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Need pastor help with this one - 5/16/2008 10:27:20 AM
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ruthyrich
Posts: 45
Joined: 2/2/2008
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Here is one, maybe you can help.
I am not a "regular or ordained" youth worker. I do however spend plenty of time and money helping out a few "at risk youth" that the Lord has put into my life.
My husband and I have left our doors open for them when they need a place to get away from their life stresses. We take them to church every Sunday and youth services every Monday night. After church, as long as they have gone to church we do things like going bowling, ordering pizza, and many other fun things.
There are two 15 year old girls, AJ and MI and a 14 year old boy, BJ and my son, who I don't believe to be at risk. He has a good head on his shoulders most of the time and accepted Jesus the begining of this year.
AJ has two younger sisters who won't go to church with us and only went bowling with us once. I think all of the girls are wonderful and even the young boy are alot of fun.
The girls always come to me for advise and I feel flattered and do my best to refer to biblical passages and principles when I address their issues.
The problem is that they all go to school together. Well, this wasn't a problem until today. They forged really wonderful friendships that go beyond church. They have not only God, but each other to walk through the tough times they have.
Anyways, they were all playing and being stupid while waiting for the bus to pick them up from school. AJ's middle sister said something about my son and BJ making a good couple. This didn't really upset the boys, they took it in fun. Problem is, my son said that the girls had better be nice because he could go to BJ's house and get guns (that don't really exist) and shoot them. The girls were laughing even at this, because they knew it was in fun. BJ said, "Yeah, we know were you sleep" and giggled.
Principle of the school over heard and made it a police report. We have warned my son over and over that his stupid, although in fun, comments were going to get him in trouble some day.
When I talked to the principle, he even said himself that knowing the good and fun kid my son was, the principle didn't think it was a real threat. He said himself it sounded like he was joking.
AJs mom is very lazy. She is living off of the girls social security checks, (they have very "mild" learning disabilities}, and their fathers child support and food stamps. She refuses to get a job.
AJs sister was not upset, but AJ's mom is acting like she wants to press charges on my 14 year old son.
HOw do I deal with this. My lawyer friend says that I shouldn't even take AJ to church on Sunday. My husband says that we are going to call them and invite them to church with us anyways.
I see my husbands point. I know in my heart, that this is my cross, my persecution for wanting to follow the Lord and do what he has given me to do. I know I should have faith in Him and know that somehow he will make things right, but then there is my thoughts.
I don't want to see my son persecuted on my behalf. I think that AJ's mom is just looking for another way to get more free income. I know that if she presses charges, this is what she is doing it for. I don't want my son to end up in JDC because of a stupid mistake my fourteen year old made.
I know that the Lord is definately teaching my son a lesson that I have not had success in and for this I am thankful.
What do you think? What should I do? How should I respond?
I simply love those kids like they were truely my own. I enjoy giving them the love and understanding that they do not get at home. I enjoy taking them to church and bowling. I never knew how much I really liked teens until the Lord brought them to me.
I know this is what my calling is. The Lord put these kids where I could witness to them. The Lord put the things I endured in my past to use as a mentor to these youth. I never ever solicited these kids to my door, they just showed up. The more I take them to church and youth group, the more show up.
Help
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RE: Need pastor help with this one - 5/16/2008 10:58:09 AM
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funny_girl
Posts: 787
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Good morning Ruth,
Thank you for opening your home and heart to these kids. That is a wonderful ministry to be able to minister to our children and their friends.
My first and gut response is that this situation isn't all about you. You are not the victim in this situation. You aren't being persecuted. At this point, no one has been persecuted. Your son said something terribly wrong and you as his parent need to take some action to correct his responses. You're going to have to point him to scriptures and teach him how to respond when others say things that aren't right. Homosexuality is something that kids joke about in this day and age and you need to prepare him and teach him how to respond appropriately in that situation. I would say if he doesn't know how to respond then walk away. Or say, "No! He's my friend and that was a sick thing to say," end of joking around.
