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What to Do - 4/15/2008 2:02:42 PM
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jsadler
Posts: 24
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I married a women after being divorced for 6 months, which seems like a bad idea now. My wife now is driving me crazy about everything.
1.) Prior to getting married I lied about how much money I had and amount of rent I payed every month. Also, lied about eating a cheese burger prior to coming home because I did not want to hurt her feelings.
2.) So, now she questions everything I do because, she said I can not be trusted.
3.) She can not stand it because i do not provide her with all my passwords to my accounts and email.
4.) She can not stand it because my ex calls me about our children and claims that me and her are chit-chatting. (Stoped answering my ex-wife calls and now she can not stand it that she leaves voice mail messages)
5.) Every time we have an argument she is quick to tell me if I do not change she will divorce me.
6.) I have asked her for forgiveness and apologized for my actions. But she brings up the past everytime.
7.) She checks my phone for phone calls and who I have in my address book and calls them.
8.)She is also gets mad if I do anything other than spend time with her.
What should I do..........thinking about divorce because she seems like it is always my fault.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 2:33:53 PM
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MrsOliver
Posts: 88
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Hello Jsadler,
I understand a little bit of your situation. I would like to give you insite as far as my opinion and experience goes.
quote:
Prior to getting married I lied about how much money I had and amount of rent I payed every month. Also, lied about eating a cheese burger prior to coming home because I did not want to hurt her feelings.
lying is a hard one to get over, only because it is deception and our thoughts go as, "well if you're willing to lie about that, then what else will you lie about". However, if that is the only lies you have told, not knowing the duration of your marriage, I would think that your truthfullness since then should have redeemed you.
But:quote:
She can not stand it because i do not provide her with all my passwords to my accounts and email.
This is really the problem. what do you have to hide? because you are not willing to devulge the information, she believes you to be hiding something and I am sure if the table was turned, you would think that too. If you don't have anything to hide, you should give her your passwords and acct. info. IF you have something to hide, well then she isn't wrong.
My husband wouldn't give me his passwords either, for a long time, why? because he was hiding some things but now that we have had a miracle in our marraige, (many things) we have each others passwords and acct. information for EVERYTHING. cell phones, bank accts., email etc.
We don't have anything to hide. we are ONE. We sometimes spend here and there with out consulting when we should, but we talk about it openly and move on. My husband cc's me on every email he sends to any other female, including his ex, out of respect. I trust him, but should there ever come a time when something challenges his integrity, I can make my own opinion on his character, because of his respect for me and the same for me as well.
your wife doesn't feel safe in your marriage because you are 'keeping' something from her. She wouldn't wig out about your ex, if she was included. It isn't your words that will give her security as you can see, it is your actions. IF you want to be married, you have to offer your WHOLE HEART, WHOLE MIND, AND WHOLE SOUL!!! not leaving anything out. Is it a vulnerable place to be.....heck be!!! for sure! but you wont ever reach that level of one-ness or the marriage God intended if you can't share your personal life as well.
quote:
She can not stand it because my ex calls me about our children and claims that me and her are chit-chatting. (Stoped answering my ex-wife calls and now she can not stand it that she leaves voice mail messages)
Include your wife. Your wife needs to know that she is the most important woman in your life. And she needs to know that your words and actions, shows that to your ex. She needs to hear your conversations with your ex and messages, and after a while of hearing your '100% respect and devotion" to her (your wife), she will trust your love for her. She is acting like she doesn't believe you put her first??
(once again, speaking from experience. my husband and his ex are friends. However, she thought for many yrs. that she had something 'up' on me, because she shared children with him and I didn't. I needed for him to show his love and respect for me, in those conversations so she knew my position as his wife)
quote:
Every time we have an argument she is quick to tell me if I do not change she will divorce me.
she is more than likely doing this because she feels the 'gap' between the two of you, and wants you to realize how serious this is to her. Threats don't get anywhere, but more drama, however, it is all from insecurities.
quote:
She checks my phone for phone calls and who I have in my address book and calls them.
I have heard it said, "if you are not trustworthy at any point in time, it is your price to pay, to renew the trust" That means, you may have to over-communicate, be open more than you think is necessary. Your unwillingness to give up personal information will make it impossible for your wife to trust you completely. Don't let it bother you. Just hand her your phone, or leave your email up for her to go through. eventually she will give up trying to "find' something on you. I know, because that is how I USE TO BE.
