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Problems with my sister - 8/6/2008 4:11:10 PM
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I-Luv-My-Flowers
Posts: 26
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
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My question is: How do you deal with people that nit-pick you in order to "promote godliness" in you?
My sister started going to church before me, was baptized, goes to Bob Jones University, goes on two or three ministry extensions a week, has a one-on-one ministry mentor, listens to SermonAudio.com in her free time, reads 2 or 3 christian books a week as part of her discipleship study, etc.
I, on the other hand, commute from home to a secular college and only go to church twice on Sundays (morning and evening services). 
We talk once a week and she, consistently, at the rate of every other week, finds something to criticize me about.
*She complains that I don't talk to her about my problems, but when I talk about some of the situations I have to deal with at school, she gives the "Well, that could never happen at my CHRISTIAN school" speech.
*She recently told me that because I might be the "only Bible that people would read," the way I dressed was offensive to God because it made me unapproachable to non-believers.
*She asks personal questions, and when I won't give her an answer, automatically concludes my reasons must be dumb.
*She says it is harder for her to criticize me than it is for me to receive it because she has to put up with my immaturity and poor argument skills.
*When I criticize her, she brushes it aside with "We're all sinners" and accuses me of harboring resentment against her.
*Her conversation is sprinkled with remarks about how much she has matured spiritually.
*She drops small nasty remarks about other denominations a LOT.
*When we talk about people at the church I go to, she says, "I went there far longer than you did and they never did that while I was there."
*When I have to skip the evening service because of a school event, she acts like I've broken the whole Lord's Day.
*After we've had a dispute, she'll act like it was nothing more than me over-reacting.
I'm not sure what to do. I've been going to church for a year now, so I may be confusing "nit-pickiness" with the real need for other believers to build each other up. The "as iron sharpens iron" verse comes to mind...
But...
It seems that she's playing emotional games with me by nagging me until I either agree with her and/or do what she wants. I've asked her to stop, so that we can chat about other things but she accuses me of being ashamed of my faith.
Any suggestions?
-Charity
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RE: Problems with my sister - 8/6/2008 5:18:03 PM
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CheshireMuse
Posts: 90
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: I-Luv-My-Flowers
My question is: How do you deal with people that nit-pick you in order to "promote godliness" in you?
My sister started going to church before me, was baptized, goes to Bob Jones University, goes on two or three ministry extensions a week, has a one-on-one ministry mentor, listens to SermonAudio.com in her free time, reads 2 or 3 christian books a week as part of her discipleship study, etc.
I, on the other hand, commute from home to a secular college and only go to church twice on Sundays (morning and evening services).
We talk once a week and she, consistently, at the rate of every other week, finds something to criticize me about.
*She complains that I don't talk to her about my problems, but when I talk about some of the situations I have to deal with at school, she gives the "Well, that could never happen at my CHRISTIAN school" speech.
*She recently told me that because I might be the "only Bible that people would read," the way I dressed was offensive to God because it made me unapproachable to non-believers.
*She asks personal questions, and when I won't give her an answer, automatically concludes my reasons must be dumb.
*She says it is harder for her to criticize me than it is for me to receive it because she has to put up with my immaturity and poor argument skills.
*When I criticize her, she brushes it aside with "We're all sinners" and accuses me of harboring resentment against her.
*Her conversation is sprinkled with remarks about how much she has matured spiritually.
*She drops small nasty remarks about other denominations a LOT.
*When we talk about people at the church I go to, she says, "I went there far longer than you did and they never did that while I was there."
*When I have to skip the evening service because of a school event, she acts like I've broken the whole Lord's Day.
*After we've had a dispute, she'll act like it was nothing more than me over-reacting.
I'm not sure what to do. I've been going to church for a year now, so I may be confusing "nit-pickiness" with the real need for other believers to build each other up. The "as iron sharpens iron" verse comes to mind...
But...
It seems that she's playing emotional games with me by nagging me until I either agree with her and/or do what she wants. I've asked her to stop, so that we can chat about other things but she accuses me of being ashamed of my faith.
Any suggestions?
-Charity
First of all, I'm so sorry that your sister treats you like this.... It sounds to me like she's not only immature (because of her incessant need to remind everyone how "mature" she is spiritually), but all has very low self-esteem. It also sounds like she may be jealous of you (because she constantly criticizes you).
