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ORIGINAL: avagrace

I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years now. He comes from a wonderful Christian family, as do I. We married when we were both 21, having never lived on our own before, and just finishing up college. I had previously dated a guy for over 2 years that I thought I was going to marry one day. I broke it off with him because I started developing feelings for this guy (my husband). He was devasted but we went our separate ways and have never had contact since.
I never had one doubt about who I marrying when we were engaged. After we were married I started seeing a side of him that I NEVER saw while we were dating/engaged. It started with outburts of anger over something I did or didn't do. Over the years though it has progressed into complete emotional abuse. I am constantly told "I hate you, You're a horrible mother" with a lot of profanity mixed in. In my home there is this feeling of everything needing to be perfect before daddy get home so it's even affecting our children. The whole mood in the house changes when he gets home.
We did receive counseling about a year ago and have taken numerous marriage studies. My husband seems to have this way about him though so when we get in counseling he comes across so great and I can't seem to articulate all the junk that goes on behind the scenes. No one really knows. I talk to his mom and she (from experience too) knows how he can be. He was a very angry little boy. I'm pretty sure if he was on some type of medication it would help.
The bottom line is, after years and years of this I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel so trapped because I know I have no grounds for divorce. I find myself constantly thinking back to the days with my old boyfriend. I just recently heard he is still single. I wonder what could have been and if I made a horrible mistake. I know I need to get out of this line of thinking but I don't know how!!! Any advice for a woman who feels she made the biggest mistake of her life???