it stops right now." "I've had it with your sexual rejection of me and that better change too". If she responds unfavorably, abrupbly move out. She likes calling you a "jerk", well, brother, i'll also tell you this, don't encourage her bad behavior towards you by being nice. I'm going to tell you this, she'll may never admit this, but I think she WANTS you to stand up to her. Women, my friend, are security minded people. that's what they want. If you stand up to her, she'll know then that you'll stand up FOR her. like i said, women are security oriented. next time she calls you a jerk, lay into her good and don't be nice about it. don't put your hands on her of course, don't call her names yourself, but stop being Mr. Nice Guy. Get mad at her. also learn to say "no" to her.
I hope this helps.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 7:05:52 PM
|
|
|
NotDoneYet
Posts: 290
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Knolt
you may want to consider a separation if it becomes intolerable. she sounds rather petty and rather touchy. and yes, her witholding sex the way she does sounds like a form of abuse to me. you need to put her in her place the next time she calls you a "selfish jerk" or a "jerk", especially if she says it in front of the baby. This may sound unchristlike but get mad at her next time she calls you that. you are perfectly justified in getting angry. to start off, say "excuse me honey, i've had it with your ridicule and it stops right now." "I've had it with your sexual rejection of me and that better change too". If she responds unfavorably, abrupbly move out. She likes calling you a "jerk", well, brother, i'll also tell you this, don't encourage her bad behavior towards you by being nice. I'm going to tell you this, she'll may never admit this, but I think she WANTS you to stand up to her. Women, my friend, are security minded people. that's what they want. If you stand up to her, she'll know then that you'll stand up FOR her. like i said, women are security oriented. next time she calls you a jerk, lay into her good and don't be nice about it. don't put your hands on her of course, don't call her names yourself, but stop being Mr. Nice Guy. Get mad at her. also learn to say "no" to her.
I hope this helps.
As a woman...I agree!
I have a rather "forceful" personality, and my husband doesn't. I've had to "dial it back" in our 10 years of marriage, because I am well aware that I could run over him and he'd probably sit back and take it...a large part of that is because of how things were growing up...a lot of verbal abuse thrown my way...I learned to stand up for myself...
The day my husband got up in my face and "fought back" was the day I realized that I'd better chill out.
It doesn't help that I am also a "brain"...and have interests that go along with that...
Anyway...he stood up to me, I backed down...now we get along...our marriage is still shaky, but that's a whole 'nother topic...
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Is non physical abuse an allowable reason for divorce? - 9/15/2008 7:19:37 PM
|
|
|
karlie
Posts: 16961
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
Status: offline
|
Attention: Moderator's Note:
In an attempt to consolidate this topic, we have created a One Stop Thread for the topic of divorce. Therefore, this thread is being closed.
You may continue this discussion at the link below.
Divorce-One Stop Thread
Please do not reply to this message within the Community, or send me PMs regarding this.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Sincerely,
Karlie
Forums Moderator
_____________________________
1 day of coal...364 days of fun. I'll take my chances!
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
my soldier! 
