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RE: Single Parents - 6/29/2008 9:35:29 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
My question to the single people out there is, does the behaviour of the child/children play into your decision as to how far you will take a relationship?
Yes. I think how the parent responds to the behavior even more so then the actual behavior, especially when the parenting duties are split between two parents.
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RE: Single Parents - 6/29/2008 10:04:11 PM
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LabGuy
Posts: 2877
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From: NW Pennsylvania
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Dating a single parent can be daunting and hard work, and it can be fun and hilarious too.
My question to the single people out there is, does the behaviour of the child/children play into your decision as to how far you will take a relationship?
If you need further clarification just ask. 
Well speaking as a single man with little to no experience with children, I would say yes, it would factor in. Because becoming a parent is an awesome responsibility before God, and one has to realistically evaluate whether they can shoulder that responsibility. Being a step-parent carries challenges even over and above that. (My pastor once described it as "the hardest job in the world".) Partly I would imagine it's because the natural parental bond simply isn't there - it must be forged.
Now if the children are well-behaved and respectful I think the odds are a lot higher they'd willingly accept me as a parent, making it easier to form that bond. But if the children are rebellious and undisciplined with their natural parent, I'm going to think what chance have I got? And if I don't think I can be what the children need, I'm not going to proceed. It would not be fair to them or their mother, and (IMHO) would dishonor God.
-Robb
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Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. - II Corinthians 5:17
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RE: Single Parents - 6/29/2008 10:57:02 PM
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KuKu
Posts: 634
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: Somewhere out there
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Joy
Yes. I think how the parent responds to the behavior even more so then the actual behavior
quote:
ORIGINAL: LabGuy
Now if the children are well-behaved and respectful I think the odds are a lot higher they'd willingly accept me as a parent, making it easier to form that bond. But if the children are rebellious and undisciplined with their natural parent, I'm going to think what chance have I got? And if I don't think I can be what the children need, I'm not going to proceed. It would not be fair to them
Agree with both of these- I dated a few guys with kids, and though they liked me well enough, I don't think it would have gone well in the long run, partly because of Mom- who has to be considered as well... and since I currently live with someone else's kids, I know how hard it is to be the 'step' in parent, and it would take a SPECIAL relationship to make that effort worth it.
I don't doubt that there are people out there worth the effort, and if I met one, I'd make the effort, but I know it's really hard...
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We are mortal until God is done with us C.S.S. 
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 12:34:11 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 1920
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From: California
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quote:
My question to the single people out there is, does the behaviour of the child/children play into your decision as to how far you will take a relationship?
99% of the time, I hit it off well with children, and I'm not that talented in relating to men, so I always thought if I met a guy with kids who met other spiritual and personality qualifications, I always thought him having kid(s), would break the ice. However, I also don't naively assume being a step mom would be easy, so yeah, the guy would have to be a good dad, but I don't think kids would necessarily skeer (misspelled on purpose) me, unless they were TOTAL hellions.
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 7:41:02 AM
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David_D
Posts: 126
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From: OH AYTCH - EYE OH
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
My question to the single people out there is, does the behaviour of the child/children play into your decision as to how far you will take a relationship?
Sure it does. I've never been married, never had kids, so I don't have the first clue how to be a parent. The idea of stepping into a step-father role is scary enough, but that of doing so with one or more little monsters is downright terrifying. Conversely, well-behaved kids make the idea much easier to entertain.
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O for grace to trust Him more!
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 7:46:26 AM
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okrox
Posts: 138
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LabGuy
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Dating a single parent can be daunting and hard work, and it can be fun and hilarious too.
My question to the single people out there is, does the behaviour of the child/children play into your decision as to how far you will take a relationship?
If you need further clarification just ask.
Well speaking as a single man with little to no experience with children, I would say yes, it would factor in. Because becoming a parent is an awesome responsibility before God, and one has to realistically evaluate whether they can shoulder that responsibility. Being a step-parent carries challenges even over and above that. (My pastor once described it as "the hardest job in the world".) Partly I would imagine it's because the natural parental bond simply isn't there - it must be forged.
Now if the children are well-behaved and respectful I think the odds are a lot higher they'd willingly accept me as a parent, making it easier to form that bond. But if the children are rebellious and undisciplined with their natural parent, I'm going to think what chance have I got? And if I don't think I can be what the children need, I'm not going to proceed. It would not be fair to them or their mother, and (IMHO) would dishonor God.
-Robb
Very good, Robb.
Very, very good.
Single parents have to be brutally honest with themselves about this. Step-children have HUGE ramifications in a marriage. Fair or not, you are advertising and selling (or buying) the total package. The kids have to be factored in. And like joy2 says, the parent's reaction is equally important.
Think about this, single parents: It is nearly impossible for both original parents, when still married, not to disagree and fight about how to raise children. How much harder will it be when one of the parents is not even the actual parent?
Oh, and don't forget--just because step-children may be older and soon out of the house doesn't mean you've got it easy, either. I have seen adult step-children wreak havoc in second marriages, too. Generally, this is because of one parent's inability to set appropriate boundaries. So yeah, it matters. Greatly.
< Message edited by okrox -- 6/30/2008 7:56:24 AM >
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Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 11:48:11 AM
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Blazingson
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quote:
Yes. I think how the parent responds to the behavior even more so then the actual behavior, especially when the parenting duties are split between two parents.
