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When husband pouts or is distant - 4/6/2008 11:50:14 PM
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graftedintoo
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Joined: 3/7/2008
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Hi everyone. This is my first new topic post. I've been reading occasionally and this does sound like a nice group of folks.
What do you married ladies do when your husband pouts - like when he has gotten offended at something or seems to be taking some frustration out on you? I am always tempted to panic and then I will pester him about what is wrong. Then he won't want to talk and that makes it even worse in me. This little cycle we go through sometimes is very upsetting.
Things usually go better if I just keep my mouth shut but how do people ever get problems resolved or out in the open if one just won't talk? If I can't discuss the problem, I am just stuffing those feelings. Those feelings have even made me sick before.
Maybe I keep expecting him, after all these years, to act like a woman and talk.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/7/2008 1:22:02 AM
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lil_gringa
Posts: 723
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Is it working for you? If it's not working for you than you need to be able to come up with a plan that will work for both of you. I would suggest that you tell him that this form of communication doesn't work for you and you both need to communicate how to resolve problems. Ideally, this is better if you're not in the middle of a problem. That way there isn't a reason for him to be offended, but you're bringing a solution to an issue that hasn't worked for you. Tell him you love him and want to show him respect. Ask him to please help you communicate with him in a way that will help answer questions or doubts you are having without disrespecting him. Respect is love to a man.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/7/2008 9:02:17 AM
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Wild-Rose
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From: Upstate NY
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If he is upset or frustrated at something else, not you, then there is nothing to resolve. Go for a walk, go out, do something with friends. You can only be in a cycle if you keep doing the same thing again and again. Do something different than you usually do.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/16/2008 10:47:15 PM
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graftedintoo
Posts: 25
Joined: 3/7/2008
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Oh, I do wish that talking with him would have worked - a long time ago. Oh, how I wish it would work as you have suggested. I've done all of that many times over.
For example. I accidently locked him out of the house this afternoon while he was out walking. I had run out for a few minutes. When I realized what had happened, I apologized but at the same time, inside, I expected him to give me the cold shoulder, which he did all evening. When I tried to talk about it later, within 3 minutes, he had blown up and started yelling. Stomped off to bed accusing me of going on and on and on and on........our conversation consisted of maybe 3 minutes before he blew up. On and on and on and on?????
He did this the other night too and called to apologize early in the morning after he got to work the next day.
I am starting to do something different when he gets mad at ME (which happens more than I think is warranted). I even made a list of things I can do when he does this. He is mad at me tonight so he probably won't speak to me for 3 days. It does not take much to make him angry.
I have been married to him for almost 14 years. I am always afraid he is going to get mad and have been that way most of our marriage. Is it working? No, it's not working. There is not any talking with him. I think the only way any kind of upset can be avoided here is if I never - ever say anything about anything that might be bothering me. That is not right and not healthy. If he in any way thinks or realizes that I am saying anything about him, he becomes totally defensive and ugly in the mouth.
I am able to react much better these days than I used to. I think he is verbally abusive at times too. I also think he is very angry inside. We are rarely intimate.
I can't believe I am telling all of this. I hear my mind thinking - he is the sweetest person when he is not angry. That's like the alcoholic's wife that says, "He is so nice when he is not drunk."
I think I need counseling for ME. I did buy the book on love and respect. It is really good. Unfotunately, to be totally respectful of him, I think I have to live with a permanent gag order. Never complain. Never point out anything that might bother me. Ever. How can that be right? Communicate? I get about 3 minutes tops.
< Message edited by graftedintoo -- 4/16/2008 11:00:03 PM >
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/16/2008 11:09:54 PM
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graftedintoo
Posts: 25
Joined: 3/7/2008
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You know, I read that scriptrue in Proverbs this morning and even thought to myself, I wonder what I might face today where I will need this.
Yea, it happened. I must not have been kind enough, I guess.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/17/2008 9:26:54 AM
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Row1
Posts: 164
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GraftedInToo -
yes, counseling may help a lot - it may help you understand the specific situation you are in, and understand your role in it.
However, from your info, the problem is not really you - it is your husband. From what you have said, he is just not holding up his end of the deal. Plus, it really sounds likely that he has some significant problem - problem communicating with a wife, an anger problem, an immaturity problem, I don't know. But he is not holding up his end of the marriage deal.
I pout on some occasions because my wife does not listen to me - this is the opposite. We have been married for three years, and we have made a lot of progress in communication. We both have the same overall goal, and are both workign together, even though we have disagreements.
We are both working to serve each other, live like God wants us to live as a married couple, and have a nice home life. We 'argue' and I pout at times, and she is not perfect either - but we both have the same goals, so we end up working together one way or another.
Your relationship does not sound like this at all.
It sounds like you have tried to assume the problems are yours, and have tried to be nice enough or quiet enough to make things better, but it has not worked and you are finally trying to figure out truly is it you or him? If he has the problem, there is no amount of niceness or appeasement that will work. You will get depressed if you keep holding yourself responsible and keep putting all of the burden on yourself for marriage problems.
