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husband's teenage daughter - 10/9/2008 4:01:38 PM
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TheresaCampbell
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Joined: 10/8/2008
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My husband's pregnant 18 year old daughter is coming to live with us. If she were a stranger on the street, I would look at this as an opportunity to serve. But since she is not, I feel irritated and concern myself with how this is going to impact my marriage. I don't want her here. I feel bad about this. How do I look at this as an opportunity to serve Christ and my husband?
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/9/2008 5:11:08 PM
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Szaftoo
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From: So. Calif.
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Good for your husband that he is willing to take in his daughter during this challenging time. When Christ asked us to serve, he didn't say family vs strangers. This is a perfect opportunity for you to show her and your husband unconditional love and support.
I do think, however, you both need to talk about about what is and isn't expected.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/9/2008 6:44:49 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 288
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From: Virginia
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If she's just 18 and pregnant...and coming to live with you...she may feel that your home is a safe haven for her and her baby...
Also, think of the alternative...what she could have done...instead of choosing to have this baby.
It ain't gonna be easy...my advice is to lay down some "ground rules" from the get-go...
But please, don't resent her...don't look for trouble...she's literally going through HELL right now. (been there, done that, burned the t-shirt and the "baby" is now almost 26).
Yes, things are going to change...but hopefully they'll change for the better...open your heart and most importantly your arms to this young lady...she's making a choice that I'm sure was not easy to arrive at...
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/9/2008 11:08:18 PM
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TheresaCampbell
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I definitely know that it's not going to be easy. We have a 10 month old that takes up quite a bit of our time and energy. We're stretched financially, but I'm trusting God to work that out. I just don't know how I'm going to handle all this. I guess this is just an opportunity for me to pray more. I don't know what the ground rules should be or what role I'm supposed to play in this. I have no idea what to expect. Her mom and boyfriend are both out of the area. She comes to us with no healthcare or financial means. I don't know where to begin to help her. Also, should I have my husband tell her what the rules are or should I?
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 12:05:48 AM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 288
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From: Virginia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TheresaCampbell
I definitely know that it's not going to be easy. We have a 10 month old that takes up quite a bit of our time and energy. We're stretched financially, but I'm trusting God to work that out. I just don't know how I'm going to handle all this. I guess this is just an opportunity for me to pray more. I don't know what the ground rules should be or what role I'm supposed to play in this. I have no idea what to expect. Her mom and boyfriend are both out of the area. She comes to us with no healthcare or financial means. I don't know where to begin to help her. Also, should I have my husband tell her what the rules are or should I?
For healthcare, she can apply for Medicaid...it's a federal program...and ALL women who don't have economic means automatically qualify...she can also apply for WIC.
As far as ground rules...RESPECT is #1...decide what she will be responsible for...will she help with chores and your baby in return for her keep? Will she be expected to attend school and/or work? What about driving/a car? What about the boyfriend? Is her mother going to contribute anything?
I'd get dad to have the "talk" with her...but...you need to be involved...
You'll be in my thoughts
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 12:19:17 AM
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echunt
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My prayers are with you and your family.
Its going to be a trial. You need to calmly think about the situation.
1. Why is she coming to your home instead of her mothers. She must feel safe/secure there.
2. You have a great window here not only to witness to her, but to be a parental role model. She is going to be watching and learning from you.
3. You have a husband to help you with your child. Not only is she a single parent, she is only 18 and still a scared little girl on the inside.
Trust in the Lord and he will provide.
We are here for you anytime you need to vent.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 1:32:22 AM
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KnowJesus
Posts: 259
Joined: 7/21/2006
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You might see if you have a Crisis pregnancy center near you. They will counsel her on how to take care of her baby by herself. Give her free prenatal vitamins, baby clothes and other essentials. They will talk with her about her and her babies future together. And offer other valuable information. All this is a free service. Some even have an ultrasound machine available. They're not just about preventing abortions, but celebrating the life of the new born in the womb of an unwed mother.
google crisis pregnancy center in your area.
< Message edited by KnowJesus -- 10/10/2008 1:17:32 PM >
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 4:23:10 PM
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misty35
Posts: 614
Joined: 9/22/2008
From: Arkansas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TheresaCampbell
My husband's pregnant 18 year old daughter is coming to live with us. If she were a stranger on the street, I would look at this as an opportunity to serve. But since she is not, I feel irritated and concern myself with how this is going to impact my marriage. I don't want her here. I feel bad about this. How do I look at this as an opportunity to serve Christ and my husband?
Hi Theresa
As soon as I read your post, the first thing that come to my mind was, what if this were your daughter, how would you handle the situation? I think sometimes, we have to put ourselves in that persons shoes, its not always easy, but it does help us view things differently. Pray and ask the Lord what He ask of you, He will guide you in this. Let His love be felt by this young girl, through you.
