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Question? - 4/9/2008 5:03:10 PM
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April75
Posts: 265
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I handle all the bills in my marriage. It's easier to me I guess but husband has said he would get involved but it never lasts. He knows some things about the bills but not too much.
Without me knowing it my husband asked his brother for money to fix his window. He told me later. He says he told him nevermind. Well he transferred the money to my husbands mom and dad checking account. So this involved them without me knowing any of this. So I get there and their discussing how we can get the money from them. She tells my husband in front of me that she can write me a check and I go cash on my lunch break(which is impossible for me to do, since I have other things to do). They finally decide to just go to the bank and give the money to my husband the next day.
I feel like this was none of their business and I really don't like them in my business like this. Even if I knew about him asking them for money in the first place I wouldn't want them to know. Was I right in this? Did I feel this way because of my pride? I was trying to check myself.
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RE: Question? - 4/9/2008 5:24:11 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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It seems to me that you handle the ordinary day-to-day finances nicely, but maybe need to realize that your husband is capable of having a hand-in too. He was able to find the money to fix his window. I don't see how his actions disturbed the family finances from a paying the bills perspective.
Consider, if he was at work, and his boss said, "Hey, work an hour late today to finish this special thing, and I'll add a $100 bonus to your next paycheck." So, next month the $100 shows up in your account - how nice, right?
The difference is that your husband isn't getting extra money from his employer, he's involving his family, and now all these people are getting the impression that your family is shy of cash. And who's fault does that feel like?
If maybe your family is expected to pay his brother back, then you would become the one to try to make that happen while paying all the other bills etc. That might be a source for valid frustration, but if it is just a gift, then, yes I think it's a case of not wanting your in-laws to see your dirty laundry (which is pride).
That's probably why your husband was trying to spare you from the process of him asking his family for money. He probably didn't tell you because he didn't want you to feel humiliated. Remember, he grew up with these people, and he probably doesn't feel the 'dirty laundry' thing so strongly. He probably also didn't want your reaction to his family seeing your situation to prevent him from doing what he thought was the practical thing. (Also, depending how the window got broken, there might be the perspective that he was trying to clean up his own mess without involving you for that reason.)
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RE: Question? - 4/9/2008 5:41:52 PM
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IonMoon
Posts: 918
Joined: 4/21/2005
From: The Unted State of Confusion
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Was the money available to fix the window without borrowing? If not, then I would say you are wrong in not wanting to borrow and being embarrassed about his parents knowing. That is what family is for--to help eachother out when there is a need!
If you do have the money... he shouldn't be borrowing or asking for help from other family members.
Either way, though, part of your feelings are probably due to your dh not being completely honest with you and doing this behind your back. He needs to be open and honest about these things.
Tara P
_____________________________
http://www.geocities.com/hallscola67/KyliesHomemadeShopIndex.htm
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RE: Question? - 4/9/2008 5:55:30 PM
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preserved
Posts: 753
Joined: 6/12/2007
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ok..You handle the bills in your household...You are upset because you husband borrowed money from his brother to repair his window...So the brother transferred the money to their mother and father's account...It became your parents business when the funds was transferred into their account!! It was never your business in the first place because the transaction did not take place in your household account...I think you are getting bent over nothing on this...
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RE: Question? - 4/9/2008 10:19:25 PM
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April75
Posts: 265
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Thanks for everyone's advice. Yeah I do think some of it was pride on my part.
It was surprising when they started talking about it altogether and I didn't know he actually gave him the money. They involved me in it by asking how could they get us the money and were trying to make sure we got it done and if we had enough. He never checked our accounts for the money. We actually did have enough money. I don't think he knew we had enough though. I don't think he has to pay them back because they recently came into a lot of money. I think he could've waited until we were in distress or something big before he started asking them for money. I wouldn't go behind his back asking my parents or siblings for money. I don't want to be that one family member with a handout because they just came into some money. I thought my husbands reasons weren't as pure. I felt like he had just asked them because they had it to give. I kinda also think it's a little different in asking your sibling for money rather than your parents. I don't mind as much he asked his brother but his brother transferred the money to his parents account. I didn't want to involve them.
We are ok. We didn't argue over it or anything. I just told him how I felt. This happened a few weeks ago. Thanks again for the advice.
Oh one more thing I wasn't upset because I handle the bills and he got the money from somewhere else. I wanted to give the full story and actually add something in my husbands favor. Just to let you know he didn't really know if we had enough money or not.
