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Pursuit - 10/12/2008 2:33:37 PM
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agapemami
Posts: 147
Joined: 1/24/2006
From: somewhere over the rainbow
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What does a healthy pursuit from a man look like?
I tend to ignore the passive ones...or the ones where you're caught in a bad time and you say no to a movie and the guy dissapears forever...doesnt even call to see how you're doing anymore.
Though I overlook those passive ones...the aggressive ones scare me to pieces and Im trying to find something I can be comfortable with...
Someone recently started selling himself to me...basically laying it all out...his credentials...debt free, loves Jesus, cooks...the whole nine and I freaked out...he was pretty strong about liking me...that he wanted to stay in touch cause he likes me a lot...I dont mean to be insecure, but IM LIKE, WHY????? WHAT DO U WANT????? I get extremely cautious. Especially when given compliments (and its not because I disagree w/the compliments at all)...
Im used to being the aggressive one, LOL...obviously THAT doesnt work!
Anyhow...has anyone struggled with this? Meeting people that like you and want your time...a little scary? Might be a man who knows what he wants...might be someone with ulterior motives...time will tell, I suppose.
So, are you finicky about how you are pursued???
< Message edited by agapemami -- 10/12/2008 5:53:03 PM >
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RE: Pursuit - 10/12/2008 6:18:11 PM
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misty35
Posts: 614
Joined: 9/22/2008
From: Arkansas
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: agapemami
What does a healthy pursuit from a man look like?
I tend to ignore the passive ones...or the ones where you're caught in a bad time and you say no to a movie and the guy dissapears forever...doesnt even call to see how you're doing anymore.
Though I overlook those passive ones...the aggressive ones scare me to pieces and Im trying to find something I can be comfortable with...
Someone recently started selling himself to me...basically laying it all out...his credentials...debt free, loves Jesus, cooks...the whole nine and I freaked out...he was pretty strong about liking me...that he wanted to stay in touch cause he likes me a lot...I dont mean to be insecure, but IM LIKE, WHY????? WHAT DO U WANT????? I get extremely cautious. Especially when given compliments (and its not because I disagree w/the compliments at all)...
Im used to being the aggressive one, LOL...obviously THAT doesnt work!
Anyhow...has anyone struggled with this? Meeting people that like you and want your time...a little scary? Might be a man who knows what he wants...might be someone with ulterior motives...time will tell, I suppose.
So, are you finicky about how you are pursued???
Absolutely! Especially in the world we live in today. I dont think anyone can be too careful, and I think we should be. I believe a person can be too trusting and thats not good. I would want to know the "whys" and you have every right to know.
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RE: Pursuit - 10/12/2008 7:13:59 PM
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levimichal
Posts: 51
Joined: 10/9/2008
From: Christiansted, Virgin Islands live in Minneapolis
Status: offline
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Girls should not be pursuing the man that is getting away from the roles women are given by God.
_____________________________
Levita Michal Ayala Goeloe
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RE: Pursuit - 10/12/2008 11:47:52 PM
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Laminin
Posts: 83
Joined: 10/12/2008
From: Omaha, NE
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: agapemami
What does a healthy pursuit from a man look like?
I tend to ignore the passive ones...or the ones where you're caught in a bad time and you say no to a movie and the guy dissapears forever...doesnt even call to see how you're doing anymore.
Though I overlook those passive ones...the aggressive ones scare me to pieces and Im trying to find something I can be comfortable with...
Someone recently started selling himself to me...basically laying it all out...his credentials...debt free, loves Jesus, cooks...the whole nine and I freaked out...he was pretty strong about liking me...that he wanted to stay in touch cause he likes me a lot...I dont mean to be insecure, but IM LIKE, WHY????? WHAT DO U WANT????? I get extremely cautious. Especially when given compliments (and its not because I disagree w/the compliments at all)...
Im used to being the aggressive one, LOL...obviously THAT doesnt work!
Anyhow...has anyone struggled with this? Meeting people that like you and want your time...a little scary? Might be a man who knows what he wants...might be someone with ulterior motives...time will tell, I suppose.
So, are you finicky about how you are pursued???
I hear ya on the overlooking the passive ones, and the aggresive ones scaring the pj's off. Is there such a thing as a 'healty pursuit'? I think so, one in which both men and women should follow. Rightfully so to get a little unerved about the whole 9 yards. Some things, you just don't share until!!  I too would be a little weirded out by the 'laying it all out' and so soon at that.
