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The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/8/2008 4:08:44 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 70
Joined: 6/10/2008
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My mother-in-law called me last night and said that she and her husband lost their jobs yesterday. They both worked for a Christian ministry and the company had to downsize due to economics. They are not eligible for unemployment benefits because they worked for a church. They were given 3 months severence pay, and sent home. I know they'll be okay for three months, but I'm very concerned about what happens after that. They are both in their 70's and will not likely be able to find another job. They've always lived heavily in debt with credit cards and just last week (prior to being let go from his job) her husband bought a new car. My husband is my mother-in-law's only child, and I don't think that her husband is close to his family. He wasn't involved with raising my husband because my husband was an adult by the time they got married. In my heart I know that we can't let my mother-in-law be homeless, and I am prepared to offer her a home with us, but I just don't have a heart for him. He has mental health issues that he is medicated for, and he doesn't always act right. Am I wrong to be open to her needs but not to his? I just don't think I could handle him living in our home. I'd appreciate hearing some input, especially from someone that has experienced having to take care of their elderly in-laws.
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/8/2008 4:14:26 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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It might not be too late to return the car.
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/8/2008 4:21:57 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 70
Joined: 6/10/2008
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I agree! But her response was, "I'm just so glad we got the car while we still had our jobs. Otherwise we wouldn't have been able to."
That is how they have always lived. There doesn't seem to be any preparation plan for the future, or any realization that they're in deep financial trouble.
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/8/2008 4:46:52 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1901
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Wow, this is tough. I'm sorry, DeeDee.
The Bad News: They've dug a hole and now have fallen into it. It's "damage control" time.
Look in the phone book for "debt counseling." They will help, I think it's free, and it's not a scam.
Your mom and her husband need to sell the car (they'll take several thousands of dollars of loss on it; can't be helped. If the lender on the car takes it back and sells it they won't try to get a good price and they'll hound your mom and husband for the difference. Better they should sell it themselves and get a better price - less to pay back) and sell whatever it takes to pay off their debt. If not, crediitors are going to be hounding them and suing them. It's likely they'll go bankrupt if they don't get new jobs soon, and they were heading towards bankrupcy anyway.
Your job, after the lawsuit winds down (see a lawyer - if you give them money now, creditors suing them might be able to sue you, too, as a financially responsible person to them. You could lose your house, cars and bank accounts. Not to scare you, but this is time to go see the debt counselor and I would call a lawyer pronto) is to provide a roof over their heads (doesn't have to be yours), food and clothing (and they probably already have clothes). Probably prescription drugs.
You aren't responsible to pay for things like:
-cigarettes
-cable TV
-car payment
-dinners in restaurants
-new clothes (the old ones will have to do, and there's always thrift stores)
Eating vegetarian is really cheap and is delicious (spoken as a committed carnivore but mom of a vegetarian).
They can live in a camper in your driveway. They can live in a mobile home park. They could share a trailer with another older couple. Heh, I know an elderly couple who lived in a greenhouse with a woodstove for 2 years in upstate NY. It can be done. They have to get their finances under control.
If your mom is planning on just having you pay her salary, ask yourself if you can. Most of us are struggling to support ourselves. You need to be frank that they are going to have to figure this out themselves, with you playing emotional support only (unless you're rich). Since they have been knowingly living on the bank's money, they might think it's OK to force you to bankrupt yourself so they can live on yours and keep up their "lifestyle." Make it clear this entitlement isn't going to happen. They have to find a way to make their lives work. And that three month severence pay needs to last them at least a year.
I am speaking from experience: When we bought some unimproved land, my husband lost his job. He found three part-time jobs and was driving an old pickup with no heater and the window was down because the door had to be roped shut - through a very snowy winter. Someone gave us a $1000 mobile home because it was so bad they couldn't sell it, and we moved it to our property and moved in. We had no running water inside (there was a cold water faucet outside) but did have electricity to run the heaters and the stove. We bathed outside in the dark.
We did what we had to do, and your mom and her husband can no longer "live the affluent dream." Help them find ways to cope, but whatever you do, you see a lawyer and get them to a debt counselor.
If your mom's husband is impossible for you to live with, you can't ask her to split up with him so she can live with you. If they ask to come for "just one week" they will probably never leave (I'm basing that on their credit lifestyle, which was unwise and really not honest. And wouldn't you say there was some laziness involved?). Help them find a place to live and a way to eat. Let your mom know how dismayed you are, and help them look for other jobs. There are places looking for older people with good work ethics, and flipping hamburgers at McDonalds is honest work that generates pay checks.
The Good News: God isn't taken by surprise by all of this, and Rom. 8:28,29 indicates the good times are the end product of bad times. God shapes us and forces us to turn to Him in tough times, and the results are sanctified lives and glory to Him who loves us enough to not just let us run amok and keep hurting ourselves. He's going to bring grace to all involved and teach wisdom and good ethics (on your mom's husband's part). Look for the good stuff coming behind the avalanche of trash; it will be there.
The verse that says "bear one another's burdens" refers to burdens beyond the daily coping, but catastrophic ones; kind of like what you're looking at. But they have put themselves in a tight spot by their unwise choices, and should be given the opportunity to dig themselves out or they'll just keep doing it. It's a tough school lesson.
I'm praying for you guys at this difficult time as the "free market" in their lives adjusts itself. Let us know how it goes. May God be glorified. (((Hugs)))
< Message edited by deermousie -- 10/8/2008 4:54:42 PM >
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/8/2008 5:11:50 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 320
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
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Like deermouse said, you are reasonsible to make sure she is fed, has shelter, and other needs to support her life (medical) not her lifestyle she has gotten used to.
Can they move into assisted living and get a reverse mortgage on their home? If you take her in, you would have to take him too.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/9/2008 1:08:34 PM
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preserved
Posts: 753
Joined: 6/12/2007
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It would be wrong to offer a place for her and not for her husband...The fact that they both lost their job is of no fault of their own. Suggest sitting down with them to see what can be done. The car for one may have to go if they cannot afford it...monthly payment has to be made...
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/9/2008 6:31:36 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1788
Joined: 5/23/2006
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how would u feel if someone said they would take your husband in, but only if he left you?
That's cruel and very unChristlike imo.
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/9/2008 9:25:54 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6025
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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I'm in the UK and here, a couple in their position would be high priority for being allocated an apartment and their rent paid by welfare. They'd also be receiving a pension. Are there no similar arrangements in the USA? Would your country really see an elderly couple be made homeless?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: The Unwanted Step-In-Law - 10/10/2008 3:09:22 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 779
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Get them to sit down with a debt counselor and
try to get things in order so they can live according
to what they have.
It's a hard lesson to learn but they did this to themselves...
carrying too much debt - overspending - not saving etc.
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