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Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/2/2008 8:37:46 AM
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KatMack
Posts: 969
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Along the Canopy Roads
Status: offline
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Have you been through a difficult time in your marriage? Have you thought about throwing in the towel? Did you stick it out and now things are better?
We see so much hurt here in the marriage folder. It can be overwhelming at times. I'd like for us to start a thread specifically to share our Been There, Done That, Bought the T-Shirt and Now We're Okay stories to offer encouragement to our hurting brothers and sisters.
Please start your post with a keyword that describes the issues you faced and then share briefly about how the Lord saw you through it. I'll post one to get us started and show what I mean.
--Kat
_____________________________
<-- My sweet blessings.
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/2/2008 9:04:28 AM
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KatMack
Posts: 969
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Along the Canopy Roads
Status: offline
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Pornography
DH had a problem with view pornography on the internet. We fought constantly about how much it hurt me. He was convinced that he needed that outlet for stress relief and because my desire for sex wasn't as great as his. The straw that broke the camels back was when I came home one day, opened up the Internet and a site popped up on the screen right away. He'd looked at something that has installed a new home page in our browser and started giving us vile pop-up ads like you wouldn't believe.
DH suddenly realized the danger of what he was allowing into our home. Our son was five at the time and just starting to use the computer himself. Only because of the possibility of our son stumbling on something inappropriate, DH allowed me to install SafeEyes on our PC.
It's taken almost two years, but DH now sees the wisdom in not partaking in such things. He's shared with me how his thought life has improved since cutting off that influence. After much prayer on my part, MUCH arguing (some of the worst and most intense arguments of our marriage) we were able to come to an agreement.
Just for background- I couldn't broach this issue on a religious or moral basis because DH is an unbeliever. I came to know the Lord after we married.
--Kat
_____________________________
<-- My sweet blessings.
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/2/2008 11:43:15 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1496
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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We went through several marriage-killers and by God's grace came out on top: 1) the literal brain-washing that I got from my parents ("You're worthless and even God doesn't love you so don't believe the Bible because it's not for you") and resulting chaos in my life even after the death of my parents. 2) The chronic fatigue syndrome that was heading towards making me bedridden and looks like it's now being reversed (praise God!) and 3) my husband's training that all he had to do as a husband was have a job and I'd do the rest (see #2). His parents had some money, so he spent like they did, even though his paycheck was smaller, and it finally bit us (He publically tells people about this so I'm not talking behind his back).
He's starting to budget, I'm taking my meds and believing God when He says He loves me and I am precious in His sight (Isaiah 43). We celebrated our twentieth anniversary and realize that God had given both of us the idea that we'd stick it out no matter what. The other day he got real serious and said, "Thank you for not leaving me." And I replied, "Thank you for loving me inspite of everything." Every day is a little better, and our kid turned out great in spite of such incompetent parents. Praise God for His faithfulness to all of us!
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/2/2008 12:03:44 PM
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RepentanceIsRequired
Posts: 1010
Joined: 9/14/2005
From: Home is where the heart is.
Status: online
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quote:
"Thank you for not leaving me." And I replied, "Thank you for loving me inspite of everything."
My hubby and I say this to one another as well. A little over a year ago I confessed to my husband about an affair I had with two men. Before that our marriage, well it was not a marriage. We tried to live our lives as separate adults (with two babies) and yet pretended to conduct a marriage. After I confessed to him, repented and asked for his forgivness (and I did this with God as well); we sought out our Lord to restore our marriage. There are still some issues we struggle with, but we get through them together. We talk, communicate, and pray together. We help redirect one another to what God wants us to do.
The other day my mom gave me a present and on the card she wrote "This is to help celebrate your new life. You moved half way across the united states. You joined a new church and are having a baby. We love you and want you all to be happy." I looked at her, thanked her and told her (and with all honesty and even pride) I said, "I am happy. For the first time in seven years, I am very happy." I repeated this to my hubby and the smile and joy I saw in his eyes just deepened my love for him even more.
He could have easily left me (most men probably would have). Divorce was not an option for him (he grew up in a broken home), and we knew the only place to turn was to God. God truly does bring beauty from ashes.
_____________________________
--Nicole--
<--- Mary the Muffinator.
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/2/2008 3:50:06 PM
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RepentanceIsRequired
Posts: 1010
Joined: 9/14/2005
From: Home is where the heart is.
Status: online
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quote:
By God's grace our marriage is free (10.5 months) of porn, neglect, abandonment, abuse and alcohol. Our sons have a stable home life now, PTL! There is rarely any fighting/arguing and rarely any tears (on my part). Our relationship with God is growing. Especially my husband's relationship with God. There was a point in time where I seriously questioned my dh's salvation because the amount of consistent sin in his life was so great. Now he reads his Bible and prays daily. He is so much happier and feels so FREE! I think that is one of the greatest changes in him.....the feeling of freedom (from confessing and repenting).
