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So...my husband has PTSD - 9/6/2008 9:50:37 PM
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angelpeach838
Posts: 2
Joined: 9/6/2008
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Hi, Im new here, and just found this forum this evening. I'll try to make this short, but seeing as how this forum will be the first time I really tell anyone about this, who knows how possible short will be! Im 24 years old, my husband is 27, and our beyond wonderful daughter is 19 months old. We've been married for 2 1/2 years, yep thats right if you did that math--we got married a week before she was born, after what we thought was careful consideration in the face of some other not-so-careful consideration.
Anyway-my husband was in Afghanistan and has PTSD. We've always known, I also had Borderline Personality Disorder, which is why we probably found each other in the first place. We moved in, went way too fast, broke up, moved out and well...old habits die hard and wonderful daughter was made. We decided that all children are a blessing from God and to give another go.
Now here we are.
My husband started receiving therapy a few months ago at the VA, and things have seemed to go down hill from there. I have had a very awesome relationship with God before, and went away for awhile when my husband and I met and such, but have, in the past few months, attempted to get back to where I was because I know that He is the only ultimate solution and cure for PTSD (to which everyone else says there is no cure). I know that when you start stepping out for the Lord, the devil notices you and bad things happen. Ive been binding and casting out so much and trying to keep my faith strong through all of this. My husband actually made the decision to start tithing last week, and well...thats when hell truly broke loose.
The next day after his solo therapy session (I have not been...not sure why) he mentioned he and his counselor had been talking about a trial separation for a while. That was news to me! I kow things are often difficult for him, but I guess he fakes it/hides it/denies it so well that I thought everything was awesome. This is where I get a bit nuts because Im so all over the place. I want to help and support him and be submissive as the Bible calls for, realizing that even though I may not be getting what I need from my husband emotionally or spiritually (now me reading the Bible every day, which I dont do consistently anymore since school started...is "cultish"...ouch, this from the man who wanted to tithe just on Monday), that God provides what I need and will and can be my 'husband.' So here I am being super supportive and trying to be faithful and let things roll off my back because God is my refuge and strength and my husband says he wants separate checking accounts, and even had the audacity to suggest my mother move up here and I could live with her. Ouch...again. Then I wind up feeling so hurt and insecure in the current state of our marriage that I want it all to be over with. I feel like Im begging for scraps of love or a hug or a kiss or some validation and it....it is very depressing. I guess if you have no experience with PTSD you might think my husband is just a jerk, but he is not. He is fighting this as much as he can too.
There it is. Ive been looking all over the internet for something to do with PTSD AND God, but seems like I can find only one or the other. I dont like to talk about this often because I feel like most people give bad advice because they dont know the Bible and dont bother to take God into account, but I guess the bottom line is that I need people to talk to. And I need Scripture. I am a baby Christian in the way of 'knowledge' I guess, but I know how awesome God is and that He is here, and that if something is not working, it is on my end--that also leads to some depression (which I know...is not of God) because I want to do what God wants me to do, but I dont know what that it is, in practical ways. I feel like Im dealing with things and I know the Bible is wonderful and probably does cover it, I just dont know where. I feel like if I sit back and support my husband and just be what he needs me to be, Im just being a doormat--is that of God? Is there any time I can yell and ask what about me? But that is selfish. See? Nutso. Thanks for reading this, if anyone made it this far.
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/6/2008 10:01:46 PM
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angelpeach838
Posts: 2
Joined: 9/6/2008
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And another thing. I find myself having or exhibiting a lot of the same symptoms he is now. The depression, the numbness...coming from someone who has overcome an incredible amount of mental illness already, I hate seeing that in myself again. I dont have insurance, so counseling really isnt an option unless I do it with him at the VA. I just...dont like that at all and sometimes I feel like separating would be a great idea, but my family lives far away, and he doenst want to go to his family because the whole point of separating is his need to be alone, and neither of us would ever leave without our daughter. She is the only person he feels emotionally attached to =/
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/6/2008 11:11:03 PM
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carl54
Posts: 66
Joined: 5/31/2005
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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'll be sure to offer a prayer for you before I go to bed in a few minutes. Listen, I think you should use whatever source you have available to you to get treated. If your husband is still on active duty you can get treatment through Tricare or the VA. If he is out of the service you may not be able to be treated by the VA but you could be treated through the Vet Center if your husband goes to them also. Hope it works out for you.
God Bless!
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/7/2008 7:54:15 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 1630
Joined: 3/24/2008
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Just on the face of it, my thinking is that he's been through some very difficult things and you need to let him work through that with the people who know about it. You do need to be patient but you also need to make a decision here and now - you can either go with your feelings (your own "disorder") or you can determine here and now to keep your family together - this is the hard road that's going to take prayer, patience, and strength on your part. If you commit to this, I personally do not think separation is ever a good idea (short of physical abuse)...it's a trial divorce.
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/7/2008 8:10:55 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2504
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
Just on the face of it, my thinking is that he's been through some very difficult things and you need to let him work through that with the people who know about it. You do need to be patient but you also need to make a decision here and now - you can either go with your feelings (your own "disorder") or you can determine here and now to keep your family together - this is the hard road that's going to take prayer, patience, and strength on your part. If you commit to this, I personally do not think separation is ever a good idea (short of physical abuse)...it's a trial divorce.