You are in my prayers,
Misty
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 5:39:12 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2478
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TheresaCampbell
My husband's pregnant 18 year old daughter is coming to live with us. If she were a stranger on the street, I would look at this as an opportunity to serve. But since she is not, I feel irritated and concern myself with how this is going to impact my marriage. I don't want her here. I feel bad about this. How do I look at this as an opportunity to serve Christ and my husband?
This is not a stranger on the street, this is YOUR HUSBANDS' DAUGHTER, the same DNA that made your 10 mo old child.
I would do some deep soul searching and find out why you feel this way.
One of these days your baby may be in the same shoes as this young lady and wouldn't you want her welcome in a safe place?
This will only impact your marriage if you allow it to.
By harboring resent and being unwelcome and if I may be so bold, selfish, you are building hard feelings between yourself, husband and step-daughter that may be irreparable.
By "feeling bad" about this is good, because that is letting you know there is something wrong with your attitude toward this.
Pray for God to change your heart on this matter and to gain real love for this young lady, she is going to need it (and so are you  ).
_____________________________
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Every generation has to learn how to protect and defend it, or it's gone
and gone for a long, long time."
Ronald Reagan
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 8:39:42 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
If she were a stranger on the street, I would look at this as an opportunity to serve.
Then treat her as you would a stranger on the street. I am totally confused why you would be more willing to take in a stranger than someone who is a part of your husband.
It is important that you and your husband agree BEFORE the young lady comes on what will be the ground rules for her presence--put it in writing if you are afraid that they will not be upheld. If there is a problem, discuss it with your husband in private so that any disagreements are kept between the two of you and you can present a united front. Do not let the situation get to the point where the young lady can play you and your husband against each other.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 10:24:47 PM
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Lady_of_Faith
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I agree with everyone else. I think it's a blessing that she has you in her life to teach her. Living in a Christian environment will be wonderful for her and and baby. This could work out to benefit everyone.
I'll keep you prayer
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 10:35:22 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1797
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If she is 18 years old then she is an adult. A good place to start would be realizing that and not set up a bunch of ground rules based on "I'm the parent and you are not" mentality.
That is often the most common mistake in dealing with an 18 yr. old living in the same household.
Sit down with your husband and talk openly about what your expectations are..what areas are negotiable and which ones aren't and present your decisions to her UNITED as one.
If you deal with everything with the attitude "that is your child not mine" it's opening the door wide for division in your marriage. Slam the door on satan before he even gets started.
The best way to deal with the daughter is pray for her with your husband, ask her to join you and your husband in a prayer time each day and let her hear you both asking God to help all of you as a family raise and nurture this new baby in a way that pleases HIM.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/10/2008 10:41:42 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 789
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Was the daughter not financially supported by her biological
parents - was she not on one of their health insurance policies?
You stated she's coming to you without money or health care.
Do you have any idea of what kind of person she is - bad temperament/rule breaker? has she used drug? committed any criminal offenses?
*I would have to have an idea of what type of person she is before allowing
her into my home where I'm raising my own baby.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/12/2008 10:55:53 AM
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relady
Posts: 1281
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From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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quote:
She comes to us with no healthcare or financial means. She's only 18, why is she not on your husband's health insurance plan, or her mother's? She should be covered by one of them until she is 19 minimum.
I'm curious as to why you have such negative feelings toward this girl? Have you had issues in the past?
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/13/2008 8:56:53 AM
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TheresaCampbell
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Thanks for your comments everyone. I have been doing some serious soul searching. As most suspect, we do have a history. She lived with us before for a couple of years. She has been out of our house for a year.I was concerned about where she was heading, but her biolgical mom was not really concerned. I feel that in ways she encouraged her behavior. For some reason, her mother and father did not see this coming.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/13/2008 12:06:05 PM
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hotsaucygma
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Since you do have a "history", I think it's all the more important to sit down first with your husband, and then the three of you together and discuss what everyone's expectations are. Make sure you and your husband are in agreement first, then see what she is hoping for in this situation and be sure you all end up on the same page prior to her moving in. If you are, I would hope it would clear the path for a better relationship for all of you.
Do check with WIC and Medicade for baby/prenatal care and hospitalization costs, as well as ongoing help from both. If she has not finished HS, talk to the school district and see what kind of programs they have for teen parents. Call your local Information and Referral (try dialilng 2 1 1 from your phone, if that doesn't connect you to and I & R, call your local United Way and see if they run one) and ask about any programs that help teen parents too. There are often organizations that help with anything from providing car seats and cribs to clothing and diapers/formula if she does not breast feed.
Do know, though, if you apply for WIC or Medicade she may need to provide information on the baby's father for Child Support, unless there is a reason to be afraid to do so. Anyway, start making some phone calls, find out what resources are in your area and what help your step daughter can expect.
