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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 9:22:07 AM
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JimboFletch
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I have found that a lot of people with a passion or gifting for something expect all sincere believers to have their same passion. (I too have been guilty of this, so I kind of understand.)
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 9:32:31 AM
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JimboFletch
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It still might be their passion.
If not, that person may just be frustrated that they think they will have such a hard time getting another volunteer to replace you. Ideally, they should have thanked you for the help you have given and not let their frustration show. But people sometimes are more concerned about their problems than appreciating others.
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 9:58:02 AM
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pbaribeault
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That's pretty obvious - if you won't do whatever it is, someone else will have to, or whatever it is won't get done. So it's the person that you say 'No' to that has a new challenge today thanks to you. Some people will be courteous and others will be transparent in their reactions - but unless you think what you were doing was unimportant, of course they are going to be bothered about having to fill the void.
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 10:14:07 AM
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csl7037
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I understand both sides of this all too well. I get in way over my head volunteering and coordinating things and know it can be frustrating when you can't find the helpers you need for whatever the project is. But I also know what it is to be way over-committed and to be the one everyone asks to do everything because you have a reputation for never saying no.
What I've found is that for my own sanity, I have to prioritize. I take commitments more seriously than I used to and try to know what I'm getting myself into. Also, when it's a position that will require coordinating or recruiting helpers, I try really hard to keep this in perspective, remember that people are busy just like me, I try to appreciate outwardly the helpers I can rely on, and try to take it in stride when I'm turned down. I try to expect nothing, be thankful for little, and not over-tax the few who step up and do a lot. I find that when I get frustrated with people not pulling their weight (in my view), it's because I'm burned out or I've not planned well enough to get what I need.
I recently had to turn down something that A. was way too much to take on for me at that time, B. I didn't have a good attitude about (not totally in agreement with the purpose of the activity or value of it anyway), and C. Dh strongly didn't want me to do it. The lady coordinating it was a little miffed. I can't help that. When she walked away, my friend who was standing there said "I know that was hard for you to do." Sometimes you've just got to do it. If you're not into it or can't really commit to it like you need to, you're really doing that person a favor whether they see it that way or not.
BTW, I think sometimes people get miffed when we say no because they're jealous of your strength and nerve. I've been that way before too. Some people are just incapable of saying no - I used to be really bad about that! Sometimes now, when people can't take on whatever piece of a project I'm asking them to do, I often think "good for you" and sometimes I think "if I was as smart as them, I wouldn't be in this boat myself!" (but I'm getting better about that)
< Message edited by csl7037 -- 5/1/2008 10:20:46 AM >
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 10:18:37 AM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 8509
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havent you ever been upset when someone told you no?
all no have a reasoning behind them. some may be common sense, others may not and hence not be accepted.
and i guess its passion in a way. when your friend has to go to work you wish they didnt have to but they stayed with you instead. you say no but you understand but you still feel upset in a way
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RE: Why do people get Upset when we say NO? - 5/1/2008 10:45:08 AM
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rgod
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quote:
Lately, I had to resign from some of the responsibilities I was undertaking. When I informed the person in charge, I could see frustration and disapproval on his face. I tried to explain to him that this year I am much more busy than the years before. He accepted my resignation with reluctance!
Why do people get upset when we say NO?
To answer your question, basically, if people are used to you saying yes, they don't like to hear no. People always want to hear yes. Sometimes they are dissappointed, but most likely, you were probably a good volunteer and he doesn't want to lose that. You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to find someone who will do what they promise to do.
I've been in this situation many times. People in church did this to me, one my old pastors, friends, teachers. I was always falling into the trap of doing too much - over and over and over again. I'm overcoming it now, praise God - because I'm saying "no" a lot more often these days. And I had a really bad experience a couple of months ago that cured me of this. What I didn't realize at the time is that when I said yes to one thing, I said no to something else. At the height of my busyness, I said no to my friends, my health, my own sense of well-being in my life. I've seen lots of people say no to their kids, their husbands, parents, wives and more. And ultimately if you are not attending to the things that God has called you to attend to, you are no to God and his plan for your life (I shudder to think of how many times I did this). I've gotten to the point that I'd rather say yes to God any day than to say yes to someone else. It just isn't worth it.
If you say no to someone, and they stay upset at you for a long time, that is really not your problem. It is a sign that they do not respect boundaries and might not have good boundaries of their own. And, if the anger and upset continues and they keep bringing it up or trying to guilt you into doing something, then what you are facing is manipulation - and that is a sign that you DEFINITELY need to say no. What should happen is after you've explained this to them, even if they are disappointed and upset for the moment at the thought of losing you, eventually (by the next time they see you at least) they should be thankful for the years that you were able to give and be able to wish you well. They should be able to recognize when you say no. That is the healthy response and the godly one. They should be wanting you to be in the middle of God's purpose, no matter what it is.
