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hurting. - 2/6/2008 10:43:15 PM
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brokenandbruised
Posts: 1
Joined: 2/6/2008
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I am new here, have read the forums occasionally, but have never posted. I don’t know any of you but. I really feel the need to get this out in the open. My friends know bits and pieces, but I cant hold this in any longer. I am hurting so bad inside. Before I share my story, I want to say, it was not my fault and I don’t want anyone to say it was. So for some background as to the way I feel:
Ok…here. Goes. *deep deep deep breath* ok…3years ago this past October I was attacked. I was raped 2x by the same man. First time I was drugged, second I wasn’t. Both times I had no choice in the matter, no matter what some people have told me. *sigh* after the first time I really wasn’t sure what had happened…as I said I was drugged, all I knew I was sore, felt weird and was very sick. So I didn’t go to the hospital or police right away. I just wasn’t sure what had happened. The second time I was conscience and fighting thru the whole thing. I couldn’t get to hospital or cops for awhile.
By the time I was able to get to dr’s all the evidence of rape was gone. Police took report, etc. investigated it. Nothing came of it. That was a severe blow. I went thru counseling at first, but dropped it. Before the attack I had had sex 1x. since then I have had sex with numerous men. I feel like whore. Counselor told me it was a normal and very common reaction. I am embarrassed by the amount of men. Ever since it has happened. My parents never told me not to talk about it but actions speak louder than words. Its such a shameful secret it seems. Esp since it happened more than once. but lately it seems like this whole more than a few guy thing is really bugging me. I want so much to be a virgin and have had any of this ever happened. I not sure what I am trying to say. Right now I feel so broken and lost. I need prayer. Thanks for listening.
Amy
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RE: hurting. - 2/6/2008 11:32:10 PM
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Carleejoan
Posts: 967
Joined: 9/1/2007
From: Canada
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I am sorry that you had to go through the devastating experience. It is a demeaning act meant to render the victim hopeless and helpless. But you are not helpless nor hopeless. Our help in the Lord who can heal and rebuild your life to one with meaning and purpose. You don't have to give in to the low self esteem but learn who you are in Christ. Remember Jesus speaking to woman at the well? He said when you drink of His water you will thirst no more. The first step is to repent - turn from your sin. Acknowledge your sin has brought you away from God and ask Jesus to come into your heart and every area of your life. Personnally I can relate to your story but don't feel at liberty to discuss it here. Over a lifetime God has healed and changed me. The enemy would have you to feel worthless but you are not worthless. Jesus died for you.
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RE: hurting. - 2/7/2008 4:27:07 AM
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agapetos
Posts: 5601
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
I went thru counseling at first, but dropped it. Before the attack I had had sex 1x. since then I have had sex with numerous men. I feel like whore. Counselor told me it was a normal and very common reaction. I am embarrassed by the amount of men. Ever since it has happened. My parents never told me not to talk about it but actions speak louder than words. Its such a shameful secret it seems. You're reaction is common. This doesn't mean it's either right or wrong, it just is a kind of knee-jerk reaction to being raped (and equally women may be terrified of men).
It's not a shameful secret, it's something that not many people know how to respond to though and it's perhaps better to be careful who knows your pain. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents but again, many parents don't know what to do to help their children in situations like this ~ they may well feel a huge amount of guilt about not being able to have protected their daughter.
Can I urge you to seek therapy again? It is very difficult to look at the issues you are facing and won't be over quickly. You will have your experiences with you for life, but it will be the way they affect you and the way you respond to other situations that will change. It will take time and energy, and perhaps even more than one course of therapy, but it can help.
You don't mention if you, your parents or your friends are Christians. If they are, get support from them. You may not want to share the details with any of them, but ask them for prayer and for comfort when you need it ~ and for treating you as a normal person and not someone who's been attacked.
Please know that God can get you through this. Some say that it should be done by just relying on Him and trusting Him fully. Others, myself included, believe that therapy is a tool that God uses to heal us. I'm just coming to the end of a course of therapy and can't believe the changes that have taken place in my life ~ the therapy was secular, but I believe God had a huge hand in my treatment and I wouldn't have got through without Him.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: hurting. - 2/7/2008 9:47:57 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1152
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
Status: offline
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(((hugs))) and prayers, Amy.
I honestly do not know what else to say. Please let me know if you need to talk. Any time I am available, I am more than willing to listen.