My husband and I both, check each others phones, if we want, emails as well. we don't have anything to hide and we respect each others feelings enough to offer that 'extra' security measure. We both have done things to cause distrust in the other, we both have to go above and beyond to 'help' the other feel secure in that.
the bottom line is, your wife is insecure and there are some things you can do to help her, as I mentioned above.
if you love her, and you want the marriage God intended, it is yours, but you do have a responsibility in repairing with your actions and respect.
God wants your marriage to succeed! He wants you to have what he designed, it is such a beautiful thing.
It would help to get involved with a marriage group, couples group type of Bible Study or meetings/outings. IT helps to be around other strong marriages. Encourage your wife to get together with women in your church.
Your wife will stop being crazy, when she 'knows' from your actions, that #1 you value her
#2 she is your all in all!
and for the record, you will find this in A LOT OF WOMEN...so changing wives/partners, isn't going to stop that madness. When we feel anything less than #1 (okay #2 next to God) we get a little skittish.
Be blessed and I will be praying for you and your family.
Mrs. Oliver
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 2:54:53 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2102
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From: upstate NY
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i kinda agree with Mrs. Oliver (and thanks for sharing - that is a great testimony) says ... i think the first step is to try to be open and honest. just give her your passwords. calling everyone in your address book definately seems extreme. by any chance did you have an affair in your first marriage? it seems she is worried about something.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 3:09:00 PM
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MrsOliver
Posts: 88
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thank you iwillfearnoevil~
jsadler~
why don't you want to give her what she is asking for? is it pride? do you not trust her with you information, ie: bank acct.? What are you afraid of losing by giving her access and the information?
It appears to me that this is probably a growing process for you too...?
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 3:42:26 PM
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jsadler
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I can see your point and thanks for your comments. I do not have a problem giving her that information, at all. The only problem I have is, when i open up my acct information she questions everything. I mean everything...I just do not have time to explain why i had taken money out of my account, why i didn't change my insurance policy on time, why i spend money on my dental care, etc......
It's gets under my skin after the 100th question.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 3:51:35 PM
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jsadler
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iwillfearnoevil,
I have never cheated on anyone in my entire life. The problem is she had an affair on her ex husband and he did too. I have told you that I am not her ex and to let go of the past or it will predict your future.
The thing is maybe i should not true her? but i do and do not worry about anything she does.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 3:54:50 PM
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MrsOliver
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have you sat down and asked her why? why is she so concerned? Have you come out and asked her what about that information, is going to make her feel better about trusting you etc? It's hard to say, looking from the outside.
For me, it was a process of learning to trust the God in my husband and to realize that he may make mistakes with our finances. But oh well. He is responsible for those mistakes. I trust him to do the best that he can, and he is much better at it than I am.
IF the two of you can get to a place of say, "when you ask me all these questions: I get upset because, ...it makes me feel controled, you don't trust me in this area to do the best for our family, that you are "micro'managing" me, etc....
With my husband and I, some of our hardest obstacles were because we couldn't verbalize our feelings. Instead of placing blame and attacking back, because we were experiencing those feelings, we had to learn to look inside ourselves and 'own' our feelings.
just an idea. don't use the fact that the two of you were married soon after your divorce as a way out.
I can say, if these are your major issues, you can make it through, with out a doubt.
I would recommend the book "Love and Respect" for both of you, and "captivating" for you wife. These books helped my husband and I very much!
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 3:59:01 PM
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April75
Posts: 375
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I suspect she's asking so many questions because she doesn't know much about you, at least it seems that way. If you're open and honest then she'll already know the answer to some of those questions.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 4:09:17 PM
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April75
Posts: 375
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I have another question. Why did you lie to her about rent? Does she make you feel bad for making certain decisions so you lie to please her? This situation can easily turn into parent/child relationship. Do you feel that way?
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 4:12:23 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
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From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jsadler
iwillfearnoevil,
I have never cheated on anyone in my entire life. The problem is she had an affair on her ex husband and he did too. I have told you that I am not her ex and to let go of the past or it will predict your future.
