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New here and needing some help - 4/16/2008 11:46:36 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/16/2008
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Hi I am new to this forum and am looking for some advice. Almost 2 yrs ago I found out that my husband cheated on me 15 years prior only 10 months after we married, I suspected at the time but he denied had no proof so we went on and had a good marriage. We have Come a long ways since finding out but I am areally struggling with trust. He hasn't done anything to make me not trust him but I am so afraid of anything he does for fear he'll "meet" someone. One thing that really bothers me is that my husband is very friendly, I know that shouldn't be a bad thing but it bothers me whenever he even talks to a female on the phone, he isn't having personal conversations or anything but he always uses peoples names and tells people to have a nice day ect. Can a female think someone is being flirtatious doing this or is this just normal? I don't know what normal is anymore, NEVER would this have bothered me before, but I am so insecure now. I have been trying to get my walk closer with the Lord and I pray about these things but I feel like I'm always in a fog and can't seem to hear him sometimes. Any help and advice would be great thanks
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RE: New here and needing some help - 4/17/2008 1:16:34 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2805
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
Status: offline
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(((hugs)))
I know finding out about an affair can be devastating to your self esteem, to your trust and to your marriage, but it doesn't have to be.
You said this happened about 15 yrs ago and you have had a good marriage.
I know you found out fairly recently and things like this do take time to heal but it has now been almost 2 yrs since you learned of his infidelity.
Think on those 15 yrs you have had together.
Train your mind to remember the good times and stop thinking of the one incident that marred it.
Have you forgiven him of this?
Has he asked forgiveness from you?
Satan would have you dwell on this and keep your mind in turmoil, but God would have you free from it!
Hand it to Him and determine to not think on it anymore.
_____________________________
~Kimmie
 When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: New here and needing some help - 4/17/2008 7:59:17 AM
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YZGUY
Posts: 249
Joined: 3/9/2008
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quote:
He hasn't done anything to make me not trust him but I am so afraid of anything he does for fear he'll "meet" someone.
Your battle is against your husband to trust him, but against the fear. Ed Welch, in his book "Running Scared" compared fear & worry to false prophecy...meaning that in fear there is a prediction of the future - often which does not come true. Even if any did come true, the Scriptures definition of a Prophet of God is 100% accuracy - Therefore, we are false prophets when we worry or fear. I thought this was an interesting point.
When your fear comes, give it up to Him, God's "perfect love casts out fear." It might be helpful to remind yourself "I have forgiven him his past (if you have done so already)" and "Now Lord, take these fears of mine and now I entrust my husband to You." Then, work on changing your thoughts to Thankfulness for your hubby's friendly personality (which prob. attracted you to him) and other things in your life Whatever is true, noble, honorable....etc.).
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RE: New here and needing some help - 4/17/2008 11:13:41 AM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline
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Thanks to both of you for your encouragement. I know that I need to give it all to God and I pray and pray and read scripture but I feel like I don't hear him or I feel like I'm in a fog and feel confused.
You're right it happened 15 yrs ago and we did have a good marriage, my fear is that maybe there were other times during that 15 years, he says there wasn't.
I love that my husband is friendly and I'm sure that is one of the qualities that made me fall in love with him but now that we have put hedges around our marriage I am confused as to what is appropriate and what is not, especially for someone who has already fallen into the infidelity trap. So his friendliess is something that confuses me as to how friendly is too friendly.
One of the other things I am struggling with is he says one thing but that doesn't stick. Such as he'll comfort me in something and promise me that this or that wont happen or he wont do this or that then he does it or doesn't do it. Again maybe it's ridicilous things and they aren't serious things but I don't think he should just tell me something just becasue thats what I want or need to hear. I know that I make it difficult for him because of my insecurities and fears. I just don';t know how to get past them. I know with Gods help but like I said before I feel fogged and confused with what he's telling me Thanks again
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RE: New here and needing some help - 4/17/2008 11:35:39 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2805
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
Status: offline
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OK I can see a little bit more now into the problem.
Have you spoken to him about how his "not following through" is causing you to feel confused?
You are right, he shouldn't say things just to make you feel better, if he is going to do something, he should...if he isn't going to do something, he shouldn't tell you he is.
Him not being consistent creates more distrust.
My husband is a very friendly man, more so than I want him to be, especially around women. To his credit, he is just as friendly to men as women but I seem to notice it more when it is a woman he is speaking to.
That's something I have to work through as well.
I would suggest sitting him down and having a real heart to heart with him, let him know exactly where your hurt is, and that you want to get past this.
Would he be willing to go to counseling with you?
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: New here and needing some help - 4/17/2008 12:15:09 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 249
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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There are a few other forums that talk about boundaries that I'd encourage you to read.
It sounds to me, and I couls be wrong, that your husband is a people pleaser. He probably has very good intentions but is unable to follow through. I agree that this is a heart issue that should be addressed (pleasing people vs. pleasing God) and how it affects you (in that when he says something and does not follow through damages your trust for him to be a man of his word) and sets you back.
Perhaps, again, there may also be other issues such as forgetfulness, inability to multi-task - a guy thing, or attention issues. These are not stated as excuses, but influences. In the end, we do that which is a priority for us. I've been working on my basement for the last five years - still not finished b/c it is a priority one week, but not the next 30. It becomes a priority that week b/c my wife says it needs to be and I love her. I thank God she is patient with me, though, despite my faults. And yes, I still love her the other 30 weeks too, but my priorities change
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RE: New here and needing some help - 4/17/2008 1:19:54 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline
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thanks again for your thoughts on this. That's how I feel when he says one thing but doesn't follow through it makes it hard to trust or believe anything he says. But again, maybe it's because I make things hard, I put alot of my insecurities on him such as telling me everything and I'm sure it's way overboard so maybe he's at a point that he just can't remember everything because this is new to us, I was never like that before. That's why I don't want to make a big deal about it if Im being ridiculous. He NEVER would say oh I wont go here but do it anyways. It's more like, well we talked about his "friendliness" and he said he would avoid using addressing the females with their names, well he does it with men too and I'm sure it's hard to remember not to when you do it with some people. well he did it the other day and he said he wouldn't so maybe that's me being ridiculous in my expectations of him, or him telling females to have a great day, I guess I see it as maybe someone would think (females) he's being flirtatious. I just don't know. As you can see I am confused. I just don't want to start an argument over something Im being to insecure over that I shouldn't be. I pray and pray and I just feel more confused sometimes. Thanks again. Oh and what forums talk about hedges, that would be great. We learned about some in counseling that really helped. I wanted to say that with these issues I'm having, he has done most everything to rebuild trust, such as calls me when out, accts for time ect.
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