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Would it be inappropriate? - 4/17/2008 6:54:08 PM
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ilive4jc
Posts: 13
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My husband's son who is a freshman in high school is being honored for an academic event. His son is only allowed to invite 5 people to this event. Well, I wasn't invited. He invited his father my husband, my husband's ex-wife, his sister and two of his teachers. It's a dinner event with all of them sitting together at a table.
I guess it doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with my husband having dinner with his ex-wife and other children. Also, it hurts me that I wasn't invited. I have always gotten the feeling that his son doesn't really like me.
My question is, and I want other people's opinions, is it appropriate for my husband to attend this event without me at his side?
_____________________________
"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband". Eph 5:33
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/17/2008 7:29:47 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 433
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Yes! This family existed before you were in the picture and you would be well advised not make any waves on this isolated instance. These types of situations going along with the territory when you marry into a ready made family. The son has a right to invite whoever he wants and I would agree it is unfortunate you weren't included. There may be many reasons why the son chose to exclude you but you shouldn't necessarily take it personally.
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 4/17/2008 7:36:14 PM >
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/17/2008 8:17:05 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16662
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From: Central California
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I can understand that you would be hurt that two teachers got invited and not you...it's understandable that you would feel hurt and left out. But I suspect that it may be because your step son wanted both of his parents there and to have a good time celebrating this day and thought it may be awkward with you there too. A lot of kids have a hard time handling events with both mom and step mom(or dad and step dad) there at the same time. It's an awkward situation for some adults even, so imagine how it may feel to a kid to feel the tension of interacting with mom and step mom at the same family event. That's a lot of pressure and could be he chose to avoid the situation altogether.
Even though it's hard for you, and understandably so, I don't see anything inappropriate about your husband attending without you. The fact is he and his ex wife will have a bond through the children forever...graduations, marriages, grandchildren being born. All those events will necessitate them coming together at times to honor their children. I think unless he has proven himself untrustworthy, you should trust that your husband is there for his son and nothing more.
_____________________________
Shoes CAN change your life...just ask Cinderella
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/17/2008 8:47:02 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 697
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I agree. It's kinda disappointing but that wouldn't justify your husband not going - that would be cruel. He probably agonized over who to invite. You should try to be gracious about it and still be happy for him (and tell him so).
Get together with a girlfriend and go to a movie or out to dinner!
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/17/2008 9:22:54 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1634
Joined: 9/20/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
I suspect that it may be because your step son wanted both of his parents there and to have a good time celebrating this day and thought it may be awkward with you there too. A lot of kids have a hard time handling events with both mom and step mom(or dad and step dad) there at the same time. It's an awkward situation for some adults even, so imagine how it may feel to a kid to feel the tension of interacting with mom and step mom at the same family event. That's a lot of pressure and could be he chose to avoid the situation altogether.
The fact is he and his ex wife will have a bond through the children forever...graduations, marriages, grandchildren being born. All those events will necessitate them coming together at times to honor their children. [/font]
As a child of divorce myself, I can totally understand this boy's dilemma. Please let him have his special day with his parents.
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/17/2008 9:23:59 PM
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MrsOliver
Posts: 88
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As I understand the perspectives presented here. Have you spoke to your husband about the situation? Did your husband feel bad that you weren't invited? In my experience, my husband would have made it clear we travel as a team, and that perhaps he could ask for an exception ( the son) to the 5 people, or reapproached a teacher and explained that he would need to invite you instead.
My husband and I do many, many things regarding school sports and church activities, and his ex-wife attends our church. We have 6 children between us. His ex-wife attends the same events as us as well. However, I have never been excluded from anything because my husband has always 'honored my position as his wife". I feel your hurt, because your position is not being honored regardless of your step-sons feelings towards you. My step-children haven't always liked me but they expect me to attend 'every thing' with their dad, because I am his wife. and vice versa for my children.
My suggestion is to really have a heart to heart with your husband so he knows for future events, that he needs to make sure you are placed at his side, regardless of the event. Your husbands job is to protect your position as his wife.
If your husband doesn't say anything about this event to your step-son, the situation will come up again, because it may only be bothering you.
As I do agree that children get caught in the middle of divorce, blended step families and the issues involved. But the Bible is very clear on the positioning in the home. Your husband is the head, the spiritual leader and your protector. you are to be his help-meet and the two of you raise children. My husband and I have made it very clear to all of our children that they don't come between us and we dont' play favorites. We are a parenting team and we put each other before the kids (unless abuse were to arise of course).
