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My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/11/2008 9:09:47 PM
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Sirtimaay
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Before I get harsh criticism; or being slammed let me explain. I've been dating her for a month now, and we were friends for a year before then. We had a discussion about our pasts..blah blah...blah..and then it came up that she has had sex before (I'm a non virgin..never even kissed) This doesn't change my feelings for her; I desire to marry her one day. I realize I have sin too, God has forgiven her, and I reassured her that it won't be brought up again. Heck, I even believe it helped her be humble to some degree. And that's what i've wanted in a mate. I love her - I"m not going to end it.
However, despite all of this....there is sharp sting that constantly torments me. I've seeked council from my best friend who is a Sunday school teacher, (he married a non-virgin too) and I felt better about it. But the sting still comes up....I don't know what to do. I just need to know what to do about this sting.........Anybody who was in a similar situation, got some pointers?
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/11/2008 9:19:44 PM
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Sirtimaay
Posts: 10
Joined: 3/16/2006
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Yes, I'm a virgin...oops
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/11/2008 11:06:45 PM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1177
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Not in a position such as yours. Can't associate at that level.
I'd suggest praying about it, thinking about how you may lovingly talk to this girl more about it, and talk to her. Just because she's had sex before does not mean she wanted to, or was not inebriated at the time, or any number of things. It's an awkward thing for you to talk about, so I can understand why you might tell her you'd not bring it up with her again- and maybe it is with her too. If her past keeps eating at your future with her, then you need to go back on your promise not to bring this up with her, but lovingly explain why you need the full scoop on things.
That's my 2 centavos,
OneJohn410
_____________________________
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/11/2008 11:44:22 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1292
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
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As the late, great philospher Lloyd Thaxton used to say...
SO WHAT!!!
I'm not trying to post this in a mean spirited way, but if this woman repented, and truly repented and forgiven by God, it should not be any problem, correct?
We all come short and we are all sinners.
_____________________________
Hear "The Truth" with the "other"l Jeff Johnson(http://www.calvarydowney.org)
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/11/2008 11:47:21 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 617
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From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
As the late, great philospher Lloyd Thaxton used to say...
SO WHAT!!!
I'm not trying to post this in a mean spirited way, but if this woman repented, and truly repented and forgiven by God, it should not be any problem, correct?
We all come short and we are all sinners.
I don't with Gayle often but she is right on this one! Go sister!
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 12:03:06 AM
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karlie
Posts: 16952
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From: Central California
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I don't think there is anything wrong with being disappointed over this. It's what God desires between a man and wife...for there to have been no one else, so feeling disappointed is natural. There is nothing wrong with feeling let down.
What you have to decide now is if you're going to dwell on that disappointment and stew about how unfair that is, and let it turn into bitterness, or are you going to give it to God each and every time it comes into your mind and thank Him for the wonderful, humble young woman he brought to you. She trusted you with a part of her past she knew would upset you...that shows an incredible amount of integrity and humility.
If you continue to dwell on this, you will eventually become bitter, But you can choose to thank God for her repentance, and you can vow to show her what it's like to be loved and respected as a woman of God and not taken advantage of as she apparently has been before.
The sting will go away in time, IF you don't nurse it and cater to it. If you keep going over and over this in your mind, it will stay raw and you will stay stuck. It's a matter of changing your thought process and thinking higher than the sting.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things
_____________________________
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided...great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 12:41:22 AM
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violinist_for_jesus
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I agree with gayle...even though I have never(nor will I) be in this situation...we all make mistakes.
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 5:58:13 AM
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sgts
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Just be thankful you have someone you truly care about and requites those feelings.
Karlie summed it up well (but I also noticed that she assumed the girl was taken advantage of......bias anyone? I mean lets face it women are 10x more manipulative than any man could ever hope to be!  ).
Just be thankful and praise the Lord for such a precious gift. Remember all the things that Paul said about love and what it isn't: 'Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; bears all things; endures all things....' Corinthians 13:4
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 3:02:50 PM
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Sirtimaay
Posts: 10
Joined: 3/16/2006
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Karlie, your response was very helpful. thank you so much.