The thing is maybe i should not true her? but i do and do not worry about anything she does.
i want you to know i wasn't accusing you, it just seemed like an affair was involved at some point. well i guess she was burned by her husband and is worried about it again. communication is key, openness and honesty seems to be a top emotional need for her and just try to be as transparent as you can.
jsadler, i realize it might seem easier to give up but it seems like there's still great potential to build a future together. (and if you think it gets easier, third marriages have higher divorce rates than second marriages)
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 4:19:48 PM
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jsadler
Posts: 24
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HesallIneed,
she talks to me like a child all the time. When i tell here that i am an adult and not her son, she blows up. If something i do does not benefit her and her son than she gets mad. For example, i send my children toys because they live 2.5 hrs away; if i do not get her son something she gets upset. After i explain to her that she just purchased him a video game just the other day she gets mad and says that i am just rationalize my actions.
She got mad last night because i was not home within 30min and i went by a dojo about taking classes. Told me that taking classes was not a good idea because it would take time away from her and her son? What?
I made an appt. to see a consular and hope she will go.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 4:23:15 PM
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jsadler
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Oh, i lied about the rent because i did not think it was important and sharing my finical information with a person i just met was crazy. I never have asked her about how much money she makes, retirement acct, or anything else.
I feel that she works and makes money and she can spend it any way she wants. we split the bills down the middle; so why worry about it. But she makes sure to tell me how i should spend my money.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 5:20:27 PM
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MrsOliver
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It sounds like you haven't been married very long.
I would also ad, as it may be very difficult to deal with a woman who is getting under your skin I would encourage you to seek God.
God made us a master plan better than any other. "Love and Respect" is an outstanding book to help show some of that plan.
God designed you to be the physical, spiritual leader, husband, father and friend. He has a position for you to take up.
As I can see from your posts your wife is trying to wear the pants..and more than likely it is out of fear and insecurities which go hand in hand.
However, as I said you have a responsibility to offer that reasurance to your wife, ultimately God is the only one who will heal her heart.
If you aren't in a church, I would strongly advice you to find one that suits you. For you I would suggest joining mens groups/bible study for men etc. It is much easier to find your path, from those walking on the path.
Next I would offer this: God will guide you. His word tells you exactly how to lead your family, to be the leader as a husband and father.
I recently heard that if you are a man/lady you don't have to say every where you go, "I am a man/lady". You never have to say what you are, because it speaks for itself. In this I will ad, when you are the spiritual and physical leader of your home, your wife will recognize that and you wont have to declare it. Your wife was designed to help you, as I am sure you know, not to dictate or lead you.
But for her to recognize her place, (at this point) you will have to BE that leader. When you know what you are, and where you stand with God. When you know his instructions for you, as a leader and as a husband, you will be confident in your position. You will know when to say something back to her "control" and when to just "be the leader". Not everything requires an answer.
Think of it this way, If as long as your wife can 'blame' you for her issues...I do this because you lied to me before, I do this because you said this before, I do this because ...(you) she doesn't have to look at herself.
But if you are not providing that response, attitude, action, character, then she can only look at herself.
I guess an example I can think of is this:
lets say she is upset about your ex leaving a message. She has access to the message and you are open with the information, even return call. Now she wants to be angry with you, because your ex is even calling or leaving a message, whatever. You dont' need to respond. (this is you, standing in a sense, right where you know you are right. You don't have to announce your position in the matter)
You have offered the information. YOu have been up front and honest. If she chooses to be upset then that is on her. (just my experience)
Once my husband realized that I wasn't upset with him talking to his ex, for fear of getting back together, old feelings or what ever, but rather it had more to do with her disrespecting me as his wife that was my problem. As long as you are covering that area then you are doing what you need to do.
You are not dealing with things that can't be fixed. YOu just need to find the TOOLS to fix them. There are things that work and when you follow the plan, it all comes together.
www.biblegateway.com is a great resource as well. you can put in, 'husband' 'father' spiritual leader. "head of household"...and it is easy to find those scriptures for God's design for you.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Well, Man of God, do something different and then expect a different outcome, GOD is with you.
be blessed in HIS LOVE!
Remember this, you are not fighting against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities.