Not sure if I'm finicky as I am careful. Anymore and most of the time there are ulterior motives behind the charm, and charasma. BUT... on the upside, I've always said "if men would be men, then ladies would be ladies" meaning, men by nature will persue; it is then up to us, to tailor how we are pursued by communication of the 'too strong' 'youre loosing me' or... 'bug off' 
So yes, IM FINIKY! Time is on ones side, why rush?
_____________________________
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¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Laminin*´¨)
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RE: Pursuit - 10/12/2008 11:54:43 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 167
Joined: 12/3/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: levimichal
Girls should not be pursuing the man that is getting away from the roles women are given by God.
Ruth didn't seem to think that with Boaz.
I for one don't think there's anything wrong with a woman going after a guy if she likes him. Women should be able to ask a guy out, pay for dinner, and yes even risk being shot down by a potential date. I may not be the authority on this, but just be sure your caution is legit, and not just fear of getting involved.
_____________________________
Rock on!
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RE: Pursuit - 10/13/2008 2:03:33 PM
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VBCYouthPastor
Posts: 16
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There is a healthy progression of relationships. If you're on a date and the guy is blurting out every detail about himself as fast as possible, he's probably not interested in following that progression.
Building your foundation upon friendship is the first step. An occasional compliment isn't a bad thing at all--but be weary when you've just met and they are laying it on thick! Those type of compliments, to me, are reserved for the most intimate of relationships.
It's difficult to start that progression because when you start to get those butterflies, look out! But discipline yourself to stick to your foundation and you will be glad you did when God makes it obviously clear that you're to be involved.
Blessings!
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RE: Pursuit - 10/13/2008 3:10:13 PM
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agapemami
Posts: 147
Joined: 1/24/2006
From: somewhere over the rainbow
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VBCYouthPastor,
That is amazing and quite helpful. THANK YOU for your insight.
quote:
ORIGINAL: VBCYouthPastor
There is a healthy progression of relationships. If you're on a date and the guy is blurting out every detail about himself as fast as possible, he's probably not interested in following that progression.
Building your foundation upon friendship is the first step. An occasional compliment isn't a bad thing at all--but be weary when you've just met and they are laying it on thick! Those type of compliments, to me, are reserved for the most intimate of relationships.
It's difficult to start that progression because when you start to get those butterflies, look out! But discipline yourself to stick to your foundation and you will be glad you did when God makes it obviously clear that you're to be involved.
Blessings!
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RE: Pursuit - 10/13/2008 10:00:48 PM
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levimichal
Posts: 51
Joined: 10/9/2008
From: Christiansted, Virgin Islands live in Minneapolis
Status: offline
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The man should pursue the woman. If the guy is supposed to be the head in marriage should he not be leading the courting relationship.
_____________________________
Levita Michal Ayala Goeloe
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RE: Pursuit - 10/17/2008 5:39:54 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 167
Joined: 12/3/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: levimichal
The man should pursue the woman. If the guy is supposed to be the head in marriage should he not be leading the courting relationship.
I'm still not 100% percent sure that the Bible suppourts that idea (again note the book of Ruth.)
_____________________________
Rock on!
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RE: Pursuit - 10/17/2008 10:06:39 PM
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levimichal
Posts: 51
Joined: 10/9/2008
From: Christiansted, Virgin Islands live in Minneapolis
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I would suggest reading Boy meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. When one is Christian you have to live by the word that mean women must be modest and living as God wants you to. Men must shelter their woman and female relatives. To be a man does not mean to hunt down a wild animal it is when they seek out Jesus, the word, and take care of their families. God wants those who are His to be not of this world. How can we do all that is of the world yet resolve to be different? How can we expect our lives to go different from the unsaved when we take what they have corrupted. Male and female relationships are not to have any hint of impropriety. It is supposed to be above board and transparent so that if any Godly people were to look in they would not be able to talk. It would be pleasing to God. Woman paying for men, women asking them out, and people wonder why there is no chivalry. When women lead the courtship how will they take the man becoming the head. I think the woman will put ring on his nose and will lead him around with it. Don't go by the world's standard of gaining a bride. Gain one in true Christian love that you would take care of her the rest of her days. That you would die for her. That you will not be clouded by the fog of infatuation. That you would not stake your happiness on another person. That it would be in both the good times and the bad. Don't be clouded into thinking that dating never hurt anybody.