I love her, I just didn't realize it was so hard to depend on God for this....I guess that's the good thing. Thank you
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 3:06:53 PM
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delete123
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sgts
Karlie summed it up well (but I also noticed that she assumed the girl was taken advantage of......bias anyone? I mean lets face it women are 10x more manipulative than any man could ever hope to be! ).
And... You assumed that women are more manipultive then men.
I totally disagree
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 3:46:45 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
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From: Minnesota
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First of all we are ALL sinners. The past is the past; you cannot change it. If its very important to you that your future wife be a virgin, then do not date this girl.
If you love her and want to be with her and want her as your wife, then you will forgive and let go and pray to God for guidance and to take away your thoughts of her past.
Now I was in a similar situation with my husband. We both had been married before and because we had kids from the ex's we were not "virgins" in the sense we never had sex with another.
HOWEVER, thru God's love and wisdom we discovered we both were virgins in some things and these things we shared together as if we were virgins :) So if you wind up marrying her, I'm sure there will be things she has never done and you will be the special one to share those virgin moments :)
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 3:56:56 PM
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delete123
Posts: 937
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quote:
ORIGINAL: violinist_for_jesus
So do I...I mean, men can be persuaded by nearly any women to do nearly anything...
Did I hear a mew?! 
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 5:43:06 PM
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misty35
Posts: 614
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From: Arkansas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
I don't think there is anything wrong with being disappointed over this. It's what God desires between a man and wife...for there to have been no one else, so feeling disappointed is natural. There is nothing wrong with feeling let down.
What you have to decide now is if you're going to dwell on that disappointment and stew about how unfair that is, and let it turn into bitterness, or are you going to give it to God each and every time it comes into your mind and thank Him for the wonderful, humble young woman he brought to you. She trusted you with a part of her past she knew would upset you...that shows an incredible amount of integrity and humility.
If you continue to dwell on this, you will eventually become bitter, But you can choose to thank God for her repentance, and you can vow to show her what it's like to be loved and respected as a woman of God and not taken advantage of as she apparently has been before.
The sting will go away in time, IF you don't nurse it and cater to it. If you keep going over and over this in your mind, it will stay raw and you will stay stuck. It's a matter of changing your thought process and thinking higher than the sting.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things
I could not agree more!! And there is only one that reminds us of our past, its satan, if he knows he is getting to you with this, then he will continue. Pray about it, give it to the Lord, He says, cast all your burdens on me, so do that. And yes, be thankful that she was honest with you about this, its not something that she had to do.
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/12/2008 7:18:15 PM
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levimichal
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From: Christiansted, Virgin Islands live in Minneapolis
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If you read Boy Meets Girl:Say Hello to Courtship. The author went through a similar experience when the girl he was courting told him her past. It is tormenting yes but as you said God has forgiven both of you from the many sins we all committed. I believe reading this book may help.
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Levita Michal Ayala Goeloe
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/13/2008 1:39:22 PM
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Cloak
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If she repentedn before God and stairghtened up from that moment on, then she is virgin again in God's sight even if technically she is still not.
Jesus fargave sinners: prostitutute, the adulteress at the well ASA they repented and became new creatures in Christ.
If Jesus forgave, then we should be quick to forgive repented sinners!
_____________________________
Blessings!
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/15/2008 12:42:10 PM
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ffbruce
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Sirtimaay, there is nothing wrong with you being disappointed in the fact that your girlfriend is not a virgin. It is natural to feel cheated, and she gave to somebody else what she should be able to give to her husband. It's also inevitable that, at least on some level, it casts doubts about the future.
That said, you have to determine whether or not her being a non-virgin is going to end your relationship. Let's be honest here. If it is too big a hurdle for you to cross over, end the relationship, and end it now. There will be people who will say you're stupid for doing so, but those people aren't you.
If you want to work through this, first of all you have to realize it's going to take time. In a very real sense, you have to go through the grief cycle on this one, and that takes time.
It is also going to require honesty with both yourself and her. Be honest with her, and tell her that it is really bothering you, and you're wrestling with it. But don't keep talking about it. That'll only throw it in her face.
You'll also have to work on forgiveness. Just remember that forgiveness is not always a one-time thing, but a process. Each time it pops up in your mind, humbly pray to God to help remove the sting from your heart.
