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Room mates - 7/30/2008 12:27:32 PM
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drowning
Posts: 5
Joined: 2/8/2006
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I'm a 23 year old female. My boyfriend(Tyler) and I bought a house together in March. We are in a serious christian relationship. I do not live in this house with him and do not plan on doing so until we are married.
Tyler comes from a broken family. He is the oldest child(23) and has a younger brother(21). His parents are divorced. His mother cheated on his father. His parents also went bankrupt. Tyler lives with his father and brother in our home. His brother and his girlfriend are christians but they choose to live under the same roof together in our home.
Tyler and I have worked really hard to buy this home. In fact, we have done it all ourselves. His parents are in no shape to help us as he does not have a relationship with his mother and his father spends his money recklessly. Tyler wants to show my parents that he can manage this house for us and reassure them that he will be able to take care of me when we get married.
Tylers brother and live in girlfriend bring their dog to our house. They never asked us if they could. I'm somewhat happy that they feel comfortable to do whatever they want to in the house. But their dog is not trained. We have told them that if they are to leave the house, they have to leave the dog in their room with the door closed. They don't listen to us. I'm sad to come over to this house that Tyler and I have worked so hard to buy and smell pee or dog.
Tyler and I will buy groceries for the house and it will be gone and used by everyone else. The other three don't really buy groceries and if they do its for themselves. (things that we will not eat or drink). They will leave dishes in the sink expecting me or Tyler to do it. They will leave things around the house so that we pick it up or throw it away. Its come to the point where we are thinking of kicking them out....
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 12:33:39 PM
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drowning
Posts: 5
Joined: 2/8/2006
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I understand that when I marry Tyler that his family will be my family. I understand I might have to live with Tylers dad because he has been spending his money recklessly. I don't want to kick out his brother and girlfriend because I don't want to push his brother away. I'm sure his dad would like his family all in one roof....
I just wish that they would respect this house. Tyler and I are not maids. And its not like they are little kids or anything. Its come to the point where I am sad to go over because it doesn't feel like my house.
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 12:40:05 PM
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drowning
Posts: 5
Joined: 2/8/2006
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I should be thankful though that this whole ordeal has made me really appreciate my mom. My mom does so much around our house(the one I live with my parents in). I never really understood how hard it is to maintain it.
I apologize for being all over the place... but when I first met Tyler he was not a christian. I felt a strong conviction in my heart that God wanted me to be a part of his life. We were friends first when God used me to lead him to Christ. Secretly, I felt or knew that I wanted to give him everything. A good example of this is not a house but a home if that makes sense.
I am thinking... I can't give Tyler a home and not the others... Could you all give me advice on what you have done with your pesky room mates? Or how Tyler and I should handle this?
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 12:48:20 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6387
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
Status: offline
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quote:
I understand that when I marry Tyler that his family will be my family. I understand I might have to live with Tylers dad because he has been spending his money recklessly. I don't want to kick out his brother and girlfriend because I don't want to push his brother away. I'm sure his dad would like his family all in one roof....
They will continue to abuse you and Tyler after you are married, and eventually it will ruin your relationship and probably end in divorce.
Tyler needs to evict his family since pleading with them to be responsible has not worked. It is NOT his job to take care of his father when his father is irresponsible. Not only is the family expecting the two of you to clean up their house messes, they are expecting you to clean up their life messes, and trust me, that will go on forever unless Tyler puts a stop to it.
If Tyler will not do this, then he needs to buy out your portion of the house and you need to go your separate ways.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 1:05:21 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3118
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: drowning
I'm a 23 year old female. My boyfriend(Tyler) and I bought a house together in March. We are in a serious christian relationship. I do not live in this house with him and do not plan on doing so until we are married.
Tyler comes from a broken family. He is the oldest child(23) and has a younger brother(21). His parents are divorced. His mother cheated on his father. His parents also went bankrupt. Tyler lives with his father and brother in our home. His brother and his girlfriend are christians but they choose to live under the same roof together in our home.
Tyler and I have worked really hard to buy this home. In fact, we have done it all ourselves. His parents are in no shape to help us as he does not have a relationship with his mother and his father spends his money recklessly. Tyler wants to show my parents that he can manage this house for us and reassure them that he will be able to take care of me when we get married.
Tylers brother and live in girlfriend bring their dog to our house. They never asked us if they could. I'm somewhat happy that they feel comfortable to do whatever they want to in the house. But their dog is not trained. We have told them that if they are to leave the house, they have to leave the dog in their room with the door closed. They don't listen to us. I'm sad to come over to this house that Tyler and I have worked so hard to buy and smell pee or dog.
Tyler and I will buy groceries for the house and it will be gone and used by everyone else. The other three don't really buy groceries and if they do its for themselves. (things that we will not eat or drink). They will leave dishes in the sink expecting me or Tyler to do it. They will leave things around the house so that we pick it up or throw it away. Its come to the point where we are thinking of kicking them out....
I have a couple of questions...
You don't live there and do not plan to do so until you are married, right? You and Tyler obviously think it would be wrong or sinful to do so, right? Then, why don't you and Tyler have a problem with his brother and his girlfriend bringing darkness into your home by shacking up there?
How long are you and Tyler willing to be doormats for these people? How long will you allow them to wipe their dirty feet off all over you before you say enough is enough?
If you think they won't have a detrimental impact on your relationship and future marriage, you are highly mistaken.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 1:11:30 PM
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drowning
Posts: 5
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline
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Oh believe me, I'm not happy that his brother and his girlfriend live together. In fact, I can't even understand why her mother lets that happen too. Sometimes they stay at her house.
