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Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 1:57:25 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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We are unsure how much of my sons behavior we need to be very worried about and how much is teenage pushing boundaries. My husbands parents let them do whatever they wanted so DH has no clue. I had the personality that I wanted to make my mom happy so I behaved myself. We are clueless on what to do with this kid.
So my son keeps disobeying us.We tell him that he needs to come straight home from a friends house yet he goes and talks to another friend instead. We tell him to stay off the railroad and he gets on it anyways for cool pictures. When he gets caught he goes into this I am so stupid I cant do anything right. I am half convinced is manipulation to get us to ease up on him. We thought we were over the worst of it with him loosing everything he likes only to find he has done it again. DH just rebuilt the screen and told him several times to leave it in the window. Guess what was gone. Yes his screen! It was in his room! I am so mad he was told to leave it alone. DH thinks he has been sneaking out at night. I could not imagine what for since we live in a tiny town that has nothing but 72 houses and a shut down store that is now storage. We screwed the screen into place and plan on taking his phone away...Again! He cannot get his licence since he will not behave long enough to get it, which is another fight all together. I am so tired of this. I miss my little boy who was so good all the time. He never acted anything like this.
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<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 2:53:52 PM
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shadowspring
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quote:
I could not imagine what for since we live in a tiny town that has nothing but 72 houses and a shut down store that is now storage.
To experience the rush of being out at night, alone, just you and the stars? That's why I stayed out all night at fourteen in a small town in OK (pop 1500) back in the late '70s.
Worse case scenario, to go hang out with other bored teens and drink, but why think the worst of your precious son without cause?
It sounds to me like he is thirsty for adventure. Could Dad take him camping? Could you sign him up for a mission trip? Is there anything edgy he could get involved with, like rock climbing, mountain biking, or some sort of organized sport?
Teenagers do have a natural thirst for risk-taking. A wise parent works with that. If it is unmet with approved activities, you wind up with rebellious acting out behaviors.
So I try to put my teenage daughter in situations she could feel brave and adventurous in useful ways- mission trip to the homeless in NYC, help with demo after Hurricane Katrina, volunteer with youth group in inner city parks, and we even sent her to Japan for three weeks on a summer exchange program.
My son plays football and takes part in adult soccer pick-up games with Dad on weekends. Dad also takes the boy on runs and walks with him and to the gym. I am planning to send him on a mission trip with Teen Missions (God willing and the support comes in) when he is sixteen.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 3:06:42 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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Thankfully I have not seen any of the warning signs of drinking or drugs. So I would take your guess that it is for the risk. I think he gets a thrill for the risky and that is why he loves football so much. I wish there were rocks to climb around here since he would love it. I am thinking of driving an hour to get him into a church that actually does something with their youth. Our does not do a thing. He has been active for 3 years now and they have never once done anything. They get together at church for goofing off and that is it.
_____________________________
<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 4:27:48 PM
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shadowspring
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quote:
I am thinking of driving an hour to get him into a church that actually does something with their youth.
I highly recommend it!!
We drive an hour EACH WAY to football practice four days a week so our son can play football, plus an hour and half each way to games on Saturdays.
It is a sacrifice, I won't lie. But to have our son get the opportunity to struggle and strive alongside other believers is hugely worth it in the end.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 5:57:49 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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Shadowspring, I wish you had been my mom and understood that need for adventure.
I really did some stupid things myself when I was a teenager. I snuck out because it was daring. I began to hang around punks because it was dangerous. I was so bored. As an adult I have learned to deal with these desires in healthy ways but it would have been great to have a parent understand and direct these impulses into better channels. I wasn't really doing anything bad but now I look back and realize how truly dangerous it was for a young teen girl to be out without anyone who cares about her knowing were she is. It could have been really bad.
If you could channel your son's desire for excitement and adventure, I think you would all be better off.
Karen
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 7:32:36 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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For one he plays football. With 3 hour practices every day he really does not have much spare time. He did some wild bike riding, like riding his bike of a steep embankment into a nice deep creek. I knew where he was and both boys had their cell phones. I did not care about that stuff. He has always done wild stunts which I let him knowing he was an adventurous child. What bothers me so much is the disobedience. This last month he has disobeyed us 5 time on things we sat down and made sure he knew not to do. There is no excuse for that.
_____________________________
<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 7:51:07 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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I am sorry if it seemed I thought disobedience was okay. I completely agree with you. No matter what impulses a child has it is of the utmost importance they respect and obey their parents. I thought some creative outlets such as Shadowspring suggested could help channel some of that energy into outlets that would be respectful of your household rules. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
Karen
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/28/2008 8:12:18 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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No need to apologize. I was not thinking you were saying it was ok to disobey. I was just making it clear that risky behavior was not what I was worried about as much as the disobedience.
_____________________________
<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/29/2008 10:15:21 AM
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Row1
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this is a big challenge. i have no idea.
but we have a 16 yr old inthe home -
as a she got to 15, and now 16, i have been telling her: i perceive her as an adult, and i expect her to act that way.
i tell her that I will take away the cell phone, etc., as I have, but NOW I do not want to have to resort to those child/adolescent type of punishments. And I don't want to remind her about cat litter box, getting homework done, etc. --I have been working to put the impression on her that she is respected as an adult and expected to behave that way.
at spring break, each morning before i left for work, I assigned one task, then left the home - with no chance for her mom to 'rescue' her. I just told her: if you don't know how to [dust ALL basboards in the house, etc.], then she could ask her mom HOW, but her mom was NOT to help her. Her mom was actually surprised at how industrious this young lady was.