Once they saw us practicing that positioning, they respect it and we continually tell them, "you will want your husband, your wife to put you first and you should expect them to put you first." We try and take the emphasis off of them feeling jealous or unimportant and reasure them that we are setting an example of how God designed marriage to be.
We do make a point to spend individual time with our children, with out competition from step-siblings or step-parents as well.
If your husband doesn't teach his son that his wife comes first in his life, then his son, more than likely will follow that example and not put his wife first either.
It is very hard to blend families and all of the feelings involved. But regardless of first, second or third marriages, the God's plan is still the same.
Just my experience and what works for us.
blessings,
Mrs. Oliver
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 9:44:01 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 937
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I also agree you should graciously let it go. It's obvious he wanted his parents and sister there. Possibly he is inviting the teacher because he/she had input in his life that helped him get the award.
If it were me, I would give him a nice card of congratulations and tell him to have fun and take pictures.
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 9:54:48 AM
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blue1914
Posts: 286
Joined: 6/21/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ilive4jc
I guess it doesn't sit well with me. I'm not comfortable with my husband having dinner with his ex-wife and other children. Also, it hurts me that I wasn't invited. I have always gotten the feeling that his son doesn't really like me.
My question is, and I want other people's opinions, is it appropriate for my husband to attend this event without me at his side?
Recently my son (natural born) did something that hurt me very deeply-he's very young and he made up a "love song" for his mother. It's precious to hear him sing it and about brings a tear to my eye.
I was in his room and he started singing it. I was touched and asked him who he was singing it for-he told me that he was singing to mommy and God. He meant nothing by it, but he couldn't have hurt me more if he had ran me down with a Mac truck (I was hoping beyond hope that I may have been on the list). That day I cried, not over his precious voice singing the song but because I was so hurt. To remember the event almost causes me to choke up right now.
All of that said-while it hurt me emotionally to be sure, I had to acknowledge that HIS song was about what HE felt. I was hurt, but it was not about me at all. I don't love him any less as a result of it all-if anything, it reminded me that I need to spend time with him-not to get a "song" of my own, but because I DO love him so very much.
In the case of your stepson, even if he doesn't like you, I'm pretty sure that everything that he is doing has much more to do with his own feelings than your own-especially if you and his natural mother do not get along all that great, an evening such as that (mom and stepmom) makes it awkward for everyone. Please also remember-you and his father made a choice about who you were going to spend the rest of your life with-he did not. That does not justify him mistreating you in any way, but perhaps it may qualify him for a little grace in a situation that is very awkward for him I'm sure.
When my son hurt my feelings, I had several choices-I could have passively/aggressively taken it out on him by giving him a guilt trip for favoring his mother, I could have lashed out at his mother since she gets to spend more time with him and accused her of not "building me up" in his eyes, I could have reacted in anger in response to the hurt I was feeling-or I could have done what I did which was pray about it and let any hurt I was feeling shine a light on how I might better serve my son in the future.
Putting aside my own feelings has had a BEAUTIFUL effect on our relationship-he and I are closer than ever. Perhaps if you not only "allow" your stepson this special day but bless him in it by participating as much as you can, you too may find common ground that will strengthen your relationship?
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 10:01:38 AM
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stellaluna
Posts: 3361
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I understand that it's hurtful and you feel left out, but I believe it's entirely appropriate. I also hope your husband and his ex-wife have a good relationship, because that's best for their child.
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 1:12:06 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 807
Joined: 11/28/2005
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The point should of been made when you two got together that you and him are a couple and will attend family type events together (unless someone is sick etc.).
Since nothing was said about the matter, grin and bear it. Send the step-son a gift for his achievements and let him know you are proud of him too.
(Repay goodness for his treatment regardless of how awkward it is.) Say nothing about this matter any further... it will only create tension and disharmony in the family and that's not worth it!
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 1:13:20 PM
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ilive4jc
Posts: 13
Joined: 10/17/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsOliver
As I understand the perspectives presented here. Have you spoke to your husband about the situation? Did your husband feel bad that you weren't invited? In my experience, my husband would have made it clear we travel as a team, and that perhaps he could ask for an exception ( the son) to the 5 people, or reapproached a teacher and explained that he would need to invite you instead.