_____________________________
Levita Michal Ayala Goeloe
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RE: Pursuit - 10/17/2008 10:17:15 PM
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Laminin
Posts: 83
Joined: 10/12/2008
From: Omaha, NE
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: levimichal
I would suggest reading Boy meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. When one is Christian you have to live by the word that mean women must be modest and living as God wants you to. Men must shelter their woman and female relatives. To be a man does not mean to hunt down a wild animal it is when they seek out Jesus, the word, and take care of their families. God wants those who are His to be not of this world. How can we do all that is of the world yet resolve to be different? How can we expect our lives to go different from the unsaved when we take what they have corrupted. Male and female relationships are not to have any hint of impropriety. It is supposed to be above board and transparent so that if any Godly people were to look in they would not be able to talk. It would be pleasing to God. Woman paying for men, women asking them out, and people wonder why there is no chivalry. When women lead the courtship how will they take the man becoming the head. I think the woman will put ring on his nose and will lead him around with it. Don't go by the world's standard of gaining a bride. Gain one in true Christian love that you would take care of her the rest of her days. That you would die for her. That you will not be clouded by the fog of infatuation. That you would not stake your happiness on another person. That it would be in both the good times and the bad. Don't be clouded into thinking that dating never hurt anybody.
I'll have to check is later book out; I've read the first two and got a lot out of them in my days of single-ism (if there is such a word).
_____________________________
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¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Laminin*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
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RE: Pursuit - 10/18/2008 1:43:59 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1901
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: StephenJ
quote:
ORIGINAL: levimichal
The man should pursue the woman. If the guy is supposed to be the head in marriage should he not be leading the courting relationship.
I'm still not 100% percent sure that the Bible suppourts that idea (again note the book of Ruth.)
Actually the book of Ruth is an excellent example of following the rules: Ruth obeyed her MIL and she waited patiently while Boaz went to the city gates and offered Naomi's land and Ruth's hand to the nearer relative for "redemption" first (which the nearest relative had first dibs according to OT law). When Ruth lay down at Boaz's feet she was showing biblical submission to God's provision to widows (Deut. 25:5). In all ways she was following God's rules in what was a very patriarical society, and Naomi even told Ruth to let Boaz take the lead in the relationship.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Pursuit - 10/18/2008 9:52:47 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 779
Joined: 11/28/2005
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I guess we all are a little picky/finicky to how we want to be pursued.
I'm kinda quick to speak up if I feel the man is being too pushy -
some just don't know how to pursue or they go by what a well meaning
friend has told them or something they've seen in a movie.
I take compliments from men in stride - I just watch to see if there's any
real feeling or sincerity behind those compliments.
At times I've been the pursuer and totally mixed up things lol!
I guess we all make mistakes or read "signals" wrong when dealing
with the opposite sex.
Example: A man I was friends with winked at me a few times and I thought he was interested in me in a romantic way... I completely misread the so called "signal" lol - turns out, an eyelash was loose and it kept flicking into his eye lol!
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RE: Pursuit - 10/19/2008 1:14:35 AM
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StephenJ
Posts: 167
Joined: 12/3/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: levimichal
I would suggest reading Boy meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. When one is Christian you have to live by the word that mean women must be modest and living as God wants you to. Men must shelter their woman and female relatives. To be a man does not mean to hunt down a wild animal it is when they seek out Jesus, the word, and take care of their families. God wants those who are His to be not of this world. How can we do all that is of the world yet resolve to be different? How can we expect our lives to go different from the unsaved when we take what they have corrupted. Male and female relationships are not to have any hint of impropriety. It is supposed to be above board and transparent so that if any Godly people were to look in they would not be able to talk. It would be pleasing to God. Woman paying for men, women asking them out, and people wonder why there is no chivalry. When women lead the courtship how will they take the man becoming the head. I think the woman will put ring on his nose and will lead him around with it. Don't go by the world's standard of gaining a bride. Gain one in true Christian love that you would take care of her the rest of her days. That you would die for her. That you will not be clouded by the fog of infatuation. That you would not stake your happiness on another person. That it would be in both the good times and the bad. Don't be clouded into thinking that dating never hurt anybody.