Good for you for recognizing what you need to do for you and your family. Good for you for having the courage to say "no." Don't fall into the trap of taking on just one more thing because you feel guilty ... it is easy to do that. If you've done something for a long time though, you can schedule a meeting where you can pass on what you've learned complete with your contact lists or whatever kinds of information that would be needed by the next person. That is a nice courtesy and can help ease the transition - and should is a one-time finite commitment.
rgod
< Message edited by rgod -- 5/1/2008 10:53:26 AM >
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 4:29:25 PM
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Cloak
Posts: 3308
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Konstantinos
havent you ever been upset when someone told you no?
No I haven't, because I give people freedom of choice and decision!
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And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 6:19:41 PM
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saraimay75
Posts: 6871
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From: Wherever God plants me.
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Because this person expected you to something and now you are not. So therefore they have find someone else to do it. And it can be especialy disappointing when it is a task that you do well or to their liking.
Is this your fault? No.
Some people don't like the unexpected.
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 6:43:56 PM
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Cloak
Posts: 3308
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: saraimay75
Because this person expected you to something and now you are not. So therefore they have find someone else to do it. And it can be especialy disappointing when it is a task that you do well or to their liking.
Is this your fault? No.
Some people don't like the unexpected.
I have been doing it for so many years around 8 years. I need a break. I am pretty sure he will find someone more free than me.
_____________________________
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 7:03:13 PM
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Cloak
Posts: 3308
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Canada
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Thanks all for your feedback. I appreciate it!
rgod~ I can relate to what you've been through esp. when we are younger. We tend tend to take everything for granted. In fact, just like you, I neglected my health, my friends etc.
Thank God as we get older some of us learn to become wiser and start to prioritize our life rather than lead a workaholic life.
Yes the director who, thankfully, left last year, got upset at me when I resigned from board meetings and ever since I resigned. Thank God she left now. Just let's remember that they are not Godly Christian folks so if they fail to appreciate me, that is expected from them and know who appreciates me most.
I am well-aware of my own boundaries and as a Godly person, God has # 1 in my life, then comes the rest!
_____________________________
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/1/2008 7:04:42 PM
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Cloak
Posts: 3308
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
I understand both sides of this all too well. I get in way over my head volunteering and coordinating things and know it can be frustrating when you can't find the helpers you need for whatever the project is. But I also know what it is to be way over-committed and to be the one everyone asks to do everything because you have a reputation for never saying no.
What I've found is that for my own sanity, I have to prioritize. I take commitments more seriously than I used to and try to know what I'm getting myself into. Also, when it's a position that will require coordinating or recruiting helpers, I try really hard to keep this in perspective, remember that people are busy just like me, I try to appreciate outwardly the helpers I can rely on, and try to take it in stride when I'm turned down. I try to expect nothing, be thankful for little, and not over-tax the few who step up and do a lot. I find that when I get frustrated with people not pulling their weight (in my view), it's because I'm burned out or I've not planned well enough to get what I need.
I recently had to turn down something that A. was way too much to take on for me at that time, B. I didn't have a good attitude about (not totally in agreement with the purpose of the activity or value of it anyway), and C. Dh strongly didn't want me to do it. The lady coordinating it was a little miffed. I can't help that. When she walked away, my friend who was standing there said "I know that was hard for you to do." Sometimes you've just got to do it. If you're not into it or can't really commit to it like you need to, you're really doing that person a favor whether they see it that way or not.
BTW, I think sometimes people get miffed when we say no because they're jealous of your strength and nerve. I've been that way before too. Some people are just incapable of saying no - I used to be really bad about that! Sometimes now, when people can't take on whatever piece of a project I'm asking them to do, I often think "good for you" and sometimes I think "if I was as smart as them, I wouldn't be in this boat myself!" (but I'm getting better about that)
Great point...sense of priority!
_____________________________
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/2/2008 3:27:19 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 620
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Cloak
I have been doing it for so many years around 8 years. I need a break. I am pretty sure he will find someone more free than me.
I posted above and agree with the other comments here. But it occurs to me now that, if you'd been doing it for so long he might've expected or even assumed you would. In that case, it may have been good to let him and everyone else know well in advance that you'd be stepping out of it this year because you needed a break. Maybe even offering to stay in the loop with a new person giving them the benefit of your experience the last 8 years to then take it on their own next year.
I don't know the exact situation, though (and it doesn't really matter): whether you were heading something up or just a worker or if the event is coming up soon so that they're in a bind by you not doing it or how it works in your situation. Regardless, 8 years is too long to have one person in a volunteer role. At the very least, people need to rotate every few years for the sake of new ideas and not burning people out.
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RE: Why do people get Upset whe we say NO? - 5/2/2008 5:13:52 PM
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Cloak
Posts: 3308
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Canada
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Yes CS but in the last few years it has been quite calm and I did not participate in much activities as I used to simply bc I got more busy during them. I am pretty sure with the situation as it is, they would find lots of other volunteers who would be glad enough to give their time to work with them as volunteer. Even tho He did not even take the trouble of saying thank you for me for the time and efforts I've invested in all those years.
_____________________________
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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Why do people get Upset when we say NO? - 
For God's sake!!!