My husband and I do many, many things regarding school sports and church activities, and his ex-wife attends our church. We have 6 children between us. His ex-wife attends the same events as us as well. However, I have never been excluded from anything because my husband has always 'honored my position as his wife". I feel your hurt, because your position is not being honored regardless of your step-sons feelings towards you. My step-children haven't always liked me but they expect me to attend 'every thing' with their dad, because I am his wife. and vice versa for my children.
My suggestion is to really have a heart to heart with your husband so he knows for future events, that he needs to make sure you are placed at his side, regardless of the event. Your husbands job is to protect your position as his wife.
If your husband doesn't say anything about this event to your step-son, the situation will come up again, because it may only be bothering you.
As I do agree that children get caught in the middle of divorce, blended step families and the issues involved. But the Bible is very clear on the positioning in the home. Your husband is the head, the spiritual leader and your protector. you are to be his help-meet and the two of you raise children. My husband and I have made it very clear to all of our children that they don't come between us and we dont' play favorites. We are a parenting team and we put each other before the kids (unless abuse were to arise of course).
Once they saw us practicing that positioning, they respect it and we continually tell them, "you will want your husband, your wife to put you first and you should expect them to put you first." We try and take the emphasis off of them feeling jealous or unimportant and reasure them that we are setting an example of how God designed marriage to be.
We do make a point to spend individual time with our children, with out competition from step-siblings or step-parents as well.
If your husband doesn't teach his son that his wife comes first in his life, then his son, more than likely will follow that example and not put his wife first either.
It is very hard to blend families and all of the feelings involved. But regardless of first, second or third marriages, the God's plan is still the same.
Just my experience and what works for us.
blessings,
MrsOliver I would have to agree with everything that you said. That's exactly how I feel.
My husband and I were in the kitchen when we got the call from his son. I was listening to what my husband was saying. Initially when my husband figured out I wasn't invited. He told his son, "Well I know Mary would like to go". He went on to say, "Why don't you call your sister to see if she is going or not going so maybe Mary can go".
Well after that call, my husband could see that whole scenario did not sit well with me. My husband and are a team we travel together. We have two children together. Just this last Tuesday we had different appointments. We were both trying to figure out how we can attend these appointments together. I tried by making phone calls to try to rearrange times, but it didn't work out. We had to travel in separate cars. So we came up with a plan to meet at the dentists parking lot so we can be together to do the rest of chores for that day together. We both like doing things and going places together.
Well anyway my stepson called back and pretty much said everyone he invited is coming. So my husband told his son, "I don't think I will be able to attend". I could tell from their conversation his son asked why. My husband, I could tell was trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings, simply said, "It's hard to explain". They talked a little bit more and my husband went on to say, "Mary would like to go as a couple". He still let his son know he may not be going. After that phone call, my husband told me he would rather disappoint his son by not going then disappoint me by going.
My husband has made it clear to my stepchildren in the beginning of our marriage that God comes first then his wife.
I can understand my stepson wants his parents together. It's awkward for my husband and I to be around his ex-wife. He rarely ever talks to her. They are cordial when they do talk.
I'm feeling insecure also. If my husband were to attend without me, he would be there with his ex-wife at the same table. All of them laughing and joking with each other. "Remembering the good old days". I say that because when the 2 stepchildren are in our company they do sometimes talk about the good old days, "Remember When" ect......He has had history with this woman. She left the marriage to pursue her selfish desires. And it hurt him deeply. I feel like I should be at my husband side in this circumstance. After listening to his conversation with his son, I can see he feels the same way. But I also feel a little guilty that he's not going because he wants to please me.
_____________________________
"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband". Eph 5:33
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 1:32:25 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2744
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
After that phone call, my husband told me he would rather disappoint his son by not going then disappoint me by going.
I understand how you feel. However, your relationship with your husband will survive his attending this event without you. His relationship with his son may not survive him not attending.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 1:39:28 PM
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WesP
Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: Where God needs me to be
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quote:
"Well I know Mary would like to go". He went on to say, "Why don't you call your sister to see if she is going or not going so maybe Mary can go".
quote:
My husband, I could tell was trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings, simply said, "It's hard to explain". They talked a little bit more and my husband went on to say, "Mary would like to go as a couple". He still let his son know he may not be going.
ilive4jc,
Something about this troubles me. It seems like he is placing the blame on you even though he is deciding not to go. He is repeating what you would like, not what he would like. If he is not going, he should just state it straight out without saying Mary wants. KWIM? I do think he should go. He is encouraging a situation that will grow resentment from the son because of how you are presented. That will not help matters in the future.
