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My testimony - 8/15/2008 3:59:35 AM
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S0NFL0WER
Posts: 2
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline
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I hope no one minds if I share a pretty detailed testimony here.
I am a fairly private person, not really much of a people person.
I was born into a dysfunctional family. My mom got pregnant with me on their honeymoon ( yes, she really did!), and I was born 10 months later, a month late. ( My poor mom!) I also have 1 younger brother.
I think I had a fairly happy childhood, until I was about the age of 5 or 6. My dad was mentally ill, and at that point, he started going back and forth to different mental institutions.
When he was home, it wasn't safe. He did things to me, and I hated it. I don't remember much, but I remember being sincerely terrified of him.
When I was 10, I fought back. I got away from him when he was doing that, one time, and locked myself in my bathroom. That bathroom had 3 doors to it, and it was such a race for me to get them all shut and locked, but I really feared for my life. He then promised me he would never do that again, if I promised to never tell my mom. He said she would divorce him, and I became terrified she would leave me with him. I promised, and I never told her anything.
That summer, my mom started sending me away to live with her parents. That is the summer I started problems with food. Food became my number one enemy. I had to eat a lot because my Grams would have been so hurt if I didn't, but going back and forth between 2 homes, it was really difficult to please everyone. My mom and dad would tell me I was too fat. So, I followed the instructions on a poster about what to do if one swallowed poison. Food was poison for me. I started throwing everything up, and I do mean everything! I hesitate to share my ritual here, because I don't know who is reading this. I do not want to cause anyone to stumble.
It is a miracle that I am alive.
6th grade on Mother's Day, I woke early to the sound of my dad yelling at my mom. He was saying things like he loved her so much he had to kill her. I peeked out of my door, and saw my mom curled up in the fetal position under the kitchen table, and my dad was on top of her beating her repeatedly in the temple. I screamed, but he seemed not to hear me. My brother beat him over the back with a wooden baseball bat. He stopped, quietly got up, and sat down at the table like nothing had happened. My mom told him she was calling mental health to come and get him. I think some friends of theirs ended up taking him to the hospital. He was there for 5 months. He at one point escaped, and was walking home from about 600 miles away to come back and kill my mom. It was a terrifying time for us all.
I started cutting myself, carving myself with knives and pins. I tried to "slice" my wrists: I am so grateful that I was ignorant and did it the wrong way! I wore long sleeves, high necked shirts, and long pants or skirts to cover my self-inflicted wounds. I felt numb, and sometimes I would cut myself just to feel.
God has completely delivered me from this evil mindset!
When I was about to go in the 8th grade, I was so sick, but my family never even noticed. I hit my lowest weight ever: 5'8, 89 pounds. When I see pictures of myself from back then, I wonder how my parents missed it. Obviously they were very occupied with my dad's illness.
God intervened though. He placed a guy in my life. I will forever be grateful for God doing this. He was a senior in High School, and I was about to go into the 8th grade. He was so genuinely kind to me. I had never had anyone be kind to me before. He gave me his class ring, and told me he wanted to marry me when I was old enough. He encouraged me to eat. I never talked to him about my food avoidance, but he had to see it, he knew.
He ended up breaking my heart because he met someone that was his age, and he and I actually lived in 2 separate States. He was so sorry, but he had met someone else, someone older.... I never hated him. Even back then, I discerned that God had used him to help me live: God wanted me to live. That was encouragement enough for me. I had a hard time letting go, and sending his ring back: but I did the right thing. I just wanted to be loved and accepted. My young heart was so broken.
I still struggled with food, but I was actually eating after that. I was addicted to some over the counter drugs that would help me in my war against food, I was taking way too much of everything.
I wanted to stay pure for marriage, but some events in my life changed that, as well as people that came into my life. I was convinced because tv taught me so much more than my parents ever did, about how to behave. So many wasted years. I thought I had to be intimate in order to keep a guy interested in me. All I had been through with my dad had taught me that. So, at age 15, I went into Planned "destroyed my childhood plans of waiting" Parenthood. I hate that place so much.
Right before I started taking the pill, I went to a friend's house. Her brother had just gotten out of prison, and her mom wasn't home, and he bought us a few bottles of liquor. I drank an entire 5th of rum and another half of a fifth of vodka. I had never even had a sip of alcohol before that. I, to this day, do not know what that man did to me.