I agree with this one hundred percent also. How the children behave is less important than how the parent responds to the behavior. Unless the children are showing early signs of being psychotic or sociopaths.
One thing that would turn me off immediately would be if she insisted the kids accompany us on the first date, no matter how well behaved they are.
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*Eric G.*
Matthew 5:16
Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 3:38:49 PM
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LabGuy
Posts: 2877
Joined: 9/22/2007
From: NW Pennsylvania
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
One thing I would caution those who have no children is, as long as the children are living in your home, whether it be full time or part time, they are YOUR children, not your step children. There is no his or hers, there is only ours.
That is a wonderful way of looking at it. And a good way to promote the familial bond, by doing away with any sort of distinction. But the trick is if the children can look at it the same way.
quote:
Mind you, even though I have good children, and they are well mannered and well behaved (and I'm not bragging...I can provide references if necessary.  ) it can be crazy at my house. Those who have talked to me on the phone when the boys are awake and hyper can atest to this.
I would chalk that up to just "kids being kids". Comes with the territory; I've had enough exposure to my nephews to know that.  (Anybody for whom that behavior would be a surprise really would have to be living under a rock. In a cave. On the moon.) But it is something to consider - can you handle it? Do you want to?
Actually, I would think that's a consideration for anyone contemplating having children, but it's a little more up-front for potential spouses of single parents (since you get thrust right into the chaos!)
-Robb
_____________________________
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. - II Corinthians 5:17
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 3:43:41 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6155
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LabGuy
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
One thing I would caution those who have no children is, as long as the children are living in your home, whether it be full time or part time, they are YOUR children, not your step children. There is no his or hers, there is only ours.
That is a wonderful way of looking at it. And a good way to promote the familial bond, by doing away with any sort of distinction. But the trick is if the children can look at it the same way.
-Robb
That's where the good parenting skills come into to play before the single parent even starts dating, let along becomes exclusive.
The boys know that whomever I marry will be Dad, and even though Thing 2 has his biological father in his life, he knows that my husband will still be 'dad'. It's something we've discussed and something they look forward to as much as I do.
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 6:03:24 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7136
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
quote:
ORIGINAL: LabGuy
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
One thing I would caution those who have no children is, as long as the children are living in your home, whether it be full time or part time, they are YOUR children, not your step children. There is no his or hers, there is only ours.
That is a wonderful way of looking at it. And a good way to promote the familial bond, by doing away with any sort of distinction. But the trick is if the children can look at it the same way.
-Robb
That's where the good parenting skills come into to play before the single parent even starts dating, let along becomes exclusive.
The boys know that whomever I marry will be Dad, and even though Thing 2 has his biological father in his life, he knows that my husband will still be 'dad'. It's something we've discussed and something they look forward to as much as I do.
This is how I've dealt with the Girl also. She knows that when God brings us a new wife and mommy that she will not replace her first mommy but will not be a step-mommy. Both in our house and at M's parents house the word "step" is not used. She is either going to be mommy (or mom if she prefers) or she's not. No halfway measures. The Girl knows that the knew wife will be the boss of her. And she is looking forward to it.
Kids are a determining factor for a relationship. I've not met anyone with kids but if I did I would have to look at how the kids were raised and disciplined. If they were good kids or not, etc. I'm a great daddy but I've had years to get the Girl into shape. Could I do it with someone's kids who were not already in good shape? Would they respect me or rebel against me. I expect that my wife will be the Girl's mom. In return I'd expect to be her kid's dad. Totally or not at all.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Single Parents - 6/30/2008 9:34:12 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15751
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I have been involved with 2 people who had kids now. The first one when I was only 18 and really didn't know how that would factor into things, etc.
The second time the child was a preteen and we got along pretty well, however that relationship that I had there turned out for not as well.
So does it factor in? Yes it does because when you date someone who has children, it is not only the person who you need to consider, but the kiddos also.
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RE: Single Parents - 7/1/2008 12:27:04 AM
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LabGuy
Posts: 2877
Joined: 9/22/2007
From: NW Pennsylvania
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Something else to consider that is a bit tangential to the OP is if the two of you are interested in having more children together. You need to carefully consider whether you'll be able to treat all the children with equal love and devotion, and resist the temptation to view your biological children as somehow more yours than the others. (Indeed, you would have to even prevent the perception of that in the children's eyes.)
Favoritism can of course be a problem in any family (and the Bible itself shows the kinds of problems that can cause - see Joseph). But this is a situation in which it could be even more dangerous to the health of the family. For some it might not be an issue, but others would have to actively guard against it because it could happen without even realizing it.
Just more food for thought.
-Robb
_____________________________
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. - II Corinthians 5:17
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RE: Single Parents - 7/1/2008 12:42:34 AM
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free-to-worship
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If I was dating someone whose child(ren) were not so well behaved, it sure would cause me to think twice before getting further involved. But I guess if you have already met thechild(ren), then you are probably somewhat deeply involved already, 'cause no one should be introducing their kids to someone they aren't serious about. So if it's in a case where I am already seriously involved, he and I would have to sit down and have a serious talk about the child(ren). If the child(ren) were well behaved it would make it a lot easier, but still cause for discussion.
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