_____________________________
Peace,
Wes
___________________________________
<--- BTW, this is the true function of corn! It is to help the oil industry and its functionaries, not detract from them! 
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 2:09:16 PM
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1love1God1way
Posts: 1985
Joined: 5/16/2005
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I would recommend that you take him out, just the two of you, and have your own celebration, at a later date. Do something he likes, let it be a baseball game or whatever.
_____________________________
-Ben-
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 2:12:38 PM
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ilive4jc
Posts: 13
Joined: 10/17/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 1love1God1way
I would recommend that you take him out, just the two of you, and have your own celebration, at a later date. Do something he likes, let it be a baseball game or whatever.
That's a great idea!! I will suggest that to my husband.
_____________________________
"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband". Eph 5:33
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 4:06:44 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 697
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I just can't go by without saying I think that's a horrible thing to do to the son and the ramifications could be dire in your husband's relationship with him. It's not about you, you're the adult but this whole thing seems pretty childish and screams insecurity. If you think you're showing some great example of marriage, I'm pretty sure that's not at all how it's going to be interpreted by a teenager who now feels pretty rejected by his father on top of what he's had to deal with following divorce at a point in life that's already difficult and confusing for any teen in the best situation. People selfishly think kids just bounce back from divorce and they just need to accept this confusing mess and being torn between two families. It doesn't work that way. Even when divorce is necessary and all settles out great for all the adults involved - that's a lot for a kid to grasp, even years down the road.
We wonder why kids are such a mess. Your dh made a covenant with you and that should be stronger than sitting across a table from his ex for one meal. But he also has a commitment to his kids and that's not just financial and whatever else might be convenient or not interfere with his new family too much. When you married him you needed to understand his responsibility to the kids he already had. How would you feel if he bailed on your kids this way? Fathers need to go over and above maintaining and nurturing relationships with kids - especially teenagers - especially father and sons. This has put your dh in a terribly unfair position and he's going to pay a high price for appeasing your insecurity on this.
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 4:07:46 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 697
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 1love1God1way
I would recommend that you take him out, just the two of you, and have your own celebration, at a later date. Do something he likes, let it be a baseball game or whatever.
Don't be surprised if he's got something more important to do that night.
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 4:26:31 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2744
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 1love1God1way
I would recommend that you take him out, just the two of you, and have your own celebration, at a later date. Do something he likes, let it be a baseball game or whatever.
That will not make up for his father not being at the awards event. Honestly, your husband should be grateful his son invited him at all. If he doesn't go, don't expect him (with or without you) to be invited to the next event including his graduation.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 5:19:16 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 483
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I can't believe the childishness of this. Its all about who comes first? Well his kids came first and they need and deserve their dad's presence in their lives even if his second wife can't come. I can't believe that your husband would that to his own child. I think you both should be ashamed of yourselves. You sound very self centered and this whole thing is about you and your feelings. So what if the son will be hurt in ways that may never heal. But your husband's spouting about his wife comes first. Why would a grown mature? man says such a thing to his children? This sounds like junior high behavior, "I like you better then her, you're not my friend anymore"
Please please don't do this to that boy, let him have his dad with him on this important event. Be the bigger person in this. Please put this kid first and not yourself and your insecurities. And I hope your husband doesn't fail his son. This own thing makes me want to cry for those kids.
I'm sorry if I sound mean but this is unbelieveable to me.
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 5:34:18 PM
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2shaye
Posts: 5151
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: So. Cal.
Status: offline
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I'm a product of divorce, and my son is as well. There have been MANY, many tough times in the past 22 years regarding "blending", hurt feelings, doing the right thing, etc. I happen to agree 100% with most of the posters above me.
I've been the one who was "put aside" because my dad's wife came first. I can't begin to tell you the deep hurt that caused. In my childish mind, I only had one dad. It wasn't my fault that he chose to have two wives! I was angry and bitter for YEARS.
Please be mature and do what's best for your step-son.
_____________________________
aka Skipperjoe
I Love New York!
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 5:52:10 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5198
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ilive4jc
After that phone call, my husband told me he would rather disappoint his son by not going then disappoint me by going.
At which point you could have graciously told him that it was fine with you that he went, that he is free to go, that you'd like him to go.
This event is all about your step-son, not about what you and aren't comfortable with.