I understand where you guys are coming from... I just want to try and show gods love by being loving. I don't want Tyler to severe his relationships with his family like that. But I do understand that his brother and father have serious problems. They do not save any money at all. But I don't want them to be homeless or resentful. Tyler is actually the one who wants to kick them out. I just want to see if there is another way around this.
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 1:22:07 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1638
Joined: 5/27/2006
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drowning,
Before you go any further in this situation you should read any of Ruby K. Payne's books on Poverty Class but especially Crossing the Tracks for Love. I also recommend A Framework for Understanding Poverty.
We all grow up with certain assumptions about life and love and the way things are. In poverty class culture, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. No one seems to understand planning for the future and taking care of possessions, because they were raised to believe that they are just born poor, life is unfair, and you never know what tomorrow brings but it will be some kind of crisis. They are very generous and very selfish at the same time.
Personally, it is a long jump to go from poverty to middle class values, and I am not sure I would be involved with someone in the middle of the transition. If your fiancee is highly motivated to become more successful, and it sounds like he is, then he can make it. But a certain amount of detachment from family is critical.
Poverty class family will sabotage his efforts at every chance. I think it is because it forces them to accept responsibility for their own situation, and they do not accept that. If no one escapes, then all their assumptions about life being unfair and the poor being screwed over by the rich, etc. can remain unchallenged. Woe to the family member who tries to get out. He must be prepared to weather some gossip, slander and unhappy situations in order to escape.
What I am trying to tell you is that there is no way to solve this problem without offending people.
You have to be willing to offend people and be unliked if you are going to be able to maintain your property values. You may need to kick some people out. You certainly must insist that the dog be crated or stay outside.
These people are treating you like one of the family- they do not properly care for or maintain their own property. If they get something nice it will no doubt be ruined in short season- left in the rain, unwashed, dropped in the yard and abandoned, left on a table in the garage to get oil spilled on it, etc.
I recently spent a year and a half ministering to a family from poverty culture. The books helped a lot. I think our family was able to be a blessing in some ways. Best wishes to you in your future.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 1:26:19 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3118
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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quote:
I just want to try and show gods love by being loving.
Since when is is "loving" to allow people to walk all over you and enable them to contuinue in sinful behaviors and practices. Maybe if someone would have been less enabling with Tyler's father he wouldn't be in the dire financial straits he's in now. Maybe if someone put their foot down and didn't give his brother a place to fornicate with his girlfriend he might realize it was wrong and make a change in his life. HELLO?!?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 2:17:35 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6387
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
Status: offline
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quote:
I just want to try and show gods love by being loving Is it really loving to help people continue to make bad decisions? I don't think so!
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 2:24:22 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5993
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: drowning
I understand where you guys are coming from... I just want to try and show gods love by being loving.
What God wants is for adults to take responsibility for themselves. It is not loving people to let them sponge off you, it's actually enabling them to remain irresponsible.
quote:
Tyler is actually the one who wants to kick them out.
Then respect him, stand by him, and support him. Otherwise you are putting his family before him, which is not healthy at all.
quote:
They do not save any money at all.
And they won't do while you keep providing for them.
quote:
But I don't want them to be homeless or resentful.
Maybe they NEED to become homeless before they will sort themselves out. Sometimes God needs to bring us right down so that we will turn to Him. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you could actually be holding up His purposes here, delaying His Spirit from being able to work in them.
And if they are resentful? It's not your responsibility how they feel, it's theirs. If they choose to feel resentful that will be their choice, and nothing to do with you.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 3:18:35 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3118
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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quote:
I have two suggestions for getting rid of the pesky creatures. The first a girlfriend of mine did when she figured it was time for her 25 year old son to move out...she raised the rent by $100 each month until he got the message. He finally moved out when his rent for the room was $800/month.
I have an even better idea. Confront them with their behavior and tell them why it's wrong and why you will no longer put up with it. Doh!!!
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 3:26:10 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
Joined: 2/25/2008
From: United States of America
Status: offline
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Realize that this house stopped being yours, and started being Tyler's and his relatives the minute the freeloaders moved in.
The bum father, the shacked up couple, ALL need to be given a short time frame to GET OUT.
Or give you back whatever money you invested, and get it out of your name.
You and your finances are getting thrown under the bus by Tyler & Co.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 3:33:03 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 11462
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
Status: offline
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Do they pay rent?
Were there any ground rules established when they moved in?
Give them a deadline and STICK TO IT. "We need you to be out of the house in 60 days / by September 30th." Then keep reminding them. Ask them if they're having luck finding a new place. If they aren't, sympathize: "I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it. It's a good thing you have a full 60 days." The closer the deadline gets, the more you have to stand firm. Offer to help them pack. On the morning of October 1st, if they're not out, set their stuff neatly outside and change the locks.
Do all this graciously and lovingly, but with firmness and unity.
The next time you decide to take in roommates, draw up a rental agreement with all the rules spelled out: pets, chores, food/groceries/supplies, rent, sinful lifestyle (sexual sin, drugs, whatever), etc. and the consequences for not following through on either side. Do this even if it's family.
_____________________________
Tricia
"There's a fine line between being open-minded and empty-headed." ~Michael Coren
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RE: Room mates - 7/30/2008 8:39:31 PM
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makarizo
Posts: 2979
Joined: 4/13/2005
Status: offline
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this situation is completely unacceptable!!
do you dedicate your house to the LORD??
if so than why allow the shacking up??
it is soooo easy to "hey... this is an unacceptable situation, and if you want to play the shack up game, do it somewhere else. this house belongs to God."
are they going to buy you a new carpet?
_____________________________
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