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Question - 5/7/2008 12:29:21 PM
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HesallIneed
Posts: 437
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I just read another post and thought I would ask this question. Is there any responsibility on the families part to do or say anything when someone is getting married to someone who doesn't know the whole story? If you are asked to be in the wedding but you know things that might hurt the marriage should you just grin and bare it and pretend you don't?
Should you just be in the wedding and act as if nothing is wrong? I'll just say I don't think the fiancee knows fully the ways of my brother. This will be his second marriage. I was in the first also and we supported him. It didn't last long but it wasn't fully his because of him. They are both christians and live together part of the week.
I want to say I would never just go telling things that may hurt someone but I feel a little uncomfortable that she doesnt know the whole story about him really.
I edited part because I just don't want to dish his business in that way.
< Message edited by HesallIneed -- 5/7/2008 12:37:17 PM >
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RE: Question - 5/7/2008 12:39:06 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1012
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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You might want to have a brief, clear conversation (with both of them present) about the challenges that might work against their happiness in marriage. Ask them if they discussed these things in their pre-marriage counseling.
IF you can do this with a spirit of hoping that, if you make them aware of it, then they can make a plan to cope with the challenges and be happy together, then it might do some good. IF you can't do it that way, leave it alone.
Interference is likely to loose you both a brother and a ministry opportunity. He doesn't need your 'support' to get married. He will do it with or without your reservations... So, yeah, grin and bear it, and then try to help it all not go as badly as you fear.
Perhaps you could wait to give them a wedding gift of 'newlywed counseling' (with a professional) if/when you see things start to go poorly between them.
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RE: Question - 5/7/2008 1:03:32 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1296
Joined: 6/12/2007
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No there is no responsibility for families to say anything once the marriage proposal has been accepted...If you knew the whole story then it should have been said during the dating time frame..
So in this instance...you'll have to grin and bear it...neither party may want to listen to you at this point
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RE: Question - 5/7/2008 1:05:12 PM
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HesallIneed
Posts: 437
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Actually come to think of it. 2 month after they started dating she was talking about the things her ex did her(her childs father). Right there in front of her child. I could see she is still really hurt by it. She told a lot of the situation. My brother is not as harsh as her ex but I could see from what she was saying that he has some of the same selfish ways her ex has. I did hint to her after she she said something about her ex buying trivial things and not paying bills that my can be like that. I had forgotten all about it. I asked them about couseling and they said yeah they are going to get it. The fact is the Pastor is my brothers good friend and has some issue's in his marriage from what I understand. My brother and her live together part of the week and get up and come to church together.
I'm remembering now she did tell me that they would be fine because they've both been married before. She was married 5 years but my brother really less than a couple months(they were together). My brother has been saved for years and she started when she met him.
What I meant by support is that the whole family was in the wedding, gave money and went with it because it was his choice. I don't mean anything else by that. Trust me I'm married and I know they don't need me to support them in order to have a marriage.
To be honest since he's been dating her we don't talk to him much and my sister lives with him. He treats my sister rudely and doesn't pay or doesn't pay on time the bills to her. It kinda seems they are in their own little world and think everyone is against them(nothing has been said to them against their marriage).
I do know she had problems with her ex' s family. They did her very wrong. I've only seen them about 3 times since August of last year. My sister attended the same church with them for a while and she would avoid her purposely but nothing was said or happened between the two. I don't think we would lose my brother because we felt a certain way. We just can't tell him much because he thinks he knows everything(not just with this situation).
I didnt remember the conversation we all had until now. The relationship was so new then. My brother is a decent person and from what I know of her she's independent and smart. I hope some of that rubs off on my brother. I hope they do well. Thanks for the advice I understood what you were saying.
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RE: Question - 5/7/2008 1:13:04 PM
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HesallIneed
Posts: 437
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Thanks preserved,
I do get it. I don't want to cause any problems for them. I just had that little feeling in the back of my mind that was sticking up a little as to whether I had any responsibility. They are still in the dating timeframe. I knew nothing of her before the proposal just that he showed us a picture of her thighs in his cellphone.