If I were you I'd limit my contact with her, but also, when she picks at you remind her (as she does you) that we're all sinners.... or smile and tell her that God loves you just as you are.... then change the subject....
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
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RE: Problems with my sister - 8/6/2008 6:24:06 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1901
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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Immature-and-on-a-mission mentality is a pain. Give her grace, and give yourself some space when it gets overwhelming. She'll be wonderful as God rounds her out in godliness, so pray for her growth and your graciousness. Right now it sounds like she's got the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law. So, an E for effort (it's still between an F and a D!  ). Use Scripture to gently deal with her; she's God's work-in-progress and needs gentle handling.
quote:
ORIGINAL: I-Luv-My-Flowers
My question is: How do you deal with people that nit-pick you in order to "promote godliness" in you?
Grace. God puts up with all of us, which is far worse. Be like Him. Love. Draw near. Tell the truth when it's not a weapon of offense or defense. But don't lie down in the driveway while she's driving.
She's playing Holy Spirit with you, and that's not a job she's equipted for.
quote:
she, consistently, at the rate of every other week, finds something to criticize me about.
Tell her this. ^^^ Tell her she's dragging you down and hurting her relationship with you. When God tells us to edify each other, it means build up, not tear down. She is violating Scripture (be kind when you tell her - it will shock her and stand her worldview on its head. Give her time to see God is right. Be nice about it).
Romans 14:19
Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.
quote:
*She complains that I don't talk to her about my problems,
I'd be running, too! People who criticize aren't the same as people who help us in our weakness and hold our hands to something higher.
quote:
but when I talk about some of the situations I have to deal with at school, she gives the "Well, that could never happen at my CHRISTIAN school" speech.
She's bragging, not helping you in any way. Pride is a sin.
quote:
*She recently told me that because I might be the "only Bible that people would read," the way I dressed was offensive to God because it made me unapproachable to non-believers.
Uh... say what? How does anyone dress that offends unbelievers? They're the ones that think anything goes.
quote:
*She asks personal questions, and when I won't give her an answer, automatically concludes my reasons must be dumb.
She's getting too personal, especially for someone who constantly tears down. No way are you going to tell personal things to - she's not safe. We tell personal things to people who are wise and who love us and show it. The Bible says to believe the best of others, and she's not doing that to your silence. Her nagging has brought you to silence.
quote:
*She says it is harder for her to criticize me than it is for me to receive it because she has to put up with my immaturity and poor argument skills.
With reasoning like that, won't she be a wonderful mother?! (yes, I am being sarcastic).
quote:
*When I criticize her, she brushes it aside with "We're all sinners" and accuses me of harboring resentment against her.
Tell her to stop it. Just stop it. She's not helping, she's exaspering you and making her hard to live with, and she's making excuses. This is not biblical, nor is she showing a gentle and quiet spirit, but is contentious.
Proverbs 21:9
Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
quote:
*Her conversation is sprinkled with remarks about how much she has matured spiritually.
Proverbs 27:2
Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth; A stranger, and not your own lips.
quote:
*She drops small nasty remarks about other denominations a LOT.
Colossians 4:6
Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.
quote:
*When we talk about people at the church I go to, she says, "I went there far longer than you did and they never did that while I was there."
*When I have to skip the evening service because of a school event, she acts like I've broken the whole Lord's Day.
*After we've had a dispute, she'll act like it was nothing more than me over-reacting.
She's in college; I assume you are younger. Will your parents step in? I'm guessing your sister feels pretty safe in the lousy things she says. Yeah, you're growing up, too, and you're not perfect, but God doesn't treat us sinners like that so why is she? God didn't die and leave her in charge of the universe... or you. You need to start talking back with Scripture. It will help you to dig and to learn grace and hopefully God will grab her attention and convict her of her contentiousness and lack of grace and love.
quote:
I'm not sure what to do. I've been going to church for a year now, so I may be confusing "nit-pickiness" with the real need for other believers to build each other up. The "as iron sharpens iron" verse comes to mind...
The people on this list are building you up. Your sister is exasperating even me, and I don't live with her. She's a little girl who thinks she knows it all, and doesn't realize how little she knows (a mark of a person who knows a lot is that they think they don't know much because they are aware of how much more is out there to be learned).