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RE: What to Do - 4/15/2008 8:45:18 PM
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relady
Posts: 971
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From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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quote:
she talks to me like a child all the time. When i tell here that i am an adult and not her son, she blows up. If something i do does not benefit her and her son than she gets mad. For example, i send my children toys because they live 2.5 hrs away; if i do not get her son something she gets upset. After i explain to her that she just purchased him a video game just the other day she gets mad and says that i am just rationalize my actions.
She got mad last night because i was not home within 30min and i went by a dojo about taking classes. Told me that taking classes was not a good idea because it would take time away from her and her son? What?
First of all, let me say this. My husband would not dream of asking for my passwords to my personal email accounts any more than I would even consider asking for his. Nor would he get mine unless he had good reason to be checking on something. And then it would be changed again very soon. We do not know each other's PIN numbers on our debit cards. That's just a little too much "One-ness" for the both of us. I consider it unhealthy. But that's just me.
That all being said, it seriously sounds like she is really attempting to exert and extraordinary amount of control over you. You need to just let her know in no uncertain terms that when she speaks to you like you are a child that she will not under any circumstances get the results she is looking for. Just put your foot down. Call her bluff. I seriously doubt she will leave (of course, you never know). Can you tell I'm not a big one on going along to keep the peace? I firmly believe that sometimes the peace needs to be disturbed.
I do think counseling is a very good idea.
BTW, I do understand why you didn't feel you needed to share your financial info with her when you first met. You should have just diplomatically told her it was none of her business, rather than lying.
< Message edited by relady -- 4/15/2008 8:51:26 PM >
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RE: What to Do - 4/16/2008 6:07:30 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 2186
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From: just north of Florida
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My previous partner had to be stripped of my access to bank accounts, etc. He was not trustworthy.
My husband now knows EVERYTHING and that is a decision we made when we first started thinking about marriage. I was not interested in traveling down the same road I had before and neither was he. It is wonderful knowing that we are both on the same page.
This talk of divorce doesn't help at all. There needs to be trust built on BOTH sides and that takes being squeeky clean honest by both of you. And it means dealing with hurt feelings and learning to fight nicely, not loose tempers and name call, etc.
_____________________________
still selling my wonderful home http://www.car2ner.2ya.com (my blog)
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RE: What to Do - 4/16/2008 8:11:56 AM
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YZGUY
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quote:
This talk of divorce doesn't help at all.
I agree. If there is one foot in the door and one foot out, your wife will never have the security necessary to build trust. Let me say that again - she will not trust you if you have that door open to divorce and you respond in a way that threatens that security. She needs too feel secure, but she is going about it in a bad way.
In addition to feeling hurt that her ex had an affair, she also may be feeling guilty about her affair. To your knowledge, has she gone to the Lord with this and received his forgiveness & grace?
I would agree with the suggestion for counseling and to take the lead in this. But make sure it is a Biblical Counselor. If she absolutely refuses to go, then explain that you are committed to her and need additional help to make her feel secure.
This is hard and I understand your frustrations. Choose a counselor to walk with you.
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RE: What to Do - 4/16/2008 10:46:11 AM
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jsadler
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I understand everyone comments here but I am not really wanting a divorce. I have tried to talk to my wife but she is always blowing up on everything i do. I told her the other day, i could do everything she wants but when i do one thing wrong she will always bring up everything I have done.
Why cann't she forgive/forget like Christ does for me. I believe when a person holds grudges they put a barrier before them and Christ.
It always seems like she has double standards for everything. You can not take martial art classes because it is going to take time from me and my son but just last night she told me she had signed up for martial art classes. I mentioned the same thing she told me when i was going to take classes and she said, "no, you will be there to watch me and my son. so, we will be spending time together."
What's funny is her father told me after we got married that his daughter would never submit to a husband. I understand his comment completely now.
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RE: What to Do - 4/16/2008 10:50:46 AM
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jsadler
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quote:
Hislittleone
She has all my time. So much, i feel that i can not be myself. Told her that i have changed so much since the marriage, that i feel like i am losing who i am.
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RE: What to Do - 4/16/2008 10:58:46 AM
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YZGUY
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JS-
What did she say about the counseling appt. you made? Is she willing to go?