I can't say whether or not you should continue dating this girl, but from the sounds of things, you really like her. I do hope it works out for you!
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/15/2008 1:03:56 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2552
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
That said, you have to determine whether or not her being a non-virgin is going to end your relationship. Let's be honest here. If it is too big a hurdle for you to cross over, end the relationship, and end it now. There will be people who will say you're stupid for doing so, but those people aren't you.
That's what I was going to say, and I'm glad somebody said it. The ideal, yes would be for him to be able to forgive her for that, and go on with the relationship, but if HE TRULY CAN'T deal with it, then forcing it is a farce, and cruel to her. If he really can't overcome the disappointment, he needs to break it up now.
It's kind of like the physical attraction thing..even though some women have a problem with men wanting someone attractive to them, I don't, because unless they are in jr. high, all men have their own opinion on that anyway, AND, a woman whose man can honestly tell her how attractive she is to him is going to be a lot happier than a woman who senses she is just being tolerated.
It's the same thing here. If the OP really can't handle it, this woman will have a miserable life. I have seen marriages between virgins/not virgins (at the time of the marriage, I mean..obviously, after marriage and several kids neither one are virgins)..and sometimes I think it is hard on the non-virgin half of the marriage, because often the spouse that was a virgin will continually throw it in the other's face and use it to win every argument.
From what I've seen, couples that come from the same background in that area are generally happier. Two non-virgins aren't going to be judgenmental, and two virgins don't feel like they are "cheated."
All that being said, I think, for me personally, I have come to the place where I care far more if the man will treat me like a princess then I do about the v_ _ _ _ _ thing..but it took me a while to get there, and if the op is not there yet, well then, he's not there yet.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/15/2008 1:29:40 PM
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saraimay75
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I am wondering are you equating Virginity with Purity??? Because the are not quite the same thing. I am a Virgin but I am not Pure.
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God love admiration . . . I think it annoys God if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.
~Alice Walker~
http://360.yahoo.com/saraimay75
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/15/2008 7:58:54 PM
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josie423
Posts: 18
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My husband was with quite a few women before he became a Christian. While I am not angry at him for what he did, I will admit thinking of him with other women does sting! I think it is totally normal to be disappointed that you aren't 'the only one'.
But as OneofHisJewels said, if you really can't handle it, then end it. The hurt will not suddenly go away once you are married.
_____________________________
~Jo
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-Terry Pratchett
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/16/2008 12:49:33 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2552
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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There is nothing in the op that implies his girlfriend was date raped.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/16/2008 12:55:29 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2552
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
I question this whole emphasis on a woman's virginity.
Well, if you made the statement women's and men's, it IS the way God intended for people to enter marriage.
However, through Christ, anyone who repents can become pure in God's eyes. And we have ALL sinned..just some in that area..some in others.
However, some men AND SOME WOMEN..can handle being a virgin married to a non virgin..some cannot.
Sadly, that's just reality.
And better to know who you are. I knew one woman who was a virgin..married a guy who had been really "out there." She SAID she forgave him when they got married..but boy did she constantly hold that against them once they were married, especially when the chips were down. It didn't make a very nice life for either of them.
What I'm saying is if a person CAN forgive that, that is wonderful, that is the ideal. But they also need to examine their hearts if they really would have the right attitude towards the person.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: My girlfriend isn't a Virgin. - 10/18/2008 5:57:53 PM
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BeautifulFemale
Posts: 89
Joined: 6/21/2008
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I don't get what the problem is...as you say, we all have sinned...so, why are you making a big deal about her having sex? Is it fear that you wouldn't be what she would be hoping for? Please. What sting are u talking about? Is it the fact that you've never been with a woman/almost perfectly pure type thinking? Maybe you're the one who needs to reconsider needing some humbling...?
Forgive me if I'm getting you wrong,but this sounds like the kids in my old college who would glory in the fact that they never failed and those who did fail must be so stupid...ridiculous, ridiculous...I don't think anyone could have entered that college without getting more than a 3.3 GPA. Some people were very narrow minded and I hope this is not how you feel....:(
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