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When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 12:09:52 AM
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JaredMeister
Posts: 183
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Indiana
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Hi,
As I've gotten older (30's.... :-), I've apparently grown more and more tired of people being rude to me. At the same time I have grown in the area of standing up for myself more, and not letting people walk over me. Getting walked over has been the general stance I've taken most of my life thus far. But as a result of these changes in me, I've become more of what you might call.....a jerk.
Okay, not totally a jerk. But I feel like it a lot because I will often call people out on things they did wrong immediately. That is, right at the moment they did it, and even in front of people! Not huge groups of people, but small groups.
I feel like I'm just fed up with people, and I mean Christians who know better, from stepping on other people's feelings, or just not thinking about other people's feelings. So I'll just say something about it.
The typical approach by Christians, and even most everyday people, Christian or not, is to just let it go. And then maybe say something about it later to the person in private. Yes, I do this too. But I'm wondering where is the line. My concern is not just that the person is rude to me, but that they will be rude to other people as well, and that they should cut out said behavior. I'll come up with specific examples later. :)
thanks
_____________________________
~ Jared
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
-- Darth Vader
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 12:36:01 AM
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MamaPyratekk
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From: NC
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**just subscribing to this post so I don't forget to come back and check on the replies**
:)
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 12:45:03 AM
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thebigfishstory
Posts: 19
Joined: 10/17/2007
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It is an odd problem that you have.
You need to remember that anger rests in the heart of a fool.
So don't do any of your corrections out of anger, you will be burned, trust me. It will not go well for you.
So, if it is not anger, then perhaps it is love you are moving in to correct these wrongs. But love dictates considering the other persons feelings. Look, there are times when we must speak and times when we must be quiet. For everything there is a season..............we need wisdom to know when to open up or shut up.
Picture this: a young lady is jaywalking and about to be hit by a car she can't see cause she's on her cell phone. You holler and push her out of the way. Would she be mad at you for hollering a shoving her? No, because she would see the huge truck speeding by and realize you helped to save her from great injury, possibly death.
In your social settings, by speaking up, and not allowing things to happen which shouldn't, you may save someone the pain of having to go back later and make amends, you might save someone reputation, - or - you may get popped on the nose for getting involved where you shouldn't - Proverbs talks about a man who gets involved in another's quarrel is like a man who grabs the ears of a passing dog. The results of that are easy to see: you will get bit hard and right in the face probably.
It is good to have a discerning spirit, but you are better to be slow to anger and slow to speak and quick to listen, thus saith the Lord in James.
Running your mouth correcting people can have very bad outcomes. Yes, you might make your point, but you might be doing it with the wrong motives.
Hope this migh help.
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 2:54:53 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3509
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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I have been there. 
There is a time to speak and a time to keep silent. 
I have been in the place at which I was tired of such things, and I started speaking up strongly. What did I learn? That I was being mainly just rude. So I knew things needed to change. I started watching more closely what I felt like when I saw the same actions in others.
One of the first things I learned is that I don't like it when someone else tries to fight my battles. They really have noble intentions, I am sure, but if there is a battle to be fought, I will do it in my time, my way. And sometimes, I choose not to battle.
Another thing I learned is that sometimes, I saw the other person as rude, when I thought for myself, I was just doing what was right and fair, commanding my rights.
Most people really intend no harm.
Other people sometimes have bad days, just as I sometimes have bad days.
I have no idea what another is going through, or has gone through, that makes them appear to me to be obnoxious or uncaring or thoughtless. Did they just get bad news about an ailing parent? Did someone dear to them lose a job? Are they concerned over an unpayable bill that is no fault of their own? Are they losing their home? Are they jaywalking because they have an emergency? Are they driving so slowly because they are deep in thought about a sick child?
This does not mean that I am a doormat. It does mean that I choose my battles, and I can usually do what I do with a smile. I smiled at the rude young men who stepped in front of me at the deli, and told them, "Excuse me; I was next." -- and gave the lady my order. I told the nosy, inquisitive woman, with a smile, that the information she asked for was none of her business. I told another that I did not want to hear what they had to say about someone -- that time without a smile.