~God bless~
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RE: hurting. - 2/10/2008 9:42:15 PM
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brianswife
Posts: 42
Joined: 5/13/2005
From: "Amish Country", New York
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((HUGS)) I don't have any answers, just a hug and a prayer....
Karly
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RE: hurting. - 2/12/2008 2:27:20 PM
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April75
Posts: 332
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I am so sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry for how you feel. I'm sure no words can take away your pain.
I mean we could tell you what you could've done but that wouldn't help. How did this happen twice with the same person? I don't anything about the laws and evidence so I really couldn't give you any advice on that.
I do hope you can refrain from dealings with men in this way because it won't allow healing. The wound you have keeps being infected because you haven't even begun to heal. I'm praying that you be healed totally from this in Jesus' Name.
< Message edited by HesallIneed -- 2/12/2008 2:39:50 PM >
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RE: hurting. - 3/17/2008 9:00:38 PM
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angels1203
Posts: 17
Joined: 11/28/2006
Status: offline
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first praying for you. It is not your fault. and please go to a Christian counsler. and anytime i am on you can tak to me i am here to listen.
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RE: hurting. - 3/18/2008 4:38:54 AM
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mimi254
Posts: 32
Joined: 12/28/2007
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I am sorry that you had to endure this. Do not blame nor condemn yourself. Try and forgive yourself first and stop hurting and destroying yourself by having sex with numerous men. It does not help.
Remember one thing: There is a faithful friend just near. Christian or not, try him and you will be marvelled. Just tell him how you hurt. Narrate the story to him just as you've done to us. He understand better than we do and can help better than we can.
Sorry again. I'll pray for God to comfort and assist you. If there is anything i can do, do not hesitate. I am available
Take heart!
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RE: hurting. - 3/19/2008 5:27:11 PM
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charlotte123
Posts: 45
Joined: 2/27/2008
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My daughter has gone through a similar situation recently. She is 16. I went through a similar sitation at around the same age. The biggest step in healing for me was forgiveness. It is so easy to blame ourselves for getting into the risky situation in the first place. Even though intellectually, you can know that the perpetrator is to blame, emotionally, we can come up with a million ways that we could have prevented it. And the guilt that comes with having multiple sexual partners is also a hard thing. You have gotten good advice here. Seek Jesus to help you heal from your pain because of what was done to you, and your pain because of what you've done in response to it. There is no substitute for the living water of Jesus to wash us clean. He has the will and the ability to make you whole again.
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RE: hurting. - 4/17/2008 1:17:56 AM
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ElissaT
Posts: 3
Joined: 4/17/2008
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I am sorry to hear about your pain. It is a horrible thing to have someone abuse you, and not be able to do something about it. It would make sense that you would find some way to feel like you are regaining control, and to help you cope.
I know for me, I have struggled with things done to me, and my way of coping was to find ways to gain power. I have done things I wish I hadn't, and found myself caught in addictive behaviors. Two things that have been my life thread is remembering that I don't have to go through it alone, and seeking to allow the spiritual into the areas of my life where I feel shame (by my doing and other's doing). I was able to stop the cycle. It wasn't easy, and it took me awhile to find the right help. You can not control what happened to you, but you can take steps to find healing for yourself. I wish for me the healing would have been quick and less painful, but it seems to be a process, that I take one step at a time. Through it though I have made some great friends, and feel closer to God (at least most of the time).
Grace to you. ET
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RE: hurting. - 4/18/2008 10:41:22 AM
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rhondaj2900
Posts: 5
Joined: 4/15/2008
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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I am sorry for what has happened top you. I had similar cases in my life too numerous to count. I used to think it was my fault. But, now I know differently. I had sex with men I knew men I didn't and the whole nine yards. The key is to give it all to Jesus who has compassion and will hear your heart and mend it. All the broken pieces He will take and put together a new you. Ask Him for help in dealing with this. Go to God on your knees and beg and sob and cry and yell "Why me! Oh Lord why me!" He will heal your broken heart and tell you to go and sin no more regarding the many men you have known since the rape. Love will once again grow in your heart. Be not afraid for with God ALL things are possible. If you need someone to talk to just call or email me. rhondaj2900@yahoo.com 812-303-0255.
Love,
Your sister in Crist
_____________________________
Rhonda j Hamman
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