I crawled to my house through the snow wearing shorts and a halter top, I actually remember doing that, amazingly. When I got home, another friend was there, well, she was there for my brother not me, but she took care of me. I ate an entire tube of toothpaste, because I was worried my parents would smell my breath. I think that saved my life, because I threw up so much from that alone. I passed out, and my parents, when they got home, thought I was dead. An ambulance took me to the ER, and I remember waking up screaming at the nurse who tried to put the IV in me " Leave me alone! I want to die!" Later, a counselor explained that if I remembered saying that, I would be placed in a mental institution. I lied, and said I didn't remember.
After that, I lost myself. I began to sleep around. I drank, used drugs, but never actually became dependent on any of it, except the sex because I really believed it equaled love ( God delivered me from that too). More a recreational user of the illegal substances. I went to school on occasion drunk or drugged, I skipped class often. It's a wonder I graduated.
When I was 16, my brother told my parents about my eating problems. I was so angry with him! We went into family counseling where I found out that the promise I made to my dad when I was 10 meant absolutely nothing. He told my mom that very same night what he had done, and she sent him away. My mom never told me she knew. She told me it was my place to go to her and tell her. She hated me, and I hated her.
I got pretty heavily involved with the occult. So ashamed now. So many regrets. I don't live in shame, but when I think of all I did, all I was involved with, embracing what is in enmity with God, I feel both ashamed, and grateful because that is no loner me. (I am a new creation in Christ Jesus: the old is Gone! Behold: The new!)
My senior year I fought the urge to end my life by running away from home. I disappeared for 2 weeks, and didn't tell a soul where I was going, except the one friend no one knew about, whose house I stayed at.
I met a drug dealer at this point, and ended up living with him for awhile. I couldn't handle his life style though. He got me started using cocaine. I had to leave, his life was too scary for me. I went back home. Never used cocaine again.
I lived with a friend for awhile who was by association of another friend, pretty deeply involved in Mexican Mafia stuff. I lived in terror while I lived there. I finally found a peaceable way to move out that caused no threat to my life.
I met my ex-husband from a friend. We dated for just a short time, and then he asked me to marry him. We were married by a judge, no family present, not even friends.
Nice guy turned Mr. Hyde. He was abusive, so jealous he would barely let me out of his site. He made me work, and yet he wouldn't let me talk to anyone I worked with. He would rape me in my sleep. It was such a terrifying time in my life. I can't even go into all the details here of what he did or made me do, because this is a Christian site. I don't want to cause anyone to stumble.
I hated myself. I hated my life. I wanted to die. I was about to end things for myself when he suddenly decided he didn't love me anymore, and he wanted a divorce. I fought him tooth and nail. Eventually I decided he wasn't worth the fight, but my life was.
I started spending my spare time and most of my money in different clubs. I was so bitter at men, at life. During this chapter of my life, I started going to church. I decided I wanted to be baptized. I sang in the church choir. I surrendered my life to God. I had a tough time at first: I didn't want to give up the boyfriends or the partying. But, I didn't like how I was living.
I packed up my bags one day, and just left everything behind. I never returned. I wanted to serve Jesus, and there were too many things in my life that were getting in the way of that.
It has been an uphill climb, so many obstacles, so much God had to deliver me from. He opened my understanding up in so many ways so that I would choose Him, and reject sin.
I love Jesus Christ with all of my heart. I know what He delivered me from, I know that I was not worth the time and effort, but He had pity on me.
I am who I am today because of Jesus Christ, because God called out to me when I was yet a horrible sinner, living in filth and darkness, and He really did pull me out of muck and mire.
Praise God!
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RE: My testimony - 8/16/2008 1:03:38 PM
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S0NFL0WER
Posts: 2
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline
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Wow, I have never seen this user name before, lol, and I have been on Christian forums off and on for about 10 years now, although I had to make it with # 0's instead of the letter o's, lol.
I never would have made it without God. When I was alone, He would do something, show me something, to let me know I wasn't alone, I was loved by Him. All I knew was that I had to fight, keep fighting, to survive. I didn't want to get pulled under and drown.
I don't know how anyone can even live at all without Jesus. I am so grateful to Him.
Thanks for your response. :)
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