As far as the child on Sunday, submit to your husband.
_____________________________
"...bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown...poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." II Corinthians 6:8-10
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RE: Need pastor help with this one - 5/16/2008 11:08:12 AM
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crownlaurel
Posts: 59
Joined: 2/15/2007
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Respond with prayer my dear Sister.
Jesus followed God's will to the death (and to our Eternal benefit, to the Resurrection and Eternity). I agree with funny_girl. If your husband feels that you shoudl continue to invite them to church, then trust his decision. Our Father will protect you and give you the tools to deal with whatever situation arises. As wrong as your son was to joke about guns in these times, God can use this to reach the heart of this mother.
Has your son apologized to all involved? Is your lawyer a believer?
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RE: Need pastor help with this one - 5/16/2008 11:27:40 AM
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ruthyrich
Posts: 45
Joined: 2/2/2008
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My son has tried, but Mom will not let AJ's sis even ride the bus. So, he can't even talk to the one he said it to.
My son has a better attitude about it than I do though.
What he told me last night was that everyone around him, including who he said it to, realized he was joking. Even the principal admitted this, but said that he had to report it to the police because of the nature of it.
Anyways, my son said if this went to far and he had to go to JDC, that maybe it was the Lord putting him in a place where he could teach others how to believe in God.
That sure is awsome to here from my 14 year old, but at the same time it is downright scary.
Yes, I have prayed, prayed, prayed and continue to pray.
Yes, my lawyer friend is a believer.
My pastor's wife, who I talked to via e mail, said,"Maybee you should step back and leave a little for the holy spirit to do." Which is good advise too, but I don't want AJ to get lost in this shuffle. She is a good kid, but she is headed in such the wrong direction. She is on the verge of getting into some serious trouble if she keeps down her old path.
I haveprayed for her alot lately. She wants to experiment with harder drugs than she has already tried and church has stepped her back on this. She has some great, Christian friends she has never had before. All of whom are praying for her and trying to help her through this time. I am afraid if she is doesn't continue with church, she is going to loose the progress she has made.
RR
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RE: Need pastor help with this one - 5/16/2008 5:14:13 PM
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ruthyrich
Posts: 45
Joined: 2/2/2008
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Just have to give you update on the situation.
My son said he prayed and prayed last night and asked God to show him the right path to take with this. He said after his prayer he decided to turn on his christian tv station and maybe it would help him with the answers he needed.
He said when he turned it on the pastor preaching on it said, "You need to appoligize to your enemies, even if you think you did no wrong to them."
My son took this as God speaking to him and did just this. Against our lawyer friends advise, against our telling him not to.
He said the girl denied she heard anything, said if he did say that she doesn't care. She said he mom said nothing to her about it. Said she will not cooperate if her mom tries to press charges on him.
He said the discussion on the bus actually promted a 10 person bible discusion right there on the bus.
Still don't know what the outcome of this will be, but I am proud of my son for taking the hard road when everyone except for God is against him. The Holy Spirit has shown me, through my son, that no matter what the cost to our personal selves, we should always serve God
RR
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RE: Need pastor help with this one - 5/18/2008 11:53:26 AM
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pstrdebi
Posts: 525
Joined: 4/28/2008
From: So. Oregon, by way of So. Cal.
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Hi Ruthy...
It is very admirable that you and your husband have stepped up to the plate to be a "safe haven" for the youth in your area. God sees your deeds and your hearts and will reward you.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ruthyrich
Anyways, they were all playing and being stupid while waiting for the bus to pick them up from school. AJ's middle sister said something about my son and BJ making a good couple. This didn't really upset the boys, they took it in fun. Problem is, my son said that the girls had better be nice because he could go to BJ's house and get guns (that don't really exist) and shoot them. The girls were laughing even at this, because they knew it was in fun. BJ said, "Yeah, we know were you sleep" and giggled.