I agree with this, with one qualification--is he violent or potentially violent? Please make sure that the first time he raises a hand against you is the last one. Call the police, call his commanding officer, bring it down on his head.
quote:
I feel like if I sit back and support my husband and just be what he needs me to be, Im just being a doormat--is that of God? Is there any time I can yell and ask what about me? But that is selfish. See?
Being supportive and even submissive doesn't require being a "doormat". However, yelling and fighting are not "being strong", they're just poor reactions to bad behavior (but I know how tempting it is, and how wonderful it feels to ventilate all that frustration! I've done it myself many times--take it from me, it won't help you or your marriage). Strength is being able to speak the truth calmly and lovingly.
I wish there were an easy answer. Perhaps you need to find a support group of women who's husband's have PTSD from this war. They would probably have better and more specific advice than we here. And if you're going to a support group in real life, you'll also have someone to hug you and a shoulder to cry on.
_____________________________
 Moo
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/7/2008 10:51:46 AM
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timf
Posts: 519
Joined: 10/20/2006
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So...my husband has PTSD
It sounds like you have been doing a good job trying to keep an "even keel" in rough seas.
There are a few variables and uncertainties that can have a significant effect on your situation.
1. Degree of PTSD. Both individual sensitivity and individual circumstance can produce significant differences in how this effects people. I worked with a man one who would come in to work periodically saying he didn't get very good sleep because he was "fighting" the Germans again. He had spent three years in a German POW camp. He was not mistreated but these experiences can leave scars. This was years before professionals decided to label it.
2. Degree of "helpful" advice. Several years ago it was known in the medical community that no matter how bad things got (i.e. malpractice, alcoholism, failed practice, etc.) you could always get a job with the VA. I do not know if the same level of "professionalism" still exists, but those who go for help should at least maintain a healthy level of skepticism. If your husband expressed in confidence some doubt about his marriage, a "helpful" counselor might have advised him to protect himself financially.
3. Integration. Many people (not only soldiers) have bad things and even horrible things happen to them. These emotional wounds can sometimes parallel the physicals wounds that can occur from a car wreck or other trauma. Our pleasure seeking consumer oriented, self centered world has little place for those who have been physically injured as well as little place for those who have been emotionally injured. The goal for the Christian should not to be therapeutically readjusted into the world of self-centered, pleasure seeking consumers, but to find healing in a closer walk with the Lord.
You and your husband may want to set aside the "tithing" and "binding and loosening" for a while and find an older, wiser, Christian who shows the light and love of Jesus in his life and both seek his counsel as to how to walk closer with the Lord and draw from His healing power. Later as you both grow in faith, love, and wisdom, you can decide which forms of Christianity you feel the Lord is leading you to follow. For now, you might want to focus on the basics.
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/7/2008 4:20:46 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
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Angelpeach, I'm sorry you and your husband are going through such a rough time. There's a support thread here for military wives. Don't know if any of them have experienced having a husband with ptsd but you may find more info and help there. Here's the link. http://forums.crosswalk.com/Military_wives_support/m_3496674/mpage_1/tm.htm#1
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/7/2008 4:55:04 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2549
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
yep thats right if you did that math--we got married a week before she was born,
Actually, that didn't even occur to me until you pointed it out. I avoid any math I don't have to do at all costs..., so when someone says they've been married a certain amt. of time, and had a baby a certain amount of time, I don't bother counting.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/8/2008 1:34:19 PM
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Row1
Posts: 249
Joined: 12/2/2005
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out of all of that, it seems like the reason for him to be separate from you is because he needs time alone.
is that right? if you don't know, then work on finding out - he and or his therapist owe you that much.
if he needs time alone, then the way to do it would be like many wives of vets with ptsd do it: they give their husbands a lot of time alone - but they still stay married and still stay in the same home!!!
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RE: So...my husband has PTSD - 9/8/2008 4:57:54 PM
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SuccessinTruth
Posts: 76
Joined: 9/3/2008
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Hi angelpeach,
It is tough when you are going through it and there is no end in sight. But please, be patient, most things aren't solved overnight. Being submissive isn't being a doormat, it's just putting his needs before yours, as he will learn to do for you. It's a two-way street and that probably won't happen overnight either.
Oftentimes, the best thing you can do, and Scripture tells us this, is to be quiet. I found that when my husband was going off on something, if I was just quiet, and prayed, specifically, for God to take care of this, because I couldn't, that He did. If I just kept quiet on my own strength, I resented it, and that didn't lead to anything good.
I also learned to not take anything said in anger to heart. Usually, when people, especially men, are angry, they say things to hurt you. Even if they're not true. So I learned to stop listening. If they say something when they're angry and then apologize and say they didn't mean it, let it go, they probably didn't.
Don't let your happiness rest on your husband. It's supposed to rest in the Lord. And believe me, when He's drawing you to Him, He'll let you know that. Jesus is always there for you. And the more you want Him, the more He's there. When you put a little trust in Him to take care of a situation, and He does, next time you'll find it easier to give to Him. And your faith will grow and grow. Stop trying to 'bind and cast out'. That's not your job! Christ already defeated him!
You've shown wisdom in not wanting to accept the advice of worldly counselors. You're going to be fine.
God bless you, child! Like I said, I know it's hard when you're going through it. But believe me, I have gone through it, and trust our Lord. He will not let you down when you let Him handle it.
_____________________________
May we Glorify the Lord in all that we say and do
SuccessinTruth
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