I think we have to figure out what is truly our battle and what is not, and we should assume the best of people. Do I always get this right? No.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 8:57:16 AM
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preserved
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There is a time and place to tell a person if they are being rude to you...You should do it directly to them and not in front of other people..in a kind and christian manner. Best to pray before approaching it will be received a lot better.
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 9:43:47 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 866
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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Whether or not you feel entitled or justified, no one wants to be constantly criticized, especially in front of others. It gives you a reputation of someone people don't want to be around in fear you will do it to them.
You imply people have been rude to you for a very long time. Is it possible you are being too sensitive or misreading them?
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 10:21:30 AM
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sunshine4God
Posts: 6389
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Sterling Ct.
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If people are rude to me I just ignore them and try my best to keep being nice anyways.
_____________________________
Matthew 5:16.
"Let your light so shine before men that they will see
your good deeds and glorify your Lord".
Its me chilling out!
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 11:08:30 AM
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sylvan
Posts: 120
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quote:
At the same time I have grown in the area of standing up for myself more, and not letting people walk over me. Getting walked over has been the general stance I've taken most of my life thus far.
The more resistance you put up to 'something', the more you identify with that 'something' and become that 'something'.
quote:
I've become more of what you might call.....a jerk.
Exactly. Like a jerk.
I think you need to do some self-analysis. It seems you are on guard constantly and feel threatened. You need to change your defensive mindset - it's not easy, because the mind is a defensive machine. But, it will change your life. In reality, very often people aren't really being rude or mean, we just interpret it that way because we focus on the negative - we're fearful or threatened - on guard. Negative people are drawn to negativity, because they identify with it. Similiarly, positive people tend to have positive experiences - because they gravitate toward positive things. They don't continue to add to the negative cycle. If you're giving out negative vibes, you're gonna get negative vibes. Or, if someone is rude to you and you respond rudely it only perpetuates and increases the negativity in your life.
People that have inner peace rarely have to stand up for themselves. Why? - because they don't care about petty stuff. If someone is rude to a person with inner peace/strength, that person doesn't care. They're secure, confident, and unphased. That's what you need to work for in terms of relations. Yes, there are times we have to stand up for ourselves, but it never needs to get rude. Being calm in the face of rude people empowers you - loosing your cool and being rude back empowers the other person - and the negative cycle continues.
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 11:32:28 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3201
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JaredMeister
Hi,
As I've gotten older (30's.... :-), I've apparently grown more and more tired of people being rude to me. At the same time I have grown in the area of standing up for myself more, and not letting people walk over me. Getting walked over has been the general stance I've taken most of my life thus far. But as a result of these changes in me, I've become more of what you might call.....a jerk.
Okay, not totally a jerk. But I feel like it a lot because I will often call people out on things they did wrong immediately. That is, right at the moment they did it, and even in front of people! Not huge groups of people, but small groups.
I feel like I'm just fed up with people, and I mean Christians who know better, from stepping on other people's feelings, or just not thinking about other people's feelings. So I'll just say something about it.
The typical approach by Christians, and even most everyday people, Christian or not, is to just let it go. And then maybe say something about it later to the person in private. Yes, I do this too. But I'm wondering where is the line. My concern is not just that the person is rude to me, but that they will be rude to other people as well, and that they should cut out said behavior. I'll come up with specific examples later. :)
thanks
There is a way to diffuse people like this. If someone is rude to me, be it a wait person, sales clerk, friend, or acquaintance, I simply ask the following question:
"Excuse me, have I done something to offend you?... because you seem upset with me."
This stops them in their tracks, and causes them have to give a defense for their behavior. They usually respond by saying something like:
"Oh I'm so sorry, I'm just having a really bad day," or "Oh, no! I was out of line, forgive me."...and they nearly always get extra nice after that.
This is way of calling them on their behavior without sinking to the same level they have.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 11:51:40 AM
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sylvan
Posts: 120
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:
This stops them in their tracks, and causes them have to give a defense for their behavior
Yep, I do this as a way of disarming people. Questions put people on the defensive by nature. It's the nature of questions. People that are in an emotional state are usually in a reactive mode, so a good question makes them stop and look at themselves. A question like yours makes the person stop and think, "Why am I behaving like this?". Usually they don't have a "good" reason (often it's nothing you did) and it's definately a good way to humble somebody that is rude or emotional. But, it's not easy - if a person is not in control of their mind and therefore their emotions, they won't be able to even form a question. Instead, they will immediately get defensive and emotional - responding to rudeness with rudeness or something else negative. But, it's very good advice - and questions are a good thing to practice on. People that automatically default to anger, aren't in control of their own self.