A counselor can help you figure this out. And maybe help you figure out a strategy to address these things as much as you can (since a large part of the problem may be due to your husband and not you). You have a problem and a counselor can help, but you are not the origin of the problem - if your husband is the origin, then there is only so much you can do from your side of the deal, and only so much you should feel responsible for. Besides a counselor, you could find some decent self-help reading, including books from a Christian focus. Read abt anger, communication, and assertiveness.
-Row1
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/17/2008 9:49:15 AM
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Ps103
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Moving this from Relationships to Marriage.
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Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/17/2008 10:02:08 AM
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stampinlady
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From: Northern IL
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quote:
We are rarely intimate.
Seems like something is going on. Someone mentioned seeking counseling and I agree.
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Deb
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/17/2008 2:16:19 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Well, seems like something else is going on. 
However, just on the subject of pouting/cold shoulder....
It is his problem, and he shouldn't do it. It's not your fault. But you can't make him change. You can only learn from what *hasn't* worked, and change your responses.
1. Remain loving and kind to him. Respond to what he does with love, and not with anger. This is good. Just remember that you are not doing it to change him, but because God requires you to be loving. It's a stand alone thing. You can't make your husband behave badly, and you can't make him change--that's his choice alone.
2. You know that trying to address it while he's in his "off" mode doesn't work, so let it be until he's done pouting. Be kind while you wait--heap them burning coals on his head.  Then choose a time when both of you are calm, and bring it up, if it's truly necessary to address it.
3. You can't avoid upset, and you shouldn't try. What you need to concentrate on is doing what you know is pleasing to God. If that's speaking a truth that needs to be spoken, then you speak, and let the upset happen. Just make sure that when you are speaking you are being rational, respectful, and loving. In that way, you have done what is required of you, and need feel no guilt about his behavior.
_____________________________
"Children are durable and don’t necessarily wilt under adversity, just as our children don’t necessarily thrive under luxury and comfort." Garrison Keillor
Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/17/2008 5:49:03 PM
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NoDumbBlonde
Posts: 1177
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From: Upper West Side, Planet Earth
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First off, pray that God will change his heart and reveal how he reacts in such a way as to make him want to change. . His repsonse sounds extremely immature, reminds me of elementary or junior high. His behavior is obviously bring some sort of payoff for him. I imagine he thinks he is punishing you. Clearly, he gets some sort of satisfaction from it so take it away from him. Think of how you respond to his pouting, cold shoulder and pettyness and change it. Instead of reacting in the usual way cheer up! Comment that you are sorry if he refuses to accept your apology but that you have moved on and will no longer be made to feel bad for any offense. (however you feel you need to repsond) If you go about your evening in a happy, non-chalant manner, acting as if all is great then he may see that he is no longer receiving the payoff for his childish behavior. If he continues to be distant than look at it as a time when you can do what you enjoy, read a good book, soak in a tub, something special for just you.
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<----- My Blog: A Day in the Life
You know you're wealthy when you have enough money to do something other than breathe.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/18/2008 1:18:30 AM
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bensulli
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Curious, to be honest it's the reverse in my marriage. Typically I'm the one desperate to get at the root of my wife's distance. I've learned there a few things to keep in mind:
1) Just because he is distant/pouting doesn't mean he blames you, is angry at you, or wants you to ask him about it. Sure, maybe a mistake you made put him in a bad mood, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's holding a grudge, he's simply miffed and wants a bit of time to himself.
2) I've learned that sometimes you just have to trust the other person when they say nothing's wrong. So often I get the feeling that my wife isn't being perfectly honest when she says she's fine, but I have to learn to accept that what she's saying is more important than what that nagging in the back of my head says.
My advice is that this happening after any given instance isn't that big of a deal. Hopefully it's something you can improve on together with time, but people just react to things differently than we expect sometimes. If you find that this occurs over a long period of time after a single significant issue, then I would take the next step and try to discuss it further.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/18/2008 2:45:38 AM
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married4fun
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I don't know really. I have something to say but I don't know how well it addresses your question. When I am talking to my wife I sometimes wan't to "make my point" in the conversation or argument. It sometimes doesn't end well. I can be rude, insensitive, pouty, and can bore her to death with endless talking about junk that she doesn't want to hear.
If I am animated or worked up she will do something she started doing in the last 10 years or so...she will just become a sweetie. Sort of smile at me, touch my arm, ....ask me for a kiss...or a sweet hug....and then love me in a non-sexual but physical sort of way. Hugs, kisses, and sweetness first, and then the conversation from both of us seems to be to re-assure the other. My tension is gone. My poutiness is gone. We sort of talk like loving people again. I don't really know how it works. I just know that it works for us.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/18/2008 10:36:59 PM
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Sadey
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He is getting a huge payoff from you, you are jumping through hoops to apease him.
My husband was a pouter and I found that if I totally ignored him, well not him but his attitude, cheerfully ignored his mood, he would come around. Don't ask whats wrong, if it something you did and its bad enough, he will tell you, if it isn't bad enough to tell you then don't worry about it.