I wouldn't talk to her like I'm telling you because with her I'd need to soften my words with grace, and I'm just giving you hard facts. I could take your sister on and verbally beat her to a pulp, but I never would - she's just a little girl with a twisted worldview who needs tons of grace. She, Lord willing, will be that gracious woman some day. And she'll apologize to you and mean it. Pray for her and love her, obnoxiousness and all. That's how God treats us.
quote:
But...
It seems that she's playing emotional games with me by nagging me until I either agree with her and/or do what she wants. I've asked her to stop, so that we can chat about other things but she accuses me of being ashamed of my faith.
Tell her to stop it. It's unbiblical. Show her the verses I've given you, and if she makes excuses then gently tell her she's making excuses and not responding to God's truth. Keep saying it over and over until she realizes she can't verbally batter you into a corner anymore. Just say it again like a broken record. There's nothing she can do about that.
God bless you, dear one. This won't last forever, so learn what you can, grow as much as you can, and look forward to the day she matures and loves you better. Keep thinking about the kindness with which God treats us (Eph. 2:7) and endeavor to do the same. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Problems with my sister - 8/6/2008 7:00:34 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline
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I would simply tell her "you might think you are a Christian, but your actions speak a lot louder. There's a big difference in "christian" and "Christ-like". When you decide to be more Christ - like, then I will be glad to talk with you".
Then do it. Putting down someone is NOT Christian or Christ-like!
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RE: Problems with my sister - 8/6/2008 9:12:26 PM
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delete123
Posts: 973
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
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Ilovemyflowers~
Unfortunately your sister is in a Holier than thou mode, caused by her *head* knowledge, not heart knowledge.
She is using her bible as a weapon against you as she tries to bring condemation to you. Remind yourself: There is now no more condemation for those in Christ Jesus.
I agree with stepping back when she becomes overwhelming, because this will give the enemy a chance to attack you and maybe instill doubt.
Remember the armour in Ephesians chapter 6.
Her words are suppose to bring life to your spirit not death.
I agree with DeerMousies post
CRH
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RE: Problems with my sister - 8/7/2008 10:58:31 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 779
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
My question is: How do you deal with people that nit-pick you in order to "promote godliness" in you?
*She may have been in church before you but she's still a baby in Christ...
babies usually mess up a lot before they can "walk" right!
Encourage her to pray for you to mature in your faith and do the same for her. Trust me, God will work it all out! Every time she criticizes, tell her to pray harder!
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RE: Problems with my sister - 8/9/2008 11:16:28 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 700
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
I'm not sure what to do. I've been going to church for a year now, so I may be confusing "nit-pickiness" with the real need for other believers to build each other up. The "as iron sharpens iron" verse comes to mind...
Yes, iron sharpens iron...but iron can also BLUNT iron.
Consider a sword blade. It can be sharpened with an iron file if the file is drawn along it in the right direction. However, if I hit the sword blade with the file I will not only not sharpen the sword, I will put nicks and chips in it that limit its usefulness and may also damage it to the point that it can no longer BE sharpened.
Pointing out all of your "failings" is not building you up. I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I once had someone in my life who claimed to love me who did the same thing. Nothing I did measured up. Like you I began to doubt myself...maybe I really am wrong.... I didn't have anyone to back me up...I'd been separated by most of my friends by this person. After I distanced myself from this person some, I found a book "The gentle Art of Verbal Self-defense" author Suzette Haden Elgin. It showed me that I was not crazy in imagining that I was being attacked...and that this person was an expert in verbal assault. The book helped me a lot. It also gave me some tools that have helped in subsequent interactions with this person. Also God brought some wonderful people into my life--from total strangers to relatives of that person--who affirmed me and my role/view of the situation.
So a couple of suggestions...put a stop on these attacks--I love deermousie's suggestion of using scripture to stop the attacks--not only will it bring you relief, it will also bring you closer to God--think of all the wonderful time in God's word you will have pouring over it searching for verses that will help you deflect some of the verbal barbs your sister might fire at you.
You can also use: PBPGINFMY--Please be patient, God is not finished with me yet.
If you gently suggest that your sister stop her attacks (phrase it differently as needed), and she continues, then say "sis, I'm sorry, I don't have time for this now. I'm hanging up." And do.
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