< Message edited by HesallIneed -- 4/9/2008 10:28:21 PM >
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RE: Question? - 4/16/2008 11:03:48 PM
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graftedintoo
Posts: 25
Joined: 3/7/2008
From: Indiana
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If he is your husband, anything he does is always your business, in my opinion. Neither one of us ever do anything financially without consulting the other.
Now that it is already done, I agree with the other lady who said to let it go though. It is too late now and you don't want to keep the issue alive. It will pass. Forgive him and try to move on. Need to take my own advice tonight on my last comment
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RE: Question? - 4/17/2008 4:34:14 PM
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April75
Posts: 265
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(anything he does is always your business) That's what I was thinking.
I think they were thinking I wanted to be in control because I handled the money. I only made that comment to let them know he was making a decision not knowing how much money we even had.
You're right letting it goes was the best thing. Thanks.
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RE: Question? - 4/17/2008 6:21:06 PM
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preserved
Posts: 753
Joined: 6/12/2007
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It does seem that you are in control...(and may not be aware of it) You keep referring to the fact that there was enough funds in your account...
Your husband went to his brother..Other wise why could your husband have not come to you for the funds...which leads me to think that there is some control on your part...
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RE: Question? - 4/18/2008 9:02:26 AM
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April75
Posts: 265
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That is your opinion but not fact or truth. Thanks for the advice. I explained everything I could. I actually would like him to step in and start taking care of the bills. He trying at this point but forgets about it because I guess he's use to me taking care of everything. We've been married 6 years and he's never asked anyone for money to fix his car. We've had to fix many, many things on this same car. But at the time his brother didn't have a lot of money.
< Message edited by HesallIneed -- 4/18/2008 9:08:48 AM >
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RE: Question? - 4/18/2008 10:07:38 AM
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April75
Posts: 265
Status: offline
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You know what: preserved, I apologize because I took offense to what you said. My husband is controling by nature and I was thinking you're saying the total opposite and it wasn't true. Sometimes I do have to insert my feelings to him because if I say nothing he will walk all over me.
Something happened last night with his father that was very controling in my eyes and I was hurt by it so I really took offense to what you said. Sorry if I came off as harsh.
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RE: Question? - 4/18/2008 3:00:10 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4192
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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confusing ... if your husband borrowed $100 to fix his own window yes that is a valid concern ... borrower is slave to the lender ... why borrow if you have ... instead of you doing the bills or your husband, is there some middle ground where they are done together?
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RE: Question? - 4/18/2008 4:04:50 PM
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April75
Posts: 265
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Yes, yes I hope there will be or that it continues. He paid some of the bills last week and is paying them this week. He has started trying to involve himself with the bills maybe 5 times or at least saying he was since we've been married. But as a couple of days go by it's no longer in his mind. So I have to remember and do it.
He did tell me today that he wants to rearrange the way we pay them to how he wants them. I think that's good because it will give him experience with paying them and since he came up with it I hope that it will stay on his mind to do. Takes some of the weight off my shoulders having to do everything.
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RE: Question? - 4/21/2008 2:10:41 PM
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tiffywal
Posts: 51
Joined: 4/14/2008
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Your husband should have come to you to see if the money was available to fix the window. At the same time, I ask did you know that the window was broken? If so why didn't you just tell him that there was enough money in the account for him to get it fixed. My DH handles all finances in our house, however once all the bills are piad he either lets me see his bills sheet that shows whats paid and how much money is left over or I go look at the account myself. It seems like when you pay bills you need to include him in the actual bill paying to get him up to speed so he won't feel like he has to go to someone else for money. Communication is key.
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RE: Question? - 4/21/2008 3:54:57 PM
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preserved
Posts: 753
Joined: 6/12/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tiffywal
Your husband should have come to you to see if the money was available to fix the window. At the same time, I ask did you know that the window was broken? If so why didn't you just tell him that there was enough money in the account for him to get it fixed. My DH handles all finances in our house, however once all the bills are piad he either lets me see his bills sheet that shows whats paid and how much money is left over or I go look at the account myself. It seems like when you pay bills you need to include him in the actual bill paying to get him up to speed so he won't feel like he has to go to someone else for money. Communication is key.
Very true
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RE: Question? - 4/22/2008 11:00:48 AM
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April75
Posts: 265
Status: offline
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Thanks preserved.
I have no problem with showing him what's left. I can make him look at it though. I do encourage to look at the accounts. Sometimes I give him a heads up on what's left. Yes I knew about the window. It's not as simple as it sounds(why dont I just tell him). I do tell him certain things he either forgets or acts like it's not a big deal. I can't make him it has to be something he wants to do and takes initiative to do.
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