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 12:16:42 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3509
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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Because I can be a pushy, belligerent, demanding person, I use disciplinary tools to keep myself straight. Two are just general social tools, and two are of a religious nature.
The first social tool is simply that I am a generally happy person, so it is easy for me to smile, laugh, and find the humor in things and circumstances. When I walk go out in public, then, I check my attitude to make sure that the occasional scowl is not there and that I am, indeed, armed with both my smile and sense of humor.
The second social tool is that I make sure that I am more ready with the compliments than I am with the criticisms. For example, if a store or clerk or employee or boss consistently does a great job or kindness, they're gonna hear about it from me!  And if one of these tries a new kindness when they had not been that way, they're gonna hear about that, too.
The third tool I use, that is of a religious nature, is that I have a mezzuzah on the doors of my house, and I used them. For those who don't know what a mezzuzah is, it is a small container that has Scriptures inside it. When I walk out of the house, I touch it, then put my fingers to my lips, and it is a promise to do/act as G-d expects me while outside the house. When I walk back in, I do the same, promising that I will act as G-d expects me inside my house, with regard to the people in my home and with my things (TV, for example). I also wear a tiny mezzuzah on a ribbon or chain about my neck.
The fourth tool are my tzitzit (often called fringes in the Bible). One cannot put them on without realizing the seriousness of what they represent, and they help me stay on the straight-and-narrow.
I know that most people here are Christian and may not have access to such personal tools, but you can use other things in the same manner. I have seen many Christians wearing crosses. They can be your reminder. I used to see people wearing tiny glass globelets with a mustard seed inside. That us another great reminder, because one cannot maintain faith in G-d without following Him in obedience.
< Message edited by Covaan_Meshuga -- 6/23/2008 12:24:08 PM >
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 12:17:33 PM
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Miss Giggles
Posts: 4130
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: MI
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Kat summed it up pretty good. There is a way to call people out on rudeness in a firm way, but not everyone can do it without being to aggressive. Some of my managers are good at doing it. Some people just react by getting mad. You don't have to take it. Some people will apologize if you call them out on it.
Just be aware that are some people who still believe in the stereotype that women who speak up are.. well you know. It's possible to be assertive and polite.
< Message edited by Miss Giggles -- 6/23/2008 12:25:40 PM >
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 3:40:51 PM
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sylvan
Posts: 120
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Cloak
I believe you are becoming mature and when you do that, some people are going to be threatened by your change in particular those who know you like family members. Ditto for learning to grow up and stand up for yourself!
The best thing to do is to be sure about what you do, to recognize your boundaries and not to let any one overstep those boundaries. In healthy relationships there are always boundaries.
Yes, you definitely can be quite polite and assertive and reclaim your rights when they have been violated even if you have to be politely aggressive.  
Blessings!
I agree that there a situations where boundaries are necessary, but "boundary" gets back to the primitive defensive mindset I mentioned above. It's not healthy in my opinion, and often shows extreme immaturity. Take a guy in traffic w/ rage issues - he's just waiting for someone to cross his path (imaginary boundary). When it happens (and it's inevitable), he feels "personally" violated. Or perhaps it's a guy in a grocery store that accidentally gets "brushed" by a passing customer, then flying off the handle. I've seen it happen. Things escalate and get way out of hand all the time because people have no control over their emotions and a lot of boundaries - it's sad really. Also, I see no need for people to be "aggressive" if they've got their mind right. "Assertive" sure, but there's really no place for aggression. It's for the weak (and foolish as mentioned above)....and not Christ-like. OP, I say get rid of some boundaries....boundaries don't set you free, they keep you locked-in!
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 4:05:09 PM
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Cloak
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From: Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sylvan
quote:
ORIGINAL: Cloak
I believe you are becoming mature and when you do that, some people are going to be threatened by your change in particular those who know you like family members. Ditto for learning to grow up and stand up for yourself!