So, since abt 15yo, i get her to help out around the home, and do some of our responsibilities.
she has recently started driving. just before that, one day, when it was raining, i realized the windshield wiper was worn out. i pulled up to the auto parts store, gave her a $20, and told her to get it replaced - i was gonna get a cup of coffee from the nearby gas station. and leave me the change and receipt.
when i got back, the wiper was new, and i had change and receipt.
[they apparently talked her into the fancy kind of wiper, cuz only a few dollars were left AND i could tell by the receipt that she didn't pocket any of the money! -that was kind of funny. but i made no fuss about it cuz she did what i asked / expected].
on this occasion and others, i give her a speech that her mom, grandma, etc. still think of her as a child - but since i am stepdad, i have a different view, and i can realize that she is an adult, with ADULT capabilites.
sometimes, in this speech, i include that likelihood that Jesus' mother was probably YOUNGER than my stepdaughter, yet God trusted his only son to her at that young adult age.
Correspondingly, as she demonstrates that she is an adult, we let her do more advanced things - i let her and a friend go to some rock band show - i hung out in the back of the club cuz it was actually an alcohol-serving club, although the band was aimed at teen girls - she and her friend handled it very well. that is the consequence for following my guidance and expectation to act like an adult.
So, my point is: did I have a point? With all the rambling, I lost track - wait - I think I remember: my point is that at this stage, you might want to look over the types of punishments, expectations, etc. and see if you are perceving him as a young man, and telling him this, and holding him up to this level. parenting looks different at different ages. you are no longer changing his diaper. this move from 13-14 to 15-16 is a big challange - the old rules really have to fall by the wayside.
sure, you can take the cell phone away. and i would be all for that. but also: tell him that you are upset that you even have to go to these types of consequences cuz he is beyond that stage and should start acting that way.
football is good, but 10-year-olds play football. 16-year-olds should be working and carrying a lot of the chore burden around the house. 16-year olds should be sitting down with you as you pay the bills so they get some training in that. 16 year olds should always, as the rest of us adults do, offer some hospitality if visitors come over - without being prompted to do so. when you come home from the grocery store, 16-year olds shouls always ask if you need help carrying in the groceries or putting things away. before i was 16, i was actually grocery shopping for my family and preparing meals (meat, veg, starch: per written directions from mom) so dinner would be ready for us when my parents got home from work.
have dad get his help to change the oil. look at every task and challenge you do, and consider if you can get him to do it. laundry. even going to pick out a new washing machine, microwave, etc. ask for directions when driving. etc. anything that pushes him into the adult role we are familiar with. you can talk and explain why, but mostly it is the experience doing these things that will shape his view of himself.
i snuck out the window when i was 16. but you know: i also maintained grades, and worked 20 hours per week. i took care of my car oil changes, etc.
so, this won't help quickly, but truly, it is the direction to go now, and see how things shape up in the next few months. like i said: i don't know if this is part of the issue now. but i think it is a common thing when kids get to be 16.
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/29/2008 10:56:27 AM
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momof4
Posts: 156
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an urban paradise!
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I'm sorry. What does BTDT sand for?
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"There's more to life than just to live" (Jonas Brothers, "Hold On")
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/29/2008 2:11:22 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1635
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BTDT- been there, done that
Row1,
Uh, ten year olds do play football, and so do grown men. Some of them get paid handsomely to do so. 
I think you are saying to be sure your teens have responsibilities commensurate with their age and ability? 
I don't think you'll find anyone here who disagrees with that. But do you really think the boy is possibly sneaking out at night because no one asks him to do chores, buy car parts, or talk to him about the responsibilities of adulthood? 
Sounds like you are doing a great job as a step-dad, though, and I commend you. 
But my (working) mom had me balancing the checkbook, cleaning, shopping, cooking, doing my own laundry and babysitting my little sister before high school, and I still hungered for the thrill of adventure. And snuck out at night just to walk around F*R*E*E*.
I didn't play football though. 
I personally think sports does help quench that thirst for struggle and triumph. I read long ago that girls active in sports were much less likely to engage in risky social behaviors. I think they got their fill of risk in athletics.
I am assuming it works for guys, along with the mission trips, etc. that my in-laws made sure their sons took part in as teens. For my dh, it was surfing at Monster Hole aka Sebastian Inlet. 
( I saw Jaws!    I would have a hard time with that one! God bless my mother in law!)
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Need BTDT advise with my 16 year old son. - 8/30/2008 1:20:19 AM
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faroukfarouk
Posts: 874
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Oh the teen years....
Indeed.
_____________________________
Trust the Bible.
Trust the Lord.
Don't trust the appearance of things.
(I'm a guy. Some tattoo designs look nice, though...but I haven't worn my earrings lately. So, think the lady in the avatar is my sister?)
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