I have read the rest of your posts and understand your son's heart and what he has been trying to undo... and that is wonderful that he is taking responsibility for his actions.
I do want to point out, and I am sure that you are well aware, that this was a comment that I personally would not expect one of my children to take lightly. And no matter how you feel about AJ's mom... God sees her as His own. His child... who has feeling and emotions and fears. You may feel that she is over-reacting, but whether someone is as hard as nails... lazy, or whatever... she is still a mom who fears for her child.
If my son had made these comments, (and I have raised 2... and one was still in school during the Columbine incident)... AND he was truly repentant, I would make sure that he spoke directly to AJ's mom, assuring her that it was a joke and apologizing profusely for the off-color comments. If AJ's mom wouldn't talk to us personally, I would ask the principle to call a meeting of all parties involved in order to do this.
I will tell you why I would do this. If you do not address this matter, your son will be "tagged" (labeled). AJ's mom will always refer to him as "the kid who made gun threats," the principle and the school will always have that nagging question in the back of their minds, and possibly a fear of your son (if the principle was 100% sure he would not have made a police report.).. AJ's mom will undoubtedly talk to others, etc. This is a situation that I feel needs to be nipped in the bud... and as soon as possible. I would even ask your pastor and his wife to join you.
Here is something else that I would consider: Kids are extremely vulnerable at this age whether they are in church or not. Why is your son hanging with a kid who you know to do drugs?
I have prayed for her a lot lately. She wants to experiment with harder drugs than she has already tried
It is admirable to help kids who are lost... yet not at the risk of your own. You can still help these kids, But I personally, would not encourage bonding friendships outside of church.
quote:
AJ's middle sister said something about my son and BJ making a good couple.
Kids and adults will always say stupid things. Hopefully your son is learning his lesson regarding how he responds to things. "repaying evil for evil..." etc. When he shows the other kids that he's not going to let stupid comments bother him... they'll stop making those comments. They will see Jesus in him.
quote:
I see my husbands point. I know in my heart, that this is my cross, my persecution for wanting to follow the Lord and do what he has given me to do. I know I should have faith in Him and know that somehow he will make things right, but then there is my thoughts.
I don't want to see my son persecuted on my behalf. I think that AJ's mom is just looking for another way to get more free income. I know that if she presses charges, this is what she is doing it for. I don't want my son to end up in JDC because of a stupid mistake my fourteen year old made.
1st... don't mistake "your cross" for your son's mistakes. Matt 16:24, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." This verse refers to something we ourselves sacrifice to follow Christ. You did not pick up this situation, your son did. And yes, God will see it through.
2nd... your son isn't being persecuted on your behalf, he is being persecuted on his own behalf. Allow him to be responsible (as you say he is doing) for his own actions. This helps him to grow.
and 3rd...
I think that AJ's mom is just looking for another way to get more free income. I know that if she presses charges, this is what she is doing it for.
You asked for pastoral advice... so I am giving it... and you don't have to receive it... however, these comments are judgemental and we are not to judge the unsaved. That's God's job. We need to love the sinner, and you are showing your son two sides of the coin... loving AJ (who is a sinner and does drugs)... showing contempt for AJ's mom (who is a sinner).
Have you personally visited AJ's mom? Have you been a witness to her? That could possibly change everything. You may find that there are some very huge issues that she is dealing with.
Try to look at the bigger picture. God doesn't just allow things in our lives for our grief or because He wants you to bear a cross. He has a purpose behind everything... and all of this may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your son. It could be all about AJ's mom. Don't you think AJ would be in a better place if her mom were saved? Look beyond the situation and pray for God to reveal His purpose in this.
Blessings...
Pastor Debi
< Message edited by pstrdebi -- 5/18/2008 3:34:17 PM >
_____________________________
"For in Him we live and move and have our being..." Acts 17:28a
http://www.therockfellowship.org
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RE: Need pastor help with this one - 5/24/2008 11:59:29 AM
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rrackov
Posts: 2
Joined: 5/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
AJs sister was not upset, but AJ's mom is acting like she wants to press charges on my 14 year old son.