Besides, when it comes to the day of the event, and you and your husband are off doing something else, are you really going to be at peace knowing that his heart is somewhere else, that he is aching to be there as the proud father?
Time to be a grown-up and make a gracious gesture, and free your husband to be where he should be, with his child.
A whole lot more is at stake here than just an academic event.
(edited to add a couple of words)
< Message edited by manda59 -- 4/18/2008 7:54:32 PM >
_____________________________
"I have nothing to add, except to agree with Manda."
(agapetos, July 2008)
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 7:36:11 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7635
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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I am sitting here with my mouth hanging open over how horribly this boy is being treated. The son did not choose for his parents divorce or his father’s remarriage. Being forced to have his step-mother attend his event or not have his father there is utterly astounding to me.
This has nothing to do with anyone’s position or a husband’s protection over his wife. That is utter nonsense. The OP stated that her step-son doesn’t seem to like her. It is incidents like this where they put the boy’s feelings aside, that cause irreparable harm to parent child relationships. I think this is just plain petty, jealous and mean , rather than taking into account the hurt of a child and his need to celebrate a special event with those most important to him. This is likely to have a lasting negative impact on the relationship between father and son and if you continue to pull stunts like this your step son is likely to never like you and to shut his father out of his life completely. It is not supportive of the son or helpful in building relationship. All it does is tear down and hurt him to make a point that his father is married to someone else, which is already well established as a fact.
If you cannot put yourself aside for the sake of the children, then there is a lot more going on than a special dinner for a boy who needs his dad to show up.
Sign me,
Appalled in cyberspace
< Message edited by cynthia -- 4/18/2008 7:46:26 PM >
_____________________________
A wife must respectfully speak the truth in love and be willing to stand firm for righteousness and the best interests of her husband, even when it’s hard. That is true and godly submission.
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 7:45:57 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1693
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I'm with Cynthia, this is a once in a lifetime event for a man and his son....and if you are not mature enough to handle him spending 1 day out of 365 with the child he gave birth to, then there is something terribly wrong. It should not even be an issue!!
I would not miss my son's special time for any reason, much less a petty, immature, selfish one that you describe. If you are not secure enough in your marriage that you can't handle a dad spending a couple of hours with his son and the son's mother then maybe you shouldn't be married at all?
I am quite sure that is the answer I would give anyone who approached the subject with me if it were my son.
< Message edited by Fritzpw_Admin -- 4/22/2008 1:51:56 PM >
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RE: Would it be inappropriate? - 4/18/2008 7:50:58 PM
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meeow
Posts: 28
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsOliver
However, I have never been excluded from anything because my husband has always 'honored my position as his wife". I feel your hurt, because your position is not being honored regardless of your step-sons feelings towards you. My step-children haven't always liked me but they expect me to attend 'every thing' with their dad, because I am his wife. and vice versa for my children.
Your husbands job is to protect your position as his wife.
As I do agree that children get caught in the middle of divorce, blended step families and the issues involved. But the Bible is very clear on the positioning in the home. Your husband is the head, the spiritual leader and your protector. you are to be his help-meet and the two of you raise children. My husband and I have made it very clear to all of our children that they don't come between us and we dont' play favorites. We are a parenting team and we put each other before the kids (unless abuse were to arise of course).
Once they saw us practicing that positioning, they respect it and we continually tell them, "you will want your husband, your wife to put you first and you should expect them to put you first." We try and take the emphasis off of them feeling jealous or unimportant and reasure them that we are setting an example of how God designed marriage to be.
We do make a point to spend individual time with our children, with out competition from step-siblings or step-parents as well.
If your husband doesn't teach his son that his wife comes first in his life, then his son, more than likely will follow that example and not put his wife first either.
It is very hard to blend families and all of the feelings involved. But regardless of first, second or third marriages, the God's plan is still the same.
Just my experience and what works for us.
blessings,
Mrs. Oliver
MrsOliver I couldn't agree with you more. iliveforjc your step kids need to understand the concept in marriage. God first, spouse and then kids. This should teach your stepson a lesson not to exclude you from important events. He should know you and your husband are one in God's eyes and you should go together especially to important events. It's good that your husband puts your desires and feeling first rather than the children.
You and your husband should take him out to nice restaurant and celebrate his achievement. He'll get the picture that you two are a team. He will probably in future try to include you. It should be nipped in the bud before it happens again.
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