The best thing to do is to be sure about what you do, to recognize your boundaries and not to let any one overstep those boundaries. In healthy relationships there are always boundaries.
Yes, you definitely can be quite polite and assertive and reclaim your rights when they have been violated even if you have to be politely aggressive.
Blessings!
I agree that there a situations where boundaries are necessary, but "boundary" gets back to the primitive defensive mindset I mentioned above. It's not healthy in my opinion, and often shows extreme immaturity. Take a guy in traffic w/ rage issues - he's just waiting for someone to cross his path (imaginary boundary). When it happens (and it's inevitable), he feels "personally" violated. Or perhaps it's a guy in a grocery store that accidentally gets "brushed" by a passing customer, then flying off the handle. I've seen it happen. Things escalate and get way out of hand all the time because people have no control over their emotions and a lot of boundaries - it's sad really. Also, I see no need for people to be "aggressive" if they've got their mind right. "Assertive" sure, but there's really no place for aggression. It's for the weak (and foolish as mentioned above)....and not Christ-like. OP, I say get rid of some boundaries....boundaries don't set you free, they keep you locked-in!
In my post I am talking about someone being Deliberately RUDE not accidental behaviours!
_____________________________
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/23/2008 10:15:09 PM
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still4gvn
Posts: 1081
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From: just north of Seattle, WA
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A boundary is not about being defensive or aggressive. It defines what is in it and keeps all parts in harmony. If your kidneys didn't have a boundary, they might spill into your liver or something! Setting boundaries with people is a way of saying 'we're both valuable -no one can push the other around'.
When we learn something new, we need practice to get it right. If you've let people push you too far, perhaps you will push back a little too forcefully till you find a happy balance - don't worry if you don't get it right at once.
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/24/2008 8:00:09 AM
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evryknee
Posts: 276
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JaredMeister,
It is great to see that you have noticed some things in your behavior and seek to change it. You can't change the behavior fully until you change your heart. In your heart, IMO, there seems to be some pride (correcting others, not caring about their feelings, "It's my job to correct/confront people", etc), a deeper anger (possibly) for being stepped on, and maybe a few other things (Ask the Lord to search your heart on these things). Is there a fear of relationships / rejection that you are keeping people at a distance?
First, I suggest you confess your heart in these matters and get into the Word, asking the Lord to work in you through His Spirit (sounds like he has already started by convicting you).
Then look at times in the past where you have to forgive others for their rudeness to you, then ask for forgiveness from those you have been rude to. These steps are steps towards humility.
In I Cor 8, Paul says thet "knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." Begin to look at others as not ones who need to be confronted, but to be loved (though love may involve confrontation (in humility) from time to time). Read "Relationships: A Mess Worth Making" by Paul Tripp & Tim Lane. Find ways to serve within the church w/o others knowing.
I think these are some steps for you to move forward in the process that the HS has begun. Blessings.
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/24/2008 8:07:10 AM
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evryknee
Posts: 276
Joined: 3/9/2008
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quote:
But I'm wondering where is the line. My concern is not just that the person is rude to me, but that they will be rude to other people as well, and that they should cut out said behavior. I'll come up with specific examples later. :)
I might have gone off track a bit in the last post - but again, to take a look at your heart and the motive. Is it out of love or of pride? Do you love the person when confronting them in front of others?
Also, you will not be able to help it if they are rude to others. The Holy Spirit will convict them of these things (prob. more so after you approach them in love just for their rudeness to you). You are not the HS, but if you believe you have been sinned against, feel free to talk about it alone with the person.
Final thought/question: Is it that they are intentionally being rude, or is it just your interpretation of their actions?
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/24/2008 9:33:35 AM
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redeemedsaint
Posts: 479
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I usually confront things right then and there or wait a little while after I have cooled down, then I would talk to the individual. I'm 47 and as I get older, I get a little tired as well in putting up with people's rudeness and hurting people's feelings and will say something at the time or wait until later when I get them alone and talk with them about it so as not to embarrass them.
_____________________________
Woody
Get off the track cause the freight train is coming - Coach Bobby Lee Duke from Facing the Giants
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/24/2008 3:32:16 PM
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sylvan
Posts: 120
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: still4gvn
A boundary is not about being defensive or aggressive. It defines what is in it and keeps all parts in harmony. If your kidneys didn't have a boundary, they might spill into your liver or something! Setting boundaries with people is a way of saying 'we're both valuable -no one can push the other around'.