I've read both books (actually I just dug up the latter on one of our shelves, haven't seen it for years, maybe I should look at it again) Anyway, I don't really agree with Mr. Harris. My sister was a big proponent of his, and tried to push the idea of "courting" vs. "dating" on me when I was in Jr. High. It was one of the disagrements that lead to some of the serious hostility between the two of us that still continues.
Quite frankly I think some of the ideas put forward in Harris's books have contributed to the great sense of confusion and frustration being felt by many Christian men. It's made things so much more complicated for guys who just want to ask a girl out for coffee and feel like they have to jump through hoops to even have a chance with a nice Christian girl. I don't recall who it was but someone on this forum, in a discusion about dating vs. courting mentioned something along the lines of that there was a point in his life (before he was married) where "I don't date, I court" was the new version of "drop dead loser!" (I believe this person blamed Mr. Harris's books in part for these experiences.)
Or there's the other side of the debate (and we've had many topics on this forum about it) where a nice Christian guy thinks that's he's befriending a Christian girl so he can "court her" when in reality he's pretty much hand cuffing himself to her friend ladder. It's pretty much a sure thing by this point that nothing is ever going to happen because he's her "friend" (personal experience)
Oh well back on topic. Okay so regarding DeerMousie's interpretation of Ruth. I can acknowledge the context of a patriarchal society, but I still interpret the story through the lens of Ruth (and Naomi I'll admit that) going after Boaz. In that case it was clearly the female who initiated things. Ruth went into his room and waited for him so she could kind of place the idea in his head in a not so subtle manner. She made the offer, and Boaz wasn't against it so he went to the guy who was ahead of him (in regards to marrying Ruth) and put it on the table. The guy didn't want to marry her so he did. I don't see how that proves the idea that men should always make the first move.
It's funny I have a friend who isn't even a Christian (she's a Wiccan infact) and she told me that she eventually decided to let men persue her.
"Let him be the man." she said.
Kind of funny.
_____________________________
Rock on!
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RE: Pursuit - 10/19/2008 7:54:40 PM
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levimichal
Posts: 51
Joined: 10/9/2008
From: Christiansted, Virgin Islands live in Minneapolis
Status: offline
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I used to be the kind of girl who ended up getting crushes for most of the guys she was friends with. Not anymore thanks to God.
In submitting your desires to God, and submitting wholly, fully, and completely to Him. You do not have to worry. God will provide your needs. If God can by His grace save the sinner God can take care of something as simple as wanting marriage. Whether or not it be in God's plan for your life.
Dating I don't subscribe to it I have seen to much of it. I heard someone bemoaning the fact that she has been with someone for a long period of time yet he does not ask her to marry him.
When the person has been in other relationships before how many people are in the room when they are together? The girl may have been in love 3-4 times. When he talk to her is she remembering that her last boyfriend told her she had an infectious laugh. When a guy is looking at her does she see him or the last guy she was with.
Skeletons are not only in the closet, the other person drags it along behind as baggage. There are many issues along with it all I can say once the damage is done there is no way to undo it. There is no way to keep from remembering it.
_____________________________
Levita Michal Ayala Goeloe
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RE: Pursuit - 10/19/2008 8:04:57 PM
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Laminin
Posts: 83
Joined: 10/12/2008
From: Omaha, NE
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: levimichal
I used to be the kind of girl who ended up getting crushes for most of the guys she was friends with. Not anymore thanks to God.
In submitting your desires to God, and submitting wholly, fully, and completely to Him. You do not have to worry. God will provide your needs. If God can by His grace save the sinner God can take care of something as simple as wanting marriage. Whether or not it be in God's plan for your life.
Dating I don't subscribe to it I have seen to much of it. I heard someone bemoaning the fact that she has been with someone for a long period of time yet he does not ask her to marry him.
When the person has been in other relationships before how many people are in the room when they are together? The girl may have been in love 3-4 times. When he talk to her is she remembering that her last boyfriend told her she had an infectious laugh. When a guy is looking at her does she see him or the last guy she was with.
Skeletons are not only in the closet, the other person drags it along behind as baggage. There are many issues along with it all I can say once the damage is done there is no way to undo it. There is no way to keep from remembering it.
Well said and oddly enough, how fitting for what I was just talking about today! God's good!!!
_____________________________
*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Laminin*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
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