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RE: What to Do - 4/16/2008 2:49:25 PM
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momma07
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I can't even imagine what its like for you. It sounds as if she is being a little too controlling. Without knowing her side of the story, sound as if she is projecting her insecurities and past guilt on to you. Not to mention that the information you withheld aggravated what seems to be an insecure nature. Question, where is her son's father in all this? Does he spend time with him? While I understand you married her and in that decided to be a stepfather to her son as well, he also has a dad who is legally and morally responsible for him as well. Just as you have children from your previous marriage you are responsible for and she knew this when she married you. She should not make you feel bad for having a decent relationship with their mother. I am in a field of work dealing with split up families and I can't tell you how sad it is to see parents who cannot get along even for the sake of the children. Honestly, I would not let her dictate the parenting style you have with your ex. While, you have a duty to make your current spouse feel secure, the decisions made concerning your children is between you and their mother. I am not sure why she needs to be in on every conversation, as long as you keep her in the loop and don't make decisions that will directly affect her with out her consult. You both really need to work this out, because it sounds as if until she deals with whatever issues she may have with her self esteem or walk with God, she will never be satisfied, no matter how accomodating you are. And you will get tired of giving in all the time. Obviously you did not know her very well before you married her, but did you see any of these personality traits before you married?
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RE: What to Do - 4/17/2008 11:00:42 AM
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April75
Posts: 375
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Ok ,I can understand what you're saying. I can see on both parts how both of you can have an issue with the other.
Lieing is always a no no. But you could've corrected what you told her before you married.
It's ironic that the message at church last night was about intimacy, agreement and honesty. But the key thing he spoke about was honesty. It's was really about your exact situation on both parts. How a spouse can have distrust for the other because of past lies. Also how they can take a couple of things you've done over a period of time and add them up to make you the bad person. I wish you could here that dvd or cd. But it was awesome.
I think your wife most likely needs more quality time, like someone else here said. Also I think she needs to weigh out how much she can trust you based on what you're doing now. Don't give her any reasons not to trust you. You may need to be open with her and let her have the passwords just to show it's not a big deal. From what you're saying she is coming across as controling. I'm pretty sure I have also with my husband. I've had to step back and realize this. It stemmed because of deceit and lies on his part in the beginning of our marriage.
Have you had a heart to heart with her? All defenses down on both parts? She needs to understand that it's not good for a man to feel like your child. Also you can't lie to her, keep things for her and expect her to trust you.
My husband and I both have email accounts I made up his password for him. He knows mine too. But this was just because he didn't know much about computers at the time. I don't go into his email unless it's for good reason like if he told me to. I may leave my email up and he will look at something on it. I don't have any personal email though it's mostly spam or websites I've subscribed to. He may see something interesting and pull it up. I will ask him but I don't really care if he see's or not. It could be to her that she feels you are trying to conceal something because you don't want her to have them. I think you need to desentize the issue for her by giving her the passwords. Maybe then she'll feel more comfort and not them them anymore.
One more thing it doesn't sound like you too really know each other. Did you know her long before you married? Why did you marry?
< Message edited by HesallIneed -- 4/17/2008 11:07:38 AM >
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RE: What to Do - 4/17/2008 1:33:35 PM
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relady
Posts: 971
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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quote:
What's funny is her father told me after we got married that his daughter would never submit to a husband. too bad he didn't give you a heads up BEFORE you married his daughter.
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RE: What to Do - 4/21/2008 9:38:41 AM
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jsadler
Posts: 24
Joined: 1/24/2008
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Thanks for everyone's suggestions and comments they are greatly appricated. This weekend I had taken her to the beach and discussed some issues and now she has agreed to attend the counseling sessions to make everything work. I have even taken the time out to pray with her and do a nightly bible study with her. Looks like everything is going in the right direction.
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RE: What to Do - 4/21/2008 9:57:11 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2102
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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good steps jsadler! now you really need to follow through with the nightly bible study & prayer even if it's only 5-10 min. look for a couples devotion book at the bookstore if need ideas.
quote:
I feel that she works and makes money and she can spend it any way she wants. we split the bills down the middle; so why worry about it. But she makes sure to tell me how i should spend my money.
i wonder if this contributes to part of the problem. do you make more money than her? she may be feeling jealous that you have more to spend on "your" kids rather than "her" kids.
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