When we learn something new, we need practice to get it right. If you've let people push you too far, perhaps you will push back a little too forcefully till you find a happy balance - don't worry if you don't get it right at once.
Where not talking about kidneys. With people, if you break the need for boundaries down to the very basic - it's about protecting and securing something - that's defensive, whether it's a privacy fence, an office compromise, or a nuclear standoff. We perceive boundaries as "good" because most people are selfish - they don't have control over their ego or emotions. In your example, two parties seek some sort of mutual boundary where both parties "get a little" - most people are okay with that. But, there are other ways and higher truths - and better avenues to pursue. Why have a firm boundary if you don't have to have one? Look at the early Church as an example - there were very little boundaries and everyone shared and worshiped as one body. Unfortunately, we will never get back to that because everyone continues the cycle of false thinking and logic.
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/24/2008 4:13:18 PM
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JaredMeister
Posts: 183
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Indiana
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Hey, thanks for the replies, everybody.
I've never doubted it was ultimately a heart issue. But there are also cultural norms for when and where real rudeness should be confronted. Even Jesus did not put up with everything! The only time he did not stand up for himself was in his passion. (Don't write me and say, "but you're not Jesus!" No, but we are called to be Christ-like.) Yes, I do have some issues with being sensitive and maybe over-defense. But I don't think these came from nothing. I think these have been borne out of tough experiences. The reason I'm sensitive is because people are hurtful!
Here's more of my situation. I'm a full-time seminary student who lives on campus. There are lots of other students around, ages 23-35. What has happened is that I've found myself naturally having a much higher standard for their behavior than I would anyone else. (Please, don't write and say "you shouldn't set the standard for other people!!!") The rudeness is often more indirect. When they are unfriendly, or unwelcoming, or leave me out of events, then I feel hurt. I feel extra hurt because these are future leaders in the church, and should really know better. Yes, I know they are sinners too. So am I.
This situation is combined with church. I find it amazing how unwelcoming churches can be. I know lots of people have a similar dilemma, but it is really a bad thing. The church of Christ should be a haven for souls, and it just stinks when it's sometimes more painful to go to church than to stay home! It's an issue beyond simple rudeness. But this issue starts with people at church simply not talking to you or welcoming you in, which is a form of rudeness.
The whole, "they didn't really mean it" thing has some merit. But that's part of why I have choose to tell people why they're being rude. They need to know that their unintended action can be very rude to someone. Kids need to be told what they did was wrong. I'm not saying treat other people like kids, of course. But adults need help too! It takes a long time to really grow up.
Well I've given you guys a lot more to chew on.
< Message edited by JaredMeister -- 6/24/2008 4:20:17 PM >
_____________________________
~ Jared
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
-- Darth Vader
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/24/2008 4:18:36 PM
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JaredMeister
Posts: 183
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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Btw, Covaan_Meshuga, thanks for joining our thread. I'm studying Hebrew right now!
_____________________________
~ Jared
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
-- Darth Vader
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RE: When do you confront rudeness directly? (if ever) - 6/24/2008 4:27:11 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 276
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
What has happened is that I've found myself naturally having a much higher standard for their behavior than I would anyone else. (Please, don't write and say "you shouldn't set the standard for other people!!!") The rudeness is often more indirect. When they are unfriendly, or unwelcoming, or leave me out of events, then I feel hurt. I feel extra hurt because these are future leaders in the church, and should really know better. Yes, I know they are sinners too. So am I.
Yes, it does hurt when people are unwelcoming or leave you out, whether purposely or accidently, we may not know. So, what do you do with this? Who do you turn to for value, worth? You know the right answers, but it is tough to apply it. To be hurt when rejected is natural. Do you think you might be looking at other people for worth and value, magnifying the hurt and anger? I know this can be the case with me sometimes, until I remind myself that my worth is in Him who gave His life for me. Preaching the gospel to myself has been very helpful.
It is OK to b ehurt, to share your feelings with Him. But when that hurt turns to anger, and your fear of it happening again leads you to confront (not in love), then you are on the path to the Dark Side (breathing like Darth Vader).
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