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RE: Question - 5/7/2008 1:19:12 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 4923
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Is this something that she needs to know? That will affect them together as a couple? Or were there issues in his first marriage (or even prior) that were due to circumstances between him and the first wife (or in a previous relationship) that really are not a part of this relationship with his new fiancee?
I ask this, simply because if it's something that is caused by personality conflicts, perhaps it's best to say nothing. A relationship between two people is going to be different depending upon the parties involved. My ex and I had huge issues, but with someone else ... who knows? Could be beautiful chemistry. Make sense?
If he murdered someone or was a drug dealer, or suffers from a serious mental illness, and he's been deceitful and not told his fiancee ... yes, she has a right to know. It would be very wrong for him to not disclose that kind of information. I would hope that they would have revealed such important information about their pasts to each other, but who's to know? There are times issues like this are discussed privately, dealt with privately ... either between the two of them, or in premarital counseling ... and nobody would be the wiser.
Personally, I would not say anything directly to his fiancee, I would think it best to pray about it, seek guidance from God, search the Bible for advice and scripture to bring to a discussion with your brother, and then arrange a time that will be uninterrupted to talk with him. Approach it from the angle that complete honesty in a relationship is key to laying a firm foundation of trust, and if she were to find out information that should have come from him afterwards it could be devastating.
Above all, stick to the facts, try not to become emotional or angry, and speak from your heart in love. Let him know you love him and will support him, and offer to be there for him emotionally, spiritually and/or physically when he discusses it with her.
_____________________________
Sam
Though the sound overpowers, sing again, with your dear voice revealing a tone
Of some world far from ours, where music and moonlight and feeling are one
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RE: Question - 5/7/2008 2:04:10 PM
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HesallIneed
Posts: 437
Status: offline
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I guess really the issue is he needs to grow up and it's hard to compromise with him on anything ever. It seems he's just being nice for the time being until she finds him out. I don't want people to think I'm into their business or anything. I hardly see or speak with him. I recently started calling him so that I can have a relationship with him. My sister had some issues with how he was treating her and not doing his part at the house they live in together. They had a spat and he called me to explain his part and see if I agreed with my sister. He misplaced something of hers which has happened several times. I didn't want him to think I was in on that and wanted him to know that I love him. I actually was encouraging him. Sometimes it's hard to talk to him because his patience is short and if he doesn't like what you're saying about anything or if he doesn't feel like talking he will hang up in your face. So I told him what I could. Even then on the phone he didn't have any regard for anything but himself.
I think his first wife had some of the same issues with him(he said so) but she was cheating(from the beginning) and didn't want the relationship so they never really came to the point of dealing with his issues since she was doing her own thing.
Yes, I agree with people treating certain others differently depending on the relationship. No it's none of those things so it isnt' that serious. The issues with him are financial and being responsible which he's not at this point.
I guess another issue is my sister feels dumped on because he's not doing his part with living with her. He's broken things and has taken over a lot of the house space with junk. She doesn't know how to get him to get his stuff out because it's causing insects. I'm not really in the middle but they both are involving me in this. I can say I agree with my sister because he needs to fix things he breaks and pay his bills. She's stuck paying some his bills in the house and doesn't have much money to pay for her dress and things for his wedding. I guess I am in the middle. Maybe he won't do her like he does us. One may have nothing to do with the other.
It does seem also my brother keeps getting into relationship with women who are not emotionally available.
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RE: Question - 5/7/2008 2:26:14 PM
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timf
Posts: 793
Joined: 10/20/2006
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Is there any responsibility on the families part to do or say anything when someone is getting married to someone who doesn't know the whole story?
You can use the golden rule. If the situation was reversed, would you want someone to tell you? If you decide that a person should know something, you can approach them with an inquiry to see if they are interested. For example you could ask them if someone had an idea that there was a reason they shouldn't get married, would they want to hear it or wish the other person would mind their own business.
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