dormouse
Posts: 6
Joined: 4/19/2005
Status: offline
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Hi, it's been a long time since I posted here. Really, it's been a long time since I have attend church.
Last year, I wrote a paper for a psychology class about an aspect of my childhood. Since then, a whole new understand of my childhood and life has opened up. The problem is that I feel conflicted because my Christian faith tells me I am wrong.
Since I was about 5, and for the next 35 years, I have hated being a male. I have often dressed wearing some female clothes, without any sexual intent. I have few male friends, and am often uncomfortable in the presence of other men. At family gatherings, I hardly ever associate with the men gathered watching sports, but remain with the women and children.
I am currently with my 8th therapist since the age of 10. Interestingly, until this therapist, I never bothered to mention that I don't like being a male. My current therapist is a female, whereas all of the others have been male.
Without any recollection of these events, my therapist believes that I was sexually abused. She comes by this opinion based on my childhood and current behaviour,...cross dressing, identifying with and as a female and distancing myself from males, starting fires, physically harming my penis by inserting objects into it, smearing feces on the wall, etc.
Then there are my siblings. One of my sisters was sexually active at age 9 and 10. Then, at age 11 fatally shot herself. My brother was recently arrested for sexually molesting his daughters over the past 10 years. My other sister recalls being sexually abused by her brother and father. She acted out sexually at a young age and continued for many years.
So, the circumstantial evidence is compelling.
Currently, I walk the fine line of my responsiblities as a father, husband, and employee by confining my cross dressing to the bare minimum. I try to respect my family and their need to have a father and husband. I try to respect my patients by showing a professional demeanor and appearance. Before last year, I can tell you that I was an angry, and even hateful man. Many people might have even called me a misogynist. I know know that my dislike of women was based on jealousy for what and who they are, as well as trying to kill any femininity that I saw in myself. In the end, I made myself and everyone around me miserable. Today, however, I am completely at peace.
Except,....
I do not know how to reconcile this with God. Can he still love me? Even if I continue to cross dress? Do I still have faith in God? I have thought about consulting my pastor,...but HE makes me nervous. I have considered speaking with the associate pastor, because SHE makes me feel more at ease.
I am so lost and conflicted. In all honesty, I enjoy allowing the feminine nature to be dominant in my life. I love women's clothing, the colours, textures, materials, designs, and how happy and free I feel wearing them. Men's clothing makes me feel as though I'm being held down,...and I mean physically repressed. That does not mean that I do not have small portions of my male persona that are not beneficial. I have no desire to transition or to seek SRS. I love my wife and children, and I want to stay with them. The big question remains,...does God really care what clothing I am wearing,...given the circumstances,....does clothing really matter all that much to God,...if in the end,...I love Him and seek Him?
_____________________________
"You might as well say that "I breathe when I sleep." is the same as "I sleep when I breathe."."
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