Do you feel that your whole life revolves around his moods and anger? If so, you do really need to get into counseling. This is too hard for one person to handle alone. You need someone in your corner cheering you on.
Bless you
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/19/2008 7:29:56 PM
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Auben
Posts: 1635
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From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
Status: online
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People deal with anger in different ways.
It sounds like his way of dealing with his anger is withdrawing/becoming quiet. In this mode he doesn't want to talk because talking may release his anger. Probably the last thing he wants to do is 'blow up at you.'
This does not mean that he is 'pouting' or 'ignoring you' necessarily. He is withdrawing to protect you from his emotions until he gets them under control. When you press the issue so that you can feel better you are intruding on his coping mechanism.
Or maybe he is a pouter. Really, none of us can tell from this distance.
This way of handling things currently is not working for you though so you need to find a time he is not dealing with his emotions/angry/frustrated/silent and ask him how you can best deal with these situations so that you feel some security and closure. Ask questions about if he's angry with you or with the situation. Find out the best time to talk to him or ask him to give you a sign that the whole thing is over. Let him know that you understand his point of view but you need to know that if he's quiet for 3 days that he's not angry with you or pouting over some mistake.
Once you have some verbal clarification it may be easier for you to let go of the situation and understand him better. You are not at fault for his emotions. You also can't keep thinking that everything you do is making him do whatever he is doing. That's just not the case. He has responsibility over his behavior. If you think counseling would help you I'd say go for it. He could probably use some help with anger issues as well but that may be embarrassing to him (or he may not think its a big deal).
< Message edited by Auben -- 4/19/2008 7:37:07 PM >
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Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/19/2008 10:37:47 PM
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imageoftheinvisible
Posts: 16
Joined: 4/19/2008
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In the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" the author points out that men and women approach solving problems and issues differently. A woman, generally, needs to talk through a problem or issue with others. A man, on the other hand, needs to "go to his cave", which basically means a man approaches problems by thinking about the solutions in his mind on his own. Women are emotion-focused while men are solution-focused...generally.
What may be helpful is to allow your husband some space and encourage him to come back and discuss, which will help you to feel as though the issue is getting resolved. Pressing the issue with a male, who is not sensitive to emotions or issues, will only drive him further away. You will have to encourage him, in a safe environment, to express himself without overracting to his responses. He probably tends to pout or distance himself because he is either not comfortable expressing emotions or he fears opening himself up to others (including his wife). Anger is a secondary emotion, which means it is the expression of underlying emotions that are not being dealt with...like fear. People with anger problems, generally have a great deal of fear in their lives..whether they are willing to admit to it or not. You sound as though you are a patient wife and you have a good heart. I believe God speaks to husbands through their wives. God is going to use you to strengthen your husband and reduce/eliminate the fear and anger in his life.
< Message edited by imageoftheinvisible -- 4/19/2008 10:50:51 PM >
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/20/2008 5:55:55 AM
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maddog4god
Posts: 270
Joined: 5/30/2006
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quote:
I have been married to him for almost 14 years. I am always afraid he is going to get mad and have been that way most of our marriage. Is it working? No, it's not working. There is not any talking with him. I think the only way any kind of upset can be avoided here is if I never - ever say anything about anything that might be bothering me. That is not right and not healthy. If he in any way thinks or realizes that I am saying anything about him, he becomes totally defensive and ugly in the mouth.
He does this because it works for him. He says whatever he wants and then your run around and fix it.
You locked him out of the house because you were distracted, but he probably said you did it because you were selfish or something. Just because he says something doesn't make it true.
You need to explore who you are in Christ and who you are to God. When you understand that, he can call you a horse and you won't go buy a saddle. It will most likely be difficult and in fact will most likely get worse before it gets better but remember, this has been working for him for a long time, he's bound to throw a fit when it stops working for him.
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http://www.50-two-weeks.com/
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/22/2008 2:46:56 PM
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flowerz
Posts: 293
Joined: 1/6/2006
From: Canada
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In our earlier days of marriage when my husband was upset with me, I used to panic & try to talk things out.
I have discovered that things go better when I keep my mouth shut and try to act cheerful. He feels better this way, and things get back to normal much faster. Sometimes I feel worse, for keeping things inside, so I pray or write in my journal to make feel better.
quote:
Unfotunately, to be totally respectful of him, I think I have to live with a permanent gag order. Never complain. Never point out anything that might bother me. Ever.
I understand completely. Some people are just sensitive and challenging to live with.
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RE: When husband pouts or is distant - 4/24/2008 1:35:54 AM
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nekkew
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quote:
I did buy the book on love and respect. It is really good. Unfotunately, to be totally respectful of him, I think I have to live with a permanent gag order. its the crazy cycle , without love she reacts with out respect. without respect he reacts without love.
_____________________________
ALL Paths lead to the same destination...
... ONE Path leads to eternal LIFE !!
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