HOw do I deal with this. My lawyer friend says that I shouldn't even take AJ to church on Sunday. My husband says that we are going to call them and invite them to church with us anyways.
It is wonderful that you are helping "at risk" children; but, there are rules you should always obey. <p>
#1. The child's parent is his/her authority. God established this authority. You are to respect it. This means that the childs parent(s) should be aware of where the child is, including "hanging" at your house or going to church with you.
#2. Never speak poorly of a parent or try to be a replacement for one.
#3. Pray to soften the heart of a stubborn parrent.
About the mother pressing charges.
You are in the best position to make a judgement on this. The parent may be grumpy. The parent may be acting in a protective manner. The parent may be testing you. If you cannot speak with the parent, there is not much you can do other than pray and wait. If you can speak with the parent, possibly the best practical approach is to empathize with her. State you respect her position and that if it was your child who was threatened you would likely feel the same way. State you have spoken with your child and they have been set straight; however, she certainly has the right to ask the police to press charges and you would certainly understand if that is her choice but you would appreciate it if she would not. DO NOT DEFEND YOU SON'S WRONG COMMENT. You may defend your son's charater though. Avoid an argument. When she speaks, listen and do not debate her. Rest that God is in control of everything. If charges are pressed, it will likely result in "nothing". If it does have a negative consequence, God will make positive use of it for His purposes. You and your son will not be abandoned by God.
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RE: Need pastor help with this one - 5/27/2008 12:00:37 AM
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ruthyrich
Posts: 45
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline
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You are all so right in your posts.
Like so many times, it is hard to see how large or small a storm might be when you are in the midst of it. But when it is past or almost past, you start to see things a little clearer.
Yes, I was very wrong in judging AJ's mom. Yes, I have witnessed to AJ's mom plenty of times. AJ is under house arrest from the courts. The only places she is allowed to go without mom is, School, Church and Youth Group. This means that any of the after church activities we do AJ cannot participate in without mom. So mom is there when we bowl or at our cookouts and our pool party we had this week. I do talk to her a lot. I try to get her to church, but she refuses to go. When I talk to her about God or Jesus, she clams up and refuses to talk. I have prayed for her and I only hope, that what she sees me doing with the kids will inspire her and touch her heart enough that she might finally realize that God loves her.
Since my last post, the situation has been totally resolved by the Lord. In fact, the Holy Spirit has brought more kids to my door. AJ's mom has finally loosened her reigns enough that AJ's younger two sisters are now going to church and youth group as well. AJ's mom even drove her 3 girls and their next door neighbor to church and picked them up this last Sunday. She didn't stay for services, but the two younger girls were so excited they told their mom all the way home how great the church service was.
We had nine kids this last weekend and that was with two of the regulars missing due to family visits out of town.
Next week we have a whole family coming to church with us. The mom is looking for another church as the one she had attended regularly closed recently. I am excited about this one. The mom works as a rape counselor at one of the local women's shelters. She has offered to council two of my girls that have had to deal with these issues in the past. She even has a mini van and has offered to help with transport of all the teens that are starting to show for church.
This is great as I was starting to wonder how the Lord was going to get all my teens to church on time without stuffing some of them in my trunk. LOL.
Also, for the post about the rules. I agree with them totally. I try very hard to follow them. Especially rule #1. AJ taught me this one through experience. As when she first started coming over, she tried to use us as a front. You know, "Mom, I am going to RR"S." only to come over for a quick visit and leave without calling mom, so that she could go do or be where mom said she wasn't supposed to be.
I am absolutely sure that the Holy Spirit is in charge of this operation and I am only the chauffeur and chaperon. I see way too many signs and small miracles happening around these teens for it to be anything else.
Isn't the Lord Jesus more than AWSOME?!?!!??!!!!!!
RR
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