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/13/2008 12:14:38 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2478
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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As far as WIC and Medicaid goes, in the state I live in (Kansas) if she applies for these they will want her fathers' income in order to determine need (under 23, living with parent).
_____________________________
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Every generation has to learn how to protect and defend it, or it's gone
and gone for a long, long time."
Ronald Reagan
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/13/2008 1:01:12 PM
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TheresaCampbell
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Joined: 10/8/2008
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Thanks for the info on aid. I've contacted the department of children and families. And there are lots of resources avaible out there that provide help for teens. Plus, I still have lots of stuff left over that my baby isn't using anymore. My husband and I talked and I really feel we're on the same page. We just don't know what she's thinking. And we don't know what the good for ntohing 35 year old man who impregnated her is thinking. But we agree on what we will not tolerate. I hope she understands that I'm not this serious person who didn't want her to have fun, but that I wanted her on the right track. I don't know how she's going to react when we tell her no MTV, no suggestive movies with cursing in this house. I know she thinks we were uptight before. Now, we're worst. If her mom doesn't try to depict us as overly religious, she may adjust.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/13/2008 2:15:38 PM
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hotsaucygma
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It's your home, and you certainly have the right to say what is allowed and not allowed to come into it (speaking of movies, tv, etc.). I would just suggest that all of that is clear to her before she moves in!
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/13/2008 2:19:11 PM
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VBCYouthPastor
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I think those are some very fair rules. It's your house and if she's going to be living than she needs to abide by your rules.
However, I would place major emphasis on this at the very beginning. Be careful to explain the reasoning behind these things. She may still be learning and not quite up to the maturity level she could be but you have to expect someone who doesn't know Christ to act like someone who doesn't know Christ. I think this one of the hardest things to do as parents. Let her know you're not condemning her for liking these things (MTV, suggestive movies, etc...) but they are not things you would like your children to grow up around.
If she understands that you're not attacking her personally for her beliefs, she will be more likely to abstain from participating in the things you've listed above. She doesn't necessarily have to understand why you have an objection but specifically that you're not after her personally.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/21/2008 1:05:41 PM
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TheresaCampbell
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Well, now I don't know what's going on. She's here with us now and I feel like my husband has done a complete turn around. This is not at all what we agreed on. Now, he says he wants to just see what happens. And he says he doesn't think she's going to take kindly to having a direct conversation. He wants her to be comfortable and relaxed. It's like a complete about face. I feel completely frustrated. I'm not trying to make her uncomfortable. Self-examination is uncomfortable but it needs to happen. It's like he wants to just ignore the elephant in the room and I don't understand why.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/22/2008 9:39:34 AM
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Row1
Posts: 245
Joined: 12/2/2005
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a tough problem.
he needs to be the leader of the home.
let him know that you want to have a talk with him, since you want to do tyour best to follow his lead, since he is the leader of the home.
let him know that you can't do this when he makes a plan, but then forgets it.
ask if he wants to change the plan, or get back to it.
if he wants to change the plan, then ask what the new plan should be.
basically, i guess i am suggesting a way to put him in the decision-making role for the home, with you having heavy input. this is how a marriage and home can work.
it sounds like he is ignoring the role he should be assuming.
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RE: husband's teenage daughter - 10/22/2008 2:07:55 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1020
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Even if your husband is not in favour of household boundaries, you need to have personal boundaries... meaning rules that you enforce yourself about how she speaks to you, treats you and how her actions effect your life.
Things like,
"You can do the dishes after supper every second night, or you can be responsible for all your own cooking and cleaning up after it. Here we co-operate and it's fair to share household work."
"If you want to use my baby's old things, that's fine, but I want you to take care of those things and keep your space moderately tidy so they don't get lost or damaged. If they begin getting lost or damaged, I will give them to a charity where I feel they will be put to better use."
"You understand that I am giving up my space and my quietness to have you living here. Because of that, I expect you to speak to me politely as an expression of gratitude for what I have given up to host you. I understand that pregnancy hormones and crisis situations can get out of hand, and that's OK sometimes, as long as you come around and apologize later."
"Your father and I own this house and we are concerned about right and wrong. In this house, if I think something is wrong to watch, listen to or do, I will let you know my opinion and why. We don't have to agree, but if your father and I have the same opinion, then that opinion is going to become a rule for while you live here."
"I like you and I want you, and this baby to grow up happy, healthy, strong and smart. I know that I can't make that happen, but I am going to tell you what I think and why. You don't have to do it, but you do have to listen politely. If you don't agree, you don't have to argue, just tell me that you've understood my thinking, and then make your own decision. However, you should understand that if we disagree on too many things, and you go against me, it's going to make it hard for us to get along. If I think you are making a lot of poor decisions, especially where it effects my life, we might have to sit down and discuss options and plans. I think it's better if we try to be fair and peaceful rather that getting into that kind of thing."
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