I am so happy for you and hubby! This sounds very familiar to where we are at. We have much room to grow (which I know a lot do), but I am amazed to see how much we have both grown!
_____________________________
--Nicole--
<--- Mary the Muffinator.
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/21/2008 1:36:22 AM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4617
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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I've had a window open with this thread on it since it was started but just now I'm bringing myself to write. I don't have any single word to describe our issues, there have been so many of them.
My husband and I have been married 34 years. I was 14 when we met and he was 22. We married on my 18th birthday. He'd just turned 26. The age difference was a big thing, looking back. I hadn't formed yet who I was and if he had been the same age we would have been forming who we were together but he was so much ahead of the game that who I was got lost and for years I didn't really have an identity separate from him. Everything revolved around what he thought and wanted.
Not only were our ages different but everything else as well. He grew up on the other side of the world from me. He grew up in a well-to-do family and I grew up on welfare. He has several degrees, I only finished two years of university. I thought we were on the same page in regards to God only to find out (after we were married) that we were miles apart there too. We liked different music, had differing moral values, different expectations about marriage and so on.
Everything began to unravel on day two. I saw him as a tyrant who demanded his own way without any consideration of what my needs or wants might be. I did everything I could think of to please him but nothing ever did. When the kids came along (four sons) I took them to church alone. I took them to soccer and music lessons alone. I built up walls to protect myself. I left him once for over two years. A number of years later I left him for a summer. But despite the pain of it all, I believed God wanted me to be with him and so I stayed.
Interestingly, it was infidelity on both our parts that has led to the healing of our marriage. And it began, for both of us, in the same month of the same year--October, 2001, though I just recently discovered this. For my part, I had fallen in love with a woman who adored me. Dh had fallen in love with a woman he worked with. Both set us on a road to spiritual growth and healing.
It was in the summer of 2004 that God gave me a distinct promise that he would heal our marriage and it would be far better than I could imagine. I can imagine quite a bit! For two years after that I saw no evidence of change or healing. Many wondered why I stayed. But eventually change did start to show (I think change always stays underground to begin with because true changes happen in the heart and aren't always immediately visible).
I started noticing improvement in September of 2006 and that improvement has continued. Things are still far from ideal and in many ways we still live very separate lives but what a change. No longer does he get angry with me when I'm sick, for example. He doesn't put me down anymore and I'm starting to let him into my world. We even spent a few days away at a very romantic hide-away a few weeks ago--something I never thought he'd be willing to pay for--and we've agreed to make this an annual event. He is now following God and serving him. There's no more porn in the house, he doesn't get drunk anymore and he's become loving and considerate.
We were talking about this a couple weeks ago. For thirty-two years we tried counsellors, marriage retreats and conferences, books, everything. Nothing helped. So what did make the difference? We both began to put more of our focus on God--each of us separately, not even aware what was going on in the life of the other. My same-sex attraction issues forced me connect with God in ways I never had before and my spiritual life seemed like a jet taking off after taxiing on the runway for years. Dh began to pay attention to God because the woman he was attracted to asked him one day if he was a Christian and to save face he lied and said he was. But having said he was, he realized that he needed to start living that and so began his search for God.
God does a lot of things in an upsidedown manner. We can never put him in a box and expect him to do things the same everytime. I do believe, however, that the best way to deal with problems in our lives, whether they are marital, addictions, children, finances, is to make our pursuit of God our focus and learn to listen to his voice. We find that he enables us to get through the difficulties and he begins to reorder our thinking. And as we listen, and then obey, we will eventually find ourselves doing things we never thought we would and thinking in ways we though impossible.
We had to wait 32 years before we saw any sign of improvement in our marriage and the work has just begun but I want to encourage any here who struggle with their marriages. There is hope. Even when it seems as if nothing will ever change, it will--if you're focusing on God and learning to listen and obey. It may take over thirty years. It may take less, it may take more but there is hope. Our God is a God of miracles.
_____________________________
Maggie
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/25/2008 8:07:46 PM
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Marshasfrog
Posts: 735
Joined: 2/28/2007
From: Ohio
Status: offline
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Wonderful, Maggie.
_____________________________
I'll be back, directly.
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/25/2008 8:10:11 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4617
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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Thanks, Marsha. I know many many people here over the past seven years have been praying for us. We're not out of the woods yet but I'm beginning to see that we're getting there.
_____________________________
Maggie
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/25/2008 8:17:33 PM
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Marshasfrog
Posts: 735
Joined: 2/28/2007
From: Ohio
Status: offline
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We'll continue praying.
_____________________________
I'll be back, directly.
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RE: Offering Hope to Those Struggling - 4/25/2008 8:19:15 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4617
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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Thanks. You're a good friend.
_____________________________
Maggie
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Btw, dh is fine with me talking about these things. 
But things are better than I ever dreamed they would be. 
